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Posted

Okay, I've been married for 16 yrs to a very nice guy, since I was 26. He doesn't cheat, do drugs, or anything that would jeapordize our marriage. How do I know this? Because we haven't had sex in 8 yrs, originally due to some emotional issues on his part but also, he has now been diagnosed with diabetes and is impotent. He is also a big online gamer. He can stay holed up in our computer room for days. I have actually dealt very well with this since I am a very independent person. We originally knew that I had a stronger sex drive and that we didn't "click" in that area, but decided to get married anyway, since everything else was pretty good. Another big problem is that he does absolutely NOTHING around the house. I even mow the lawn, shovel the snow, etc. I have a full time job, started my own small business on the side, plus cook, clean, etc. With no payoff!!!! Needless to say, I found someone else I'm interested in. He has never been married, I'm physically attracted to him and he is just a great guy. I told my husband I met someone else and would like to get separated. Of course now, my husband is doing everything I ask, but too little too late. Oh, we don't have kids...and how could we with no sex. Sorry, just alittle humor. I really don't want to stay just because it's comfortable and convenient but I'm scared of the unknown. I'm afraid I'll regret this. I'd like to hear some opinions. Thanks! :rolleyes:

Posted
Okay, I've been married for 16 yrs to a very nice guy, since I was 26. He doesn't cheat, do drugs, or anything that would jeapordize our marriage. How do I know this? Because we haven't had sex in 8 yrs, originally due to some emotional issues on his part but also, he has now been diagnosed with diabetes and is impotent. He is also a big online gamer. He can stay holed up in our computer room for days. I have actually dealt very well with this since I am a very independent person. We originally knew that I had a stronger sex drive and that we didn't "click" in that area, but decided to get married anyway, since everything else was pretty good. Another big problem is that he does absolutely NOTHING around the house. I even mow the lawn, shovel the snow, etc. I have a full time job, started my own small business on the side, plus cook, clean, etc. With no payoff!!!! Needless to say, I found someone else I'm interested in. He has never been married, I'm physically attracted to him and he is just a great guy. I told my husband I met someone else and would like to get separated. Of course now, my husband is doing everything I ask, but too little too late. Oh, we don't have kids...and how could we with no sex. Sorry, just alittle humor. I really don't want to stay just because it's comfortable and convenient but I'm scared of the unknown. I'm afraid I'll regret this. I'd like to hear some opinions. Thanks! :rolleyes:

"Through sickness & health..." I guess that doesn;t mean much to you?? his laziness...well that's something he really needs to step up and do. And looks like you gave him a kick in the a**, and he's responding. So I guess he doesn't deserve a last chance?? You have moved on, so it's easy for you now to throw him out like a old, used rag. This is what my stbx did to me...we have kids also. The likelyhood that you will regret this is high, since you obviously had feelings for your present husband...There's also very little chance that you're new relationship will work out...but that's my opinion. Why did you not consider a marriage councelor, or maybe a sex therapist to get things right?? I think you're making a mistake...

Posted

8 years--holy smoke. why did you put up with this for so long?

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Posted
"Through sickness & health..."

 

I knew someone was going to throw that at me. But what about neglecting my needs for over 8 years? I know it's a long time to put up with it, but I had more vested in the relationship. I was very involved with his family who originally were great but turned out to have major issues and I would just rather be free of them. I am not religious, so please don't say I need to stay with him or I will burn in hell. I'm only 42 yrs old and don't want to be look back when I'm 60 or 70 and say why didn't I leave then? I don't believe that I should stay unhappily married just to be able to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

Posted
"Through sickness & health..."

 

I knew someone was going to throw that at me. But what about neglecting my needs for over 8 years? I know it's a long time to put up with it, but I had more vested in the relationship. I was very involved with his family who originally were great but turned out to have major issues and I would just rather be free of them. I am not religious, so please don't say I need to stay with him or I will burn in hell. I'm only 42 yrs old and don't want to be look back when I'm 60 or 70 and say why didn't I leave then? I don't believe that I should stay unhappily married just to be able to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

You answered your own question. If you stay you will regret it- but don't think they new guy is going to make your life great, that's up to you. Good luck.

Posted

A marriage should never end because of a third person.

 

You were okay with the situation and would still be if you hadn't met someone?

Posted

Have you had rumpy-pumpy with this "great guy" yet?

Posted

I don't understand why you're posting about your situation because it sounds like your mind has already been made up.

 

Did you not say anything to him for those 8 years? If you didn't, I'd strongly encourage you to seek some sort of counseling, otherwise your next relationship will be another failure.

Posted

I'm not going to throw stones.

 

The snotty "don't your vows mean anything" and the "what about sickness and health" forget that TWO sets of vows were said.

 

What about his vows?

 

Sickness and health, yes. But love has limits. None of the marriage vows say, "No matter what."

 

It sounds like in the OP's first post, she invested 8 years into an unsatisfactory relationship. Sure, he may have been dealt the bad hand of impotence due to diabetes, but that does not eliminate the ability to provide sexual comfort and satisfaction to the spouse.

 

He checked out. He in essence, has divorced himself from her, physically and from being part of the marriage relationship.

 

To the OP, you will not find satisfaction in the new man. Take this not as a sign you need to be with him, but as a sign you need to work on your own issues. You've been physically and emotionally neglected for some time. A good place to start is in individual therapy, to work out what you need for yourself and how to express your truth in the relationship and why that hasn't happened yet.

 

It may be possible that somewhere in your heart, when you can reach it, you'll find the strength to work on the existing marriage and truly find out if the problems can be resolved or not.

 

As solitary_man stated, you need to do this so you don't start a new relationship and find some years down the road you have the same frame with a different picture in it.

Posted
"Through sickness & health..."

 

I knew someone was going to throw that at me. But what about neglecting my needs for over 8 years? I know it's a long time to put up with it, but I had more vested in the relationship. I was very involved with his family who originally were great but turned out to have major issues and I would just rather be free of them. I am not religious, so please don't say I need to stay with him or I will burn in hell. I'm only 42 yrs old and don't want to be look back when I'm 60 or 70 and say why didn't I leave then? I don't believe that I should stay unhappily married just to be able to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

 

You see the issue here is you said in your original post that "you were ok with it for 8 years". Now you're saying my needs were neglected for 8 years. Ok, so if it was so bad for you why didn't you have the decency to tell your husband "You know I have been putting up without sex for so long, but now I am feeling neglected...we really need to do something...otherwise we have to think about ending our marriage". I'll bet if you told him that a few years back...you wouldn't be posting here on this forum. You see what really happened is you felt that you had to stay in the relationship regardless, and gave up hope that you're husband would ever change. But, I'll bet he would for you. Some guys, including me, love their wives...but also expect them to be upfront with their concerns so they can be fixed. My wife told all her friends that our marriage was over years ago, and that she was unhappy for years. But guess what...she never told me that! Never...you owe it to your husband who has remained faithful to you to give him a final chance. If you find within some reasonable time that he's hopeless...then by all means end it. But you just got to give him a chance...think about it...

Posted

Women are like monkeys.

 

They don't let go of one branch until they have their eyes on another.

Posted

You had a rough marriage no doubt. But you may wanna read the grass green thread. The ending happens more than not.

Posted

Adult onset diabetes is usually type II which can be reversed or controlled. I have had it at times and there's nothing about it that made me impotent. It just sounds more like his gambling addiction runs his life and having sex would disturb his fantasy that he's going to break the bank at Monte Carlo.

Posted

My wife told all her friends that our marriage was over years ago, and that she was unhappy for years. But guess what...she never told me that! Never...you owe it to your husband who has remained faithful to you to give him a final chance. If you find within some reasonable time that he's hopeless...then by all means end it. But you just got to give him a chance...think about it...

 

You know I hear this same bullcrap from my W, "I never saw it coming" and "why didn't you tell me? I thought we were happy!"

 

I can point to the exact day and the exact words I said in many cases, either from my own journal or from emails I sent my close friend mentioning it. In other cases, I knew where we were exactly.

 

Thing is, we'll have a talk and she will sometimes grudgingly acknowledge that I did say it, but she didn't take it seriously, or blocked it out of her mind.

 

In other words, she ignored everything she didn't want to hear, so she could stay in her food addiction and continue to take me for granted. Because after all, in her own words, "she thought I was the one who would be there always, no matter what."

 

F***k a bunch of "no matter what." I never agreed to "no matter what."

Posted
Women are like monkeys.

 

They don't let go of one branch until they have their eyes on another.

 

Men are no different.

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