OM wants to meet me

[Owl]

The idea of letting him meet your daughter...and let him see the damage he's done to her first hand might have some small amount of merit.

 

But you're 'assuming' that it might have some emotional impact on him.

 

You've got to realize that it also might not.

 

The risk of this turning into a physical conflict (and a lawsuit) does seem pretty high. It absolutely would have done so in my case had OM and I ever met in person...regardless of public setting or not.

 

Like I said...there's usually no real value in the BS meeting with the OW/OM most of the time...there are exceptions, but not when there's the risks present in this case.

 

Your best course of action at this time would be to support your daughter as best you can...and hire the deadliest tiger shark of a lawyer you can find to manage the divorce for you.

[norajane]

Why would his daughter want to meet this guy? If I were her, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

 

Still don't know why they can't talk on the phone, if there is anything to be said.

[jthorne]

Why would his daughter want to meet this guy? If I were her, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

 

Still don't know why they can't talk on the phone, if there is anything to be said.

I don't think she should see the guy. And I really doubt the guy would agree to see her. But telling him that he could see the girl in counseling could possibly get across to the guy that he's hurt innocent people.

 

People in affairs always claim that they aren't betraying the children. I think this illustrates otherwise.

 

I dunno, maybe the OP could just say that anyone that hurt his daughter so much that she has to be in counseling would be someone that the OP would have no desire to speak with, see ya in court.

 

The point is, I think the OM wants to get together to blow smoke up the OP's ass, or alternatively, cause trouble. He think HE is in charge of the situation. Bringing the daughter up would give him a dose of reality.

[Gfkr2]

I had a day to sleep on the idea of meeting the OM. I don't think it is in my best interests to meet him in person at this time. At some point when I am less driven by emotion, yes. My WW stated to me this morning "he's a real nice guy"....I don't get it. It's almost like she is looking for MY approval to run off with this scumbag- WOW.

 

I gather his real motivation in wanting a face to face to tell me to "back-off" making waves with his M. I sent her an email that details exactly how he is a cheater and master of deception. The WW said this morning his W got the email and is ready to "thrown him out of the house" . He might also want to goad me into taking a swing at him by saying something stupid or hurtful toward my daughter. I can't take ANY chances that affect my daughter. I'll talk to the POS over the telephone and first give him an opportunity to say whatever is on his mind. I may or may not respond depending on the conversation.

 

In a bit of discouraging news, I went to see my lawyer. My State has an antiquated alimony law that tilts ridiculously in favor of the W, and I am screwed unless we can reach a mediated settlement. My filing divorce listing her A as a reason means very little here and does not benefit me in the divorce given the longevity of our M. She can F my M and get half or more of EVERYTHING. I am so depressed seeing her get anything of value, but the having my daughter makes the bitter pill easier to swallow...

[2sure]

Good idea not to meet OM. Its too much of an emotional hot bed for you, especially because he no doubt thinks he can manipulate you as easily as his wife into thinking he did nothing wrong. People like that EXPECT their lies to be believed.

 

Because your daughter wrongly and inadvertently became involved in this mess....dont involve her again.

 

Staying married because legal logistics make divorce too difficult is not uncommon. If that is what you decide...reconciling this marriage and getting past this crisis IS completely possible. But you both have work to do.

[scatterd]

You are sending messages over the Internet it might not be her answering my husband know my password and such he would be in it everyday if this was the case.I think he does not want her to know and your wife maybe helping him.Lies lies lies.I would not believe anything either of them have to say.

[cavedweller]

Gfkr2,

 

Will she get half of everything in a divorce?--Maybe, maybe not...A judge will decide that in the end..

[Dexter Morgan]

What do you think, should I accept his invite to meet in a public place?

 

I would....and did.

 

I would reply back and tell him, "sure I'll meet you. first, what do you want?"

 

 

We are both successful professionals and I do not envision anything physcial between us, but I am mad as hell with this guy. Has anyone else heard of something like this? I am ready to accept on the condition the meeting is in a public place. Thoughts?

 

I'd like to know just what the hell he wants. I mean you are getting rid of your cheating louse of a wife. He can have her.

 

So what is it that he wants?

[Dexter Morgan]

Gfkr2,

 

Will she get half of everything in a divorce?--Maybe, maybe not...A judge will decide that in the end..

 

the law is 1/2 of the marital assets. Only way she won't get 1/2 that is if she give is up.

 

Nothing you can do about that. But I feel infidelity SHOULD come into play with regards to who becomes the custodial parent. You'd think a judge wouldn't want a young woman to be raised by an older, unscrupulous woman.

[jj33]

I can only echo what the others said. Dont do it.

 

You want to make him jumpy. Blow him off. He is a piece of gum stuck on your new shoes. He doesnt matter. That will make him VERY nervous.

 

What can he want at this delicate point? To tell you he plans to marry your WW and wants a good relationship with your daughter? Doubtful.

 

if his W doesnt want to know about the A whether its true or its him pretending to be her, you can bet he wants to ask you not to rock the boat anymore at his house.

 

As much pleasure as it would give you to tell him he hasnt a snowflakes chance in a heatwave of getting you to back off on that one, its not worth it.

 

There is NOTHING you can say to him now that will do you any good. And as you said if he is smug or downplays it you may not be able to resist the urge to punch his lights out or say something you may later regret.

 

Tell him you are too busy and when the time is right (if ever) meet him then.

 

In the meantime name him as a respondent in your divorce, and send a copy of the papers to his W signed for special delivery. Then maybe she will believe you.

 

Really sorry this happened to you.

[Gfkr2]

I can only echo what the others said. Dont do it.

 

You want to make him jumpy. Blow him off. He is a piece of gum stuck on your new shoes. He doesnt matter. That will make him VERY nervous.

 

What can he want at this delicate point? To tell you he plans to marry your WW and wants a good relationship with your daughter? Doubtful.

 

if his W doesnt want to know about the A whether its true or its him pretending to be her, you can bet he wants to ask you not to rock the boat anymore at his house.

 

As much pleasure as it would give you to tell him he hasnt a snowflakes chance in a heatwave of getting you to back off on that one, its not worth it.

 

There is NOTHING you can say to him now that will do you any good. And as

you said if he is smug or downplays it you may not be able to resist the urge to punch his lights out or say something you may later regret.

 

Tell him you are too busy and when the time is right (if ever) meet him then.

 

In the meantime name him as a respondent in your divorce, and send a copy of the papers to his W signed for special delivery. Then maybe she will believe

you.

 

Really sorry this happened to you.

 

That, my friend, is great advice and I very much appreciate your kind words and those of others who have weighed in on my situation. Having the support of each of you has made my world a better place!!!

[cavedweller]

A thought for you..Your daughter could live with you..Then your ex-wife could pay you child support.

[BellaBellaBella]

If your DD is 16, she gets to decide who she wants to live with. I would assure her you want her to live with you. Tell her Mum has a boyfriend, during marriage you don't do that. Make sure she knows she is welcome to live with you. Talk to the therapist and tell her what your doing. If she catches them once it can and will happen again.

[jj33]

I agree with Bellas suggestion that you make it clear to your daughter that you want her to live with you.

 

However I would not suggest the Mom has a boyfriend bit.

 

I would not throw stones at WWs affair to your daughter. She is old enough to know assimilate the information for herself. Mom was doing it with someone else, how could she do that to Dad etc etc.

 

You do NOT want to make your child a hand grenade in marital warfare (Mom is a ho' - no your Dad is a monster he drove me to it... etc etc)

 

Paying a WW alimony (if it comes to that) or dividing marital assets because she cheated is salt in the wound. That being said its not about the money. Its about your pride your heart your life.

 

Regardless of what has happened, a 16 year old girl may feel she wants to be with her mother (depending on their relationship of course) for a whole variety of reasons some good some not so good. And that would NOT be a reflection on who she loves best. Her counsellor will be able to help her with these issues of course. It is likely to be a very difficult decision for her. You are the wounded party, her mother has let her down in an unimaginable way. It must be very confusing for her.

 

Tread carefully my friend as difficult as it is.

 

The anger and bitterness you must feel right now are natural youd be hiding from your feelings if you didnt feel that way. But dont let that guide the choices you make or the way you deal with your daughter (not that you would, you sound very grounded).

[Gfkr2]

A thought for you..Your daughter could live with you..Then your ex-wife could pay you child support.

 

That's the law here and my plan. However the amount only partially offsets the alimony liability. DD very much wants to remain in HER home with me. The W wants to move into her own love nest once the Divorce is final.

 

My DD is, unfortunatly, very involved by having initially snooped on her Mom's cell phone after seeing her acting suspiciously. D is remarkably intuitive and notices everything I miss as an adult in what was once a happy, trusting relationship. She saw a number of scandelous text messages between her Mom and the OM. The WW was sloppy in never deleting a text message or photo of the OM on her cell phone.

 

If you can beleive it my D is even more angry and less forgiving in her attitude toward her Mom with the A. I am working my best to have her understand it is best in the long term that she remain open to rebuilding her relationship with her Mom despite all the pain. Now, she's ticked at me for making such a suggestion. I think she will eventually come to terms with her Mom's failures and they can rebuild a relationship. I would never stand in the way of this knowing how critical it is for her to have the love and support of BOTH her parents.

[Dexter Morgan]

That's the law here and my plan. However the amount only partially offsets the alimony liability.

 

you shouldn't have to pay alimony to a cheating huss. aint that grand, she cheats, and you get to pay her for it. amazing.

 

fight alimony tooth and nail!!! what does your attorney say about it?

[Allisha]

I had a day to sleep on the idea of meeting the OM. I don't think it is in my best interests to meet him in person at this time. At some point when I am less driven by emotion, yes. My WW stated to me this morning "he's a real nice guy"....I don't get it. It's almost like she is looking for MY approval to run off with this scumbag- WOW.

 

I gather his real motivation in wanting a face to face to tell me to "back-off" making waves with his M. I sent her an email that details exactly how he is a cheater and master of deception. The WW said this morning his W got the email and is ready to "thrown him out of the house" . He might also want to goad me into taking a swing at him by saying something stupid or hurtful toward my daughter. I can't take ANY chances that affect my daughter. I'll talk to the POS over the telephone and first give him an opportunity to say whatever is on his mind. I may or may not respond depending on the conversation.

 

In a bit of discouraging news, I went to see my lawyer. My State has an antiquated alimony law that tilts ridiculously in favor of the W, and I am screwed unless we can reach a mediated settlement. My filing divorce listing her A as a reason means very little here and does not benefit me in the divorce given the longevity of our M. She can F my M and get half or more of EVERYTHING. I am so depressed seeing her get anything of value, but the having my daughter makes the bitter pill easier to swallow...

 

 

This post pretty much sums up why people need to think more about things before they make hasty decisions. I'm glad you decided against it.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself better and forget about them. They aint worth your time There's no excuse for cheating. EVER. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Yourself and your daughter should be your priority right now, and that appears to be the case.

 

I wish you all the best, genuinely - keep strong.

[NancyBotwin]

you shouldn't have to pay alimony to a cheating huss. aint that grand, she cheats, and you get to pay her for it. amazing.

 

fight alimony tooth and nail!!! what does your attorney say about it?

 

Maybe he should tell the Judge that he will agree to pay for the daughter's counseling in lieu of alimony. Seems fair to me... Sort of. Actually the WS should pay for the counseling and not even have the nerve to request alimony, but like that's gonna happen.

 

I'm sorry the daughter found out like that! But at least it's out now. Otherwise, who knows how long it could have gone on!

[Gfkr2]

Maybe he should tell the Judge that he will agree to pay for the daughter's counseling in lieu of alimony. Seems fair to me... Sort of. Actually the WS should pay for the counseling and not even have the nerve to request alimony, but like that's gonna happen.

 

I'm sorry the daughter found out like that! But at least it's out now. Otherwise, who knows how long it could have gone on!

 

The W/Cheater has nothing to do with my daughter's counselling. I refused to give her the name of the counsellor, and she doesn't really seem interested if it means she needs to confront the truth. I think the Counselor wants to meet jointly with my daughter and her mother. THAT should be an interesting session.

 

Your right about finding about her relationship with the OM fairly quickly, though I sensed something was amiss in our M at the onset of her A beginning about Christmas. I guess its what happens when you are married for a LONG time, you develop intuition where her what she says doesn't match-up with her actions and statments made over the duration of our M. She was offering way too much detail to cover-up her secrets. WW statments seemed rehersed, programed if you know what I mean. her body language was different, eye contact, etc...It just hit me she was trying to be deceitful, and obvioulsy my D picked-up on the same vibes and began to check her Mom's cell phone. It's really pathetic she had to walk in on them on D-day:o

[In_Repair]

You have a daughter to take care of... which means the best thing for you to do is to tell him he can have the cheating slut and then do your best to make your daughters life as normal as possible.

 

I've always been sort of a prick, and I grew up fighting. It was huge part of my life at one time. I'm good at it, and I thoroughly enjoy it. My POS wife has known me since I was a teenager and even though I kept her away from that part of my life, she still knew who and what I was. She knew that my first move would be to go beat her boyfriend until he quit moving. The only reason that man still walks this earth today is the fact that I had children to take care of, and my wife threatened to use any violence toward him in court as a way to take custody from me. I snapped out of it. I wanted to kill that man so damn bad, but then where would my children be? They needed their daddy more than I needed revenge. Your daughter needs you too, so don't **** up.

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe he should tell the Judge that he will agree to pay for the daughter's counseling in lieu of alimony. Seems fair to me... Sort of. Actually the WS should pay for the counseling and not even have the nerve to request alimony, but like that's gonna happen.

 

I wish I were a judge in a case like this just once. My comments on the bench would be along the following:

 

"let me get this straight Mrs. Cheating Huss[real name used in court of course]....you cheat, risk giving your husband STD's, mentally abuse your husband and daughter with your actions, and you have the nerve to ask for alimony because you chose to cheat?"

 

"Judgement for the defendant and plaintiff is to be awarded no maintenance"

[In_Repair]

Even in "no fault" states, like mine, a cheating spouse should receive little to no alimony. A dependent spouse who is cheated on will always get alimony, but not if they are the cheater. Half of all marital assets are automatically hers, but most judges won't expect you to continue supporting her if you can prove infidelity.

[jj33]

I wish I were a judge in a case like this just once. My comments on the bench would be along the following:

 

"let me get this straight Mrs. Cheating Huss[real name used in court of course]....you cheat, risk giving your husband STD's, mentally abuse your husband and daughter with your actions, and you have the nerve to ask for alimony because you chose to cheat?"

 

"Judgement for the defendant and plaintiff is to be awarded no maintenance"

 

Theres a reason that it doesnt work that way. We see the sympathetic stories here but there are many that are very complicated where cheating is not as egregious as for example when a spouse is physically or mentally abused and has been so demoralized that they cant see the forest from the trees.

 

Relatoinships are complicated and while sometimes the cheating spouse is clearly "at fault" there are many cases where the cheating is a desparate cry for help from someone trapped in a situation you wouldnt want to see a family member in and its often difficult for the courts to get to the truth in some of these cases.

[cavedweller]

Years ago I wanted to kill my wife and her sorry azz boyfriend...But, when I thought about my 15 year old daughter I backed off...Such is life...

[Gfkr2]

The OMM contacted my daughter to issue an apology for destroying her life...what a hero. He told my DD he doesn't see himself getting a divorce until his kids are grown and out of the house. My Stbx is such a sap for giving up her life for the chance she might marry him 4 years from now. I sense her having a mental breakdown when the passion of the A dies down and she is living alone.

 

My interest in meeting the OM is rekindled after he contacted my DD.