Why am I still haunted by my wife's ancient affair?

[nvntr007]

Many years ago, just a year into our marriage (we had both been virgins), my wife had an affair with her new boss. The affair ended after three years when we moved across the country. I never had a clue. She was somehow able to live two completely separate lives: one with me and the other with the self-employed man she worked for and with, side-by-side, every day in a very private and controlled setting. I say “controlled” meaning that they had total control of their time—an ideal setting for a clandestine affair.

 

Several years after our move (and the end of the affair) she confessed in a very emotionally- charged manner, and began telling me details that I could relate to occurrences that I remembered. Unfortunately, after about five minutes of details, she interjected that she would leave with our one-year-old child and stay with her parents until she could decide what to do with her life. I responded by saying I would have no such thing, that I loved her and wanted her to stay with me. Suddenly, she became very unwilling to discuss the affair any further when I asked about specific details. She really clammed up, saying things such as; they hadn’t had sex all that often, and, it hadn’t lasted very long. It was instantly obvious to me, that, since she saw that I didn’t want to lose her after learning of the affair, she felt it better that I didn’t know any more of the details. She was in a state of intense emotional turmoil at that moment and it was killing me to see her so distraught. I decided to drop the issue, feeling sure that the day come when she would feel like talking about it without the gut-wrenching emotion of the present moment. I was willing to give her all the time in the world to come to grips with telling me the details, feeling certain that that day would come when she would voluntarily come to me and say, “Let’s talk about that old affair.” At that moment, something completely weird happened in my mind---I completely blocked out any awareness of the affair, not for a day, a month, but, for thirty years.

 

Thirty years later, it hit me with the force of a tsunami that my wife had had an affair with her boss! Furthermore, I realized that the day would never come when she would voluntarily tell me the details. So, after agonizing privately over what those details might have been, I brought it up one night. She was very disappointed that I didn’t just forget it ever happened. A year later, I tried again to talk with her about it and, again, met with near anger that I didn’t let go of the past. However, each of those times, I was able to come away with a tidbit of information that helped slightly, but, which really only served as a teaser, making me even more needy of the full story.

 

It is my belief that her boss was a genuine sexual predator who hired carefully-screened young married wives of college students for the dual purpose of “work” and “play”. My wife was only nineteen when she went to work for him. He had a stellar reputation in the community as a dedicated professional, husband, and father of three kids over whom he doted. I have never expressed this belief to her because I fear that it would cause her pain to consider the possibility.

 

We have always been very much in love and my wife continually tells me how much she loves me, and, shows it in myriad ways. We spend almost all our time together (both now retired) and have never had any other problems in our marriage. We do everything together and are both best friends and ardent lovers (the sex is great for both of us!). It’s just that I can’t get this thing to go away and stop haunting me.

 

Okay, what I would like to ask you folks is “Why does this crap still haunt me?” and “How the hell do you make it stop?”

 

Incidentally, I have never sought counseling or discussed this with anyone else. Maybe that would have helped long ago and I wonder if it would now, at this late stage of affairs (no pun intended).

 

I'd like to say that I really appreciate the insightful posts of all you good people. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful opinions and views.

Edited July 19, 2010 by nvntr007

[2sunny]

if she were more willing to be honest - it wouldn't eat away at you. she holds the key to your peace of mind but is unwilling to give it to you.

 

it's selfish and self serving on her part.

 

if someone i loved stole my peace of mind in that regard - i'd harbor a ton of resentment... none of which is healthy.

 

if you don't have honesty in your marriage - what do you have then? doesn't seem like much of a marriage - even if it has been great ever since.

 

she has info you need to process in order to feel healthy, safe and happy about the marriage you THOUGHT you had. the reality of what happened can only be dismissed when the truth is on the table and has been dealt with. why would she want to keep that from you? seems mean spirited.

 

i'd read my response to her and see how she responds...

[nvntr007]

After re-reading my post, I want to add this:

 

The night my wife confessed to the affair and after I had told her that I loved her and didn't want to lose her, when I asked for more details, she said, "I was a nineteen-year-old kid and didn't know any better".

[spriggig]

So, she's thinking "Why is he bringing this up after thirty years? I left this behind and practically forgot about it."

 

Maybe she doesn't understand that such a traumatic event could have been blocked from your mind only to resurface years later and seem almost as fresh for you as the day you were first told.

 

The first step in reconciling after an affair is that the cheater reveal all the details, that step is where you are, even if it's been thirty years in between. This is what she doesn't understand from her perspective. Perhaps counseling could help with this. I think she'll resent you if you continue to push this, but perhaps a more neutral authority figure could get through to her.

[2sunny]

the fact that OP believes the M has been good one could point to the fact that his W was remorseful at the time she confessed a small truth 30 years ago and wished to make amends to him by being faithful from there forward.

 

it still doesn't fix the fact that IF he wants the truth now - he has a right to ask for it. it still doesn't mean she may be willing to give that to him.

 

if she is a woman of honor and integrity - trusting that their M can withstand anything - she would give him what he asks for. what he does with the info - once he has her truth - is then up to him to decide what path the M may take.

 

fear (hers) is most likely the driving force of her telling you anything more. fear of what you may think... fear of how things may change, fear of reliving the situation that happened so long ago, fear of even thinking about what happened back then. fear that you may believe she may still be the woman she once was.

 

why do you want to know now, after all these years?

[2sunny]

After re-reading my post, I want to add this:

 

The night my wife confessed to the affair and after I had told her that I loved her and didn't want to lose her, when I asked for more details, she said, "I was a nineteen-year-old kid and didn't know any better".

 

this is the part that REALLY bothers me.

 

SHE did know full well what she was doing - or it never would have needed to be a secret!

 

not only that - but she did it OVER and OVER for three years!

 

she needs to OWN her bad behavior in order to fix anything. the fact that she's still stuffing it under the rug - at the expense of her husband is unforgivable.

 

in my world - my spouse would need to do a hell of a lot of honesty and change in order to be believable enough to ever become trustworthy again.

 

but without being honest to begin with - there is no way to start the healing that needs to take place in order to repair the damage done by HER.

[schewter]

30 years of good behaviour stacked against 3 years of foolish nonsense...you need to let it go whether she wants to talk about it or not. Are you the same person you were 30 years ago? Hardly. The reason she won't discuss it any further is because she feels like an idiot and just doesn't want to be reminded. Some on here act like it is a cross that needs baring for the the rest of one's life...that will never lead to resolution, forgiveness, healing and all that jazz. No one on here knows your wife better than you do so I'd suggest you disregard generalizations like "your wife had more than one affair, almost undoubtedly"...I highly doubt that since she obviously couldn't carry the guilt caused by the one she sdmitted to. Take everything you read on here with a grain of salt; most on here have been betrayed and bring that cynical baggage to the discussion with them. Good Luck...enjoy your retirement with your wife, life's too short to get hung up on 30 year old nonsense.

[karnak]

I personally think you have the right to know the full truth. 30 years is really a long time. You and your wife should have made a strong bond by now. But what sort of friendship do you have if she denies you the facts?

 

I can't really imagine a relationship based on hiding facts. At least I never worked like that.

 

But, since it's your marriage, you have the last word.

 

Look at it this way: if you had a brother and this situation was happening with him, what would be your advice to him? Act accordingly.

[nvntr007]

They are what we call a Troll.

 

A Troll is someone who comes on forums, often under false pretenses, to wind people up. To upset and inflame others, not support.

 

Vestigal averages 20 posts per day, but has NOT asked a single question or started a thread.

Thanx, Blindside, I figured as much.

 

I am going to take some time to digest all the thoughts, reactions, and suggestions that all you good people have made (and are making). Can't tell you how much I appreciate your input.

[Dexter Morgan]

You are still haunted by her affair because it is very traumatic. She might as well have stabbed you in the gut and gave you a scar to help you remember the knife going in.

 

been there done that. I, however, refused to live life being haunted. So I got rid of her.

 

 

Several years after our move (and the end of the affair) she confessed in a very emotionally- charged manner, and began telling me details that I could relate to occurrences that I remembered. Unfortunately, after about five minutes of details, she interjected that she would leave with our one-year-old child and stay with her parents until she could decide what to do with her life.

 

oh gee, how nice. she cheats, but then tells you she is taking your child away until she can decide what to do with her life.

 

I'd document the time and date she said that. If she doesn't know what direction her life is going, it might be a way to get custody if you decide to divorce. I'd hope that a judge wouldn't grant custody to someone that doesn't know what direction their life is headed.

 

but cheating, then taking your kids away? nice...real nice.

 

 

I responded by saying I would have no such thing, that I loved her and wanted her to stay with me. Suddenly, she became very unwilling to discuss the affair any further when I asked about specific details. She really clammed up, saying things such as; they hadn’t had sex all that often

 

first of all, bulls##t

 

second, once is too many times already.

 

 

and, it hadn’t lasted very long. It was instantly obvious to me, that, since she saw that I didn’t want to lose her after learning of the affair, she felt it better that I didn’t know any more of the details.

 

well that and since she knows you aren't going anywhere, she feels no obligation to tell you anything she doesn't want to. she feels she probably has you wrapped around her little finger.

 

as long as she thinks you are going to stick around no matter what, she will think she has no consequences to face. hence, she got away with it.

 

 

 

She was in a state of intense emotional turmoil at that moment and it was killing me to see her so distraught. I decided to drop the issue

 

sorry to say, but yup, she is in control. she cheats, and you feel sorry for her. you are teaching her a very valuable lesson.

 

 

 

I was willing to give her all the time in the world to come to grips with telling me the details, feeling certain that that day would come when she would voluntarily come to me and say, “Let’s talk about that old affair.”

 

it isn't going to happen if you wait for her to do it.

 

 

Thirty years later, it hit me with the force of a tsunami that my wife had had an affair with her boss! Furthermore, I realized that the day would never come when she would voluntarily tell me the details. So, after agonizing privately over what those details might have been, I brought it up one night.

 

after 30 years???

 

see, this is why I don't advocate staying with a cheater. the betrayed is the one that gets to carry the scar around for the rest of their life, whether or not they think they moved on to a happy life or not....the reminder and triggers will always be there. not a life as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

She was very disappointed that I didn’t just forget it ever happened.

 

even though this was 30 years ago, sorry, if she thinks she is disappointed, then she could really care less about your disappointment that you are married to someone that cheated.

 

 

 

A year later, I tried again to talk with her about it and, again, met with near anger that I didn’t let go of the past. However, each of those times, I was able to come away with a tidbit of information that helped slightly, but, which really only served as a teaser, making me even more needy of the full story.

 

why do you even need the full story. she willingly let another man put himself inside her. thats all you need to know.

 

 

It is my belief that her boss was a genuine sexual predator who hired carefully-screened young married wives of college students for the dual purpose of “work” and “play”. My wife was only nineteen when she went to work for him.

 

you are excusing what she did by blaming this on him. she was 19, an adult. She knew what she was doing. you are buying into that, "but she was young" crap.

 

you are downplaying what she did here.

 

 

Okay, what I would like to ask you folks is “Why does this crap still haunt me?” and “How the hell do you make it stop?”

 

honestly, you don't make it stop. and even though you'll never forget, the only way you would have made the "haunting" stop was to leave her long ago.

 

sorry, but this is the truth how I see it. but the plain truth is you will never forget. nothing you can do about that.

and now that 30 years has gone by you are just either going to have to deal with it, or go to a therapist and see if he/she can't have you do things to help minimize the frequency of your thoughts on the matter.

 

but forget completely? its not going to happen.

 

only thing you can do is keep yourself busy. a hobby perhaps. something that makes you really happy to at least hold the bad thoughts at bay.

 

before I decided to divorce my x-wife, I poured alot of efforts into fixing things around the house, remodeling, landscaping and such.

but the only way to keep what thoughts that did pop in my head to not hurt any longer, was to get rid of the source of the pain.

[nvntr007]

Blindsided, your insight and understanding are remarkably accurate and on point. I feel fortunate that you are here to brilliantly counter the negative drivel from V. After V's first post, I've wasted no more time on his/her senseless crapola. I'll take your "insight" over V's "incite" any day!!!

[RobD70]

I think there is a good chance she may have had another affair. She hid the first one well and for a long time then waited years later to confess? There should had been red flags.

 

It would at least be worth investigating. I imagine cheating on her husband for years would had desensitized her plus:

…she interjected that she would leave with our one-year-old child and stay with her parents until she could decide what to do with her life.

Noticed that she was wanting to leave (not saying “I understand if you want me to go”) and it does look like she was thinking admitting to the affair would get you angry enough to want her out. She didn’t confess out of guilt, something was going on at the time and she used this as her out. You ended up talking (guilt?) her to stay.

 

The correct response would had been to throw her out. Forgiving so easily when they did something so wrong makes you look weak. Because she got away with it and you showed no backbone that increases the odds that she may have done it again.

 

I know that sounds harsh and negative and I could be wrong but I get a bad vibe from this.

[Snowflower]

30 years of good behaviour stacked against 3 years of foolish nonsense...you need to let it go whether she wants to talk about it or not. Are you the same person you were 30 years ago? Hardly. The reason she won't discuss it any further is because she feels like an idiot and just doesn't want to be reminded. Some on here act like it is a cross that needs baring for the the rest of one's life...that will never lead to resolution, forgiveness, healing and all that jazz. No one on here knows your wife better than you do so I'd suggest you disregard generalizations like "your wife had more than one affair, almost undoubtedly"...I highly doubt that since she obviously couldn't carry the guilt caused by the one she sdmitted to. Take everything you read on here with a grain of salt; most on here have been betrayed and bring that cynical baggage to the discussion with them. Good Luck...enjoy your retirement with your wife, life's too short to get hung up on 30 year old nonsense.

 

nvn, welcome to LS!

 

I just wanted to reiterate schewter's post which contained some really excellent and realistic advice.

 

Of course, no one here knows your exact situation so I'm glad your taking some of these responses with a grain of salt. This board has become so negative that I rarely can stand to come on here anymore.

 

I am in no way minimizing your pain because I have been a BS as well but I think in some ways you are relatively "lucky" that your wife has worked to be trustworthy in the ensuing 30 years since her affair. I think that is one advantage that you have in your situation: you have had "proof" of sorts that she is trustworthy and committed to you. Does this make sense?

 

From what you post (and I can only go by that), your wife seems remorseful and has tried to make it up to you in the intervening years. Really, that is all she can do and she appears (again, from what you post) that she has done just that. To expect her to remember everything from 30 years ago-as some here are suggesting-is just ridiculous. In any event, as schewter mentioned, neither you nor your wife are the same people that you were 30 years ago...it's almost not relevant what happened, in a way! A lifetime has gone by since that time.

 

In any event, it appears that the intervening years were happy ones and that is what really counts!

 

Best of luck to you!

[nvntr007]

Thanx, Snowflower, for your comments relative to Schewter's post. I was about to respond to his post when I saw yours and decided to combine my responses since what you say is equally relevant.

 

You have both nailed the facts of my situation with almost uncanny precision and I intend to fully digest your collective advice and act accordingly. I already feel more grounded.

 

All of you here who have shared your perspectives (you, too, V.) have helped greatly. You have made me feel that I'm no longer alone in this. You guys are my "silent partners" and it feels damned good!

[Dexter Morgan]

All of you here who have shared your perspectives (you, too, V.) have helped greatly. You have made me feel that I'm no longer alone in this. You guys are my "silent partners" and it feels damned good!

 

just remember, it happens to the best of us..........by the worst of them

[road]

nvntr007

 

This affair will never go away because you have not had all of your questions answered. Until then you will only wonder what who when where why how.

 

Your WW has been able to move on because she knows everything. There is no wondering about what happened because she witnessed participated in all. So she has left been able to leave it in the past.

 

Your WW by refusing to talk about the affair to you has allowed her and the OM to keep secrets from you. This shows that the WW is still putting the OM first and protecting him and her memories of back then.

[on1wheel]

30 years of good behaviour stacked against 3 years of foolish nonsense...you need to let it go whether she wants to talk about it or not. Are you the same person you were 30 years ago? Hardly. The reason she won't discuss it any further is because she feels like an idiot and just doesn't want to be reminded. Some on here act like it is a cross that needs baring for the the rest of one's life...that will never lead to resolution, forgiveness, healing and all that jazz. No one on here knows your wife better than you do so I'd suggest you disregard generalizations like "your wife had more than one affair, almost undoubtedly"...I highly doubt that since she obviously couldn't carry the guilt caused by the one she sdmitted to. Take everything you read on here with a grain of salt; most on here have been betrayed and bring that cynical baggage to the discussion with them. Good Luck...enjoy your retirement with your wife, life's too short to get hung up on 30 year old nonsense.

Anyone that can catagorize an A as "nonsense" clearly has never been betrayed. In fact, I would venture to guess they are of the cheating style of thought. But that's just an observation.

3 weeks, 3 years or 30 years; betrayal is betrayal. It knows no statute of limitations. Your heart nor you will ever be the same. I am glad that you two have been able to share sooo many good years post affair. But the simple truth us that SHE cheated for 3 years. If knowing the sordid details is what you need for closure, then that is HER responsibility to provide them...and it should be willingly.

Otherwise, she is saying "my happiness is more important than yours & I'll do whatever I feel like". I would be VERY suspicious of what details she does not want you to know...even after 30 good years together...hmmm.

I would continue to press on for the WHOLE truth, as it's what you need to process a trauma that you supressed for 30 years for the betterment of your marriage. DO NOT listen to that poster that called it nonsense. I doubt anything helpful or meaningful can be found in his/her posts.

Good luck & keep us posted.

[karnak]

3 weeks, 3 years or 30 years; betrayal is betrayal. It knows no statute of limitations. Your heart nor you will ever be the same. I am glad that you two have been able to share sooo many good years post affair. But the simple truth us that SHE cheated for 3 years. If knowing the sordid details is what you need for closure, then that is HER responsibility to provide them...and it should be willingly.

 

Otherwise, she is saying "my happiness is more important than yours & I'll do whatever I feel like". I would be VERY suspicious of what details she does not want you to know...even after 30 good years together...hmmm.

I would continue to press on for the WHOLE truth, as it's what you need to process a trauma that you supressed for 30 years for the betterment of your marriage. QUOTE]

 

Yes. As many betrayed people have posted countless times, the worst part of an affair is noth the fact that X or Y had sex with other person besides their spouse.

 

IT'S THE LIES. The break of trust, the break of confidence. You think you're living with a person who you feel you can trust your life or deepest secrets with. And suddenly you discover that such a person does not exist.

 

And you suddenly realize: "if this person could do this sort of thing behind my back, what else can they do? Murder me? Steal my money?

 

I don't want to poison your relationship with your wife, nvntr007, but, after such a long time together I find it strange that your wife wants to hide such things from you.

[martini-mae]

Thirty years later, it hit me with the force of a tsunami that my wife had had an affair with her boss!

 

I have been married as long as you have been.

Here's a question for you. Are you looking for a reason to get out of the marriage now? Because if that's what's happening people can find reasons if they continue to look & poke around long enough.

 

30 years, man that's a really long time. I find it hard to believe that after all this time you & your wife aren't bonded together in your marriage.

I realize that quite a lot of marriages end after 20+ years because of boredom from either spouse. There are no children to tend to anymore, so why bother being together.

 

My question is - What's your real reason for not letting this go after all of this time?

[nvntr007]

I have been married as long as you have been.

Here's a question for you. Are you looking for a reason to get out of the marriage now? Because if that's what's happening people can find reasons if they continue to look & poke around long enough.

 

30 years, man that's a really long time. I find it hard to believe that after all this time you & your wife aren't bonded together in your marriage.

I realize that quite a lot of marriages end after 20+ years because of boredom from either spouse. There are no children to tend to anymore, so why bother being together.

 

My question is - What's your real reason for not letting this go after all of this time?

 

Thanx, Martini-mae, for asking these things. First, I want to apologize to all who have followed this thread for my not being back sooner. I find it very difficult to get back to the forum on a consistent and regular basis due to time constraints and lack of opportunity. Sorry for that !!

 

The fact is that, with that one exception, everything is, and always has been, perfectly fine in our marriage. I have never doubted my wife's love for me and she has shown it consistently throughout our lives together. We have never had a disagreement on any of the core issues of life (money, kids, religion, politics, ....). The longest argument we have ever had probably lasted a good hour---we both find it very easy to admit to being wrong and to apologize for our misunderstandings. I believe that these facts are why I was able to go for such a very long time without concern for her one affair (which, I wish to reiterate, had ended more than three years before she told me about it and, thus, was somewhat blunted by time). I have much more I want to say, but, need time to translate it into words on the printed page.

 

As to your final question: That's one of the things for which I am seeking an answer. I think, as has been pointed out by (?) I simply need closure. Again, I have more thoughts that need to be organized for (a) later post(s).

 

Thanx, again, Martini-mae, for posting.

[schewter]

Anyone that can catagorize an A as "nonsense" clearly has never been betrayed. In fact, I would venture to guess they are of the cheating style of thought. But that's just an observation.

3 weeks, 3 years or 30 years; betrayal is betrayal. It knows no statute of limitations. Your heart nor you will ever be the same. I am glad that you two have been able to share sooo many good years post affair. But the simple truth us that SHE cheated for 3 years. If knowing the sordid details is what you need for closure, then that is HER responsibility to provide them...and it should be willingly.

Otherwise, she is saying "my happiness is more important than yours & I'll do whatever I feel like". I would be VERY suspicious of what details she does not want you to know...even after 30 good years together...hmmm.

I would continue to press on for the WHOLE truth, as it's what you need to process a trauma that you supressed for 30 years for the betterment of your marriage. DO NOT listen to that poster that called it nonsense. I doubt anything helpful or meaningful can be found in his/her posts.

Good luck & keep us posted.

 

First of all your observation is way off so you may want to re-think your talent for seeing clearly. Yes...3 years of nonsense is a good characterization 30 years after the fact. You can offer whatever advice you like based on your own sense and sensibilities but I frankly believe there is a point when one has to either "go" or "let it go". You really think Her telling every last detail she likely only half remembers and is ashamed to talk about is really gonna make this guy feel better? And as far as being "helpful"...I read the crap advice people dish out on here all the time; usually they first tell the person looking for support that the individual they still love is even worse than they thought with nothing more than their own bitterness based on their own experience to back them up. Newsflash: Everybody's situation is different!! This fellows wife has been a good wife for 30 years...regardless of what you and others may think some here believe a person can atone for bad behaviour.

[on1wheel]

First of all your observation is way off so you may want to re-think your talent for seeing clearly. Yes...3 years of nonsense is a good characterization 30 years after the fact. You can offer whatever advice you like based on your own sense and sensibilities but I frankly believe there is a point when one has to either "go" or "let it go". You really think Her telling every last detail she likely only half remembers and is ashamed to talk about is really gonna make this guy feel better? And as far as being "helpful"...I read the crap advice people dish out on here all the time; usually they first tell the person looking for support that the individual they still love is even worse than they thought with nothing more than their own bitterness based on their own experience to back them up. Newsflash: Everybody's situation is different!! This fellows wife has been a good wife for 30 years...regardless of what you and others may think some here believe a person can atone for bad behaviour.

 

Schewter,

I stand by my innitial assessment of you & your inability to understand the damage caused by betrayal & all the rest that goes along with an affair.

Yes a person can change, but they can also learn to be a better cheater & not get caught. It is more likely than a 1 time cheater I am sad to say. Cheaters are selfish to their core & care little for rules or morality.

A person that is capable of cheating, lying & betraying someone that they swore in front of God, family & friends to love, honour & respect; yet do that which will likely damage someone to their core is capable of just about anything. I think you would always need to be wary of such a person...spouse or not.

Now if you disagree with me (again) then PM me & I would be happy to debate you further there. Let's not hijack this thread any further Schewter.

To the OP, I wish you well. Just so you know, I will probably be you in 24 years. I am 2.5 yrs post D-day & it still cuts to the bone...daily. Cheers.

[Jilly Bean]

You sound like a Stepford Wife (Husband).

 

You wife confesses a THREE YEAR affair, then tells you she wants to move out, and take your child with her.

 

I don't think you fully processed what was happening at that point. Your wife told you she lied to you, betrayed you, and cheated on you for YEARS. I'm sure you understand the level of duplicity she's capable of. An affair of this length takes work.

 

To further her confession, she ends by telling you she wants to leave you, take the baby, and go live with her parents. She WANTED to leave you, I'm afraid.

 

So, this is where you become Stepford Wife. You become the ultimate doormat. Tell her you will never talk of it again, you never held her accountable, and she was never responsible in any way. Basically, you enabled her to do it over and over.

 

I think the reason you suddenly had this epiphany after 30 years, is that the obvious has occured to you. That you remember how easily she lied, how easily she hid her affair. You have to be wondering how many more times she has cheated. Remember - by your refusal to hold her accountable, you basically gave her a free pass to do it again. Your actions told her she could cheat, no repercussions, and youd accept whatever she did.

 

Honestly, I cant imagine anyone finding much respect for a partner who would sell themselves out so badly.

 

Your whole description of this perfect life, and perfect marriage - one in which you only fought once for all of an hour in 30 years, also contributes to this Stepford thing.

 

I think you and your wife have both been living in denial for many, many years, and if you opened Pandoras box, I think you'd be shocked at what would pop out.

 

Get counseling. For both of you.

[2sunny]

the fact that she hid it for 3 years and acted as if nothing was wrong shows she's capable of pulling this off - pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

she INTENDED to walk away... leaving you... without your child. most likely so she could continue to see her OM. surely she had concocted a plan at that time to have her future with her OM. she was just getting you out of the picture... but you said no. she wasn't expecting that or she never would have confessed.

 

when you stated she could stay and she didn't have to disclose anything further - YOU gave her full permission to be accountable for NOTHING. she had her out. she had been momentarily honest and was off the hook... if only you stayed quiet. she'll likely mad now because too much time has passed for you to deserve to know the truth... you had your chance. she's thinking - why does he have to know now?

 

did she do more through the years? you may never know. would a loving wife be willing to allow her H to have a voice? yes. would a loving wife be honest with her H? yes. would she encourage honest communication? yes. she has been none of these important traits in a healthy marriage. maybe your marriage isn't what you THOUGHT it was. delusion is a very curious thing.

 

i'm left wondering if she really has been as happy as she's PRETENDED to be all these 30 years... she has shown evidence that she wasn't happy before and pretended to be throughout the affair. to pretend is still a form of lying.

 

i would have no basis for trust if she wasn't willing to tell every and any detail that gives you the peace of mind you've wondered about and have now asked for.

 

why is she so intent on being quiet then and now? what's she so intent on hiding that she's willing to risk the M after 30 years? she must have something big to hide. makes me wonder... have you done dna testing on your child? it's a terrible thought but it's a possibility since she was involved with him back then.

 

she's hiding something. it make take down the marriage. either way it's hard to trust when she doesn't look like she's being trustworthy now.

 

is her honor to the marriage and its survival or is it to her self and her secrets? they say you are only as sick as your secrets... in this case it rings true.

[Jilly Bean]

. have you done dna testing on your child? it's a terrible thought but it's a possibility since she was involved with him back then.

 

Oh, wow, Sunny. Gosh, I never even thought of that, but now that you mention it - damn.

 

This is turning into a lifetime movie.