curlygirl40 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Hi Everyone Having not dated for 20 years this is all soooo new to me so I wanted to run down the situation and get some input on what is the definition of a f buddy, friends with benefits, booty call, g/f, b/f, etc. I’ll give you the situation so you know why I’m asking. I’ll try to be brief but I’ve never been good at that. I am currently separated. We are still on talking terms and are kind of friendly, our agreement has been ironed out and we’re just waiting on the divorce date (Sept ish). He has moved out. I was controlled by him for so long (married almost 18 years) that I am soooo looking forward to being single, to being on my own, to making sure the kids are o.k, to find the person that I lost all of those years ago (me!). Wasn’t at all looking to get into any kind of situation with a guy, but…. About 4 months ago I met up with an old friend for lunch. Haven’t seen him in 20 years. It was all innocent at first, we started texting and talking and it was friendly. I was definitely attracted to him but not sure if I was ready for any of this. After about a month of seeing him friendly became flirty, then flirty became kissing. About a month after that kissing became other things, but not sex. So about 3 months after our first lunch we were being sexually intimate. I have to say here that being in a relationship is not something that I want or wanted at the time. BUT having someone want me was like an addictive drug, after all of the years of abuse and neglect from my husband. I’ve worked hard to get myself back in shape and I’m buying new clothes and feeling attractive again. And IMO much of this is because this guy is paying attention to me and it makes me feel so good about myself. It feels awesome!!! He touches me in such a sweet way, he’s fun to be around, I trust him with me. So for the past 4 months we have been seeing each other about once a week. Sometimes alone and we will have sex (in the past month that is), but sometimes lunches or dinner and nothing sexual will happen at all. We rarely go a day w/o at least texting. I would say we’re about 70/30 (with me being the 70) as far as who initiates the texting, and about 50/50 with who initiates our get togethers. The times we get together and have sex it’s not just sex. We’ll have dinner, watch a movie, talk for hours, then have sex then talk for an hour or more after. It’s not like once the sex is done he’s rushing me out the door. We lay and talk. We laugh A LOT. He shares things with me about what he’s going through with his adult kids, etc. I made it very clear to him in the beginning (before the kissing even) that I don’t want to be in a relationship. What we have feels good. I like him more than I wanted to though. I think about him often, I wonder where it’s all going, etc. So here’s my confusion. In my female brain I can’t stop obsessing. What are we doing? How is this defined? Even though I don’t really want it to be more than it is, I have a hard time just letting it be. In the beginning when I told him I wasn’t ready (before the kissing) I asked him what he wanted from me and he said ‘I want to get to know you better’. That was almost 4 months ago. One time I was a little nutty and made some sort of comment to him about the fact that I liked him and I hope when I’m ready that he’ll still be available (this was in the beginning) and he said ‘I’ll be here, I’m not going anywhere, just relax and take it as it comes’. I have a very good male friend who has seen us out together and here is his take. He thinks that he’s taking it slow because he knows my situation is difficult (separation and not fully divorced), he thinks we have major chemistry together and it’s obvious when we’re together, he thinks we have way more than f buddies or friends with benefits. He thinks we’re friends and lovers and we have chemistry together and we’ll be in each other’s lives for a while. So this is from a good male friend, but yet my gut is telling me differently. Here’s my problem/confusion and where my overactive mind is driving me crazy. He has a profile on a dating website. We haven’t discussed him dating anyone else, because since I don’t want to be in a relationship it’s wrong of me to insist he not date. We’re not exclusive, etc. But at the same time (and I’m fully aware of how contradictory I’m being, that’s my problem here) even though I can assume he’s dating other people that makes me feel like he’s keeping me around until something better comes along. I know that might not be the case, that maybe it’s typical these days for everyone to keep their options open, etc. Oh, and just so you know, we’re both in our early to mid 40’s. He has been divorced for about 17 years and has been in 3 LTR’s since then, the last 2 year relationship ending about 6 months ago. I find myself getting a little jealous when I see a hot new friend on his FB. We only see each other about once a week. Sometimes it’s me asking him and sometimes it’s him asking me. There definitely is some attraction there. I feel it when I’m with him. He’s very sweet, a great friend, I love the time we spend together.I would say about once a week we talk on the phone, sometimes more. And the phone calls are almost always initiated by HIM and not me. We’ll talk for almost an hour, just catching up. I have to say I LOVE where we are at and wouldn’t really change a thing. So I’m not saying ‘help I want out of the friendzone’ or anything like that. This is also going to sound contradictory but I know I could ask him what we’re doing (ya know, instead of all of you , but I’m afraid if he just wants to keep things as they are that by me asking he’s going to think I’m trying to have the ‘where is this going’ conversation and then if he doesn’t want more he might run. And I don’t want that cuz I’m happy where things are, it’s just my mind races sometimes trying to define it. My problem is I haven’t dated in 20 years. I’m not use to the whole internet being around during dating. It’s all so new with texting, facebook, internet dating, e-mail, cell phones, etc., etc. So are we FWB? Or are we just starting things out slowly and it could progress? If it is just FWB could it progress if it is? If I wanted it in the future could that happen or have we set the tone already and there’s no changing it? What is the difference between FWB, F buddy and a booty call? My male friend is telling me none of those describe our situation but I'm confused and for some reason my gut is telling me he is playing the field and I am just making it easy on him so he's hanging around. But yet we're such good friends and we talk a ton, would he do that if he was just playing with me until he finds something better? Argh! Thanks
Serenitynow Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 So here’s my confusion. In my female brain I can’t stop obsessing. What are we doing? Thats because the female brain usually has to label everything. And once you label it, than you can analyze it. And once you analyze it. . . . and so on. It sounds to me like everything is pretty cool. I wouldn't say its a F-buddy situation either.
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Oh I agree! I am the type of person who likes things in little neatly wrapped boxes. Easy to define, easy to analyze! So something like this I can't define, so I want to analyze it and pick it apart and ask what each thing means. My friends tell me the same thing. That I need to just relax and enjoy it and stop wondering what it all means. Women overanalyze and overthink. Men are like 'arrive naked, and bring food'. Just kidding, no offense. Thanks!
Serenitynow Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Women overanalyze and overthink. Men are like 'arrive naked, and bring food'. Just kidding, no offense. Well I'm far from the typical male thought process. How do you think your friends and I are on the same page ? Women dont like guys that know how they work. Thus the reason I cant get a date.
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