Does Backing off After Coming on Strong Work?

[Sabali]

I met this woman about two months ago when I first started to work at this new job. She works in the same area as I do. We are both in our early 30s. She was very friendly to me, was very helpful, made many phone calls for me and was a great resource to me at work in the beginning by showing my how to do a lot of tasks. She was not doing this for our other coworkers. I told her that I really appreciated her help but it was not her job to spend so much time helping me and she said that is was no problem and she enjoyed doing some of the work. At first, I thought she was either crazy or just really digging me.

 

Whenever I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, she would walk in and sit across from me at my table. A couple of times she complimented me on how nice I dress. While she never actually flirted with me, she would always take time to speak to me in the halls, asking me about how I found out about this job, other places I worked, and basically how I was getting along. The topics were always on the light side. I assumed she was single since she never actually mentioned a significant other.

 

I finally asked her out for some coffee after work last week and she enthusiastically agreed. We talked for about an hour and a half and had a great time. We seem to have a lot in common. I found out that she doesn’t have any kids and broke off an engagement almost two years ago with someone she was with for 6 years. She didn’t mention any other guys. I was making her laugh and smile a lot and she even lightly tapped my shoulder once while she was laughing. She asked me more about myself. We both love coffee but she didn’t order any.

 

I walked her to her car afterwards and we seem to have simultaneously given each other a hug. We both live in the same neighborhood which is not far from our job. On the drive back home, she texted me and told me it was nice talking with me, she told me that although she went along with me to the place we chose, she actually prefers the coffee at this other shop. She told me that she hope I rest well that night. Instead of texting her, since I was driving I called but got her voicemail and told her that it was nice hanging out with her too and that we should go and try her coffee place. She never gave a response.

 

We saw each other at work the next couple of days and everything seemed ok. I called her in the evening two days after we went out for coffee but she didn’t pick up so I decided to call again later. We exchanged numbers when I first started for work reasons.

 

She was off the next day so I called her during and left a voicemail formally asking her out on date for the upcoming Saturday. I didn’t hear back from her until I saw her at work the next day. I left her a enveloped message on her date telling her how much I enjoyed being out with her that she received when she got back to work. She said she got my message and meant to call me back but was busy running errands and by the time she was finished, it was late. She still didn’t answer my proposal after a few minutes so I told her about the music festival in the park going on in our town Saturday and asked her would she be interested in going with me. She said yes and that she likes listening to live bands. This music festival is supposed to be going on around the city in various parks and places throughout the summer.

 

The next couple of days I noticed that her conversations were shorter with me when we ran into each other but I figured she was just probably trying to be low key. She was still always asking if I needed any help with my work since I am basically doing the job of two people. We both were not working around each other as much for most of the week due to circumstances. Two days before we were due to go out on our date, instead of formally confirming our date, I sent her an email telling her that I looked forward to Saturday. She didn’t reply. I left her a note at her desk in a sealed envelope just thanking her for always helping me out at work. Friday, the day before our scheduled date, I went to my desk for some things and found that she left me a message in an envelope saying that she hope I was having a good work week and that my supervisor told her that I was doing a great job and that she will talk to me “later!” I began to wonder why she didn’t reference or confirm our date for the following day but tried to convince myself that it didn’t mean a thing.

 

Well, I almost felt as if she was going to cancel on me because I could just tell things were different between us. Well, on Saturday about 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, she called me and said “I ran by work earlier this morning to just grab some things but I am not feeling well. I just got woke up. Do you think that we can go another time? I’m sorry.”

 

I told her “no problem. Don’t be concerned about it.” She asked “are you sure?” I said “yeah, I hope you feel better and I will talk to you later.” She said thanks and we both hung up.

 

I was disappointed but not too disappointed because I was sort of expecting her to cancel due to her behavior. She was just not quite as enthusiastic around me as in the past. I decided to still go to the music festival with one of my buddies. He isn’t nearly as cute as she is but he is fun to hang with.

 

After I left the festival, I stopped by our neighborhood grocery store and I bumped into her. I didn’t know she liked watermelon.

 

She seemed to be in a good mood and we spoke lightly for just a couple of minutes. She said she was feeling a little better and then seem to look down at the ground and started to say “I’m sorry-“ but I cut her off and said “don’t think about it.” We spoke for another minute and then went on about our grocery business.

 

Well, I figured that although, I know workplace romances is usually not a great idea, I feel that this woman and I really had a connection developing. My longest and most fulfilling relationship began as a workplace romance so I won’t discount future possibilities if they came along.

 

She has a nice plain Jane appeal to her and just seem to have a great personality. Everyone likes her at work and she is just pleasant to be around.

 

I just think that I was coming on too strong and it scared her off. She was probably thinking it was too much to fast, especially for work. The notes, the messages, and asking for a date too soon probably overwhelmed her. So now, I am wondering if I just backoff, would I still have a chance with her. If I just don’t ask her out again and stop calling and stuff, I am wondering if there is a good chance if her interest level will rise again.

 

 

 

So just not only in my case but in general also, does backing off after coming on strong help?

[hopesndreams]

If she was interested in you, she would have found the time to stay in contact. Instead, she chose the ignore route and then came up with a bogus excuse for ignoring you.

 

You may have come on too strong. Once someone ignores you once, move on. Don't put yourself out there for getting ignored over and over.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just think that I was coming on too strong and it scared her off. She was probably thinking it was too much to fast, especially for work. The notes, the messages, and asking for a date too soon probably overwhelmed her. So now, I am wondering if I just backoff, would I still have a chance with her. If I just don’t ask her out again and stop calling and stuff, I am wondering if there is a good chance if her interest level will rise again.

So just not only in my case but in general also, does backing off after coming on strong help?

 

I would give up on this one completely. I don't think you came on too strong... I would guess that she found another guy she is more interested in.

[norajane]

It might help. It certainly is a better idea than continuing to bombard her with notes and stuff. Worth a try.

 

Give it some time and see what happens.

[hopesndreams]

I would give up on this one completely. I don't think you came on too strong... I would guess that she found another guy she is more interested in.

 

That isn't necessarily the case. She could have just been overwhelmed with all the attention.

[carhill]

To me, it sounds like you courted her quite nicely. Either she's not interested or your courting style doesn't match up with what she finds *attractive*, even if she is interested. Either will cause her reciprocation desire to be low and she will more readily entertain the courting styles of more compatible males. Good luck and on to the next potential

[Untouchable_Fire]

That isn't necessarily the case. She could have just been overwhelmed with all the attention.

 

That didn't seem like too much attention. They work together and it adds to about 1-2 contacts a day. If that's too much she is a weirdo.

 

I would assume that she just has more interest in another guy.

[hopesndreams]

You know what assume means right?

 

"makes an a** of me"

[Untouchable_Fire]

You know what assume means right?

"makes an a** of me"

 

lol... so I'm an a** for believing the sun will rise tomorrow?

 

Very little in life is known for fact.

 

I think in this case it would be fair to guess that she isn't more interested in another guy at the moment. That is usually how these things work.

[hopesndreams]

OP has admitted he came on too strong. Re-read.

[northstar1]

Who knows. Maybe she had fun and was interested, but is reluctant to date someone at work, so she's pulled back. Or she isn't looking to actually date. Either way, you've put out the interest her way. Back off, be cordial at work and dont mention any plans again.

 

If she asks you to go out again, then by all means, but don't waste anymore time on this one.

[carhill]

I personally don't think he 'came on too strong', rather responded to clear interest on her part. Having experienced this many times over the decades, I've come to conclude that *some* women do this for situational validation, similar to how married women play with other men to validate their egos. It was a fun little aside to get this guy interested and see how far she could take it, then leave him dangling. How wonderful.

 

OP, you have the right idea; just pick a different kind of woman. Good luck

[hopesndreams]

I don't believe she kept him dangling. She made it pretty clear how she felt when she didn't return his calls or let him know she got his little notes.

[carhill]

Do you really want me to go into the OP and put all the quotes together? It's such an obvious mind-f*ck that a drunk cocker spaniel could see it

[hopesndreams]

I just don't see the mind f*ck.

 

I ain't drunk.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Do you really want me to go into the OP and put all the quotes together? It's such an obvious mind-f*ck that a drunk cocker spaniel could see it

 

I agree. If they didn't work together I would recommend he call her out on it.

 

It's such a rapid change of heart that either it was never genuine or something changed. I don't think he came on too strong.

[carhill]

I just don't see the mind f*ck.

LOL, you weren't f*cked by a professional for ten years in a marriage. Such things change a man.

[CLC2008]

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, it's pretty clear that you've made several attemps to spend time together and she's avoided doing so. If you came on too strong, in her view, who knows. You put yourself out there.

 

She was off the next day so I called her during and left a voicemail formally asking her out on date for the upcoming Saturday. I didn’t hear back from her until I saw her at work the next day.

 

She still didn’t answer my proposal after a few minutes so I told her about the music festival in the park going on in our town Saturday and asked her would she be interested in going with me.

 

Two days before we were due to go out on our date, instead of formally confirming our date, I sent her an email telling her that I looked forward to Saturday. She didn’t reply.

 

Well, on Saturday about 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, she called me and said “I ran by work earlier this morning to just grab some things but I am not feeling well. I just got woke up. Do you think that we can go another time? I’m sorry.”

 

I told her “no problem. Don’t be concerned about it.” She asked “are you sure?” I said “yeah, I hope you feel better and I will talk to you later.” She said thanks and we both hung up.

[Mike B.]

I recall dating a woman who canceled on me at the last minute through a text message. I didn't contact her anymore. A couple of my family members knew her through a marriage and told me that they believed her reason was legit. I said that I didn't care because she should have been a little more considerate than to text me at the last second to tell me.

 

After much coercing from my family, I decided to give the woman another chance after she continued to send me text messages every now and then. Almost begging for another chance. We set up another date, it went well and made plans for another. Well, at the last minute, she texted me again and canceled that date. I said that was it and deleted her phone number from my phone. Of course she continued to text begging for another chance after a couple of months of not hearing from her. She told me "it was a bad time for me."

 

 

I just figured she was probably more interested in someone else and each time she contacted me, there was probably trouble in paradise with her other guy or maybe she is just playing around and can't make up her mind. Either way, I don't think cancellation at the last minute is ever a good sign. OP, she could have been sick but I doubt it because she was giving warning signs before she got sick. Whatever the reason is, backoff and just be professional from now on.

 

 

I will never know why women cancel dates at the last minute though. I would love to hear from the ladies on this one. I think men tend to avoid making a date with someone they are not interested in the first place while women accept them and maybe plan to go but make a definite decision about it at the last minute. Any thoughts?

[carhill]

Any thoughts?

I leave the last minute part for the ladies, but, in totality, yeah, it's just another Hoover mind-f*ck. The key is there are plenty of guys out there for this type of woman. She won't be lonely, I guarantee it. Smile and move on to healthier, more compatible potentials. She'll be fine

[Sabali]

I appreciate all of the responses. I will just backoff and leave it alone. I really feel like I screwed up somewhere and likely it was coming on too strong. I thought if I didn't clearly show interest, she would lose interest. Maybe a twinkle in her eye was just a twinkle in her eye but man it felt like something much more. Even some of my male coworkers just knew she was into me. I haven't felt that level of what I thought was good chemistry reacting in a long time. I just knew it would turn into something.

 

I will move on but I am still curious if backing off has worked on or for anyone in the past. Although I won't come on to her or ask her out anymore, there is still a slight glimmer of hope that she will give it a chance if I just backoff and give her a lot of space.

[carhill]

Here's what will happen. Time will go by. Then the little incidents, the 'twinkle' will begin to happen again, then the escalation of catching your attention until, finally, when you 'give in' and ask her out again, she'll disappear/find excuses/whatever. I call it the rubber band theory of unhealthy relationship potentials. She's using her sexuality to play with you. If her interest had been sincere, she would've offered alternatives and/or rescheduled if she honestly had a conflict.

 

Mark my words. Remain distant but engaged and watch it play out. It's kinda fun, actually. Date other, interested, healthy women. Good luck

[sugarmomma]

She sounds like the type who, when ignored, will regain interest. I think she played you by not responded to the vm that you left which prompted you to ask her again the next day. You would not have had to ask again if she would have been considerate and given you a response.

 

I wouldn't go out with her ever again if I were you. Tooooo shady.

[Sabali]

She sounds like the type who, when ignored, will regain interest. I think she played you by not responded to the vm that you left which prompted you to ask her again the next day. You would not have had to ask again if she would have been considerate and given you a response.

 

I wouldn't go out with her ever again if I were you. Tooooo shady.

 

 

Yes. I don't know what is more disappointing, her not ever really being interested in the first place or her initially being interested and me possibly blowing it by being too up in her face.

 

 

I just don't understand why some people do this. She seem really nice with a good personality so it was actually a surprise to me that she would be the type to just ignore someone's message. I guess all is fair in love and war.

[carhill]

Everything isn't always as it seems. People reveal themselves through their actions and over time. The hard part with romance is that our emotions and libidos distort our perceptions. Finding clarity in that milieu can sometimes be daunting.

 

*If* you think you came on too strong, own that. Use that information in the future when you find yourself attracted to another lady. Tip: If you find yourself drifting too far from your natural style, you risk coming across as insincere and possibly a 'shady' character yourself. Better to stay within your comfort zone of what comes naturally to you and meet and greet and pursue ladies whom accept and appreciate that style, IMO.