sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 So after struggling whether or not to post this, I decided that I should. Keeping this to myself is very difficult, since both of us are involved with long term relationships, our relationship is so wrong on so many levels, this cannot be discuss with even the closest friends. I turn to running. I put on my ipod, go running to try to think things out, clear my mind, but half of the time, I'm crying half the time, and I do fairly long distance runs too. Anyways, to make a very long story short. I've been in an affair with a coworker (we don't live in the same city, we're interns in a hospital, but do see each other a few times a year). Met 8 months ago, from the beginning, we know that both of us are taken. At the beginning, we're like teenagers first in love, texting, IMing, as much as we can. Of course it has slow down alot in terms of those contacts, but we talk almost everyday, except weekends, when it's his family time, I need to respect that and go NC on weekends. Our relationship is not entirely emotional, it's physical as well the few times we've seen each other. This relationship is of course wrong. It is indeed very painful, and if anyone, is debating whether to start one, or even thinking about flirting with anyone that's involved, I would tell you to RUN, when people here say you ride this emotional roller coaster, we are not even kidding. I am in a very difficult situation because I am involved, knew that he's involved from day one, i have absolutely no right to be jealous. But he would sometimes talk about his woman casually with me and I frankly cannot handle that emotionally. Yesterday he showed his phone to me that there are only 2 favorites, me and his woman, I almost bursted out crying. I think the hardest thing is that, he never admits that we have a relationship. I don't know what I'm dealing with. I also feel extremely guilty towards my significant other. I dont even know if I mean anything to him at all, am I even qualify as the other woman or just some chic that he met and let him cuddle with at night. My emotion becomes very dependent on how he treats me. When he's sweet to me, I'm a happy, normal person. When he is busy and late in responding to my text, I started to suspect that he's ignoring me on purpose. I lost self confidence. I admitted to him that I don't trust him (of course, we are both cheaters, how can we trust each other?) I am not sure if he is into this purely for the physical aspect or he has any emotional attachment at all. I need to know this, because I don't want to be someone that he is only interested for the physical part. We never seriously talked about what our relationship is, and what he meant. We talked about how we didn't want this physical thing to ruin our already cloudy relationship to another level, but of course, the next day, we were in bed and he held me to sleep. I am just writing this out to release some of my frustrations. With myself. I know this is wrong wrong wrong, I am really not a bad person, I could've control my emotion and love/lust whatever it was. Could've avoid crossing the line very early on, but I did not. Whatever pain that i'm going through, I fully understand that I deserve it. I talked about this briefly in the update thread, but was worried about posting would drive harsh comments, but i guess since I got myself into all this, i deserve those comments should they appear. I just need to let this out since I can't talk about it at all.
jennie-jennie Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Yes, you are the other woman, and it is a difficult spot to be in. I wish things were simpler, I wish society was more accepting to the fact that committed people fall in love so it all did not have to take place so secretly. Welcome to LS! It is good to let it all out.
Silly_Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Hi S, what's your plan? Do you have one? Do you have a direction you want to head in? If you look out a year from now, where do you want to be? Seems to me your situation isn't sustainable, for so many reasons, not least because you are truly miserable and will not be able to deal effectively with any aspect of your life if you can't pull back some control and perspective.
jj33 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Hi Lauren. Im sorry you havent been able to extricate yourself and it hasnt gotten any better. I recall your earlier posts and you have been trying to justify this to yourself for some time. It doesnt get any better. You may need IC or something else if you are this unhappy now and the situation isnt getting any better for you. An affair should enhance your life, it shouldnt leave you in tears all the time. Take good care
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 What would you like to see happen? For him to tell you, yes we are having a relationship? That he loves and cares about you? That he wants to marry you one day and for you both to divorce your spouses so you can be together? To him, it's an affair. He can separate that from his marriage and his life with his wife. To you, it's more than just an affair. And it's starting to make you feel different towards your husband.. It's ruining YOU, changing your values, changing who you are inside. The guilt is eating at you as you know this is wrong and will be painful for alot of innocent people (your H, his W, children if they are any etc..).. So again, my question to you is, what do you want to happen? Or.. Are you trying to find the courage to end it and reconnect with your H?
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I think the hardest thing is that, he never admits that we have a relationship. That is because to him, you don't have one. Men are a significantly more able to compartmentalize when it comes to relationships. If you and he were single and he was doing this, then it would be put in the 'FWB' category. A FWB can have feelings for you but will never really see you as a bona fide girlfriend. Just because a guy is committed to someone else, doesn't mean that he is above having FWB 'relationships' or bona fide 'girlfriends' on the side - and just like a majority of guys, he won't marry every girl he dates. You are his FWB, and he isn't going to leave his SO and marry you, or even leave his SO and legitimately date you. He has you in a pretty constricted position in his life it sounds like - cutting you off from everything in his life except the time you and he are being emotionally or physically intimate (typical of FWB). If you aren't happy with him treating you like a FWB then you may want to consider leaving the affair. He is not going to prioritize you any more than he is doing now.
JustJoe Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lauren, first off,everything that I tell you goes for the OM, too. You talk about being a good person, well, you're not. You aren't being good to your SO and you are not being good to yourself. If you can't/won't end the affair, and if you can't/won't tell your SO the truth, then you need to leave your SO, so he can find somebody, who will give him the love and respect he deserves. At least show him that much compassion. Right now your whole life is a lie, and the only way to stop, is by living the truth. It's hard, and it's going to be messy and cruel, but if you perservere, you will come out the other side a good person, again, and your SO won't be stuck with a cheating , lying, unloving, disrespectful person, which is what you are now.
JustJoe Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 BTW, don't try to tell yourself that you still love and respect your SO, because that would be the biggest lie of all.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 That is because to him, you don't have one. Men are a significantly more able to compartmentalize when it comes to relationships. If you and he were single and he was doing this, then it would be put in the 'FWB' category. A FWB can have feelings for you but will never really see you as a bona fide girlfriend. Just because a guy is committed to someone else, doesn't mean that he is above having FWB 'relationships' or bona fide 'girlfriends' on the side - and just like a majority of guys, he won't marry every girl he dates. You are his FWB, and he isn't going to leave his SO and marry you, or even leave his SO and legitimately date you. He has you in a pretty constricted position in his life it sounds like - cutting you off from everything in his life except the time you and he are being emotionally or physically intimate (typical of FWB). If you aren't happy with him treating you like a FWB then you may want to consider leaving the affair. He is not going to prioritize you any more than he is doing now. I think this really hits the reality. I don't expect, nor do I want him to leave his SO and marry me, I have no intention on leaving my family. (neither of us has kids) But I do not want to be his convenient FWB. I want to be someone that he cares about, a woman that he has feelings for, just that we did not meet at the right time, and enjoy the time we have together for now. That's all I ask for. As someone here mentioned earlier, this relationship is not sustainable. I know that. I go through alot of pain right now, quite miserable, but alot of other times, I'm also very happy. He makes me very happy. It's not just the attention he gives me because frankly, the beginning of the relationship i got alot of attenton, but now, it's more like, I do little things for him, i know he need me, and just helping him out as a woman supporting her man makes me feel so happy.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 What would you like to see happen? For him to tell you, yes we are having a relationship? That he loves and cares about you? That he wants to marry you one day and for you both to divorce your spouses so you can be together? To him, it's an affair. He can separate that from his marriage and his life with his wife. To you, it's more than just an affair. And it's starting to make you feel different towards your husband.. It's ruining YOU, changing your values, changing who you are inside. The guilt is eating at you as you know this is wrong and will be painful for alot of innocent people (your H, his W, children if they are any etc..).. So again, my question to you is, what do you want to happen? Or.. Are you trying to find the courage to end it and reconnect with your H? I do not know what I want. If i know what I want, it would be so much easier..... I do want to reconnect with my H. I cannot find the courage to end this, I just can't. It is not kids drawing something on the chalkboard where an eraser can just simply erase things. My feelings/emotions with him unfortunately is quite deep. This is so sad, I wish I could say that I have no regrets and this is just an event that happens in life to make me learn a lesson, but the truth is, I wish this is just a bad dream and when i wake up in the morning, I won't remember who he is and what he means to me.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Hi S, what's your plan? Do you have one? Do you have a direction you want to head in? If you look out a year from now, where do you want to be? Seems to me your situation isn't sustainable, for so many reasons, not least because you are truly miserable and will not be able to deal effectively with any aspect of your life if you can't pull back some control and perspective. I don't have a plan. I don't really want to think about it, it's like, I take it one step at a time. I enjoy the times we do spend together (not much), physically not much, but emotionally, I'm with him all the time. Like I always tell him, I'll be by his side, always supporting him. I get very emotional right after I see him, but after a few days, I will be okay. But then of course, it starts over again when I see him or if my lack of self confidence cause me to suspect him of not caring about me or ignoring me. Indeed, I'm quite miserable. I don't understand why I have no control over this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 But I do not want to be his convenient FWB. I want to be someone that he cares about, a woman that he has feelings for, just that we did not meet at the right time, and enjoy the time we have together for now. That's all I ask for. I don't see him as the guy who will be this for you. This is the guy who might care about you, but won't prioritize you in a way that you would like.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 I don't see him as the guy who will be this for you. This is the guy who might care about you, but won't prioritize you in a way that you would like. Maybe you are right... I'm not sure if I need him to put me in his top priority. I will always understand that his family will come first, I don't mind being 2nd fiddle. But I need to know that I have a place in his heart, no matter how tiny it is, and hopefully, I'll be the only one other than his family.
Jilly Bean Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I will always understand that his family will come first, I don't mind being 2nd fiddle. That's pretty honest, pretty sad, and I think, pretty representative of OP everywhere.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Please don't take offense to this, I mean this in a caring way, but you need to get some counselling to figure out why you've reached out and allowed yourself to become close to another man, and neglect your own husband and marriage. Something is broken inside of you, to want to and be OK with being second fiddle. Have you considered his wife's feelings? Your husbands? One day this IS going to blow up in your face, possibly you'll lose both your H and your MM. You'll be alone.
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I think you need to figure out what he provides you that your SO does not. I think you need to figure out why you are so willing to take crumbs from a man who is really too far away, too committed to another, and too busy to have a relationship with you. What is missing within you and your life and your relationship that makes this man an obsession in your heart and thoughts that you need to run long distances while crying? Love is not suppose to hurt. Love is suppose to make you feel strong and happy and supported and at peace. You have a lot to sort out. You are projecting emotions and feelings into a long distance relationship with very little substance, IMHO. Please consider individual counseling (IC). I wish you peace in this process.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Come to think of it, I dont' think I really am in a position to be in this kind of relationship. I simply cannot handle the emotional part of this. I am fine usually during the week when we are in contact, I know he thinks about me at times, and that's all it matters. But when it comes to weekends, I started to have doubts, strong doubts. Is it that hard to send me a text out of the 48hrs? I also get very emotional immediately after I see him. It's a mixture of really missing him, sadness, etc. Counseling seems like a good idea, I briefly looked online and i cannot believe how expensive they are.
JustJoe Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 It's curious, but you don't mention your H very much. Your poor husband.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I am fine usually during the week when we are in contact, I know he thinks about me at times, and that's all it matters. But when it comes to weekends, I started to have doubts, strong doubts. Is it that hard to send me a text out of the 48hrs? I also get very emotional immediately after I see him. It's a mixture of really missing him, sadness, etc. No, it's not hard for him to text you. He's chosen NOT to. Chosen to spend time with his wife and close you out during that time. If you choose to stay in the affair, you need to accept your role as the OW and not expect or hope for much. Know that when you two aren't together you aren't on his mind. I'm not saying this to hurt you or make you feel worse, but the reality is, in your situation, your MM can push everything out of his head, depending on who he's with. Just because you think of him 24/7 doesn't mean he is. Why aren't you focussing on your husband more? I'll tell ya, your H probably knows something is "off" and quite hasn't put his finger on it. I wouldn't be surprised if he suspects something is up. Your moods, and how emotional you are, and distance from him too emotionally. How are YOU going to react and what will you say if your H confronts you? Will you tell him the truth or deny the affair?
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 No, it's not hard for him to text you. He's chosen NOT to. Chosen to spend time with his wife and close you out during that time. If you choose to stay in the affair, you need to accept your role as the OW and not expect or hope for much. Know that when you two aren't together you aren't on his mind. I'm not saying this to hurt you or make you feel worse, but the reality is, in your situation, your MM can push everything out of his head, depending on who he's with. Just because you think of him 24/7 doesn't mean he is. Why aren't you focussing on your husband more? I'll tell ya, your H probably knows something is "off" and quite hasn't put his finger on it. I wouldn't be surprised if he suspects something is up. Your moods, and how emotional you are, and distance from him too emotionally. How are YOU going to react and what will you say if your H confronts you? Will you tell him the truth or deny the affair? I don't know... i ask myself this at times. He has done nothing wrong. It's not his issue at all, it's all because I'm selfish. I let myself fall for another man and ruined my M.
JustJoe Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Then Lauren, stop being selfish and think of what is going to happen when you two are found out. Because the chances of this not being discovered are almost nil. If you can't be an honest , good and faithful wife, let your H go free to find one, before this blows up in your face and the decision is taken away from you.
LostMe Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Hey S&L, I know exactly how you feel and I can tell you that nothing he ever gives you will be enough. If he starts texting you at the weekend, then what? You'll be happy then? Or will you start wanting him to want to see you more? And if if he does, then what? You'll be happy then? Do you see where i'm going with this? If you're emotionally involved to this level, you won't ever be able to handle this kind of arrangement. You'll always feel like you'll mean less to him than he does to you. It's something I realised myself and I've asked my xMOM for NC and he's not happy but he's respected that i just can't be friends. Focus on you, your H and your M, that's real life and if you can fix it, it will make you happier than this situation ever can. Good luck and hugs.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I don't know... i ask myself this at times. He has done nothing wrong. It's not his issue at all, it's all because I'm selfish. I let myself fall for another man and ruined my M. I'm glad you're being honest with yourself and not blaming your husband for your choices. When he does find out the truth, OWN it. Take full responsibility for your actions and be accountable for what you've done. Sure, all marriages have issues, we all have needs at times that our spouses don't meet. The key is communication and letting your spouse KNOW and allow them the chance the change and put more effort in. To choose to not say a word and then go off and cheat IS selfish. No good can come of this, as you know. You borrow money, or spend what you have now wisely. Counseling can be expensive, so shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with and maybe isn't as expensive. Please, don't use the "I can't afford therapy" line.. That's a total cop out.
Author sarkandlauren Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Hey S&L, I know exactly how you feel and I can tell you that nothing he ever gives you will be enough. If he starts texting you at the weekend, then what? You'll be happy then? Or will you start wanting him to want to see you more? And if if he does, then what? You'll be happy then? Do you see where i'm going with this? If you're emotionally involved to this level, you won't ever be able to handle this kind of arrangement. You'll always feel like you'll mean less to him than he does to you. It's something I realised myself and I've asked my xMOM for NC and he's not happy but he's respected that i just can't be friends. Focus on you, your H and your M, that's real life and if you can fix it, it will make you happier than this situation ever can. Good luck and hugs. This is exactly how I feel... I just never thought about it to this level... in fact, he had mentioned this to me before. He said that I have no idea how spoiled I am and that I always want more and more. Yeah, what if he text me over the weekends, sometimes he does, it does make me feel better, but is it enough? No. I want him to mean more to me than he means to me. I really dont' know how I can let this 8 months to get myself emotionally involved to this level. I thought I could easily just wipe him out of my mind, and I've tried that before, but it didn't work very well. I said to myself, okay.. we'll just take this one step at a time, enjoy what we have now, no strings, no commitment. We don't see each other all that often, at most 3-4 times a year. But I guess I'm weak, I fell for him. ALOT deeper than I thought I would be and could handle. I know that it won't or should not make any difference should I decide to end this, whether or not to know that during this 8 months, if he's purely in this for the physical. I really want to know if I ever meant anything to him? Any emotional involved at all? I need to know this for closure. I find it hard to believe that someone is willing to invest so much time for the very infrequent physical that we can get 2-3 times a year!?
kuma Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I find it hard to believe that someone is willing to invest so much time for the very infrequent physical that we can get 2-3 times a year!? You're feeding his ego. He'll keep you forever if you let him.
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