lovemoron Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Hello! I'm seeking advice/insight into a recent experience I'm having difficulty letting go of... I'll try to keep this to the facts and short to spare everyone a big read. I met a girl about 2 years ago (we're both in our 30s) and felt an instant attraction to her, like the kind of thing you hear about but never exerience. I was with someone at the time, so I did not contact her until after I was single again, despite an invitation. I eventually contacted her, we sent a bunch of low key texts back and forth, nothing much, then I ran into her face to face, and the same feelings came out again... We confirmed our attraction to eachother via text, but she was reluctant to go further - later she explained that she is/was with a guy - long term live in situation. She explained how she wanted to get out of that relationship, but didn't know what to do, didn't want to disrupt the lives of her child or anyone etc... I backed off at that point, not wanting to be involved as the other guy (as I was once on the other side of the fence) but she was able to convince me to listen to her story... I confessed my crush on her, and how I felt about her, and she reportedly felt the same toward me... on her request, I quickly started to try to figure out her situation and advise her what to do to get out of the relationship that she felt trapped in... We became very close very fast - but our meetings were always secret and brief. I put everything on hold in my life for her, and focussed completely on her during this time (approx 2 months). She would literally text me or call me 50 x a day proclaiming her affection for me and how happy she was that I came into her life etc. But every now and again she would flip into a different personality where she would claim that I was being too pushy and aggressive for her... then suddenly she would go back to being needy and wanting me to help... this happend a few times. In fairness, I was aggressive with her - I did tell her that I would be happy to help her in anyway she needed including moving in together so she could have time to make her plan etc. I did, however, insist that we take the physical side of things slowly, as I've been too quick in the past and I can see how that messes things up...especially considering the dynamic of this situation. Finally, one day she planned to stay with me all day and overnight (about a month ago)... the day did not go well, she was very moody and difficult to be around.. I tried deflect her negativity, but found myself in a ****ty "tug-o-war" with her. That evening, she declared that she wasn't ready for what was happening and proceeded to effectively, at first slowly, cut off communication.... We no longer speak at all, despite my attempts, and I suspect she has decided to stay in the relationship that she "wanted out of." She doesn't explain completely, just that she isn't ready and that I pushed too hard. The part I struggle with is that she forewarned me that I would need to be patient with her while she deals with things, I'm not sure if this is that time or If I'd be waiting for nothing. I am totally into this girl, it's actually kinda crazy.. would love to be with her etc. Any thoughts? thanks
moxo Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 My first thought was "She's realised she still loves her partner and wants to stay with him", then I thought "More than likely, she's gotten cold feet." Most people find it hard to leave something comfortable for something brand new and uncertain. If she was in a bad or dangerous relationship, she might've left, but if it's just a mundane relationship, shes is probably content to stay there. I was in a similar relationship quite a few years ago, and I started flirting with a guy friend of mine. We would talk about how I was going to leave my boring relationship and he was going to take me interstate and it was going to be awesome etc. When push came to shove, I realised I didn't want to leave my boyf, I was too comfortable, and so I just cut off contact with the other guy. I have never spoken to him again. In my opinion, don't wait because it could take a long time IF she ever leaves him, and in that time you might miss out on an even greater girl - minus the baggage and moods!!! If she does decide to come back, you can address it then, but it can't hurt to just be out there enjoying your life in the meantime :-)
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