wondering....

[hurts to breathe]

I have never posted on a message board before but have been reading them a lot lately and think maybe someone can give me advice. My story is basically this...I have been with my husband for almost 16 years (married for 14) and we have two children. We are now in process of getting a divorce. All of this started with him telling me he needed space and time to find himself. He wanted trial separation but financially we were stuck living in the same house. So basically we were still together but not together. He didn't want to try working on the relationship during the separation. Just see where we were down the road and maybe start working on it then or file for divorce depending on how we felt at that time. I didn't understand how he could expect me to just wait around for him to decide if I was worth it or not. I wanted to give him time/space but it was so hard. It made me start to wonder what went wrong. I over analized everything and wanted to talk daily. This only pushed him further away. Eventually we went through all of the stages of grief. He seems to have stopped caring about anyone but himself even though we are both going through this. In the end I was unable to deal with the separation and all of the hurt so I tried to get him to talk to me about whether or not we both even wanted to try to work on this. We decided that we did not. So we will be getting a divorce. He confuses me by saying that "maybe" this will be for the best but still will not talk about even trying to start over. It is so hard for me to stop acting like I love him. He says it is hard for him too but this is what he wants. He says he still loves me and cares for me but won't even say Thank you if i do something for him. Am I fooling myself in believing that maybe when the time comes he will not want a divorce or do I just need to move on????

[hopesndreams]

You are missing one very important component in all this. Do you need 3 guesses?

[hurts to breathe]

I guess I am not sure what you are talking about????

[hopesndreams]

Have you been a complete monster to your H? That could be one reason why he would need space away from you. Another reason could be he has found someone else of interest.

 

Can you list any other possible reasons?

[2sunny]

99.9% of men who say and do the things he is saying/doing are having an affair.

 

even if you don't think so - he is.

 

stop chasing him. he will run further away.

 

sit him down and tell his sorry a$$ you know what he's been up to and you want him OUT of the house NOW!

 

then get your life back by getting that divorce finalized. start living and being happy.

 

this is what you owe YOURSELF! he's never going to give you what you need - so start giving it to yourself.

[sugarmomma]

What 2sunny said.

[hurts to breathe]

@ hopesndreams

Have I been a monster? No. Am I perfect? No. I am not saying I have made no mistakes in 16 yrs. i have had my moments too.However I have forgiven him for some horrible things (lying, cheating, etc.). I have never once even came close to straying in 16 yrs. He admits he has hurt me very deeply and uses that as the main reason he is doing this. he claims he doesnt know how to stop hurting me. I want to believe he is telling he truth but come on..He just can't admit he is doing this for himself. I think he doesnt want to be tied down anymore. He still will be because we have 2 boys but he has to learn this himself.

 

@2sunny

At first I did believe there was an other woman. I don't see how he could have time for her though because he still comes back to the house everyday after work and sleeps until it is time to go to work. He would never bring someone into the house while the boys are home so it seems impossible that he would have time to be seeing someone else. In the past when he cheated he lied a lot about where he was and why he was gone. The excuses just did not make sense then. Since he cheated he has by his own accord always told me every detail about where he is going and who with. I have not caught him in a lie about his whereabouts since then. I am not stupid enough to say no 100% there is noone else. Been there done that and won't do it again.

 

I know I am being pathetic and want to stop. I have stopped showing him that I want to make it work. I am the one that said "enough" I can't let you hurt me anymore. I asked him to find a place to live and he asked that he wait until he hears back from the apt manager before I make him leave since his only option is to stay with his mother if he can't stay here. Because I still love him like an idiot I said yes. I keep falling back in with his needs and not what I need. I am trying to hold my ground but it is so hard. The good thing I am seeing come out of this is he is starting to see just how badly he has hurt me and how badly he treated me. Maybe it will help both of us to heal knowing we have made some resolutions in the end.

[RedDevil66]

Hurts: I am so sorry for your pain. I feel for you.

Sunny is right thought, most men will not just leave like that. There is usually someone else and if he's cheated in the past, it's more than likely he's doing it again.

Cheaters are SUPER crafty when they lie so you may not even see signs.

 

My ex and I were together 11 yrs and he came home day out of the blue and said "I don't love you and I'm leaving"

I asked if there was someone, he denied like mad and I also didn't see any signs. He was home or working.

Well turns out, he was having an affair for an entire year. He left me for her but lied about it.

 

I did what you did, I begged and pleaded and he ran further away. When I finally gathered my self dignity, I walked away and never looked back. What happened? He came begging for me back over and over. It was too late, I didn't want him back

I moved on.

 

If you want him back, let him go. That's all I will say and a HUGE hug for you

[hurts to breathe]

Thank you everyone for your great advice. I think I knew what I needed to do it just always seems better to hear someone else say the same thing you are thinking. As I can not financially afford to stay in the home we are currently in without two paychecks I too am moving out. I started packing today. I took down all of the pictures of us and our family first. I then started separating things into mine and his. It hurt at first but then as i went on the pain lessened. I know I can do this on my own it is just very scary and stressful. I have made sure of one thing since the official decision for a divorce and that is to make sure I do not let him talk to me in the same way as he did before. I am working on letting him know what behavior is acceptable toward me now that I do not have to worry about making him mad and him just leaving me. I think this is finally sinking in with him. I am also trying to make sure he does not see me at my weak points either. I don't want him to see me doubting the decision. He makes it look so easy to just shut all of the emotions off and move on with life. I know I will come out of all of this a stronger person. I just have to start making decisions for me and my boys and stop worrying about him. Agian thank you everyone.

[cavedweller]

Hurts,

 

He is seeing another woman....

[hurts to breathe]

Cavedweller

I want to believe he is i just don't see how he can be. I see every penny of his paycheck so I know he is working when he says he is. I know everywhere he goes when he does go somewhere. It always checks out. He sleeps until he has to go to work and comes straight back to the house after work. His only day off is sat and even now it is spent with his family. I want to believe he is because maybe this will make more sense but as stupid as it sounds i really dont think he is. I know he will probably prove me to be naive in the end. I have even checked up on him just to make sure but it is always the truth. I want to believe somewhere inside him is the man I married but maybe i have been blind to him all this time.

[wrencn]

I am in a similar situation as you. You will feel much better once you aren't in the same house as him. Don't make the mistakes I've made: still having sex, talking about the relationship and so on. Don't look back. Best of luck to you and you kids!

[hurts to breathe]

Wrencn

Sorry to hear u are dealing with this too. It sure sucks. Unfortunately I have already made those same mistakes. I will say i think the sex part was easier for me to deal with than him even though he said it would be harder for me. I just made myself believe that each time was going to be the last time ever so I just enjoyed it and then let it go. To be honest it had kinda been that feeling for a while with me so I guess I had grown used to the feelings. We arent anymore though and it is probably for the best. I only say probably because I have nevr been with ANYONE else so I don't know how to feel about it. I am trying really hard to stay strong. Everyday that passes my heart feels less heavy. Someday maybe I will heal. Good luck to u with ur situation.

[bonpaw2008]

So sorry Hurts your story sounds very familar. You will have good days and bad days Stay strong for yourself and your kids. Know that you did nothing to have him treat you like this. He will see what he lost, but it will be too late. Best of luck to you in your journey.

[hurts to breathe]

I have an update to report. Apparently I can be a monster too! We had the worst fight we have ever had last night. What little chance there ever may have been is completely lost now. We actually reached the point where when he threw something towards me I thought he was trying to hurt me and so in my defense I threw what I had at him. After all was said and done what he threw was not going to hurt me and I over reacted completely and threw something at him that actually hurt him. Then we ended the night by saying horrible, hurtful things to each other. Today he won't even look me in the eyes because of how badly I hurt him. He told me I crossed a line last night and he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for it. I feel horrible because I do still love him and don't want to hurt him. Did what we say last night have truths to it? Yes only they were the kind of things you should never say to someone no matter how much it is true. Were we both in the wrong? Yes. I finally can see that we really are ending almost 16 years because we are not good together and not because he is a horrible person. We do love each other and probably always will. We are just not good together. We will both be much happier when we are not treating each other this way all the time. Mind you him just agreeing with everything I say is not fun either but I think after some time has passed we will reamin friends in the end and not just be cordial to each other because of the boys. I had to see myself at my worst, see what I am capable of doing to someone with my words to see that maybe I did have more faults than I realized. I think he has come to the same conclusion as me on this subject. Maybe we can finally make each other happy by giving each other the chance to be free and see where our path leads. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. Now I must internalize some things about myself and decide how to make me a better person for myself and my boys.

[hopesndreams]

I have an update to report. Apparently I can be a monster too! We had the worst fight we have ever had last night. What little chance there ever may have been is completely lost now. We actually reached the point where when he threw something towards me I thought he was trying to hurt me and so in my defense I threw what I had at him. After all was said and done what he threw was not going to hurt me and I over reacted completely and threw something at him that actually hurt him. Then we ended the night by saying horrible, hurtful things to each other. Today he won't even look me in the eyes because of how badly I hurt him. He told me I crossed a line last night and he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for it. I feel horrible because I do still love him and don't want to hurt him. Did what we say last night have truths to it? Yes only they were the kind of things you should never say to someone no matter how much it is true. Were we both in the wrong? Yes. I finally can see that we really are ending almost 16 years because we are not good together and not because he is a horrible person. We do love each other and probably always will. We are just not good together. We will both be much happier when we are not treating each other this way all the time. Mind you him just agreeing with everything I say is not fun either but I think after some time has passed we will reamin friends in the end and not just be cordial to each other because of the boys. I had to see myself at my worst, see what I am capable of doing to someone with my words to see that maybe I did have more faults than I realized. I think he has come to the same conclusion as me on this subject. Maybe we can finally make each other happy by giving each other the chance to be free and see where our path leads. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. Now I must internalize some things about myself and decide how to make me a better person for myself and my boys.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Emotions are running high and it makes for a volatile situation.

 

Don't lose sight of the real reason he wants a divorce. He's a quitter and more than likely a cheater. You don't have to be friends with him and then watch him move on happily with his new life, without you in it. H*ll, you don't even have to like him.

 

Less pain and suffering in the long run if you NC him now and only talk about the kids. It's a shame you still have to live with him. As long as you are both under the same roof, you won't find any peace.

[hurts to breathe]

dreams`you are correct and i finally told him to stop and think about the things I said and if he has ever said some of the same things to me. He said yes and I said then stop acting like this because even though the things i said hurt they were all true and what hurts you most is that they are true. I know we need to make the split final. We only have to stay in the same house five more days and then I am moving into my new place. As weird as it sounds right now I am kinda glad we are stuck together because we can deal with all of this all the way through instead of one of us getting mad and then leaving with it unresolved. We have come a long way in our ability to communicate and that is a huge step to making the rest of our lives easier since we do have two boys to raise. That just opened my eyes to some things about me that scared me. I didn't know I could be that kind of person to someone I love. We have talked through everything there is to talk through and I truly believe we are ready to make this transition separetly together and go our own ways mutuliy. I know in my heart my feelings have changed and at this time I do not see us working or me even wanting to see if it could. We both need to heal from the hurts and loss to see who we are on the other side. We do bring out the worst in each other now where as we used to bring out the better in each other. No one should be in a relationship if they are both truly unhappy. It is unfair to both of you.

[hurts to breathe]

Okay so we took our son out for chinese for his birthday dinner tonight. At the end we all get our fortune cookie and mine and both of the boys is the typical corny fortune inside. My husband reads his and won't share it with anyone. So I take it from him and read it. It says the following: Cherish what you have and don't want for what you lack. I burst out laughing because the look on his face was hilarious. He was so like of all of us why did I have to get this fortune. He didn't really think it was funny but he was smiling about it. I think it was awesome that he got the only one that even sounded anything like an actual statement someone would say and believe. I did learn that we will be okay when it comes to being around each other for the kids because we were able to enjoy the meal and not have any tension filled moments. All in all so far today has not been a bad day. I know I will still have the roller coaster thing going on for a while. Do have one question for you guys. Why does he feel like he has to keep what he is doing with the kids when he has them a secret? I mean do I really care that he is taking them swimming on Friday? NO, I am just glad to see them spending time together having fun. Oh well, I just try really hard to let things like that roll off of me.

[hurts to breathe]

So like the idiot I am I gave in last night and we had sex. I told myself i was fine I understood things would not change. he is still leaving the house on Sunday after we drop the boys off at camp, right? I still don't want to work on our relationship either, right? I can't wait for him to leave right? I am lying to myself!!!!! I want none of the above. Everyday we get closer to sunday I want to start begging again. How pathetic am I that I would even settle for what we have right now than try to live without him? I know sunday night will be so hard. my boys will all be gone and i willl be all alone). I am going to try really hard to keep myself together and part with a bittersweet smile pasted on my face. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know I have to do it though. I wish I could be inside his head right now. He keeps saying outloud the same stuff and I cant figure out if he is trying to confince himself or me with the words. He keeps sayong he wants to make sure i am okay and this is still what i want. I just look at him and say yes to both even though i am lying and my heart is breaking. I sometimes wonder if i am missing a chance to say yes and him say okay lets work on us together but i think deep down he just wants to see me wantinghim to stay or hearing it. Well once again thanks all for listening. I didnt think so but posting on here helps a lot.

[hopesndreams]

So like the idiot I am I gave in last night and we had sex. I told myself i was fine I understood things would not change. he is still leaving the house on Sunday after we drop the boys off at camp, right? I still don't want to work on our relationship either, right? I can't wait for him to leave right? I am lying to myself!!!!! I want none of the above. Everyday we get closer to sunday I want to start begging again. How pathetic am I that I would even settle for what we have right now than try to live without him? I know sunday night will be so hard. my boys will all be gone and i willl be all alone). I am going to try really hard to keep myself together and part with a bittersweet smile pasted on my face. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know I have to do it though. I wish I could be inside his head right now. He keeps saying outloud the same stuff and I cant figure out if he is trying to confince himself or me with the words. He keeps sayong he wants to make sure i am okay and this is still what i want. I just look at him and say yes to both even though i am lying and my heart is breaking. I sometimes wonder if i am missing a chance to say yes and him say okay lets work on us together but i think deep down he just wants to see me wantinghim to stay or hearing it. Well once again thanks all for listening. I didnt think so but posting on here helps a lot.

 

Congrats on making things so much easier for your H to leave you and the kids. He gets to leave and feel good about it. He is smiling and chuckling to himself. Well done!

 

Enough!!

 

Why are you taking a super sharp knife, running it all over your body, lightly cutting yourself and then at times, sticking it in your heart and twisting it?

 

He is leaving on Sunday and there is nothing you can say or do now to prevent it from happening. You have done all you could. He has made his decision. He has treated you horribly. Get angry, for your own sanity, for your own emotional well being. Otherwise, you are just opening up yourself to a whole world of pain. You do not have to be his friend. What a kick in the teeth eh? After all those years of togetherness to now just be his friend? That is unacceptable and very damaging to your psyche.

 

Do you think when he leaves that will be the end of it? Think again. No doubt he will come round to shoot the breeze and whatever else he feels like doing, whenever he wants because you allow it. Only a sadist is capable of doing this to someone he loves/loved.

 

How pathetic am I that I would even settle for what we have right now than try to live without him?

Your self-esteem has taken and is taking a beating. You feel failure and rejection. It hurts. TONS. Deal with that pain NOW and have no more future pain from him.

[hurts to breathe]

Dreams-wow if I ever need a wake up call again I know who to talk to. Thank you. I know all of the things you said are true. I have been alternating between beating myself up and moping all day. Your analogy was spot on. I keep telling myself that I just vwant to enjoy some happiness while I can. Maybe I am the sadistic one?!? I just want to make the pain go away. I am sure I am losing my mind!!! I will get it under control eventually I know when he walks out the door sunday that will really hit me. when he walks it will make me stop everything with him but for the kids because if he can actually walk away then I will know I deserve better. I wont be waiting for him to come around again.

[hopesndreams]

It's a shame your thread isn't getting more attention. You need so much more advice than just what I can give.

 

You're not the sadistic one. Don't ever think that. You are in so much pain and sometimes, it's easier and it's a respite from such pain, to just go with the flow and hope for the best.

 

Your brain needs to do the thinking and not your heart. It is really tough for that to happen.

 

I want to smack your H for being a supreme jacka**. You just wanna hug him.

 

With time, self-reflection and knocking him off his pedestal, you will feel the same way as I do.

[2sunny]

i'd bet money he's seeing someone at work... someone who is married. SHE probably can't find time outside of work without getting caught.

 

stop interacting with him - at all. it will only hurt more. make him live the life he's created. and stop having sex with him. you are rewarding his bad behavior and it's only likely it will make you feel used. don't do that to yourself. you deserve more than that.

 

make him move today! take your power back and tell him to get out. sunday's not soon enough - this is a man that has said he doesn't want his life with you any longer... so make him move.

 

start checking his phone, email, and bank accounts, credit cards. anything and everything.

 

if this is what he wants - make him do it today!

[hurts to breathe]

dreams-Thank you for you concern. I am trying to work through all of this. I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time and not project into the future. I know I need to see him for who he really is being but it is so hard. I thought I had that part under control but I don't. I am slipping further back each day I get closer to Sunday. I thought I had sorted through everything and was on the same page with wanting the divorce but I was only fooling myself. I have not shown or told him that I have changed how I feel (except for the sex part). I keep getting these mixed signals like he wants to tell me he was wrong and wants to work on it but I am trying to make my heart say NO that is not what he is saying and even if he was YOU don't want him back if he is going to treat you this way. I feel like a bomb waiting to go off. I just want to find a way to let it all out and get it over with. I know I need to work on myself but it is so hard. I am so scared of Sunday and not just because he is leaving but also because it will be my first night completely alone. It is so hard to adjust after having slept in the same bed with him for almost sixteen years give or take some nights in the past and now to know I will be sleeping all by myself every night from now on.

 

2sunny-Not that I am an idiot but how does someone have an affair with someone while they are both at work? I know they could sneak off and do whatever but he works in a fast food place and I don't see how that could work. Maybe I am just nieve.I know that he works with some women but mostly men. There is only one married woman that he works with and it could be a possibility with her but I am not sure. Also she worked at one of the other stores previous to the last 2 weeks and she only worked at his store because they closed her store for good. (she was a crappy manager) She did quit because the transfer meant she had to be demoted and have her pay cut. On an other note I don't really see how he could have time because he really does sleep until about 15 mins before he has to be at work (even though it makes him late everyday) and he comes home within the amount of time it would take to drive home. You just made me realize that there were a couple of times he had to "stop" by the other store after closing, on his way home, for some reason or another. I had put that out of my mind until I was typing the previous stuff. I would not be suprised to find out that he has been cheating on me. He has done it once before. I really want to believe he is so that maybe then I can hate him. I have checked his phone, email, etc almost daily since the split and I have not found anything at all. He has no credit cards in his name (yes I have checked his credit record so I know he didn't open one without telling me) and I have always handled the finances so I know every penny that is spent. I would make him leave (and no this is not just an excuse) but we promised our boys when we sat them down to tell them about the separation that nothing would change until after they went to camp. I have tried so hard to make this as smooth as possible for the boys. I will do anything in the world for them and if I have to suffer through this until Sunday then I will. I am sure my H is taking advantage of this fact so he can hang around longer. I am making him leave the very night that the boys go to camp even though he has still not found a place to live. He has two weeks to get his **** together before the boys get back from camp and find a place so they can come see him when he has them. I told him if he is only staying for the boys then he will have no reason to stay after they are gone. I will be moving next weekend so i will be busy packing and working. I am hoping to keep my mind very busy. I will be with family next weekend too so that will help. I am trying to hang with friends and family but it makes me feel pathetic to be so needy with them. I don't want to take time away from their families either. I know how important it is to spend time with them.

[hurts to breathe]

So tomorrow is THE day! I am somewhat in better place to handle it now. The hurt is still there but I sure got the anger now too. So yesterday I checked his phone and there was a received call from the stupid girl. I was so mad!!!!! Later we were talking after he brought the boys home and someone from work called about some issue, a girl, I can tell by hia tone of voice, anyway I was joking about him having girls calling already so I asked if he had talked to the girl since she quit on Thursday and he lied to my face. I even gave him a chance to admit it but no he didn't. I wanted to slap him right at that moment. I am sure this is the right thing now. Especially when he asked me tonight if I was going to be okay and I said yes are u? He said "I am positive I will be okay". Slap in the face to me. Well I told him I never thought I would literally die when he left me and that yes I would be okay without him. I am tough and I will make it through this. He thinks he is reeling me back in eith the sweetness but he is just pissing me off. It is okay for him to believe I won't make it but not okay to say it. He said it was hard not tell me loves me all the time but just habit breaking not to call or text me all the time like before we split up. What the @#$%%, how did talking to me become just a habit? Well will keep strong until he leaves cause I am done showing him i care. Wish me luck.