JD25 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I'm not sure if this is a better place to post this, please let me know if it isn't... But here's the breakdown of my husband's affair, after reading all the emails between him and his mistress: December '08 - They start emailing and coming on to each other, right after she left his office to be a SAHM to her 2 month old son (ours was one month old at the time). The conversation turns sexual, he even spends his birthday with her online for 8 hours straight. He also leaves the house to call her and tells me it's about work (I remember this because it was on our oldest son's birthday and I later read the email) March '09 - They've been in contact all this time without meeting for sex, because one of them always backs out. She says she wants to see the chemistry between them, schedules a happy hour with people from work - he stands her up, then writes back apologizing and begging to meet. They have some kind of fight over the phone, according to one email, then he stops writing her altogether. July '09 - She's invited to a birthday party via email, he's part of the email, and she "replies to all" to say she can't make it. He writes to her asking how she's been, she replies coldly. That's the end. September '09 - She invites his office to her son's birthday party. He declines but writes back all chatty and trying to bait her. She replies politely and he immediately (within 1 minute) writes back and tells her "don't be a stranger" and he would "love to see her". They decide to talk on the phone, then she emails him, COPIES HER HUSBAND, and asks my husband to call her because hers will be listening in (she got caught). My husband calls and saves her (I know this because she emails thanking him). December '09 - She visits the office near Christmas. According to emails, he invited her into his office, wanted her to touch him, she said no, and she might go back to work there. More phone calls (I don't know what they said). Emails about children, how he has been, his life, her as a mom, etc. He tells her she's doing "the right thing" by staying home and shouldn't go back to work. January '10 - After deciding that they wouldn't resume their affair until she got back to work in his office, she changes her mind and writes him asking him to meet her right away. He leads her on for a week, never setting a date, and finally stops responding. April '10 - He emails her saying that he misses her and can she please meet him. She says yes, but not until 3 weeks later. Then, she goes to his office and they have sex for the first time. She emails him the next day to set a date, again he leads her on for a week, without setting a date. A lot of emails about our lives and the kids. May '10 - She emails breaking up with him, saying that it's because she felt "guilty" and couldn't do it anymore - tells him to never contact her again. He doesn't. July '10 - She visits the office for a friend's birthday. He knows she'll be there and later admits to rushing everyone out of the office all day to make sure he could see her, and hangs up on me when she's about to leave without talking to him. He invites her into his office and apparently they had sex. He tells her he'd be off the following week but would shoot her an email once he got back. His emails are a lot more emotional and they spend a huge amount of time discussing the kids, our routines, him complimenting her on everything, and her child. He seems very interested in her life. So what do you make of this? Doesn't she seem to be the one who has feelings, instead of him? Please be honest, I welcome all views. Thank you so much.
stillafool Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Yes it seems they both want each other. The question is what are you going to do?
aerogurl87 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Obviously they both want each other for some reason. Whether it's sexual or emotional, isn't the point. The point is he's been breaking your trust for awhile now and apparently still is. He cheated, plain and simple. The specifics aren't necessary at this point, you just need to know he cheated and now you have to decide what you're going to do about it. Stay with him and try and work it out or kick his sorry butt to the curb?
young&inlove Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I didn’t have to confront my husband he told me. I was getting suspicious right before they became physical for the first time though. If I would have had as much information as you have, I would have confronted him on it a long long long time ago. You need to think about what is going to make you happy. Is having a husband who you know in the back of your mind is cheating on you, going to make you happy? I sure as hell know it wouldn’t for me. Talk to him about it. If you want to work through it and you know he loves you and wants you in his life, then tell him you want to work it out. If you don’t, then leave his ass. You will get child support and he will get what he deserves of nothing. How do you feel about all of this?
spriggig Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 They aren't "very good" at this, are they? Why do they keep the emails? Isn't helpful when it's all laid out for you in black and white? Anyway, you don't say what your relationship had been like before this discovery. It's not too important (assuming he's not abusive or insane), standard advice works in this case because it's a man cheating--men are much more likely to want to reconcile after exposure than women and that will leave you in the drivers seat. Here's what you do, you expose this affair to everyone all at once--your family, his family, certainly the other woman's husband, and maybe even at work. (Imagine the sinking feeling when it dawns on him exactly what you've done.) The result is usually that he comes crawling back to you and asks for forgiveness--which you can give and try to make the marriage work or you can just kick him to the curb with the rest of the trash. It really helps that you have the emails--be sure to print them out and forward them to yourself just before you expose him. A good place to save them is a new gmail and/or yahoo account made by you especially for that purpose.
spriggig Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Most likely, this IS the OW. No way all of that info could have been gleaned from emails; emails that the WS just so happened to leave open after 2 years. My cheating wife kept all her emails, even the most damning. AND, she kept a detailed, dated, hand-written journal.
Author JD25 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Thank you all for your answers, I don't have a lot of time but will try to answer them all. How do I feel about this? Distraught, in shock, hurt. But I have to be honest, I am having a hard time believing the idea that she doesn't mean anything to him. It is still nice to get others' perspectives, though. And it doesn't seem that the affair was happening while she worked there, because he even saved their very first emails, right after she left the company, and they were only friendly. She was coming on to him I think, and he started to reciprocate. By the way, I am new to forums so I don't understand the controversy about who I am? Anyway, I am this guy's wife, if that's what was asked. I do want to expose this affair because I think it is the only way to make it stop. I still can't believe how stupid he has to be to save all of this evidence, it's almost as if he wanted to get caught, but that doesn't make sense. I think I'm still trying to come to terms with why it matters so much to me if this is about loving feelings or just sex. It's as if a sex only affair wouldn't pose enough of a threat to our marriage, but if that were true, then why does he seem so intent on keeping it going? If she meant nothing to him, he would just drop her. I guess I thought we had a good enough marriage and this was very shocking. I guess I'm just looking for other people's experiences with men over time, since I haven't had enough, I don't think. And I've never really discussed having affairs with anyone, nor have people ever told me about theirs, so this is also new. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure how to recognize patterns in this, if there are any. For example, if he's been chasing her for this long, does it necessarily mean that he sees her as more than available sex? Or is she definitely an infatuation? I know we're not mind readers, so I'm only looking for educated guesses.
stillafool Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Why are you worried if your h has feelings for this woman or not. The point is he's cheating. Whether it is a one night stand or a love affair, what difference does it make to what he has done to your marriage? Why don't you ask him these questions when you expose his affair? Have you exposed the affair?
young&inlove Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I don’t think that exposing the affair in public such as work is a very smart place to do it. I most definitely think he should know that you know. How is it at home with the two of you? Are you still close or is there an "elephant" in the room. Like you know and he doesn’t know he just knows that your upset about something type thing? I would stop everything and just tell him. Give him an ultimatum. Be with me, or be with her. That’s it. When my hubby told me that he had cheated, I was killed since it was with my best friend. I had a million questions. I am not going to lie; I still have not forgiven him. It still hurts too much but we are working through it. It will work out if you both want it to. Take some time to yourself and just think about what you want in life, what he might want, and what things need to be fixed and then confront him.
seren Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 You already know he has/is having an A. You already know it has been ongoing for some time. The big question - what do you want to do about it? What are your boundaries, what is acceptable for you? First off, I would tell H you know, tell H either you or OW. No contact and end of A. If in fact he wants to stay, if you want him to. Then begins the hard times, it takes lots of hard work, lots of tears shed and truth from H. Some marriages can survive affairs, some cannot, some people cannot imagine staying. Thing is you need to work out what is acceptable for you, then act on it. Not easy, very, very tough messy times ahead. But time to take control and get out of your marriage what you want. I so hope you keep posting and keep safe.
Fight4Me Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Well, I gather that JD25 realizes her husband has had an affair, but for some of us BS's, it also matters whether there were expressions of love exchanged. It matters because it helps some of us know what we're up against; not to mention it's often worse for a wife to consider reconciliation if there was a deep emotional element to her husband's affair. Honestly? Going over the chronological emails, I see more of a sexual dance between the two of them. It seems there was some emotion, but unless there's some key information left out, it sounds more like a convenient way for your husband to get his ego (and body parts) stroked. With that said, he is involved in a full-on affair that not only puts your health, family, and financial security at risk, but also blasts apart another marriage in the process. I echo the advice to make copies of all those emails... every last one of them, and keep them safe. Make an extra copy for the confrontation. Obtain phone records or anything else to build your case, and again keep an extra copy in a safe place. Contact a lawyer to learn your rights (no need to file for divorce just yet), but be armed with that info as well. You will need to get in touch with the OW's husband to let him know what you have discovered. Do NOT let your WH know you are going to do this. You should also consider contacting HR to keep this OW from inserting herself in the office. Keep in mind, your WH's career could get blown apart, so perhaps save this move if he refuses to go NC with the OW. It's time to get really tough. Stuff your insecurities for now, and unleash some shock and awe. Oh, and I hate to say this, but you need to get a full STD panel done before you go anywhere near your husband. Insist he does the same. Make sure you're checked every six months as well.
JLB Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Thank you all for your answers, I don't have a lot of time but will try to answer them all. How do I feel about this? Distraught, in shock, hurt. But I have to be honest, I am having a hard time believing the idea that she doesn't mean anything to him. It is still nice to get others' perspectives, though. And it doesn't seem that the affair was happening while she worked there, because he even saved their very first emails, right after she left the company, and they were only friendly. She was coming on to him I think, and he started to reciprocate. By the way, I am new to forums so I don't understand the controversy about who I am? Anyway, I am this guy's wife, if that's what was asked. I do want to expose this affair because I think it is the only way to make it stop. I still can't believe how stupid he has to be to save all of this evidence, it's almost as if he wanted to get caught, but that doesn't make sense. I think I'm still trying to come to terms with why it matters so much to me if this is about loving feelings or just sex. It's as if a sex only affair wouldn't pose enough of a threat to our marriage, but if that were true, then why does he seem so intent on keeping it going? If she meant nothing to him, he would just drop her. I guess I thought we had a good enough marriage and this was very shocking. I guess I'm just looking for other people's experiences with men over time, since I haven't had enough, I don't think. And I've never really discussed having affairs with anyone, nor have people ever told me about theirs, so this is also new. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure how to recognize patterns in this, if there are any. For example, if he's been chasing her for this long, does it necessarily mean that he sees her as more than available sex? Or is she definitely an infatuation? I know we're not mind readers, so I'm only looking for educated guesses. Ok this is coming from someone (me) who is experiencing the same situation right now, as you are. However, my husband has not been carrying this out as long as yours AND he knows that I know about it and has moved out. This is what is going on with your husband and OW....they are having an EMOTIONAL affair, bottomline. The emotional affair, led to the sex. I think, and this is just my opinion, that most affairs begin as emotional... I think if someone had an affair just for sex...the girl would mean nothing to him and he would be begging your forgiveness (ie; Jesse James/Sandra Bullock) but because you can see the pattern of emotion in all these emails..it sounds like he is in deep. Now she may not be, sounds like she has some guilt going on, and that is a good thing. She is thinking about what would happen if this all blows up...she could lose her husband, possibly her child, her family will be on her case, etc. He however..doesn't sound like he is too worried. I don't see any mention of sneaking around the wife. Emotional affairs worry me, because then that leads to some addictive behavior on the person cheating...they may not want to lose you...but can they give up the OW? In my thread, someone posted a site called marriagebuilders.com (click on INFIDELITY) and I tell you, that explained a TON of what is going on in my situation. He wasn't happy financially, he feels like a failure, his self esteem is at an all time low, the OW in my story is making him feel like a stud muffin, making him feel alive, making him feel GOOD about himself. I haven't made a clear decision in my head what I am doing with him. One day I want nothing to do with him, and the other I can't wait to hear from him. So it's not always easy to kick to the curb, even though that is probably the best thing to do. Harder though when you have kids. I feel for you..I really do.... My opinion, you need to sit him down and tell him you know all this. ASAP...then see where it goes from there. good luck.
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