Serenitynow Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Ok ladies, Say you meet a guy and start talking on the phone, or go on a date or two. While you are getting to know each other, how would you react to a guy that says to you . . . " if you feel we arent a match down the road, just let me know, I'm not gonna get mad, just be honest. " Do any of you think that puts you in an akward situation by talking about that stuff openly, or do you prefer putting it all out there and clearing the "early date jitters" Especially since many women prefer to drop hints/ignore if they lose interest. How would you react being cornered like that, forced to address such a topic face to face ? Could that ruin the date just bringing it up ? .
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Especially since many women prefer to drop hints/ignore if they lose interest What kind of hints do they drop?
SilentVoice Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I would personally rather the straight forward method since it is most like myself. I am not one to drop hints or wait for them.
Author Serenitynow Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Especially since many women prefer to drop hints/ignore if they lose interest What kind of hints do they drop? Take a gander at the below thread, and see how many women admit to dropping hints/ignoring guys when they dont want to date him anymore. You can ask them why they do it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237004/ .
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 That's not upfront. That's negative. It would bother me because I would see it as both a sign of unhealthy attachment (Let's worry about down the road, down the road!) and negativity (Why is he worrying about problems before they begin?).
kalikula Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I like guys that are upfront... If I'm not feeling it I would be direct and let him know. I only wish the guys that I have dated would do the same to me - instead of dragging it out- so I wouldn't have to waste my time!
tigressA Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 That's not upfront. That's negative. It would bother me because I would see it as both a sign of unhealthy attachment (Let's worry about down the road, down the road!) and negativity (Why is he worrying about problems before they begin?). Seconded. I would find it a huge turn-off, for these exact reasons.
sugarmomma Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 That's not upfront. That's negative. It would bother me because I would see it as both a sign of unhealthy attachment (Let's worry about down the road, down the road!) and negativity (Why is he worrying about problems before they begin?). Yea what Zengirl said. Negative vibe.
Author Serenitynow Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 That's not upfront. That's negative. It would bother me because I would see it as both a sign of unhealthy attachment (Let's worry about down the road, down the road!) and negativity (Why is he worrying about problems before they begin?). Thats what I mean. One person could take it that way, and another could be totally cool and agree with it. Its such a fine line that people have to walk in the beginning of dating. But should you really alter who you are, what you say, just to keep the person from walking away ? Thats where the game playing comes in. People walk on egg shells until the dating is established, then the real personality shows through. .
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Take a gander at the below thread, and see how many women admit to dropping hints/ignoring guys when they dont want to date him anymore. You can ask them why they do it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237004/ . As soon as you notice the hint they are not interested, that is your cue to move on. Some people hang on hoping the other will change their mind about them. That's not a healthy way to think. As for the original question...NO. Do not bring up the "if you are not interested in me, tell me" baloney on a first date. If that were to happen to me, I would think he was insecure.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) Take a gander at the below thread, and see how many women admit to dropping hints/ignoring guys when they dont want to date him anymore. You can ask them why they do it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237004/ . Ah, for the record, I thought that thread was mostly about the beginnings of things (like a guy asking you out---not someone you're dating), and so my responses there apply to that. I don't believe in radio silence. If I've gone out on a few dates with a guy, I'll tell them I'm not feeling it, usually, if they keep asking me out. They won't get it "in person" unless we're actually dating and/or he's someone I really want to keep as a friend for some reason, but they'll get a clear No, thanks. Thats what I mean. One person could take it that way, and another could be totally cool and agree with it. Its such a fine line that people have to walk in the beginning of dating. But should you really alter who you are, what you say, just to keep the person from walking away ? Thats where the game playing comes in. People walk on egg shells until the dating is established, then the real personality shows through. This is going to sound worse than I mean it, but I don't think healthy people feel the desire to say those things. Truly healthy, happy people can go with the flow, let tomorrow happen tomorrow, and not dwell so much on that possible negativity they need to bring it up. So, what I think people should alter is to make themselves happier, healthier people who worry more about themselves and less about dating -- even while dating. Edited July 18, 2010 by zengirl
sweetjasmine Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Ok ladies, Say you meet a guy and start talking on the phone, or go on a date or two. While you are getting to know each other, how would you react to a guy that says to you . . . " if you feel we arent a match down the road, just let me know, I'm not gonna get mad, just be honest. " Do any of you think that puts you in an akward situation by talking about that stuff openly, or do you prefer putting it all out there and clearing the "early date jitters" Especially since many women prefer to drop hints/ignore if they lose interest. How would you react being cornered like that, forced to address such a topic face to face ? Could that ruin the date just bringing it up ? . That would bother me - not because I don't like straightforwardness, but because it seems like an odd thing to say. It would make me wonder why he felt the need to say it. It would make me think that he already views me as someone who wouldn't be straight with him and who would play games. I already know to be honest about that kind of thing. I don't string people along. Someone reminding me to do what I already do while we're on a date, trying to get to know each other, and having fun would totally kill the mood.
Author Serenitynow Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 So in other words, to turn it around. It would be the same as being on a first date with a girl, and her just coming out and saying . . . " you arent expecting sex just because you bought me dinner right ? " Theres these unspoken thoughts that go on in peoples heads, but we arent supposed to talk about them. According to normal society guidlines. Everyone is supposed to put on their "date face" like we dont have any negative experiances under our belt, and treat each date like its our first, with no knowledge that the person could totally screw us over .
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 " you arent expecting sex just because you bought me dinner right ? " No class. "date face" Be respectful, kind and considerate. Don't bring up grievances, exes and sh*t from your past. A first date should be pleasant. If it isn't, then there won't be a 2nd date. If that is a "date" face, then so be it.
sweetjasmine Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 So in other words, to turn it around. It would be the same as being on a first date with a girl, and her just coming out and saying . . . " you arent expecting sex just because you bought me dinner right ? " Yes, that would also be a "uhh why did you feel the need to say that? Why are you already assuming the worst about me?" moment. Theres these unspoken thoughts that go on in peoples heads, but we arent supposed to talk about them. According to normal society guidlines. Right, just like you don't say, "You know, your nose is a little crooked, but I guess that's okay. It's not, like, a dealbreaker or anything. But it's funny-looking." Oh, the horror. We're being suppressed. Everyone is supposed to put on their "date face" like we dont have any negative experiances under our belt, and treat each date like its our first, with no knowledge that the person could totally screw us over Would you rather go on a date with a woman who seems happy to be there and willing to have fun with you or with a woman who asks you a list of ridiculous questions about the possible ways you might f-ck her over because her exes were pieces of sh-t and she doesn't trust men anymore?
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 So in other words, to turn it around. It would be the same as being on a first date with a girl, and her just coming out and saying . . . " you arent expecting sex just because you bought me dinner right ? " Theres these unspoken thoughts that go on in peoples heads, but we arent supposed to talk about them. According to normal society guidlines. Everyone is supposed to put on their "date face" like we dont have any negative experiances under our belt, and treat each date like its our first, with no knowledge that the person could totally screw us over . Honestly, some people really don't even go around thinking or worrying about things like that. I know when you do, you feel like you have to think and worry that way forever (I've been there), but really, you don't. Societal norms are just trying to set up ways for unhealthy people to act like healthy people. Now, we use all these little tricks instead of trying to actually address and cure our insecurities and issues day-to-day. You don't have to pretend you've never had a negative experience, but it doesn't need to be at the surface, bubbling up. You should have come to terms with them, dealt with them in a healthy way, and accepted them as part of life.
sweetjasmine Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 You don't have to pretend you've never had a negative experience, but it doesn't need to be at the surface, bubbling up. You should have come to terms with them, dealt with them in a healthy way, and accepted them as part of life. And this is why the question in the OP would be off-putting. Think about it this way: how would you rather be treated on a date? Would you rather your date assume the worst about you because they're afraid you'll hurt them? Or would you rather they take a risk in giving you a chance to show them who you are?
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 IMO instinct needs to be employed. You should not use this "upfront" pre-emptive groundwork as a blanket line for ALL girls in early-on dates. If you have the girl talking about honesty and being upfront and being realistic about relationships (as opposed to saying things more on the lines of idealistic or easy going about love and dating) I think it's fine to go that road of thinking. However, definitely word it better. Don't use the "down the road" part... pose hypotheticals or your opinions within a topic of discussion. If "dating" comes up. Say something like "You know, if two people aren't matched, or one person feels they aren't matched to another - they should be able to tell each other without any hurt feelings" and at the end of that you should probly ask her viewpoint. This way, she knows you think along these lines and wether she agrees or not with the premise of open and honest without caring too much about feelings, at least the notion has not been applied implicitly upon you two and your dating.
carhill Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 My first thought (man here) is what man in his right mind would go to the negative ('if we aren't a match') out of the gate. Here's my version, practiced on my dates since being separated. 'I like a woman who is candid and tells me how she *feels*' 'I was married for ten years. It didn't work out but I liked being married and hope to be married again someday' Over, done... and on to the fun. If that sends them to the exits, wow, I saved a lot of time and money. More food for the cat
harmfulsweetz Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I like people that are upfront, about everything, from what they want to gain from the R, i.e sex, love etc, to whether they are happy with how things are progressing. However, if a guy said that to me, I'd instantly wonder what made him say that, and would feel negative about the whole thing. I think people need to take a more laid back approach, i.e. go with the flow, see how it pans out, deal with that issue when or if it arises. I may also question just how into me this guy is.
Gattica Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Thats what I mean. One person could take it that way, and another could be totally cool and agree with it. Its such a fine line that people have to walk in the beginning of dating. But should you really alter who you are, what you say, just to keep the person from walking away ? Thats where the game playing comes in. People walk on egg shells until the dating is established, then the real personality shows through. . I have stated something similar in the early stages of dating with one person. He was coming on really strong (we were only talking on the phone at this stage) and I stated that we should just see what happens. I said that maybe we would start a relationship, maybe we would just be friends, or we might find out we can't stand each other...LOL. I then mentioned that while in this discovery process if he finds he loses interest or it isn't working for him, let me know and I will do the same.
Pfiend101 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I have said something similar early on in past relationships. The girl agreed to say something. She didn't when it was coming to an end. Looking back she began distancing herself from me. The kicker was she would say things like "You're the best" "I'm so lucky to have you" then dropped Hiroshima on me and I felt like I was slapped in the face and saw nothing coming. A week later there is another guy in the picture. It all boils down to people doing what is easiest for them. It's easier for most to tell a lie for their own good then be upfront and honest.
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