blossom0123 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Some of you may have seen my other thread further down of 'checking out' of my marriage and trying to work with/on that. There seems to be lots of people on here who have been in really difficult relationship situations and subsequently made it work. I want to ask you: in your darkest moments, what made you realise that this was really worth fighting for? what inspired you to go on and keep working on it even when you didn't see the way out? what made you re-appreciate your spouse and see your marriage in a new and better light? I'd be particularly interested in hearing from - people without children/ reasons where children are not the main incentive (I don't have any myself, so that's not a factor for us), and - people's real experiences (rather than normative statements along the lines of 'hey you did your vows so your job is to work on this for life' - unless THAT was what made YOU motivated in that situation). Thanks!
BellaBellaBella Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I do have a child. However, I am not trying to save my marriage for her. I already know she and I would be fine. I am working on my marriage, even though I don't sexually desire my husband, because he is my best friend. He and I are compatable. The other issue I think is people forget that there are stages of love. The whole heat of the moment can't stand to be apart point. We are the we know everything and it's daily life. We still enjoy going to the movies togather, we enjoy sitting outside and talking about stupid stuff. He will read something I think is funny and comment on it. I make an effort to understand his interests. I do these things because if I change relationships. I am going to be madly in love and eventually have to deal with the daily grind again. I would rather do it with this man, who loves me and keeps me safe then any other. So yes, we are working on our sex life.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Truthfully? Its because he makes me feel so damn sexxxy and hot that our sex in passionate and full of love. He is the first man Ive had that with, and trust me...Im an experienced woman. lol Also because he holds himself to a standard that most people are uncapable of. We both understand eachother, even when we disagree. The resentment was easy to let go when in our phone counceling session, I heard him getting pretty beat up...not in a mean way...but more of a...no lets dont blow that off, what did you hear christy say? kind of way. And he took it with dignity and with respect for me, started making the change and showing the effort. Then I realized that for that to work I had to be the change I wanted in my relationship. So I started smiling at him more, and he responded well. I started taking some time in the evening to look extra hot for him, he noticed and our sex life picked up...I have started calling him at work and tell him its just to hear his voice. And he smiles. I give him compliments all the time, instead of just bitching at him as soon as he is through the door. But it was about me. He noticed and changed when he noticed me change for the better. He told me it inspires him and that I make him a better man. What bigger compliment can you receive from your spouse? He is sincere and trustworthy. He doesnt check out other women in front of me, EVER...he will comment on clothes or body types that are similar to mine (small waist, big boobs, and huge booty...he says its no where near huge...but whatever lol) to point out that it is attractive. So I will feel better about myself. He is the first man to ever treat me with such respect as far as other women are concerned...even porn...NONE. So in a nutshell, thats why I decided to love him again, with a fresh perspective of just being satisfied with my life, home, kids, and him! It works well! We are so in love!!!
SoConfusledandHurt Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Oh and I can honestly say that he has made me a better woman
Author blossom0123 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Really nice to read both of your posts - thank you!
crazycatlady Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Remembering the beginning helps. And allowing myself to see that certain look in his eyes that is just for me. When it was really bad - so much fighting and beginning bitterness in both of us - sitting down and listening to what the other person said (not talking about how we felt but making an active listening effort) without the other person countering their feelings and opinions at that time really helped. Usually at that time we both were so concerned with getting our side out, our feelings heard that we talked over each other and both of us felt the other just didn't listen or care. We did it because seperating at that time would have been a huge ordeal and we didn't want to do that. Not without trying first. Because we did love each other, it was just hard for us to feel any ummm guess its empathy for the other person because we felt no empathy. Now the trick is to keep from taking each other for granted. We slip up time to time but we have tried to make a committment to not do it. And that helped us get through his affair. Really that wasn't nearly as hard to deal with as getting through the seperateness we had gotten stuck in those years before. Something made me marry him years before....something about him made me a better person. And I knew something about me made him a better person. We had kids then but they weren't an issue. We knew how we would handle that part of things. We aren't religious so that wasn't a factor in staying. Both of us are stubborn and hate giving up which helped us want to work it out. And really the core was there. Love was there. I could still look back and go....yes he is what I want and the same was for him. So....Had to try...And yeah it was worth it. So worth it. CCL
What_Next Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Blossom, you did mention no children, and my wife and I have a child, but I'll post anyway. Part of my reason for holding on so tight and fighting for our marriage was our child, sure it was. That's obvious, however I will say that as things progressed and got worse it was as much of a motivation to end it, since it was effecting our child. Anyway; that's not what you had asked. When I sit back an analyze what happened and why I did what I did, I can say that a large part of my motivation was friendship. Sounds corny right? Well one of the things that my wife did say in one of the dark times was that she was afraid she'd lose her best friend; me. That stuck with me. What I realized is that besides everything else a marriage needs to consist of 2 friends, the very best of friends. As such you BOTH need to treat each other as you would a friend, with respect, honesty and compassion. Everything else builds from there. In my case my wife and I knew each other for over 20 years, and I kept thinking how terrible it would be to walk away from such a friendship. Another factor for us is physical compatibility, I do feel that if it is lacking then the marriage is in deep trouble. We actually built upon that. Sex is often at the root of many marriage problems, in ours it was about the only thing that did work. We found the positive points and built upon them as well.
giotto Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Blossom, you did mention no children, and my wife and I have a child, but I'll post anyway. Part of my reason for holding on so tight and fighting for our marriage was our child, sure it was. That's obvious, however I will say that as things progressed and got worse it was as much of a motivation to end it, since it was effecting our child. Anyway; that's not what you had asked. When I sit back an analyze what happened and why I did what I did, I can say that a large part of my motivation was friendship. Sounds corny right? Well one of the things that my wife did say in one of the dark times was that she was afraid she'd lose her best friend; me. That stuck with me. What I realized is that besides everything else a marriage needs to consist of 2 friends, the very best of friends. As such you BOTH need to treat each other as you would a friend, with respect, honesty and compassion. Everything else builds from there. In my case my wife and I knew each other for over 20 years, and I kept thinking how terrible it would be to walk away from such a friendship. Another factor for us is physical compatibility, I do feel that if it is lacking then the marriage is in deep trouble. We actually built upon that. Sex is often at the root of many marriage problems, in ours it was about the only thing that did work. We found the positive points and built upon them as well. this ^^, without the sex bit... although sex has always been good, when we have it... I would also add a very deep knowledge and understanding of each other, since we've been together for 25 years and we literally grew up together (we were 22 when we met). I don't know, my wife is like an old and comfy pair of slippers...
quankanne Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 in your darkest moments, what made you realise that this was really worth fighting for? what inspired you to go on and keep working on it even when you didn't see the way out? what made you re-appreciate your spouse and see your marriage in a new and better light? good questions, and some fantastic responses here ... we've been married 18 years (no kids), and yes, there have been some periods where each of us was fed up to a point were we considered walking away from the marriage. I can't answer for DH, but I can tell you what stopped me from doing just that was realizing that maybe divorce was too simple an answer and that I needed to rethink strategy. And because he was still capable of surprising me by showing me through word or action that this marriage is something he believed in, and not just some one-sided thing on my part. Other thing is the realization that marriage was never, ever something I thought about, though I did yearn for a kind of nebulous, long-term loving relationship with a guy who wanted to be with just me, you know? when I think of that, then consider all the reasons why we should never have been attracted to each other to begin with, it humbles me to realize, The Big Guy had a plan for us to be together, and that I'm guilty of building up something in my head in a way that makes me the victim of his inconsiderate ways (or whatever else that's bugging me at that point) ... it's a fantastic reality check, so to speak, to realize just what it's taken to get us to this point knowing our respective histories with love and life ... you don't give up until you know you've exhausted every single little bit of hope there is for the relationship, because you realize that even that tiny bit has huge potential
solitary_man Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 in your darkest moments, what made you realise that this was really worth fighting for? what inspired you to go on and keep working on it even when you didn't see the way out? what made you re-appreciate your spouse and see your marriage in a new and better light? good questions, and some fantastic responses here ... we've been married 18 years (no kids), and yes, there have been some periods where each of us was fed up to a point were we considered walking away from the marriage. I can't answer for DH, but I can tell you what stopped me from doing just that was realizing that maybe divorce was too simple an answer and that I needed to rethink strategy. And because he was still capable of surprising me by showing me through word or action that this marriage is something he believed in, and not just some one-sided thing on my part. Other thing is the realization that marriage was never, ever something I thought about, though I did yearn for a kind of nebulous, long-term loving relationship with a guy who wanted to be with just me, you know? when I think of that, then consider all the reasons why we should never have been attracted to each other to begin with, it humbles me to realize, The Big Guy had a plan for us to be together, and that I'm guilty of building up something in my head in a way that makes me the victim of his inconsiderate ways (or whatever else that's bugging me at that point) ... it's a fantastic reality check, so to speak, to realize just what it's taken to get us to this point knowing our respective histories with love and life ... you don't give up until you know you've exhausted every single little bit of hope there is for the relationship, because you realize that even that tiny bit has huge potential that was awesome and very helpful. for me, anyway. i have every respect for those of you who have been able to step back across that void and pick up the pieces. Part of me wants to try. part of me wants to... not try.
Lovelybird Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Truthfully? Its because he makes me feel so damn sexxxy and hot that our sex in passionate and full of love. He is the first man Ive had that with, and trust me...Im an experienced woman. lol Also because he holds himself to a standard that most people are uncapable of. We both understand eachother, even when we disagree. The resentment was easy to let go when in our phone counceling session, I heard him getting pretty beat up...not in a mean way...but more of a...no lets dont blow that off, what did you hear christy say? kind of way. And he took it with dignity and with respect for me, started making the change and showing the effort. Then I realized that for that to work I had to be the change I wanted in my relationship. So I started smiling at him more, and he responded well. I started taking some time in the evening to look extra hot for him, he noticed and our sex life picked up...I have started calling him at work and tell him its just to hear his voice. And he smiles. I give him compliments all the time, instead of just bitching at him as soon as he is through the door. But it was about me. He noticed and changed when he noticed me change for the better. He told me it inspires him and that I make him a better man. What bigger compliment can you receive from your spouse? He is sincere and trustworthy. He doesnt check out other women in front of me, EVER...he will comment on clothes or body types that are similar to mine (small waist, big boobs, and huge booty...he says its no where near huge...but whatever lol) to point out that it is attractive. So I will feel better about myself. He is the first man to ever treat me with such respect as far as other women are concerned...even porn...NONE. So in a nutshell, thats why I decided to love him again, with a fresh perspective of just being satisfied with my life, home, kids, and him! It works well! We are so in love!!! Can I ask how long you have been married? Very interesting post. So you mean you want to be a better woman and your husband wants to be a better man because you are inspired by each other's change and attitude? He is sincere and trustworthy. He doesnt check out other women in front of me, EVER... He never did so? you told him not to or he never did so since dating you?
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 We have 5 kids together, married 16+ years, together 18 years, and have no other relationship experience other and/or sexual partners than each other. So right there those things kind of make us want to work things out... But beyond that, it takes maturity to realize that there is so much to work for. So much to look forward to. There are often bad times. Sometimes horrible and dark and scary times. But almost all of my life's joys are derived from being with her. Yes, kids and family too, but us, together, it's what gives me motivation, happiness, excitement, passion. Often the best and brightest spots in our marriage are preceded by darkness and or despair. So these things make me realize I should work on the tough times and improve those situations. While keeping the good times and trying to make more of those. Just keep on keeping at it... We both often wonder what it might be like with someone else. We both have greener grass syndrome sometimes. But deep down we know that the truth is that we were just meant to be. When I really think about leaving (or even just what it might be like if I left), I have come to mature and realize that it is a defect in me, a flaw of sorts, an real and true insecurity, to think that running from her will make my life so much better. If I don't fix me and/or us, then I will simply end up with the same problem in another relationship (after all the warm fuzzy, butterfly chasing stuff wears off)... Sometimes distance (even for just a day or two), or other forms of taking away the familiarity and togetherness, it makes me realize quickly how important she is to me. She was at her sister's all day yesterday (with 3 of the kids), and I thought she might stay the night there because she responded to my text asking if she was on her way home with a simple "no." I went through several emotions including the thought of a relaxing night at home, to the thought of the excitement of reuniting tomorrow night... Something so simple got me to realize that I need and want her more than I care to admit. IMHO, many long term couples realize that they could and/or should have made it work long after the split... I truly feel lucky to know the value of what I have, and that I have ability to put enough in keep this family intact and my wife and I 'in love!'
Author blossom0123 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I really really appreciate these contributions, they're so nice to read and I'm learning a lot - thanks. Good stuff for thought. Just to clarify: I realise I could have worded my OP better - I of course didn't mean that people with children were discouraged from contributing, it was the second part (children not being the main incentive) which captures what I really meant.
giotto Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I of course didn't mean that people with children were discouraged from contributing, it was the second part (children not being the main incentive) which captures what I really meant. Funny, because at the beginning that was the main reason, but then when you try you realise there is a lot more than that at stake... I'm still not 100% sure I want to stay forever with her, though... complicated story...
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