Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) I have been here years ago, and I am coming back here to LS for help. I have never in my life encountered this type of problem and I am at a loss as to what to do.... I met "The One." I have been waiting and hoping for him to appear in my life, but this situation is riddled with problems. He is in love with me. I am in love with him. Seems good, right? He was deeply, deeply hurt by his first wife. So much so, that he attempted suicide to escape the pain....years and years ago. So, he married another woman who didn't instill that type of passion in him that his first wife instilled. For him, admittedly by him, it was safe. He had found stability. He had found sanity. Not true love, but safety, which he so desperately needed. As his marriage is ending with her, he has found me. And, by his words, I reawaken that passion that he thought that he had long ago quenched. And now, he is terrified. Terrified of me. Terrified of the feelings I invoke in him. He runs hot....then cold. Our kisses (which is all we have done) make him lose physical control...and he runs scared. He pulls me in....then pushes me away as we get closer to each other. I am in counseling for an unrelated situation, but my counselor believes that due to the extreme distress he felt at the demise of his first marriage, he may be manifesting PTSD due to the emotions that I have evoked in him. She feels that the emotions I evoke in him may be a trigger of that terrible time in his life. That he fears walking down that path of true love. His pain then scares him so, that he fears losing control again, with me. Help. What do I do? Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
mikezombie777 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 He needs professional help also. Do not run away. Doing so will obviously add more weight to his emotions & the problem will continue. Encourage him to deal with his issues. Stand by him through this and he will love you like he's never loved anyone.
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) He needs professional help also. Do not run away. Doing so will obviously add more weight to his emotions & the problem will continue. Encourage him to deal with his issues. Stand by him through this and he will love you like he's never loved anyone. Thanks for your advice, but now he is in his "cold" pattern. Right now, it appears he is just interested in keeping me as far away from him as possible. His fear is so intense, he is thinking about leaving his job and moving to another state....just to get away from this internal turmoil. I appealed to him to not run away....to stay close to his children. And I told him I would be heartbroken if he moved away. His anxiety is intense....and not even rational. If he returns to me, I will gently discuss what I believe is happening with him, but I am not sure he will return. The trigger I seem to evoke is very, very strong. And to add extra pain....we work together. So, I am trying to stay away from him, so I don't trigger him any further. He says I am "pure passion" and that it terrifies him. Most people would run to this type of situation, and he simply runs away. He turns cold on me...Like a stranger. I will gently suggest therapy if he comes to me, but I am not holding my breath. This situation is heart breaking for me. Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
mikezombie777 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 This situation is heart breaking for me. I know Just give him his space for the time being and let him know you'll be there for him. Don't force it but just stay calm & let him know you're giving him his space, but you WILL be there for him no matter what. When things have settled down, I really really think he needs to find a healthy way to deal with these emotions, because as you know they are extremely destructive to your relationship.
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) Thank you for your advice. My counselor has told me to do the same thing as you have advised. I fear I have pushed him far away now. He told me that he cannot even kiss me now...it is too hard for him. He says that I overwhelm him by my presence, and that he loses control with me. He physically pushes me away when we kiss as I see him lose control. So, when he told me that we cannot be physical in any way....that we can just talk, I responded with, "No way." So now, he is silent. Had I known a few days ago what I know now, I would have gracefully told him that would be fine. But now....I may have scared him away. Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
spriggig Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 This situation is heart breaking for me. So, looks like you have to decide if you want to take on this project, because he will come back.
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 As his marriage is ending with her, he has found me. Is his M ending because of you?
Dressagechick Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 So, looks like you have to decide if you want to take on this project, because he will come back. I agree. I'm 99% sure this is my ex's "issue," so I can relate. But I will say this: One of my best girlfriends met this type of guy. He'd been devastated (and quite rightly) by his ex-wife, and he was afraid of what was happening with my friend. Nevertheless (and this is KEY), he said something to the effect of: "Listen, I'm screwed up about this because of x, y, and z, but I love you, so even if it's rough, I'm asking you to stick by me." She did, it WAS rough, but they are now married. My point is that he didn't just pull the hot/cold crap because of his issue, but he discussed it with her and they worked through it. There were a couple of VERY rough periods, doubts, arguments, etc., but underneath it all, he didn't really push her away (or at least not so far that he or she left or that too much damage was done). I don't necessarily agree with sticking by someone if it's costing you to doubt yourself or walk on eggshells unless they give you a reason to do so, as my friend's guy did. I think it's possible for awhile, but I also think that someone who isn't actively trying to pull themselves together, and pulling this hot/cold crap, will possibly cause resentment on the person who stuck with it. In my case, I stuck with mine as long as possible, but frankly, it was driving me nuts in the end. I let him go - lovingly, and I'm actively trying to move on. Am I sad sometimes? You bet. Do I miss him sometimes? Yes! But I had to ultimately look out for me - he was in no position to do so - and I need a partner where things like that are reciprocal. And who he was for me right now wasn't who I needed him to be, so it wouldn't have worked. I think if you felt like saying "No way" to a non-physical relationship, you felt what you felt, and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way. If it permanently pushes him away, then that's on him, really. Don't you want someone who doesn't run from a good thing that they themselves even purport to recognize as "a good thing?" I do. My advice, I guess, is if he wants to run, let him run. Do it lovingly, though. If you feel you can stick by him, then do so, but look after yourself in that situation first. Best you can do for yourself, really, until he's ready to be the partner you need him to be. And, yes, I realize it's the hardest thing...I'm in the same boat!
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 As his marriage is ending with her, he has found me. Is his M ending because of you? No. He realized a year ago that he was in the marriage for the wrong reason. He separated from her.... We have just started together in the last month.
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 When did he separate from her? He needs alone time to get his head together. Has he had any of that?
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 I agree. I'm 99% sure this is my ex's "issue," so I can relate. But I will say this: One of my best girlfriends met this type of guy. He'd been devastated (and quite rightly) by his ex-wife, and he was afraid of what was happening with my friend. Nevertheless (and this is KEY), he said something to the effect of: "Listen, I'm screwed up about this because of x, y, and z, but I love you, so even if it's rough, I'm asking you to stick by me." She did, it WAS rough, but they are now married. My point is that he didn't just pull the hot/cold crap because of his issue, but he discussed it with her and they worked through it. There were a couple of VERY rough periods, doubts, arguments, etc., but underneath it all, he didn't really push her away (or at least not so far that he or she left or that too much damage was done). I don't necessarily agree with sticking by someone if it's costing you to doubt yourself or walk on eggshells unless they give you a reason to do so, as my friend's guy did. I think it's possible for awhile, but I also think that someone who isn't actively trying to pull themselves together, and pulling this hot/cold crap, will possibly cause resentment on the person who stuck with it. In my case, I stuck with mine as long as possible, but frankly, it was driving me nuts in the end. I let him go - lovingly, and I'm actively trying to move on. Am I sad sometimes? You bet. Do I miss him sometimes? Yes! But I had to ultimately look out for me - he was in no position to do so - and I need a partner where things like that are reciprocal. And who he was for me right now wasn't who I needed him to be, so it wouldn't have worked. I think if you felt like saying "No way" to a non-physical relationship, you felt what you felt, and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way. If it permanently pushes him away, then that's on him, really. Don't you want someone who doesn't run from a good thing that they themselves even purport to recognize as "a good thing?" I do. My advice, I guess, is if he wants to run, let him run. Do it lovingly, though. If you feel you can stick by him, then do so, but look after yourself in that situation first. Best you can do for yourself, really, until he's ready to be the partner you need him to be. And, yes, I realize it's the hardest thing...I'm in the same boat! He has been completely clear with me in regards to his feelings and emotions. He knows he is screwed up. I don't believe he has identified the severity of his trauma, but I do know for a fact that he knows he is in an emotional mess. He admits that he is all over the place emotionally. And it is torture for me, so I totally understand with what you had been going through. He tells me that our passion is too intense...it is overwhelming...and that he needs to get away to take care of himself. He, however, has not asked me to stick around. He does tell me that he believes it isn't fair to me because he is so internally confused. So, I believe I pushed him too far this time. He said what he feels for me in this short period of time is overwhelming...he wasn't prepared for me. (Sigh)...
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) When did he separate from her? He needs alone time to get his head together. Has he had any of that? A year ago. He has dated, but no one has "lit his fire" except me. He told me I hit him like a freight train. He didn't see me coming.. Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 And, by his words, I reawaken that passion that he thought that he had long ago quenched. And now, he is terrified. Terrified of me. Terrified of the feelings I invoke in him. He runs hot....then cold. He told me that he cannot even kiss me now...it is too hard for him. He says that I overwhelm him by my presence, and that he loses control with me. He physically pushes me away when we kiss as I see him lose control. So, when he told me that we cannot be physical in any way....that we can just talk, I responded with, "No way." Could there be someone else?
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) And, by his words, I reawaken that passion that he thought that he had long ago quenched. And now, he is terrified. Terrified of me. Terrified of the feelings I invoke in him. He runs hot....then cold. He told me that he cannot even kiss me now...it is too hard for him. He says that I overwhelm him by my presence, and that he loses control with me. He physically pushes me away when we kiss as I see him lose control. So, when he told me that we cannot be physical in any way....that we can just talk, I responded with, "No way." Could there be someone else? Hardly. However, I am sure there are issues still lingering with his wife. Separations are excruciatingly hard...and I am sure that is messing with his head too. I am starting to see that this guy is truly a mess.... I think I need to walk away and let him find me if he straightens himself out. Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
spriggig Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Could there be someone else? Of course there is. His ex. He hasn't let go of her yet. A year seems like a long time to get over someone from the outside, but in the middle of it a year is only half way there, if that. This situation is not complicated or unusual. He's not ready yet, that's all.
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) And, by his words, I reawaken that passion that he thought that he had long ago quenched. And now, he is terrified. Terrified of me. Terrified of the feelings I invoke in him. He runs hot....then cold. He told me that he cannot even kiss me now...it is too hard for him. He says that I overwhelm him by my presence, and that he loses control with me. He physically pushes me away when we kiss as I see him lose control. So, when he told me that we cannot be physical in any way....that we can just talk, I responded with, "No way." Could there be someone else? Of course there is. His ex. He hasn't let go of her yet. A year seems like a long time to get over someone from the outside, but in the middle of it a year is only half way there, if that. This situation is not complicated or unusual. He's not ready yet, that's all. Understood. He left her. She never wanted him to leave. So, I don't think there is anything emotionally for him to get over, except the guilt, possibly. When he speaks of her, he is matter of fact. There is no emotion associated with her. He clearly tells me that his emotions for me have far superceded his emotions he ever felt for her. Or for his first wife, as a matter of fact. But, I agree with you. He isn't ready for me. He may never be. But, you have resonated with me. He needs to get divorced, THEN come find me. Perhaps then he will be ready for me. Thanks. Edited July 18, 2010 by Walking away
2sunny Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 he isn't ready for himself - much less another who may care for him. time will show you whether or not he is capable of the processing and healing he needs in order to enter a HEALTHY relationship. this is only work he can do for himself. in other words - you can't possibly do this for him - he needs to do this for himself. step away. allow his D to be finished. allow him time to PROCESS his emotions in a healthy manner and come out the other side an emotionally healthy and available man. NOT the one who runs away because he begins to "feel" something he hasn't felt for a long time. NOT the man who runs away at all... YOU need to go NC with him so he doesn't have the added distraction of you. YOU need to go NC so that you give yourself the opportunity to live and have fun - with or without him in your life - as he may NEVER get to a healthy state... and if he doesn't - you still go on living and being happy on your own.
spriggig Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 As his marriage is ending with her, he has found me. He needs to get divorced, THEN come find me. Oh good lord! I missed that he's still married. Run, Lola, Run!
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 he isn't ready for himself - much less another who may care for him. time will show you whether or not he is capable of the processing and healing he needs in order to enter a HEALTHY relationship. this is only work he can do for himself. in other words - you can't possibly do this for him - he needs to do this for himself. step away. allow his D to be finished. allow him time to PROCESS his emotions in a healthy manner and come out the other side an emotionally healthy and available man. NOT the one who runs away because he begins to "feel" something he hasn't felt for a long time. NOT the man who runs away at all... YOU need to go NC with him so he doesn't have the added distraction of you. YOU need to go NC so that you give yourself the opportunity to live and have fun - with or without him in your life - as he may NEVER get to a healthy state... and if he doesn't - you still go on living and being happy on your own. You are absolutely right. I have had such a heaviness about this situation. NC will be hard since we work in the same facility, but I can do my best to stay clear. Thank you so much. I have had such a dark cloud around me due to this situation. This will be hard for me, but the timing sucks for us. Somehow, someway, I will walk away gracefully. It is the only way.
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Oh good lord! I missed that he's still married. Run, Lola, Run! He is still legally married. Good thing I have some good running shoes, eh?
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Nike Airs? Start tying up those laces. Given time, he may chase after you. But, you will never know, until you start running. With enough time and space between the both of you, you might figure out it isn't worth it, for you, if he were to catch up.
Author Walking away Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Nike Airs? Start tying up those laces. Given time, he may chase after you. But, you will never know, until you start running. With enough time and space between the both of you, you might figure out it isn't worth it, for you, if he were to catch up. You guys are just what the doctor ordered. Thanks so much for your kindness and good advice. All of you.
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