sumgal73 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) it's been over 5yrs now that I am the OW... I keep trying to end it, but he keeps drawing me back in and like a fool I can’t say no, no matter how much I try... I don’t know what is keeping me with him, I have taken off the rose color glasses and know if he hasn’t left her by now chances are he never will, I no longer believe him when he says he will... with all the other men I have dated I was able to walk away and not turn back. When my marriage was over, even tho I was sad I was able to walk away.... is the exquisite pain this man gives me that keeps me here with him? Why do I love him so much? Why won’t he let me go.... why does he keep coming back? Why do I allow him? The anxiety... oh the dreadful anxiety today! I don’t see him with her, once in the past 5 yrs have I bumped into them, she didn’t know who I was at the time. I was right beside her and she had no clue that is no longer the case. Shortly after that run in she found out about me, about us. He has her convinced that it’s over... it’s never over between he and I. Sometime I run into her at stores, when she sees me she literally runs away... I don’t know what she is scared of... I think she is running from her instinct that she knows he is still with me... I never say her name.. I don’t allow her to be a person. The support I need today.... last night I had a going away party for one of my friends that is moving out of state... we had a great night, lots of laughs shared among friends not to mention the amount of drinks we consumed and the lack of sleep. She spent the night and when we woke up, still with foggy minds we decided that food was now our priority... we quickly chose a restaurant to have brunch at and got into the car. When we arrive, I immediately spotted his truck, isn’t amazing that I can see from a distance. My heart began to race... was he in there having Sunday morning brunch with her? Did he forget that it was only a few days ago that he was here and I was telling him that I can’t take this any more and he was once again professing his love me, assuring me that things will change... I started to mentally freak out... I couldn’t not go in there and take the chance of seeing him with her, I could not risk a public seen... at that moment I hated him more then I have ever hated anyone... he is altering my life. How dare he!! I was hungry, my mind still in a fog from the night, my appearance was not at my best... we had to leave and leave fast. I am sure it was her sitting by window in the restaurant... my friend didn’t understand, she wanted us to go in and play with the situation, make him squirm... I realized that moment that I am not 100% ready to let him go... I have always said that when I am done, when I no longer want to forgive him I will let het know.... as I know if I tell her he will be done with me. We left. Under my sunglasses I cried, my heart ache, I never allow myself to think of his life with her... oh that familiar pain swept over me. I’m home alone... I hate crying... I only allow so many tears to escape. I am allowing this pain in my life... I know better Would you have gone in? Have u ever been in this situation? Where u left to avoid them? [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Edited July 18, 2010 by sumgal73
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Yes, you avoid. Why go when you know he's there and with her? Unless you enjoy the pain and want drama, that rollercoaster ride.. You did the right thing by not going in. Little side note .. Don't EVER let any of your friends push you into going somewhere he is when you don't want to go, even to make him squirm. He can separate all this, it's how he's able to continue his life, go on like all is normal and he's not cheating/betraying his wife. Unfortunately you cannot separate and ignore your feelings, so good on you that you left. Someone said once, no contact = no new hurts. Look, you KNOW this guy isn't ever leaving his wife. You are the OW, it's just an affair.. In your heart you love how he makes you feel but the reality is, it isn't going anywhere, stolen moments that make you feel special/good then you feel awful when he leaves, goes back to his life at home. IS your pain and heartache worth all this? What is your breaking point? What is your enough is enough phase? I hope soon because this guy WILL continue to use you this way if you allow it. He LOVES having two women meet all his needs.. To be in control, call you and you go to him, on his time frame. Take control and take responsibility for your part in this. Get help, talk to a therapist, get strong so you CAN end it and stay in NC mode, let yourself heal, and get over him. Staying is pointless and will just keep you in the affair, keep the drama and the rollercoaster ride going.
carhill Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Escaping the abyss is an amazing feeling. It's almost like a new lease on life. You find yourself smiling at the most incidental of things. Psychological therapy helped me escape abyss of such unhealthy relationships. Don't know if it will help you. There's still a lot of life ahead. Make the most of it. Best wishes
scatterd Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I am wondering if you are sure the wife knows or did he tell you that?
cavedweller Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 sumgal, The honeymoon is over..It is now time for you to get rid of him and move on with your life..(Dump him and never look back)
Author sumgal73 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Thank you all for responding. I had no idea they where going to be there... I am still not 100% sure she was with him. They do not go out together very often. But it doesn't matter I didn't not want to go in and find out. I don't want any public scenes; I wanted no part of that. A few years ago she did find out about me and him... one day she saw my car, at this point she didn't know what I looked liked... anyhow she followed me to the pharmacy waited til i got out of my car to see me and then followed me in. She stopped me and said "we need to talk" - I looked at her confused cause I didn't recognize her... she changed her hair. So I said not in here... then we went outside and she had a tantrum in the parking lot. I understand why, but she should have been yelling at him. After that he laid low for a week of so but came back as he always does proclaiming he loves me. I am not going to play stupid, I know this relationship is going no where… I get it. I spend lots of time convincing myself “no more, I don’t want this” – but when I try to end it with him he has way (manipulation) of trying of getting to me. The more I push him away, the more I get mad, the more he seems to want me. I hate this! I know that the sooner I get out that I will start to heal the better it will be for me. I have been through a divorce, my ex had and affair with my best friend… I walked away, I know that time things get better. The first year with my MM I didn’t know about her… they are not married; live together, no kids together. He has kids with his first wife, she has kids from a previous relationship. This doesn’t justify anything, and I am not trying to. When I found out about her, I was crushed… omg I love this man. I did end it, but it was short lived, after a few months he was telling me that he loves me… with her its about financial. That was the only time have we ever talked about her. Imagine, every time we are together there is a pink elephant in the room that we don’t talk about… I feel I am at my breaking point… trust me this is not the relationship I want. In every other aspect of my life I am a strong independent woman, a quality he says he loves about me… ($%#) when I am strong and I tell I can’t do this any more he comes on so strong… I am sorry I am so frustrated. L How can I love someone who hurts me so much?
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