Husband Decides Monogamy Isn't For Him - After Marriage and Baby. !

[amorvincitomnia]

So last week my husband asked my permission to sleep with other women. I was completely stunned and taken off guard. We've been together for seven years, married for two, and have a fifteen month old son. I've never given him any ideas that anything except monogamy is acceptable. We had this in our marriage vows. I do NOT want an open marriage, and I don't want him sleeping with other women. I believe him when he says he loves me and he hasn't cheated. But part of me wonders if this is only a matter of time. We've been to a therapist, but my husband felt condescended to because he felt the therapist was seeing him as a pathology. He says he will be miserable without being able to sleep with other women, but he will be miserable without me if we split. I said he could have them or he could have me, but he couldn't have both. He chose my son and I. I am reeling - we are going to go to another counselor to talk about this. I'm over the angry part, and now I am sad and scared. My biggest concern is for our son, who is currently spending time at grandma's while we figure things out.

 

My husband has been the love of my life, but things haven't been great between us before this happened. I'm scared I can't live with someone who I know wants to act on his feelings. I was angry that he didn't tell me this before we married and had a child. I am trying to stay busy, learn what my rights are, and find more income (I currently work part time and I'm home with my son). I am heartbroken.

[quankanne]

do you think he's doing this to get your attention, or do you think maybe he feels the marriage is blah, and this is the way to "liven" his life up?

 

if extramarital relationships are a deal-breaker for you, then you must definitely tell him so, and ask why he feels that sleeping with other women is a good thing for y'alls marriage. If he gets to screw around, does this mean you also get to have other men (somehow, I'm thinking he'll want to draw the line at that, because it's not about you, or y'all, but about HIM).

 

I'm sorry you've got to deal with this, but at this point, forewarned is fore-armed, you know?

 

hugs,

q

[AVR1962]

I would be very clear in stating what you feel. My first husband wanted to have 3-somes, I did not. he ended up cheating behind my back but with him it would have never been enough. He left me for a lady he thought he loved, cheated in her, she left him married a 2nd time and chated on her as well and she divorced him. So for me it seems clear, if you do not want an open marriage he needs to seek help for these desires, or you need to seek marriage counseling. I do belive allowing such behavior will only be the beginning to the end of your marriage.

[xxoo]

. He says he will be miserable without being able to sleep with other women, but he will be miserable without me if we split. I said he could have them or he could have me, but he couldn't have both.

 

Good answer.

 

So he has a choice:

 

Be miserable without other women.

Be miserable without you.

 

or

 

Do self work in order to figure out what he wants and needs, in order to avoid misery.

 

He doesn't like that the counselor is treating him as a pathology, but he is the one saying he is miserable with you and miserable without you. He clearly has some issues to work out.

 

Big questions for him:

Why does he feel he needs other women? What is it that he needs?

Is it the variety? Frequency? Attention? Excitement? Ego boost? A fetish not being explored at home?

Will sex with other women actually fulfill his need, or is he filling up and endless hole?

Can sex with you be tweaked in a way that it will fulfill his need?

 

What happens when he has (theoretical) permission to sleep with other women, and finds that other women don't want to sleep with him? It isn't like anyone is OWED sex by a variety of women.

[amorvincitomnia]

Thank you for your kind responses. I feel so shaken up. I've made it clear that this is not acceptable to me, and it never will be. He's made it clear that he will always feel this way, but he wants to stay married to me. I told him if he cheats, that's the end of the marriage. He is willing to go to counseling, but he seems resistant to any therapist who disagrees with him, so I am concerned that we will bounce around with therapists. I am seeing my own individual counselor.

 

How do I manage in the meantime? I feel like everything has changed. I don't know if I will able to live with a man who I know wants to sleep with other women. I am not against polyamory, but it is not something for me or my relationship. I knew this going in, and was open about it.

 

Has anyone else been through this? How does your marriage survive?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Why is this coming up now?

 

Has he been faithful for 7 years or only the 2 you've been married?

 

It seems he would have known he would be "miserable if he can't sleep with other women" before now?

 

Did you marry because of the pregnancy?

[Snowflower]

I said he could have them or he could have me, but he couldn't have both. He chose my son and I. I am reeling - we are going to go to another counselor to talk about this. I'm over the angry part, and now I am sad and scared.

 

First of all, (((hugs to you))).

 

I know this probably won't make sense to you, but in a way, I applaud your H for his honesty. Most people who are feeling the way he is aren't up-front enough to say what they really want to do. At least your H was honest enough with you to tell you up-front what he wants...rather than sneaking around and cheating on you behind your back.

 

In a way, I guess you could look at his admission as a sign of respect for you, believe it or not. Now, it is up to YOU to decide what you will tolerate and it sounds like you've made this clear to him.

 

You drew the line in the sand for him and made it clear what you want and expect from him if he remains in your marriage.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain and at the end of the day, we cannot control what other people say or do, even our spouses. At least you know what you are up against and can decide from there.

 

Good luck to you.

[amorvincitomnia]

xxoo your reply was just what I was looking for to try and figure things out - what to say/ask.

 

My husband is very attractive and has never had a problem getting women. He's also sweet, kind, romantic, and highly intelligent. He's not arrogant about his looks or sexual prowess - but he is hot and an amazing lover.

 

He's told me (after I asked) about some of the women he wants to sleep with (peep not through keyholes is true). 3 of the women he works with are on his list. He was propositioned for a threesome by two other women (which he told me about and turned down).

[amorvincitomnia]

Hi txsilkysmoothe

 

He has been faithful all 7 years, to the best of my knowledge. We had an incident last summer that made me uncomfortable, but I don't think he cheated.

 

I got pregnant on our honeymoon in Hawaii, so no, we didn't get married because I got pregnant. The baby was planned, we waited until we got married to start trying and I got pregnant right away.

[amorvincitomnia]

Snowflower, you are right - I felt so glad that he trusted me to tell me. It doesn't make this pain any less though. Thanks for the hugs.

 

How do I figure out if this is something I can live with? Especially since it isn't just about me - my first concern is my son.

[luvstarved]

It is good to try to get him thinking about what it is that he is "missing" or

truly "wanting" and asking questions, etc. But, I would not expect total

analytical clarity on it. He just has a wiggle in his pants that he feels he cannot make go away without indulging it with other people. I doubt that he has seriously thought it through much beyond that. He's been tempted and can't make those thoughts disappear it seems.

 

But I would try to get him to define what this "vision" of a marriage would look like. Even though you have already clearly stated your position, I would ask him, what would be your ideal? To be honest, I would want to know if his attitude is one of open marriage or, he gets to do what he wants. That would be very telling to me, if he wanted you to be open-minded but did not want the same for you (some guys would say, well, no, you don't get to do it because "women don't have that need", others would say "well to be fair if I am going to do it I have to expect you to, too", others might say "hell no, are you crazy? For me it's meaningless sex, if you did it it might get emotional!!") so personally, I'd want to gauge him on this...not that it would change my mind, but would definitely reveal his attitude.

 

I have been in an open marriage, btw, and it works for very very few people, and was a disaster for me. Turned into "sex wars". My H was a real ladies' man and got a lot of women, but no matter how many women he could get, I could always get more men. So he wanted me to "wait" until he got somebody before I could, almost like handicapping. Sheesh. Also, there were "ground rules", like don't mess with my friends, that were pretty immediately violated. For some guys, wherever you draw the line, over the line is what entices them. Sigh.

 

I have told my current H the same as you have told yours. Decide what you want but the choice is clear. I do not believe mine has cheated, but he'd rather masturbate anyway!

 

It's always something! Best of luck, I'd stick to my guns, but try to understand more about where his head is at.

 

I do agree with the other poster, though, that he is to be commended for at least being honest about it.

[amorvincitomnia]

He did say I could have sex with other men, but that he didn't really want me to (he said it was only fair). I don't want to. The way I am, I can't have sex with someone I am not in love with - I never have. If I have sex with another man it would mean our marriage is over.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, Amor.

I can see his point.

 

Don't blow my head off..... let me explain....

 

I've said this before, so if others have read this, I apologise for being repetitive, but I am completely and utterly convinced that Mankind is not a monogamous creature.

We are primarily mammals, and there are no mammals on this planet that stick with a lifelong partner.

We're not programmed to do that.

We are naturally promiscuous.

If you need proof, if we really were designed/programmed to be monogamous, infidelity would be unusual, Divorces would be halved, and prostitutes would be out of a job.

 

Desire is Natural.

 

But (and it's a big 'But'):

 

Fidelity is a choice.

 

Fidelity is a commitment.

Cleaving to one partner, and promising to do so, is an obligation. To that partner, to all who witnessed the Marital union, and also, to ourselves.

 

Frankly?

I'd be damn hopping mad that he has the audacity to tell you this now, when in all probability he felt this way a long time before you married.

not only is he a potential cheater, he's also a liar, and a flake, for committing to something he now clearly has no intention of sticking to.

because I am of the opinion that his carnal desires are getting stronger. hence his reasoning behind admitting it to you.

He couldn't keep his yap shut any longer.

That and - if he does cheat - a way of appeasing his conscience.

"Honey, I did tell you - why then are you so surprised? I tried to warn you, but you didn't want to know!"

Disliking therapists is denial and even though carnally I can understand what his reasoning is, the fact is - and the fact remains - he went into marriage with you, with both eyes open.

Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him into it. He married you out of his own free will, and he said the words without coercion.

 

Stick to your guns.

Make it quite clear, it's you and your way, or the highway.

if he really can't keep his little buddy zipped and covered - then he can take a hike.

There is no other way, no compromise, no middle ground.

 

it reminds me a bit of the occasional Bisexual's lament that they love their (opposite sex) spouse, but miss engaging sexually with someone of their gender.

They feel that because it's same-sex sex, it somehow makes it excusable, ok and understandable.

Well, it doesn't.

It's still cheating.

 

same situation here.

I really wouldn't care a damn how much he feels he's missing out and 'needs to have sex with other women'.

 

If that's the case, fine.

He knows his options, then.

 

Doesn't he?

[impz]

He did say I could have sex with other men, but that he didn't really want me to (he said it was only fair). I don't want to. The way I am, I can't have sex with someone I am not in love with - I never have. If I have sex with another man it would mean our marriage is over.

 

I don't really have a comment to help your situation simply because it's such a sudden shock if I was the one receiving this message from my wife. I would say that it is becoming a bit untenable for your situation, and I think you might need some alone time to think about whether it is worth to make a fight out of this, and hope that your husband will get that out of his system. It doesn't seem he would, and he is honest enough to admit that. Hence, I think you have done well to draw the line, and I do hope whatever it is, you do not get hurt too badly. You have done well to be so rational.

[BellaBellaBella]

Ask him if he is asking for swiming or polyamory? There is a difference and it could be important to any decision you make.

[TaraMaiden]

Swiming?

 

Do you mean "swinging"?

 

Either way, I don't think it will make a fart in the wind's difference to Amor.

 

if you read her first post, it's either infidelity - and divorce - or fidelity - and she stays.

She really couldn't have made it clearer.

There is no opening, or opportunity, as far as Amor is concerned, for any ambiguity.

It's either other women, or her.

No middle ground.

[2sure]

Just different words for the same old thing:

 

He wants to bang other women and he cant help it .

Its different for him. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you or the marriage.

 

Ive had lots of threesomes with no issue. But MOST people do and most of the issues come from the guys. They arent so much into swinging as they are cheating. So dont buy that for a moment.

 

DO NOT let him play that I cant help it crap.

[carhill]

I'd say let him explore his misery

[torranceshipman]

xxoo your reply was just what I was looking for to try and figure things out - what to say/ask.

 

My husband is very attractive and has never had a problem getting women. He's also sweet, kind, romantic, and highly intelligent. He's not arrogant about his looks or sexual prowess - but he is hot and an amazing lover.

 

He's told me (after I asked) about some of the women he wants to sleep with (peep not through keyholes is true). 3 of the women he works with are on his list. He was propositioned for a threesome by two other women (which he told me about and turned down).

 

WHAT?! You need to tell the guy to pack his bags. This is disgusting. Your self esteem will be so on the floor if you let him stay. I literally cannot understand how cruel he is being to you. To break your heart then give you a list of women he works with that he would like to sleep with? Completely unacceptable.

 

He isn't respecting you in the slightest - he is being ridiculous and selfish. Empathic human beings just do not do this. Leave him - let him lose you - make him get back that respect that he had for you, as right now he is treating you like a complete doormat. Let him be selfish without you. But on NO ACCOUNT let him continue this way - he is walking all over you.

[lolalove]

WHAT?! You need to tell the guy to pack his bags. This is disgusting. Your self esteem will be so on the floor if you let him stay. I literally cannot understand how cruel he is being to you. To break your heart then give you a list of women he works with that he would like to sleep with? Completely unacceptable.

 

He isn't respecting you in the slightest - he is being ridiculous and selfish. Empathic human beings just do not do this. Leave him - let him lose you - make him get back that respect that he had for you, as right now he is treating you like a complete doormat. Let him be selfish without you. But on NO ACCOUNT let him continue this way - he is walking all over you.

 

I agree with this, and I believe his honestly to you is a warning of things to come. My gut based on what you've said tells me he will cheat. If you won't except infidelity, he will find away to do it anyway. He will find a way to not be miserable. If he is making a list of women he'd like to sleep with, then he's already crossed a line. How hurtful can he be?

[jenifer1972]

Hate to use too many cliches, but they are all true..

 

He pulled a HUGE bait and switch on you.

 

Now he is DOUBLE BINDING you. Damned if you do agree, damned if you don't.

 

This man is EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative.