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Worst 7-8 weeks of my life... Should I give a second chance? Thoughts appreciated.

Broken_Man

By Broken_Man
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Broken_Man New Member

Broken_Man

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This has genuinely been the worst 8 weeks of my life...

 

If you can spare 10 minutes get ready for a big read - I'll split it up into 2 posts; the relationship and then after the break up.

 

Relationship

 

I met my gf almost 4 years ago, at university. She was starting her degree, I was starting mine. We had started being a couple about Christmas 2006, she was 17 and only a few weeks away from being 18. I was 19 at the time. It was safe to say this was our first big relationship. Everything was great, hanging out all the time, long phone calls and chatting online etc...

 

I had to leave university due to personal circumstances and had to work full time. So for between March '07 ~ Sept '08 I was working in pretty poor jobs, with no real prospects. In August '08 my personal circumstances improved, and I applied and got into University again. I had to turn my life around because she was on the road to becoming a professional, and here was me working in dead end jobs. I went back to university for her, for our future.

 

So yeah, the relationship was amazing, very intense. On average we spent about 4-5days a week seeing each other, some weeks it was 6-7 days. We both were so in love, we used to talk about our future, about marriage and our kids names, we had chosen where we wanted to live when I graduated as we both would be on very good salaries. We had even chosen what to do with the spare rooms until the kids came into our life etc. The relationship seemed perfect.

 

Our perfect future - great jobs, great house, great life. I was going to propose at the end of the summer, and I knew she would have said yes as we had spoke about it quite frequently.

 

She was always incredibly jealous of any girls in my life, past or present. Any time i got a new job she used to grill me about everyone that worked there. I was the first person she had ever slept with, she unfortunately was my second. So she used to bring up the girl I had slept with before she was even in my life. All the time. She had no reason to be jealous though, I am a genuinely nice guy, I am honest and I am loyal. My only real problem is my trust issues, but I trusted her more than anyone I have ever done in my whole life.

 

About 8 weeks ago I got a tip off from a friend that she has been cheating on me. Say this was on a Tuesday. I confronted her, she denied it and I believed her. She went out with girls from uni on the Wednesday night. On the thurs my friend gives me proper details, guys she has slept with, situations she has been in, she had been kissing random guys and swapping numbers when she used to go to clubs and parties, even text my friend when she was drunk to meet up for sex.

 

I was blown away. I couldnt believe it, couldnt understand it. So I done some digging on thursday morning, phoned a few people to try and get the story confirmed. No luck. I went over to hers, and the first thing I get hit with is "What are you doing phoning blah blah asking about his friend?" Before I even got to hers, word got around i was fishing for that info. I confronted her, she said they were only friends (this being the first day I had ever heard of his name - so a hidden friend really) and that I had no right to drag people into this. It was a long day, but she had me convinced my source was wrong and we had a normal day, went our for dinner, had the best sex and then a cosy night in.

 

On the drive home on thursday night I phoned my best friend who had been giving me the info, he said she was lying again and it did happen. Friday came, I picked her up and we went for a drive and chat, it finally came out, she had admitted to sleeping with 3 other guys when she was drunk and just kissing people etc when she was out. It appears she had to be drunk to make excuses to do these things.

 

I was DEVASTATED. I broke up with her, and in a moment of weakness I sent her an email on the sunday telling her that I wished her well with her new career (as she was graduating the in 2-3weeks) and that I hope she manages to resolve her issues which she clearly has. That was it, I was done.

 

About a week later, she contacts me, asking if she can give me stuff i've left at hers. I told her its only DVD's etc, just keep, bin or burn them. We both had boxes we kept with stuff that the other person has given us or things we had done etc and I gave her that box back on the day we split up. She wanted to show me her box with all the memories of me inside it, to prove she does love me.

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Broken_Man New Member

Broken_Man

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Posted (edited)

After the break up

 

We meet up on Sunday night and talked for HOURS. she tells me that after we split her friends had booked up to go on holiday just to get her away from it all. She was leaving on the Tuesday. So during the chat we spoke about things and she wanted to prove her worth and wanted us to be 'exclusive' with each other until we can build on the trust for a proper relationship. That night only ended because she got a call from her mum asking what the hell she was doing talking to me, its over as there has been too much damage done. She got forced to go home.

 

While she was away she had been texting me every single day. Throughout this week my friends really were supporting me but got in my head and made me feel I should cut all contact with her - and rightly so. The Tuesday she came back we met up, and I had every intention of cutting all contact, as did she. We spoke for hours again in her car, then it just happened. We had sex again. Brought back a lot of feelings for both of us, so we decided not to cut the contact, and pretty much every day for 2 weeks we were meeting up at night, talking and having sex etc as it felt natural...

 

It wasnt like normal conversation, it was mainly me getting my frustration out, hounding her about what she done, how it happened, why it happened, where it happened, everything like that, I was absolutely grilling her. I want to know every single detail.

 

Pretty much she felt for the 3 and a half years that she wasnt sure if we were going to last, if I was the one for her. And she didnt want to feel like she had missed out on being 18-19 as she was just starting to go out clubbing with her girls etc and not getting that experience - her uni friends were single and doing it. Just chatting to guys, kissing them, swapping numbers etc.

 

She done it because of her insecurities and her very low self esteem. She told me that when a guy was showing interest it made her feel good, made her feel wanted. She said she felt when I was giving her all the compliments that I HAD to say that stuff only because we were going out.

 

She said she didnt appreciate me until she lost me, then she finally realised how much she had hurt me and others around us. She has been meeting up with me every other day, and still sits there as I grill her and get all my emotions out and she keeps on coming back. In a sense I feel I keep doing it to push her away, so I can see I dont mean all these things to her that she keeps on telling me.

 

She's now 21, and is having to become a responsible person; a professional. She has said that she has matured and realised how selfish and stupid all of her actions have been. She says she is so lucky that I am still around giving her this chance she really doesnt deserve. She seems like she is happy to commit her life to me, eager to stop what she used to get upto.

 

I can see a change in her, I just dont know if its enough. She wants to prove to me that I am the only one for her, and that she is certain of that. She admitted that it would be SOOO much easier to find someone new and start a fresh relationship - where there isnt this disgusting past between them, where friends and family will be on a fresh start too.

 

We both know if we are going to work this out its going to be horribly difficult for quite a while. She is really determined though, she's still here after the constant hassle from me. She is a beautiful girl, so she would have no problem finding a new man. Guys throw themselves at her. I dont understand why she would bother sticking around for me if she didnt genuinely want to change? She is technically free, so this would be the ideal moment for her to be living this single life or going to move on with a better looking guy or whatever...

 

It's clear that I love her, and I genuinely do miss her to an extent, and a part of me feels like I need her. I feel all my peers are forcing me to make my mind up either way (cut all contact or give her one more shot) because they see how much torment I am putting myself through right now.

 

So, now to where I am in my head and why I am posting here...

Why is she still around if she doesn't want to make an honest go of the relationship?

 

Does she deserve a second chance?

 

Can an honest relationship be had here if she does actually become mature and honest?

 

As it stands right now, we are in contact and she has labelled what we are doing just now as "Seeing each other". I believe I am only around for a limited time, if I cannot trust her any better than I do since we broke up then this wont work, no matter how much either of us wants it to...

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thanks for reading all that, there is probably a lot I have missed, but I need to get that out and get some impartial and experienced views on this.

 

I know I'm not a stupid person, I'm in line for obtaining a Masters in a few years if I still keep at uni the way I am now, but I feel like this is a moment of weakness, like I am not a stupid person but maybe I am having a stupid moment...

Edited by Broken_Man
Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted

Why are you back with a girl who admits to cheating on you with numerous guys?

 

Man up, dump her, and move on to someone faithful.

 

This girl is trash, and now you have shown her you have no problem accepting and tolerating her infidelity by being back with her.

Div Established Member

Div

Posted
Posted

Oh god man. DO NOT DO IT.

 

I have been in the exact same situation and I can tell you what will happen.

Right now she's feeling extremely guilty for what she has done, and the only way to cure her guilt is to make you like her again.

 

I can tell you that if you get back together, things may be fine for a while but I guarantee she will cheat on you again in a few months when the fresh smell of the new relationship wears off.

 

She's trash man.

Iselia Established Member

Iselia

Posted
Posted

Why is she still around if she doesn't want to make an honest go of the relationship?

Ask her. If you doubt the answer she gives you, run. It may be what the above poster said, as soon as the new~ness of the relationship wears down she'll go right back to cheating.

 

Does she deserve a second chance?

This depends on how bad she hurt you, and if you can actually trust her again. In my opinion, it doesn't seems like you could ever trust her again. She hurt you badly, with plenty of reason. She cheated on you more than once, after all.

 

Can an honest relationship be had here if she does actually become mature and honest?

It could be possible, but seems really really unlikely. If you truly love her, and truly believe she can change/won't cheat again, then yes a relationship is possible. But the key is, she has to mature and be more honest. Has she proven this to you yet?

Username37 Established Member

Username37

Posted
Posted

The trash can is over there man.

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Broken_Man New Member

Broken_Man

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Posted
Why is she still around if she doesn't want to make an honest go of the relationship?

Ask her. If you doubt the answer she gives you, run. It may be what the above poster said, as soon as the new~ness of the relationship wears down she'll go right back to cheating.

 

I ask her this very often. She tells me that she genuinely wants to be with me, she can't see herself with anyone else and that because she loves me SOOOOOO much. She says we were always meant to be.

 

I want to believe that after the amount of effort she is putting in by sticking around, I know I'm not making this easy for her. Anyone with the wrong intentions would have given up ages ago and just moved on. At the same time, I dont want to believe her just to protect myself.

 

Does she deserve a second chance?

This depends on how bad she hurt you, and if you can actually trust her again. In my opinion, it doesn't seems like you could ever trust her again. She hurt you badly, with plenty of reason. She cheated on you more than once, after all.

 

I believe people can have experiences that change them for the better, and for the worse. I also believe not everyone can change. So really I just want to guage which category she falls under.

 

Can an honest relationship be had here if she does actually become mature and honest?

It could be possible, but seems really really unlikely. If you truly love her, and truly believe she can change/won't cheat again, then yes a relationship is possible. But the key is, she has to mature and be more honest. Has she proven this to you yet?

 

I do love her, it's been pointed out through my counselling that I obviously love her unconditionally. Which was a positive when we were in what I felt was a loving, committed serious relationship. I believe a big loss like this is an eye opener and can change most peoples views. She has to become mature as she is now a teacher as of August. More responsibilites than just herself now.

 

Thanks for the input everyone, I appreciate it.

 

So yeah I had taken the split very badly. I assassinated every feature of my life to try and find reason to why this happened. I turned my whole life round for a future with this girl. So after a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that it must be how I look. Every other aspect of my life I can change (and pretty much did change) except physical attractiveness.

 

I've asked her since and she reassures me it certainly was not that as she is very attracted to me, she said she doesnt understand why it all happened because she had everything so good with me. She didnt truly appreciate what was right in front of her.

 

So yeah as I hinted before, I took it really personally and decided to arrange a session with the counselling section of the university. I had no idea what to do, what to expect. I think its good for me to just have a way to release all my feeings with an impartial person. I am a secretive guy who keeps everything to myself, thats a reason why everyone sees me as one of the most trustable people they know. So I cannot really approach my friends and hit them with the full story, the full explosions of emotions running through my head. I've been twice now, and have another arranged for this week.

 

She has been on holiday for 2 weeks in America, she's still got another week to go before she comes back. We've been emailing every other day, and try and catch each other on msn/ facebook chat whenever we can (normally once or twice a day). I counted just there, and there is just about 80 emails in the past 2 weeks, on top of the instant messenger chats. Here is a small snippet from one:

 

"...Things I have done to you in the past have been horrible. Unforgiveable. Disgusting. Horrendous. Shocking. All of the above. But you saying that you can try and build trust and relationship after has honestly made me feel so unworthy. So gracious. So ****ing lucky to have someone like you actually want to be with me. Cheating on you is the worst mistake, choice whatever I have ever made. I don't even know what would be going through my head to make it acceptable. It wasn't. It never has been, would be.. Whatever..."

 

I dont know what to think. I dont see why she could be bothered telling me things like that if her intentions werent to fix this and make it better? There is no point going through all this hassle and torment if she really didnt want to make an honest go of it, is there?

 

One last thing, she has quite a lot of friends on facebook. I told her that a lot of the guys on there seem quite random and I know some of them used to be in the same circles as some of the guys she has slept with / guys she has kissed on nights out. I asked her if she really loved me could she delete them... She hit back with something like 'Who i have on facebook shouldnt be a measure of how much I love you!'

 

Was I wrong to ask her to delete all the meaningless guys? In my head I was justified as I am insecure about them because I know than these guys can/will get bored and horny and start private mails/chat, try and charm there way into false friendships to get their ultimate goal, easy sex. I know this happens, I have a few friends who do actually do just that.So I was thinking if she really would do anything for me to make us work then this shouldnt be a problem. Facebook will die out as a passing phase in a year or two so I dont understand whats the hassle if she really has long term sights for us, facebook shouldnt even matter to her if we are going to have a serious long-term relationship. What do you think?

 

As you can tell, my head is everywhere, thanks again for taking the time to read and make comments :)

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
Posted

Broken - you really need to bend over and punch yourself in the balls. Or else I'll do it for you!

 

You're weighing the depth of her regret? Who CARES how remorseful she is?

 

She didn't have a ONS after a fight. She had sex with NUMEROUS men, and all behind your back.

 

She is telling you these things, as your forgiveness will give her the green light to repeat her actions.

 

So, she has proven to you a few things:

 

1 - she is a great liar

2 - she is selfish

3 - she is comfortable as a betrayer

4 - she didn't honor your commitment

5 - she didn't value you, or your relationship

 

WHY are you even considering taking her back? If you do, plan on her cheating again. Because honestly, you're acting so weak and spineless about this, you're only enabling her to cheat on you again. And she will...

 

You are young. This is not the last girl you will meet that you care for. But, never compromise self-respect in the name of "love".

ResetReality Established Member

ResetReality

Posted
Posted (edited)

Right,

"She done it because of her insecurities and her very low self esteem. She told me that when a guy was showing interest it made her feel good, made her feel wanted. She said she felt when I was giving her all the compliments that I HAD to say that stuff only because we were going out."

If she ever loved you she would never feel the need to attract other guys, It seemed that you had a very nice period when everything was comfortable and no doubt you showered her with compliments and love, So why did she say this?

 

Didn't YOU make her feel good?

Didn't YOU make her feel wanted?

 

"She said she felt when I was giving her all the compliments that I HAD to say that stuff only because we were going out."

 

Complete and utter B.S, she trying to justify why she did by trying to make it seem like you caused it, very selfish indeed

 

She not only cheated on you once but THREE times, if she had any respect for you what so ever, after the first time, when she sobered up and found out what she had done, she would of been feeling extremely guilty and would of realized then that it's YOU she wants, but no, she didn't, she did it a further two times, so, to me, if she cheated once, maybe you could forgive her, she slipped up, we all do, but three times? no bloody chance

 

You're put on the spot right here

 

Times like these you find out what sort of person you are, ATM is shows that you're lacking pride, self respect and dignity

 

Are you that sort of person? I doubt it very much mate, it seems like you have your head screwed, don't let this girl ruin everything for you! and she sure as hell will.

 

End it now, my ex dumped me to spend more time with her mates, even though I never stopped her.

 

I WILL NEVER TAKE HER BACK, on principal alone, and there's you, willing to take your EX back after shes been around the block

 

I may come across as harsh, but if she truly loved you, you would not been in this mess right now...

 

PS. She has had her cake, and if you take her back, she will be eating it too

Edited by ResetReality
DustySaltus Established Member

DustySaltus

Posted
Posted

 

One last thing, she has quite a lot of friends on facebook. I told her that a lot of the guys on there seem quite random and I know some of them used to be in the same circles as some of the guys she has slept with / guys she has kissed on nights out. I asked her if she really loved me could she delete them... She hit back with something like 'Who i have on facebook shouldnt be a measure of how much I love you!'

 

She sounds very remorseful. :rolleyes:

 

So I was thinking if she really would do anything for me to make us work then this shouldnt be a problem. Facebook will die out as a passing phase in a year or two so I dont understand whats the hassle if she really has long term sights for us, facebook shouldnt even matter to her if we are going to have a serious long-term relationship. What do you think?

 

Facebook doesn't cheat on people. People cheat on people. Whether or not "facebook" is a part of her life does not change the fact that she cheated on you not once....not twice......but THREE times.

 

Don't answer her calls, delete her from facebook, block her emails and anything else. There are other women in the world. You don't need someone like this within 1,000,000 miles of you.

 

....and you know this.

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