cass6487 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and we have lived together for the past year. Over the last few months, we both have gotten really busy at work since we both work in the tourism industry and summer is the busiest time for both of us. We haven't been going out as much, and when we both get home, we are both so tired that we really don't feel like doing much (we have been working 10 hour days). Anyways, last week, we had an arguement that led to him cheating. I went out of town for the weekend to visit my parents and he had a few of his buddies come in town for guys weekend. Since I wanted him to enjoy his time with his friends, I decided that I wouldn't call him, and I would let him call me when they weren't busy (they had a lot of different plans for the weekend- like going boating and tubing, etc). Well, he got really upset that I never called and decided that Sunday night, he would go out instead of being home when I got back. I found out on Wednesday that he apparently went out on Sunday night with his friends, drank too much, and ended up kissing a girl he works with. He said that he is very sorry. He told me that it was a drunken mistake and that she doesn't mean anything to him. He said that he has no interest in dating her whatsoever, and that he loves me and that he wanted to make things to work with me. I decided that while I am very upset that he cheated, I am not going to be doing anything rash (such as break up with him) and I am trying to forgive and rebuild the trust. However, it has been really hard. Since he works with this girl, he sees her on a regular basis and that is really hard for me to deal with. But, even though it has been hard, I have really been trying to not be controlling or constantly checking up on him (even though I know I would be justified to be doubtful). The first few days after I found out, I would try to bring it up and talk about it and I would mention her name, and he gets visibly upset. Though he said he was sorry and is making more of effort, he seems mad at me all the time. When I ask him why he is mad at me, he says that he is not mad at me and he is really mad at himself. He said that he feels horrible about what happened and that he is upset with himself for hurting me. I am really trying to rebuild what we had. He is my best friend and I do still love him, but I am unsure how to proceed. I know that his actions were entirely his fault, but I will admit that I have not been the best girlfriend lately since I am so busy with work and looking back, I feel that I should have been more appreciative towards him. Is he really feeling guilty, which is why he is acting so mad all the time? Does anyone have any tips or advice on things I can do to help the situation and things we can do to try to rebuild the trust and the relationship? I really think that the relationship could become much stronger after this and I would really like to do everything I can to make that happen...
phineas Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 So HE kissed a girl & gets angry with you when you bring it up? My stbxw did that when I found out she had a secret guy friend. She was sleeping with him by the way. But, they were "just friends" & she got angry when I questioned her. How did you find out he kissed her? I hate to say this, but it's very possible more happened than just a kiss. Also, he's been too dead tired to do anything with you for how many weeks but has the energy to party all weekend with the guys?
aerogurl87 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Something's off here. I doubt it was just a kiss as he said. Keep pressing him about the issue and I bet slowly but surely you'll find out more or stuff will start to not add up. I mean who gets mad at their partner for something they did wrong? When I cheated on my ex I was the kindest, sweetest girl I could be after I told him what happened and we tried to work things out.
joedavies1987 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 This may sound a bit anti what every one has advised here, but... if you love him, and believe he wont cheat again, or feel the stregnth to give him the benefit of the doubt (does he look sorry enough?) ... Then just FORGET IT. Don't bring it up, don't press him for details. Just accept something has happened, and carry on. Life is too short, everyone makes mistakes. If you press him and bring it up all the time and are not willing to show your 100% forgiveness then you will both be having a real hard time.
kalikula Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 ^ I disagree, I would go to relationship counseling or something similar.. Are you totally sure it was just a kiss? Personally I would need to talk it out and work on your issues, I would not be able to immediately "just forget it" and carry on and never mention it again. That is the sort of thing that would lead me to secretly resent my partner and hold it against him. Obviously if you work it all out you will let it go and not talk about it, but if you're not at that point yet then you shouldn't just stop talking about it so HE feels less guilty. He's the one who ****ed up and should be willing to talk about it and not get angry at you...
samsungxoxo Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 If that's all he did then it can be worked out. He's probably feeling too guilty about it that it makes him mad knowing he did this to you. Did he actually answer your questions when confronting him? If the answer is yes and he reassure you of not repeating this (only you know him) you might want to give it a try and believe that only kissing took place. Alcohol sucks sometimes....
norajane Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I'd surprise him and pick him up at the office at the end of the workday. Who knows, you might be able to meet this girl and assess for yourself. Or ask her straight out what might have happened between them. I'd be tempted to do a very sweet and innocent, "Oh, I'm so sorry my bf kissed you in order to get back at me for not calling all weekend! He really should learn to be more direct, instead of so passive-aggressive. It wasn't fair for him to use you like that! I hope you understand that will never happen again if I have anything to do with it." And then smile sweetly. Ah, but, I'm sure you won't do that... BF needs to be pleading with you to forgive him, not getting angry when you bring up your feelings about his cheating. And stop blaming yourself for his cheating. Even if you have been busy, it IS your busy season, and he, of all people, ought to understand that. Regardless, cheating is a choice, and he chose to kiss her knowing how that would hurt you. If he was unhappy, cheating was not his only choice - he could have, you know, talked to you about it and tried scheduling more date nights together or whatever.
make me believe Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Wow! So your boyfriend cheated on you and somehow you are convinced that it's your fault?? And he gets mad when you try to bring it up and discuss it? I HIGHLY doubt it was just a kiss. Especially because it was with his co-worker. He has probably been flirting with her for months. It didn't "just happen" because he was drunk and she happened to be available and willing. I would bet almost anything that this has been in the works for a long time, and he finally had his opportunity to do it AND to place the blame on you for being a "bad" girlfriend. How convenient! I've never heard of a situation where one person cheated on the other and the relationship suddenly became strong & wonderful afterwards..... especially when the person who was cheated on is the only one making any effort! I think your boyfriend has checked out of this relationship. If he was invested in it he would have tried to fix whatever problems you had, instead of cheating on you with his co-worker. And he would be GROVELING for your forgiveness right now instead of watching you beg him to give the relationship another chance. Seems like he has all the power in this relationship.
TLCbear Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Whatever you do, do not make yourself feel guilty for what he has done. You already stated that BOTH of you were busy with work and therefore other things lacked in the process. Since this is a co-worker of his, I seriously doubt it was something that just happened, as one poster stated, he could have been flirting with her for months and then his "perfect opportunity" came along...that you didn't call him that weekend...a good justification for him. Eventhough, I believe he did more than just kiss this girl, I do not agree with you pressing him for more information, for the simple fact, he's never going to confess to it. You will never know the whole truth...unless one of his guy friends slips up...other than that, he WILL NOT TELL YOU...all this is going to do is put a serious strain on the relationship. I say if you love him and really want the relationship to work, leave it alone.
Rifareal Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Honestly i think you have one of the best boyfriends on earth. That i really meant, as what you told how things happened he can easily hide things but instead he said sorry and now making more effort. If i were you just trust him i think he is damn serious with you. Goodluck and take care of each other for most of the relationship aren't like yours.
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