Does Backing off After Coming on Strong Work?

[Mike B.]

Everything isn't always as it seems. People reveal themselves through their actions and over time. The hard part with romance is that our emotions and libidos distort our perceptions. Finding clarity in that milieu can sometimes be daunting.

 

*If* you think you came on too strong, own that. Use that information in the future when you find yourself attracted to another lady. Tip: If you find yourself drifting too far from your natural style, you risk coming across as insincere and possibly a 'shady' character yourself. Better to stay within your comfort zone of what comes naturally to you and meet and greet and pursue ladies whom accept and appreciate that style, IMO.

 

 

I completely agree with you, carhill. You have to go with your natural style. You can always improve on your natural style but you can't abandon it. It just comes off as phoney. There are many guys out there that tell you to read a book by such and such person to turn yourself into someone else to get dates which will only make you look suspicious in the real world and backfire. Just knowing how to handle certain situations is good enough. You have to stay in your comfort zone. There are ladies that will be flattered by the OP move and some that will not be, obviously, but you have to play the game to win. Just move on to the next potential.

[sugarmomma]

IOW she hit on you simply because she has nothing better to do but she thinks with her p*ssy.

 

And, she gave you an hour and a half "window of opportunity" to try to have sex with her, if you could. But that was the only chance she was ever going to give you.

 

 

Wow. I didn't get that at all from her friendliness.

 

Most women who just want to screw would have been way more forward (i.e. asking him to her place etc). I hope you're just being sarcastic virgin.

[Mike B.]

Wow. I didn't get that at all from her friendliness.

 

Most women who just want to screw would have been way more forward (i.e. asking him to her place etc). I hope you're just being sarcastic virgin.

 

I agree but something tells me that since he put so much effort into his post, he is not kidding. I just didn't get that in the OP.

[sugarmomma]

I agree but something tells me that since he put so much effort into his post, he is not kidding. I just didn't get that in the OP.

 

lol. he is really taking LS too seriously.

[CLC2008]

I appreciate all of the responses. I will just backoff and leave it alone. I really feel like I screwed up somewhere and likely it was coming on too strong. I thought if I didn't clearly show interest, she would lose interest. Maybe a twinkle in her eye was just a twinkle in her eye but man it felt like something much more. Even some of my male coworkers just knew she was into me. I haven't felt that level of what I thought was good chemistry reacting in a long time. I just knew it would turn into something.

 

I will move on but I am still curious if backing off has worked on or for anyone in the past. Although I won't come on to her or ask her out anymore, there is still a slight glimmer of hope that she will give it a chance if I just backoff and give her a lot of space.

 

I don't get it. You've asked her out numerous times, and she has yet to commit to another date. Why would you believe that backing off from someone, at that point, would make them change their mind? This is where things get messy.

 

You've asked her out, she hasn't made any effort to go out, yet alone say yes, so why are you still hanging around?

[Sabali]

I don't get it. You've asked her out numerous times, and she has yet to commit to another date. Why would you believe that backing off from someone, at that point, would make them change their mind? This is where things get messy.

 

You've asked her out, she hasn't made any effort to go out, yet alone say yes, so why are you still hanging around?

 

 

Things won't get messy if I don't make any more advances towards her, call her or ask her out anymore which I said I won't do. I won't pursue it. There is no hanging around here. Well, we will see each other at work but otherwise their won't be. I was thinking just in the case that I did overwhelm her which may not be the case but just in case I did. Maybe she did never have any interest.

 

For sake of clarity,I will say again that I absolutely will not make make any more attempts. I won't pursue anyone who is not interested in me. I am not much of the persistent type when it comes to women who turn me down. I don't like looking like a fool. Sometimes in restrospect I wish I had done things a different way. Hindsight is 20/20. Right?

 

I respect a person decision not to date for whatever reason it may be so no more notes. No more calls. No more nothing. I will just keep it light and cordial. If her interest level never raises, fine. I won't jump out the window. Won't be the first time I asked someone out I liked and it didn't happen.

 

My hypothetical scenario was only in regards that if the reason was that I came on too strong. The other part of my question was strictly for curious purposes which is- has backing off ever really worked for anyone that didn't get the initial response they wanted from a person of interest? I wanted to hear people's experience with backing off but didn't want to start a whole new thread just to hear it.

Edited July 19, 2010 by Sabali

[Left in a Lurch]

Looking back I can honestly say the women who were generally interested never really cancelled on me. One girl said she was sick and came over for a date and fell asleep on my couch after about 20 minutes, but she still came over.

I remember another one made plans with a friend she said she forgot about, and still came over about 2 in the morning despite having to be at work in the morning.

When women are interested it takes a lot to stop them and "not feeling well" is usually an "I don't feel well but I'll still go, I just don't want to ruin your time" kind of thing.

[Sabali]

Well, check this out:

 

 

 

I got to work today and Plain Jane walks up to me informing me of how many tasks she has already completed for me for the day. I looked at her, smiled, genuinely said thank you and wished her a nice day. She did the same and then I turned around and walked away into the sun-beamed horizon.

 

 

I went to another wing of the building later in the day and once I returned, I saw that she left me a note on my desk. She apologized again for this past weekend and said she felt bad about the last minute notice and said that she was really sorry. She said she hoped I had a nice weekend and would still like to get together sometime if I am still willing.

 

 

I am not sure what to think of this. My initial thought is that I am being baited in so I can have the rug pulled from under me again (one of those Hoover mindf**ks that sweeping the nation and alluded to earlier by Carhill). My other consideration is that she just feel guilty, knows we work together and may feel awkward around me and just want to give me something to chew on until she fully clamp me into the dreaded friend zone.

Edited July 19, 2010 by Sabali

[carhill]

My most recent experience with a Hoover lasted two years, give or take. You have no emotional attachment here. Probably better to cut your losses before you get in too deep.

 

She said she hoped I had a nice weekend and would still like to get together sometime if I am still willing.

 

'Oh, sure. Love to. Tomorrow night at xxx (restaurant). I'll pick you up at xxx'

 

If she goes for that, but later waffles, or if she comes up with 'excuses', merely say 'I can see we should keep our relationship professional. I hope you understand', then turn away without waiting for a response and go back to work. Delivery devoid of emotion.

 

I practiced this (Hoover handling) today with stbx in family court. Love taking the Hoovers out for a stroll

[hopesndreams]

Well, check this out:

 

 

 

I got to work today and Plain Jane walks up to me informing me of how many tasks she has already completed for me for the day. I looked at her, smiled, genuinely said thank you and wished her a nice day. She did the same and then I turned around and walked away into the sun-beamed horizon.

 

 

I went to another wing of the building later in the day and once I returned, I saw that she left me a note on my desk. She apologized again for this past weekend and said she felt bad about the last minute notice and said that she was really sorry. She said she hoped I had a nice weekend and would still like to get together sometime if I am still willing.

 

 

I am not sure what to think of this. My initial thought is that I am being baited in so I can have the rug pulled from under me again (one of those Hoover mindf**ks that sweeping the nation and alluded to earlier by Carhill). My other consideration is that she just feel guilty, knows we work together and may feel awkward around me and just want to give me something to chew on until she fully clamp me into the dreaded friend zone.

 

She gave you an opening. Ask her out one more time. For old time's sake.

[Sabali]

She gave you an opening. Ask her out one more time. For old time's sake.

 

She apologized once more and we set up a date for later this week. For old time's sake.

 

I can feel that mental orgasm already.

[Sabali]

By the way, if she doesn't flake, I wonder if I will answer my own question.

[carhill]

Beware of the bob and weave sympathy move. This is generally preceded by the minor stroke to the male ego move.

 

The version I generally hear is "you're a real expert at this. bla bla bla.... I feel so stupid... bla, bla, bla....then it comes. Button pushing at its finest.

 

Anyway, have a good time on your date. Lick her tonsils for me

[Sabali]

Beware of the bob and weave sympathy move. This is generally preceded by the minor stroke to the male ego move.

 

The version I generally hear is "you're a real expert at this. bla bla bla.... I feel so stupid... bla, bla, bla....then it comes. Button pushing at its finest.

 

Anyway, have a good time on your date. Lick her tonsils for me

 

 

So true! I hate to be Negative Nelson on this one but it is rare that you can pull out from low interest level now that I reflect on it. The only thing that provides a minuscule of hope here is that in one of my more recent long term relationship, our second date was almost a disaster. We were taking verbal jabs at each other and every thing and almost got into a full blown argument. It was the worst. We were together for about a year. We have been broken up for over a year and some months and I haven't spoken to her in almost as long. She just sent me a text today saying that she can't get me out of her system. And this past weekend she was calling my phone and hanging up on me. So my coworker can potentially at least turn into a psycho that can't get over me. Right?

[carhill]

So my coworker can potentially at least turn into a psycho that can't get over me. Right?

 

Yup. I believe CaliGuy has some expertise in this area. Check out some of his old threads... though not precisely your circumstance, this one explains the phenomena pretty well...

[Sabali]

Yup. I believe CaliGuy has some expertise in this area. Check out some of his old threads... though not precisely your circumstance, this one explains the phenomena pretty well...

 

 

Yup, sounds like my psycho ex, alright. Carhill, your're just a walking fat nugget of experience and insight, aren't you?

[carhill]

If one accepts reality and learns from it, some wisdom results. For myself, it came relatively late in life. Every dog has his day, I guess.

 

One important aspect my marriage taught me is to beware of the woman who 'thinks' relationships, like they're an interesting puzzle to play with. That d@mn near killed me. I've dated a bit (very little) in the past six months and see the signs a lot more clearly now. Whoa, can't exit that path quickly enough. Usually my disclosure of loving the feelings of being married and wanting to get married again someday sends them scattering, so it hasn't been too difficult, so far. No psychos, knock on wood. Once the married women settle down and leave me alone (I must be sending out bad signals), I think it will all work out.

 

Hope you have an interesting week

[Sabali]

What makes you want to throw yourself back into the fire if you don't mind me asking? I am in my early 30s and see myself doing the George Clooney route without the history of marriage. The stories just scares me.

[carhill]

My parents were married for life and I watched how my mother cared for my father as he died a slow death from cancer. I had a great example of what a marriage could be and can be. I hope, if stbx can stomach a fourth marriage, she'll find that too. Her family dynamic is/was far different. This is another key aspect I learned; the importance of compatibility of family background. I think of such lessons as different grits of wet-stone honing the edge of one's people-picker. Eventually, hopefully, one reaches the perfect edge, or at least one which cuts in a satisfying way.

[Sabali]

That' s great. We definitely need more great examples like that these days but I see it slipping away, unfortunately. I know I would make a great husband and father but what I see around me makes me want to dodge the whole experience. Too many people are talking about their first, second, and third wife and husband.

[Left in a Lurch]

Well, if she flakes on this one despite any doubt you will still have based on being human and interested in her, you'll know it's a waste of time.

The benefit of the doubt is a one time benefit.

[Sabali]

I don't know, Hero, the more I think about it, this may be the sympathy bob and weave that is sweeping the nation and what carhill alluded to earlier. When I spoke to her, it was light convo for about 3 or 4 minutes before she went into another apology. I told her to don't mention it.

 

I then told her about this place I was planning on going to tomorrow and asked her if she wanted to join me. She started saying that this week is really bad for her because of some work she had to do. I told her the rest of my week was bad as well which it is and I was trying to keep my Saturday open for other plans but I sat there for a moment and thought that I would rather see her flake sooner rather than later if this was to be the case. So I asked her about Saturday and she agreed but I was not thinking that she said this week was bad for her in the first place so I may have set myself up. Well she agreed anyway so it is all the same.

 

 

Now I am wonder how should I handle this second date if it does happen. My gut is telling me she ain't nearly where I want her to be yet but I just need to get her there. She may have felt bad because she actually did like me in non-romantic way and feel bad that she played me with the cancellation and I took it so well and stayed out of her way afterwards. She just may feel guilt and sympathy. The ol pity date.

 

 

I want to go for the kiss to avoid being eternally introduced and trapped in the friend zone. Besides, I wanted to kiss her after that coffee shop rendezvous. On the other hand, if she thought I was coming on too strong initially and was overwhelmed and I try to kiss her, this will put me back into the same position I was in just a moment ago. I can't judge by how she act on a date because we had a great time on our first outting but she flaked on me later.

 

I guess I have time to think about it. I believe I can get her though. I can be pretty crafty occasionally. I just have to think.

Edited July 20, 2010 by Sabali

[carhill]

Being married cured me of wishing, wondering, hoping and agonizing. Now, when I go on dates, if I'm not enjoying myself and feel in the moment with the lady I'm with, I accept that and move on. I don't think 'wow she's hot' or 'I wonder if she likes me'. I don't care about that stuff anymore. I don't hate women but I've definitely torn down the pedestals I used to put them on.

 

Here's something to think about.... if she's (or any woman) is *the woman* for you, there will be no such thing as 'coming on too strong'. It will be a mutual progression of thought and feeling that is overwhelmingly 'right'. You'll wonder why you wasted all this time on 'figuring it out'. It will just be. Best wishes for that

[Sabali]

I agree, carhill. True stuff here.

 

I won't force anything. I will go out with her this weekend, if she doesn't flake and just go with the flow.

[CaliGuy]

Yup. I believe CaliGuy has some expertise in this area. Check out some of his old threads... though not precisely your circumstance, this one explains the phenomena pretty well...

 

Oh man I remember that post. She took the hint, finally. I think that was after I had to block her on our company IM.

 

She did come to my desk the first week I got back to work from my accident. I think I answered "thank you" and "thanks" to her statements. Since then she knows I am not interested in a friendship and I don't owe her anything.

 

No more "drive bys" by my desk.

No more bothering me via email or IM.

 

Life is good