Am I Just Being Toyed With?

[AbeFroman]

I was really hoping you guys might lend me some insight here.

I have this awful, gnawing feeling in my stomach that I'm being deliberately screwed with, but I'm also aware that my judgment is most likely being clouded with a great deal of emotional pain, a large dose of denial, and a myriad of lingering feelings towards my ex-girlfriend. I was wondering if you guys could try and help me out with an objective point of view-- because if I'm honest, I'm still way too hung-up on my ex-girlfriend to think clearly about her.

 

I'd like to run a couple of recent scenarios by you and see what you think, if that's okay--

I'd really like your opinion: am I just being overly-sensitive, or am I being toyed with?

 

Preface: Ex broke up with me in May. I was hoping for reconcilliation. Now, I'm not so sure.

I love her-- but it's becoming apparent a reunion is more and more unlikely, and she's handled some things in ways that have really hurt and disappointed me, beyond the expected pain of getting dumped.

 

 

1.) I have no idea why, but my ex girlfriend has been pretty insistent on chiming in regularly on my friend's Facebook statuses. Not mutual friends-- my friends. I don't know if I'm just being whiny, but it seems remarkably insensitive to me. She has to know I need as many ports in the storm as I can get, so why would she think it's okay to insist on maintaining contact with friends she knows are important to me, but are only peripheral to her?

 

2.) Three days ago, she texted me at 8 in the morning to let me know she ran into a couple of friends of mine. Again-- 90% of the time, she avoids me like I'm radioactive, so why the need to text me first-thing in the morning to mention something so trivial?

 

3.) After posting a new profile photo of myself online, she left a comment saying that it was nice to see a picture of me again.

(I'm quickly discovering the Internet is pretty much Satan incarnate when it comes to getting over an ex)

 

Generally speaking, I'm feeling like every time I withdraw, or refrain from contacting her, she makes some incredibly vague, insubstantial gesture towards me, and then bolts on me, with no meaningful follow up. She pretty much checks in, and then bails.

At first, I thought it was just her being conflicted about her feelings towards me, but at this point, it just seems incredibly thoughtless and mean.

 

 

I didn't want to think she was a petty, or manipulative person, but it's definitely starting to feel like she's trying to feed me just enough interest to keep me dangling on the chain.

 

Does she genuinely care about me, or is she doing this as some kind of cruel power-play, or is it just something to assuage her guilt and bolster her ego?

 

Regardless of the reason-- it sucks.

I know I'm allowing it to happen, but I keep succumbing to the hope that she might come back.

As much as I hate to say it, I think she's just keeping me around *just* enough to make her feel better, but has no real concern or love for me.

 

What do you think?

Edited July 18, 2010 by AbeFroman

[cleveraccountname]

I'll make it short and sweet. Don't contact her, delete her number from your phone, delete her from Facebook, send her a message saying it's not healthy or practical to stay in contact after a break up. Tell her some people can remain in contact, but most people prefer a clean break. Block her out of your life.

 

Dumpers are manipulative. They want to feel like they still mean something to you, even though it was their god damn decision to break your heart. Anyway, don't let her have any more power over you. Talking to your friends, talking to you, commenting on their status and your picture - all ways to stroke her own ego. When they talk back to her, it strokes your ego, because they are your friends. When you talk to her, it strokes her ego. Don't talk to her. If you want her back, do the same thing. No contact is often the only way people realise they made a mistake. Good luck buddy

[princessjasmine]

Hi

 

Totally agree with cleveraccountname. It sucks, I don't deny you that. And it's so easy to advise as an outsider with no emotional or personal insight to the situation but...

 

She's just being nasty. Some people are like this, they do things that are so trivial to them but they know will have a big effect on the person in question because they get their kicks out of belittling/winding up others.

 

She doesn't want you, but likes the idea of keeping you dangling on the outskirts of her radar, it's to massage her ego. "Oh look at this little man who I can toy with" etc.

 

It's just mean. Believe in karma, one day someone will do it to her, and oh how sour the taste in her mouth will be.

 

Move on. You're not going to lose your feelings over night, but keep busy, see your friends. Delete her off facebook, if she can't leave you these "clever" little notes then she won't be able to have this effect on you.

 

All the best x

[DustySaltus]

Three things abe:

 

1) Delete her from facebook.

2) Tell your mutual friends that out of respect for you not to mention her around you and for them not to mention anything about you around her.

3) You can stop her from having the power whenever you want it to. All you have to do is initiate no contact.

 

I had so many mutual friends with my ex-fiance on fb that I just deactivated my entire profile.

 

You need to get to the point of indifference. This girl wants power over you but wants nothing to do with you at the same time. That doesn't sound like a fair deal to me....especially considering that you're the sausage kind of chicago.

 

Please read the link in my signature. Someone who truly cared about you would never act this way. I'm sorry you had to go through this...but LEARN from it.

[sugarmomma]

.

I know I'm allowing it to happen, but I keep succumbing to the hope that she might come back.

As much as I hate to say it, I think she's just keeping me around *just* enough to make her feel better, but has no real concern or love for me.

 

What do you think?

 

You are absolutely right.

[AbeFroman]

I have to say-- as much as it hurts to accept it, I think you guys are right.

 

Unfortunately, the craziness continues...

 

Three weeks ago, we spoke for a bit, and I worked up enough courage to ask if she wanted to meet me for coffee, or go on a walk-- just trying to see if the door was cracked open a little. She told me she had a lot going on, but she, and I quote, "promised" to let me know when she'd be available. TWICE.

 

Then I get this text message this morning:

"Good morning!

Just thinking about ya.

I have an incredibly busy couple of weeks ahead of me,

but we'll have to get together soon.

Hope your week starts off good."

 

 

How the hell should I react to that?

 

My first instinct is that of being insulted.

Are you kidding me?

She leaves me on the hook for 3 weeks, ignores me, and then contacts me, only to say I need to wait a little longer?

 

I'm not insane, am I? That's total crap, right?

 

I haven't responded, and I don't think I ought to.

 

If at some point she wants to reach out to me with something sincere and heartfelt, that's another story. But this is straight-up BS.

 

I deserve SO much better.

 

Ugh.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Hmm, I think you are overreading. A friendly comment to your friends on Facebook, well, she thinks of them as her friends, too.

She is not doing anything to get to you, you are just taking it that way.

She is obviously just seeing you as a friend, not trying to toy with you.

However, in your state of being dumped, you are exaggerating in your mind to the max what she is doing.

[GrayClouds]

 

If at some point she wants to reach out to me with something sincere and heartfelt, that's another story. But this is straight-up BS.

And you would trust her if she did after seeing what she is capable of?

 

I deserve SO much better.

 

It good that you say it, now you have to believe it and behave like it.

 

Full NC.

[AbeFroman]

Really, Pink?

 

I'll be honest -- I really don't know.

I have NO CLUE as to what her motives are.

 

I totally concede that I'm in a highly speculative, hyper-sensitive state of mind, and it's entirely possible I'm reading *all kinds* of stuff into the situation that simply doesn't exist.

 

But I can't help but feel like this last text message, if not the other events, are a pretty clear indication that I'm being strung along.

 

NO semi-intelligent person-- and she's a brilliant woman -- could be so oblivious as to think it's acceptable to tell a recently dumped ex that they'd like to see them, and then leave them twisting in the wind for three weeks. Even the most basic level of respect and compassion dictates that making someone wait around like that is a lousy thing to do -- particularly when you know it's important to them. And believe me, my ex is a smart, intuitive cookie -- there's absolutely NO way she made a promise like that without being FULLY aware that it would raise my hopes and mean a great deal to me.

 

That said -- maybe she's not being entirely malicious, but you have to admit, it seems profoundly careless and insensitive to meet up with someone, then avoid them, then tell them they need to wait ANOTHER couple weeks.

 

I'm sorry, but at best, it's thoughtless as hell. At worst, it's downright sadistic.

 

I know I'm most likely over-analyzing pretty much EVERY detail of our breakup, but I don't think I'm off-base about this.

 

Maybe it's not flat-out vicious, but there's definitely a lack of respect and compassion coming from her.

[AbeFroman]

And you would trust her if she did after seeing what she is capable of?

 

To be entirely honest-- it would depend A LOT on what was said, if and when we ever met up. Her behavior has been unbelievably confusing, and I've developed a pretty healthy skepticism towards her. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly, I feel pretty leery about her right now.

 

It good that you say it, now you have to believe it and behave like it.

 

Full NC.

 

As beaten-down by this as I am, I do know that I'm a solid, decent, good human being. I have my faults like anyone else, and I make NO effort to deny I contributed more than my share to the demise of our relationship.

 

But the bottom line is, I do deserve to be with someone who treats me with kindness, respect and love.

 

I think I just may be looking for it in a person who's no longer has the capacity to give it to me.

[AbeFroman]

Also, Pink --

 

I'll give her about 50% of the benefit of the doubt-- I do believe that she genuinely wants to be friends... so long as she doesn't have to exert any effort.

I genuinely feel like she wants the comfort and safety of knowing I care about her, without really having to commit to *anything*, even friendship.

 

If she demonstrated some REAL desire to have a legitimate friendship with me, I'd fully agree with you, but so far, she treats me like a text-message pen-pal. And that's only when she feels like it. The rest of the time, she pretty resoundingly neglects me.

 

 

There's a whole lotta take, and not much give, y'know?

It's not reciprocal, even as a platonic thing.

 

I dunno-- I actually spend time with my friends.

Maybe I'm just weird like that.

[GrayClouds]

Stop wanting, hoping, and waiting.

 

You want a relationship with her, your hoping she will give you a sincere friendship, to justify waiting for her fall in love with you.

 

Only in the movies does the girl fall in love with the loyal friends that waits on the sideline and pines for her.

 

If she wanted to be with you she would be with you, now your saying you will settle for second best to be her friend. What that ways to her she is so great and you want to be with her so bad you will take scraps to do so. You think she will fall for that guy.

 

Again you say you deserve better, action speaks louder then words, behave like you do.

 

I know it hurts but it time for you to let go.

[AbeFroman]

Trust me -- I'm NOT interested in being her friend.

 

Part of me wishes I could be, but I know it'd be completely unsustainable.

I would still be in love with her, and she wouldn't.

That's an impossible situation, and NOT one I want to be in.

 

I'm honest enough-- and have enough ego, pride and dignity -- to know a friendship between her and I wouldn't work. Not for a long, long time.

I've been the "pining from the sidelines" guy.

I have NO desire to do that again.

 

If I'm true to my feelings, I want reconciliation, or nothing.

And I think she knows that-- which is why this stuff upsets me so much.

 

I only mentioned the friend thing because Pink posited that my ex was probably just looking to be friends, which could very well be.

 

But again, I can't help but suspect there's a little game-playing going on.

[AbeFroman]

Oh no -- I kid you not, guys.

 

So-- I'm on Facebook, removing photos, setting my status to single, and am preparing to defriend her...

 

I check on her page to make sure the photos have been removed... and I read that her Uncle just passed away this morning, while I was doing all that.

 

I feel HORRIBLE right now.

 

What do I do?

 

Send my condolences?

Do nothing?

 

Oh man -- I'm pretty miserable at the moment. I dunno why-- I know there's no way I could have known -- but I feel absolutely horrid and guilty for some reason.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks, guys!!!!!!!!!!

[GrayClouds]

It is a very hard situation, but in May she told you she was not no longer a priority in her life, respect her wishes. She has friends and family that can give her the support she wants.

Edited July 20, 2010 by GrayClouds

[A Hot Mess]

Not to be callous, but it was her uncle. Not her dad, or her mom. You also found out on your own, she didn't tell you. I don't think you owe it to her to be there.

 

As far as everything prior to that, I think she kept contact with you to stroke her own ego. She wants to know that you still want her. All girls do. Don't give her that satisfaction. Also, she might have been keeping you at arm's length, in the very remote chance that she can't line up anyone new, or the guy she's seeing doesn't pan out. Kinda seems like a standard move in a break-up that doesn't end for catastrophic reasons. But do you really want to be anyone's fall-back? Someone they settled for?

 

You should cut her off and move on.

[DustySaltus]

It is a very hard situation, but in May she told you she was not no longer a priority in her life, respect her wishes. She has friends and family that can give her the support she wants.

 

I have to agree here. She made the decision and the contact should stop with that decision. It is not YOUR decision.

[AbeFroman]

Well, I finally cut the cord this morning-- severed the last of our connections.

 

I'm going No Contact.

 

Jesus, this hurts.

[GrayClouds]

Well, I finally cut the cord this morning-- severed the last of our connections.

 

I'm going No Contact.

 

Jesus, this hurts.

Yes it does but you did the right thing, stay strong and read the following for guidance:

 

So you want a second chance?

[AbeFroman]

So, I hide all my Facebook stuff from her-- 20 minutes later, I get a text: "So, I take it you're mad at me?"

 

Do I inform her that I'm initiating No Contact, or do I just ignore it?

 

I'm new to this-- and I gotta be honest, freaking out a little.

[AbeFroman]

And 2 seconds ago, the follow up:

 

"I'm sorry if you are. I was really hoping we could catch up, but it sounds like that's not a possibility."

 

I just don't get it.

[GrayClouds]

NC means NC. It this point it does not matter what she thinks or does.

 

It about your taking care of yourself, healing from the break-up and taking this time to improve yourself. For you, she is not longer in the equations.

 

Be strong and kind to yourself, stay NC.

 

Read for strength:

 

So you want a second chance?

[AbeFroman]

Well, I was sitting at work and got a nasty text: "Point taken. Later."

 

And one of my friends felt obligated to tell me that she's complaining loudly about me on Facebook-- something to the effect that I'm insensitive for having ****ty timing to de-friend her when her Uncle died, and that I'm a wuss and should just get over it.

 

I gotta tell ya -- there's a big part of me that is deeply regretting and second-guessing the decision to sever ties with her. Especially when I did.

 

Please, someone tell me I did the right thing, because I'm feeling like absolute garbage right now.

 

I'm trying hard to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with wanting to heal, and that she instigated all this in the first place, but nonetheless, I feel guilty.

 

Not because she's playing the victim -- that's just ridiculous -- but because cutting her off at such a vulnerable moment really does feel mean to me, and it's something totally out of my typical character.

I'm usually a compassionate, sensitive guy, and it does feel like kind of a jerk move to basically give someone the electronic finger right after the loss of a loved one.

 

Should I apologize? Have I done anything wrong?

I'm genuinely upset and confused about this.

 

Oy-- I HATE the fact that I'm a 35 year-old man having to deal with stuff that makes me feel like I'm in High School again.

 

No damn fun.

Edited July 20, 2010 by AbeFroman

[GrayClouds]

Well, I was sitting at work and got a nasty text: "Point taken. Later."

Of course she is mad, you stop playing the game she liked to play so much.

 

Of course she is bad mouthing you, your actions just told her that you CAN like with out her.

 

Of she is going to try to provoke you out of NC, her EGO just took a huge hit and desperately she wants it repaired.

 

Of course your not going to break NC, your self esteem is way to high to put your self secondary to her.

 

It is hard, but you are strong. Keep being kind to yourself.

[AbeFroman]

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

 

I needed that.

You have no idea!

 

You're the best.

 

Gotta stick with it.