jlovelorn Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I need advice... My ex and I were together 8 months and had a happy relationship up until the day I ended it. Here's the thing: I'm almost 38 and want marriage/kids. He is 34 and isn't sure if he ever wants these things. Some background: In spite of his age, I was his first LTR. He isn't a player...just never dated much (he didn't even lose his virginity until he was 26). I think some of this stems from being adopted and some of the issues of vulnerability and abandonment. He's also a cop, and has admitted that he deals with a lot of domestic violence cases and doesn't view marriage favorably as a result. His opinions on marriage/kids came up a month into dating, but I didn't address them until 3 months of dating. I ended things at that point, stating I couldn't continue seeing someone who felt that way. The next night he came back to me in tears and said that maybe he does want these things but was afraid...and said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I gave him another shot, and things were wonderful, but I was left with this lingering wonder about how he felt about the topic. After eight months, he still hadn't said he loved me so I asked him how he felt about me. He said he "cared," and that was a red flag, even though he was committed for the most part to me. I asked about marriage/kids, and he said he still didn't know if he wanted these things. He said "maybe in a couple of years" but also that he knew that due to my age, he understood that I felt it was risky staying with him, since I only have so many fertile years left. (Please don't bring up women having babies in the mid-40s. My gyn strongly advises against this.) He did feel I was giving him a sort of ultimatum, which I denied, but I guess I was putting a lot of pressure on him. Anyway, I ended things that night, believing it was too risky to stay. He wrote me a letter a month later, telling me how sorry he was about how things worked out and that he couldn't give me the same love in return. He said I was so wonderful and that I deserved everything I desired. I've tried to date since then, but my heart is still with him. I recently called him to congratulate him on buying a house (a large family-style home!), though it was more an excuse to call than a real reason. To my surprise, he admitted he still thinks of me every day. I didn't offer much emotion in return, more out of self-preservation than anything. It was a really nice chat, and I ended the call first. The thing is, I really would like him back. BUT, there's still the issue of marriage/kids, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid I may have jumped the gun too soon, and yet I don't want to waste my time if it's never going to lead to marriage/kids. And yet...I can't help but think he's just never been in a real relationship before and the pressure was too great for him. What should I do????
Author jlovelorn Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 I also should note that he asked me if I was dating anyone. I noted that I have been on a few dates, but "nothing worth writing home about." I didn't ask him about his dating activity, but he said that he hasn't dated at all in the six months since our breakup.
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