He loves me, yet constantly feels strong urge to cheat.

[Mela]

All right. I have no clue where to begin. All I know is that I need advice because I am so confused and upset right now. I'll try to keep it simple, because when it's all boiled down, it's quite a simple issue. Too bad that doesn't make it any easier.

 

Also, I had typed this out once before, and it was much longer and more detailed, but the Internet quit on me right in the middle of posting and I lost the thread. So if anything is unclear, I can try to specify more. I want to get the best advice on this matter possible.

 

My fiancee and I have been together for about two and a half years, and we've been engaged for half a year. Our wedding is set for April 30. He is 23 and I am 22.

 

He has a sex addiction. All the signs are there and he admitted it to me - high sex drive, excessive porn use. Some nights he's on the computer for 2+ hours looking up porn. He says that he cannot fall asleep unless he gets off right before he goes to bed. Even if we've already had sex that night. I will say that he has never chosen porn over having sex with me, though. This is why I believe the problem is more of a sex addiction, than a porn addiction.

 

He constantly feels a strong desire to cheat on me. Finds other women attractive and has trouble not wanting to pursue them. He told me that it's so frustrating for him, because he knows he loves me and wants to be with me. And yet he is always wanting to have sex with other women. And not just a passing urge, as I know some men get occasionally, but a strong desire, that he cannot stop thinking about.

 

To make matters worse, there is a girl at his work who he admitted to me he has a crush on. He finds her very attractive and enjoys working with her. When he came to me about the issue (around a month ago) we agreed to focus on fixing the problems in our relationship (we had just moved in together and were having trouble settling in) and that he would quit flirting with her. She actually found out about the crush/how he was trying to avoid her and it made her angry, so she lashed out one night by being immature and teasing him about "Your bossy girlfriend who wears the pants in the relationship" "I should post flirty things on your FB wall to upset her" etc. Trying to mess with his head, basically. Goofing off and dancing sexy with her friend in front of him while he was trying to work. Getting on the intercom and paging him in a seductive tone to, "Come back here. We (her and her friend) have a suprise for you."

 

Well, this just pissed him off. He declared his crush for her was over and that he was only going to be platonic in action towards her from now on, and now that she had "shown her true colors" he was annoyed and disgusted by her. At first, after she and her friend pissed him off, I figured that was the end of it. But of course, feelings can change over time, and it's been a month since they were obnoxious. And he told me last night that he can feel the old crush starting to come back, or is at least worried that it will eventually lead that way. That he has trouble not flirting with her/wanting to bang her because he thinks she's hot. And she's made it obvious she's interested in him as well, which doesn't help, but makes it worse.

 

But I try to tell myself that the core issue is not this girl at his work. If it wasn't her, it would be another girl, another time. He doesn't even want her in a romantic way, he just has strong urges to have sex with her. Apparently so strong that he's so conflicted and guilty he comes to me about it. It is the sex addiction that's the issue here. But the fact that he's still working with the girl does not make me feel any better, because it's not helping ANYTHING. It's just making it worse because then he feels tempted by her.

 

I don't know what to do. I know the simple thing would be to leave him, because I don't deserve this. I know that. He told me last night that if he were more of a man, he would break up with me, because he's only hurting me. But that he is selfish and doesn't want to lose me. He also said that at the rate things are going, if he does not get help with his sex addiction, that he will wind up cheating on me. Not even meaning or wanting to. But just finding himself in a compromising situation and unable to stop his desires.

 

But he is my fiancee. I love him, I love our life together, our apartment, our future. We have built so much together. I don't want to just throw my hands up and walk away. But I just don't know when to say, "Enough is enough." Do I just sit around and wait for him to eventually cheat on me? I know the first step is finding him a counselor, which I'm doing right now. I just hope that this helps. Because I don't know what else to do.

Edited July 18, 2010 by Mela

[RedDevil66]

Hi, I have to say, I didnt read past "He's an admitted sex addict"

 

I have a good knowledge of addictions and I can tell you, sex addiction is the hardest to treat.

I have a close friend who's actually a very famous musician and he's a serious sex addict and at 47, has not beat it yet. He's been in and out of therapy for 20 yrs. Cheated on every women (including his wife of 14 yrs) he's ever been with.

That's not to say your BF won't beat it, but are you willing to see?

 

You're very young (too young for marriage in my opinion) and it would be so sad if you wasted your amazing 20's living this sort of life.

It's a really sad life when you can never trust someone or always need to worry about getting a STD.

 

Please, before you marry him, get see a therapist and talk this out.

[Mela]

Thank you, RedDevil66. The strange thing is that he's only cheated on one girl ever before. But I will say that I'm only his second LTR, and that she was his first. Maybe that's saying something right there.

[carhill]

A question I've long asked myself, and I'll pose to you as a mirror, is *why* do you love someone who appears to be so openly dismissive of the sanctity of your relationship and your feelings?

 

Get a good PMC and I'll bet you'll achieve some clarity on that. Wedding is April. It's July now. Plenty of time. Three months of PMC (pre-marital counseling) should get you some clarity. Since he's so open about his addictions and crushes and the details of his perspective on this issue, I know the process will go well. Due to his addictions, I'd recommend a psychologist as a PMC. Get started tomorrow

 

Oh, BTW, even if you're young, and you both are, marriage is an adult decision. PMC is something adults may choose to do when making a potentially life-altering decision. You made a decision when moving in together, a big one. Personally, I wouldn't have, but it's done. A great bend would be he agrees to PMC and you continue to live together. Otherwise, move out. It'll work out

 

Welcome to LS:)

Edited July 18, 2010 by carhill

[norajane]

He is 23 and I am 22

 

Perhaps you might consider postponing the wedding until he's gone to some therapy to deal with his "sex addiction". I put it in quotes, because he hasn't been diagnosed...it could be immaturity as much or more than it is sex addiction.

 

If you're only his second relationship, well, he may not have gotten the desire for variety out of his system. And high sex drive describes most boys 15-65.

 

And porn, well, it could really also be more of a porn addiction, than a sex addiction. 2 hours a night is probably small beans to a porn addict, though.

 

I'm just saying, you two are young and your problems may not be as difficult as true addictions. It may just be that he may not be as ready to settle down to a lifetime of commitment at this time as you would both like. His heart might be willing, but his body and spirit and mind need to do some more growing and living first.

[Mela]

norajane - I considered that it was just that he hadn't gotten enough "variety" before he settled down with me. But I know his sexual "number" - I'm the eighth girl he's slept with. Maybe that's not a lot of women for a guy, I don't know. But it feels to me that after seven girls, that would be enough variety. But you bring up really good points - maybe it's just that he's immature and his body is not willing to settle down yet, although his heart might want to.

[brokendream]

I'd advise you to do a lot of research on sex addiction before you marry this man. While some people do recover, there aren't many happy endings and it's something that he will battle throughout his life. He'll always battle to stay "sober". Sex addictions also tend to get worse as they progress. Do you really need this at such a young age?

 

Please see a councellor yourself and talk through your reasons for staying with this man. It may help you get some perspective on it.

[jamesum]

Give him LIBIDNO. The natural medicine will reduce his testosterone.

[norajane]

norajane - I considered that it was just that he hadn't gotten enough "variety" before he settled down with me. But I know his sexual "number" - I'm the eighth girl he's slept with. Maybe that's not a lot of women for a guy, I don't know. But it feels to me that after seven girls, that would be enough variety. But you bring up really good points - maybe it's just that he's immature and his body is not willing to settle down yet, although his heart might want to.

 

 

I'm afraid not. Not for a 23 year old young man. He's thinking he will never, ever, ever, ever sleep with another woman again for the next 60 years. And that's a scary thought for a guy that age.

 

At that age, he's barely even scratched the surface of sex. There are so many different kinds of sex, it's different every time with different people because they bring out different things in you, the nuances of emotional and intellectual intimacy vary the depth of the connection, and on and on.

 

In fact, you might want to reconsider whether you are really ready to spend the next 60 years of your life with this guy. You've barely been an adult; you have no idea how much you will change and grow in the next decade. What you think you want now is likely to be something you look back and wonder WTF was I thinking?

 

Why the rush to marry anyway? You're life has barely begun. So much out there to explore.

[Joe10]

The men you love will always want to cheat, because they are either 'bad guys' or 'walking wallets' or sometimes both, your favorite types.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Joe10

[You Go Girl]

He's honestly admitted who he is, and what his future behavior will be. He's set the scene for a future cheating episode or many of them, and by accepting him as your partner, you accept this. That means you acknowledge it is not a question of IF, but a question of WHEN.

The man you love wants you to also separate love and sex. If you can do this, you can find the type of relationship that accepts this, but you would have to be a very rare type, with 90% or some high percentage being all males who don't want monogamy.

Are you ready to become an open marriage?

If not, then you have to leave him. There is no other option.

[txsilkysmoothe]

This is not a man who should be marrying any woman at this point in his life.

 

Why are you looking for a counselor? You can't do this for him. He should be seeking help for himself. If he isn't willing to make a few phone calls, I have to question his desire to improve his situation.

[D-Lish]

Are you okay staying with a guy that openly talks about cheating on you, with you? Basically, he's going to cheat, and then he'll throw it back in your face "you knew who I was when you met me".