A love triangle of sorts.. and saving face

[TheNextLawyer]

Hello everyone. Been a lurker here for ages. Really enjoy the site and find it of great interest and help.

 

My situation then. Long long story, but hopefully my writing skills will keep you with me till the (latest) end.

 

In a nutshell - a girl who appears unavailable and not into me, but still wants to be friends... A case closed or not?

 

>

 

The background:

 

PART 1

 

Me and a couple of male friends would go to a pub quiz held in a city district on sundays. We would never do that great but would try our best.

 

About two months ago, we notice a large group of girls sitting next to us. One of them, who I will call *alexa* (not real name), turned round and smiled at all of us constantly during the quiz. My mates exchange a few words with her, although I was pretty quiet.

 

I almost set up a date on my mobile, but was told off by the quiz master for suspected cheating. I make myself a bit of a clown, and my mates and alexa laugh. This happened twice.

 

At the end of the nite, I was tempted to run after her and get her number, but thought "maybe next time".

 

PART 2

 

We again meet up for the pub quiz, one friend from before *patrick*, and a few others. I'm in a bubbly mood and feel good. Even better that alexa is there again, with her girlfriends plus some male friends.

 

Before the quiz started alexa went over to the bar and introduced herself. She then proceeds to hand over the quiz answers to us, and we to her group, blatantly to flirt with patrick. She also smiles over to the rest of us.

 

I say to another friend, *brian* that I was hoping she would come round again, and sure enough she did. So I resolve to get her number this time.

 

No opportunity presents itself in the pub. I almost chicken out, but then think "**** it", and go into the car park. I wait for her friends to say bye to her, and then walk over to my car, but then stop to 'accidently' say hi to her.

 

I got her number, make a joke about me being *malcolm the second" (as in a king who has the same name as a previous one).

Now the crunch bit. I at first wanted to propose a one to one date.

But the nerves and her uncertain body language – compared to her easiness earlier in the pub made me overthink.

I say.. well howabout a bowling get-together in town.

She says yes – all of us together.

I say yes – but maybe a smaller group.

She says yes, and we have it set up provisionally.

As I tell my friends back in the pub, casually that I have her number I feel calm.

But then I admit that I mentioned how Patrick my friend is always shy to come to things, and I have to press things.

Bernard thinks that wasn’t a great idea, as I have set up Bernard in her mind as being interested.

PART 3

After a few texts back and forth a bowling date takes place.

I had just got back from the continent by plane that same day, and had hardly any time to prepare.

I’m quite relaxed when meeting one friend, and strangely bump into an old flame on the way.. funny eh?

Then I see my other friends who agreed to come along . The girls, along with alexa are last to come.

During the date I make a point to tap alexa gently on the shoulder and do a bit of hand slapping as in team work, and make some lighthearted jokes.

I play the fool effectively, but am shakier on other ground, namely that I have no job. This bit is important later..

At the end of the night we went for drinks, although I drink alcohol and alexa doesn’t.

I get into another awkward conversation over what foods we like. She says she is a veggie. I bring up how I like fruit dumplings – a speciality my mum makes sometimes.

She calls that ‘weird’ and I try to say ‘ well ham and pineapple pizza would sound weird but is popular…’, forgetting she just said she was a veggie.

Then the crunch. I contrive to meet her outside on our own.

The body language isn’t great again. She doesn’t smile too much unlike earlier.

I then produce some theatre times on papers. Crumpled papers, as I had left my jacket carelessly about during the bowling. I make a joke about them that falls flat.

She says she will consider the times and get back to me. Alarm bells go.

TBC very soon.. reply if you want during that time, but I will be back with more in next 20 mins..

[TheNextLawyer]

>>

PART 4 – The Downer

Two nights after the bowling I text alexa to ask her how it all went. I joke there will be a bonus text message, alluding to another one to finalise the theatre. I was half hopeful here after the manner of the previous arrangement.

She says they had a great time, her and her friends. She thanks me for the theatre idea but would like to be friends rather than dating.

I get a bit upset. Against my head, my heart – despite less than 3 hours time with this girls – rages.

I have a big chat with my foreign friend who goes on how some girls eyes shine but they are not much within. But he also says just to except she is just a friend and not try anymore.

I drink a lot that night, but normally that doesn’t have an effect on me. I’m quite emotional anytime of day/nite depending on the situation that might crop up.

I go home. Try to sleep. Think about her message.

Then I reply. Badly.

“Well I don’t see us as friends in any way. I am a very stubborn, open type, and there were lots of signs you didn’t care for things that I do personally.

The constant questions about what people do for a living was the nadir (i.e. low point). At least the lads had a good night. Best wishes with your ambitions, Malcom.”

Hmmm.. Not great. Did I really send that. Check out box.. yep.. Ouch.

I then show this to my mates the next afternoon. They think I was over the top.

Bernard sends a text on my behalf to say I am actually happy to be friends, and am sorry.

I then spend the next couple of hours trying to make light of the situation. When I take it bad, I really take it bad…

 

PART 5

 

I then eventually hear that a colleague of Alexa’s who happened to be my friend Carlos’ twin sister – Carlos having gone to the bowling date – reported back that Alexa felt she was ‘right to say no’ Nothing more than that.

I have since checked a thread here saying how its best not to say why they reject.. because it can make things even worse.

I figure it could be any reason. My lack of job and sadness over it. My over touchy feely manner. My contrived theatre date. Or just that she never wanted me in the first place, but liked me enough to want to be friends.

I then quickly move on. Another date comes and goes with someone less intelligent and pretty than alexa, but more stuck up. At least that’s how it seems to me, who am I to judge someone from one date. It went nowhere. But never mind

I make some female friends at a college course, I feel good about my body language walking down a street. I’m a sexy 20 something, no need to worry about 30 something alexa who might well have different priorities.

 

PART 6 – so why call it love triangle? Here’s a bit more to explain that query!

 

So Alexa is done and dusted. I still feel bad over the SMS, but we all make mistakes.

Then it comes to a garden bbq party at my friend *steve*’s. He was the other one who was with me the first time I saw Alexa in the pub quiz.

Apparently she has been in touch and wanted to come to the bbq.

So bridges are not burned after all.

It seems obvious the main reason is to see Patrick. He didn’t come to the bowling and she asked about where he was at the time.

He doesn’t come in the end. Overworked. Well partly his choice with the career he does, partly the climate, partly the people he has to negotiate with.

But it’s a chance to be civil with Alexa. She is nervous when saying hello to me, but I am likewise so.

I say a few things to her, mainly one liners. Let her do the girly chat with Steve’s and Benard’s girlfriends. I can’t help listening to her speak about her life, even though she is really talking to the girls. I’m always Mr Curious – always prefer to listen than to make great speeches (enormous emails excluded).

It was a good night and the right team won the football despite it being an ugly World Cup final.

The final goodbye from Alexa and her friend Sindy was sweet. Well to my friends it was relaxed. A hug and a kiss on the cheek.

With me, I see a look of nervousness/ pity/ compassion / something as Alexa hugs me. I feel “well, we are friends now I guess – though she won’t be impressed with me anytime soon after my sms”.

Edited July 18, 2010 by TheNextLawyer
font type faces getting in way

[TheNextLawyer]

PART 7 – Full circle -- I mean full triangle.

Barely a week later, we are meeting alexa and sindy again. It’s at this interesting place in town which is a bar underground with separate chambers to lounge about in.

I say hello to everyone, and am pretty serious looking with alexa, not to be difficult, just thinking of the last time we parted. She quickly shakes my hand and we don’t speak for best part of two hours.

I’m feeling tired and don’t get going for that time. Everyone is getting drunk while I have heavily diluted vodka/ juice drinks.

The big deal is again whether Patrick will turn up. We anticipate the time he is likely to be ‘released’ from work. A cruel drinking game is devised.

Alexa draws the short straw. After a certain time she has to drink a nasty cocktail.

Patrick is late. Alexa loses…

Patrick is like a zombie. A shy, delicate person he is barely able to string many words together. But he still gets a lot of attention. An instant kiss on the cheek from alexa who hasn’t seen him for 6-7 weeks.

It ends up that Patrick chats to me with alexa next to him. I don’t really look much at alexa or disturb her. Any conversation with me would come from her initiative.

She can’t drink her cocktail. Patrick tries a bit and is flustered. The stench of the thing is overpowering. I am not too tipsy and volunteer. I neck the stuff.

I don’t get sick. But I Have to get some soft drinks very quickly. I go over to the bar, meet some cute women ever so briefly and return to the alcove/ chamber.

Alexa has been bubbly with everyone all night. She exclaims “He [Malcolm] is alright!!”

I don’t react, try to look modest, not that it was a big deal to play down anyway.

Now relaxed and chatty I am very sociable with the entire group of 12. I make joke after joke and throw in quips with playing the fool etc etc.

I make alexa laugh more than ever before. But don’t expect much, and let her do her pursuing of Patrick – a shy man, like I said, who never really flirts obviously, but has had chances a many from doing just that.

At one point, Bernard closed the curtain to the chamber to let alexa and Patrick ‘get close’. They don’t exactly. Just more shyness from Patrick, and a bit of frustration for alexa, although she seems to love playing the huntress.

The night eventually ends and we walk to the taxi rank slowly.

Alexa hugs and kisses everyone on the cheek, including me. No look of concern from her this time. I reckon I am safely in the friend zone now.

 

PART 8 – what next? Your thoughts

Well it seems I have little chance at the moment with alexa. In some ways I was over her, but there is a friendly chemistry it seems. Having said that she is bubbly and outgoing with everyone it seems.

I have other girls who interest me, but the fact I got her number in a dark car park and she didn’t flake on the bowling date seem to make me still think about her weeks later in a romantic sense.

The advice from Bernard was to take my time. I am looking for a long term relationship ideally, and he thinks the best chance for me is to be friends with her, and see if it comes off within a year.. more and maybe its just not meant to be.

Having said that Bernard was keen for Patrick to get it on with her that night. He is just that bit closer to Patrick than me, although maybe more down to knowing each other since age 2. I feel my friendship with Bernard is excellent, and a big part of my happiness in life given lack of success with girls and finding a decent job.

Steve also felt the friendship thing was the way to go. Although he is very unpredictable with views, verging on hypocritical, but I still need to confide in him.

So I feel at this hour, unless Patrick takes some initiative it might be a case of her pursuing him indefinitely. This happened with previous female friends, and eventually they moved on.

On one hand I want Patrick to be happy. If he gets together with alexa, fine.

On the other hand, I don’t give up easily, and maybe she will not match with Patrick. If that happens, maybe I’m still in the game. My idealism/ optimism makes me thing I could turn the low point of the text into something good with her. But then again I have seen way too many rom coms in my life..

Your thoughts.. Be honest? How much has this happened to you? Do you play the waiting game, or try to revive something quickly? Women, please give me any instances where you might have given a guy a second chance after he was clearly overly nervous the first time? Or you found the male friend more attractive over time, and was open to some dating?

Thanks,

‘Malcom’….

Edited July 18, 2010 by TheNextLawyer

[hopesndreams]

You need to work on your self-esteem. Getting a job will help tremendously with that.

[TheNextLawyer]

Just the one reply. Seems if I write war and peace I get little change for my keyboard pounding.

 

Well in response to the girl who replied:

 

Self-esteem is something that is open to debate I reckon. I think I have a lot to offer, but have rationalized my way out of good opportunities in the past, so have not gone through as much dating experience as say Bernard or Steve in my story.

 

Job hunting is a royal pain in the ass too. I have had the odd interview, but it's still tough out there. My friend Patrick has done so well for himself, has security, and yet doesn't feel too confident with women. So I'm not 100% sure your theory holds. But it would appear my negative honesty about having no work to Alexa didn't help my cause.

 

Would really like some more replies. I hope my story entertained you a bit, I did try to make it read well, being into writing anyway.

 

Malcolm

[hopesndreams]

You're in competition for the affection from Alexa. Not healthy, and very damaging to an already low self-esteem.

[TheNextLawyer]

Ahem... so what is healthy? Having a maiden who is not wanted by anyone else, who doesn't think she is sexy, and just hopes someone might notice her? That would be no competition, but also hollow. Also having a friend after a girl is not a bad thing, at least you would wish the best for them sooner rather than later.

 

I think you are mistaking my self-deprecating writing style for total desperation, neediness etc. I will admit I'm not feeling great about this particular situation, but I have had easier times in the past with women. But the big equalizer was that both of us were at college and didn't have jobs yet.

 

I would be glad for Patrick if he took the bull by the horns and got a woman. If it was Alexa fine. But until that is happening, I am not thinking of giving up 100%. Life is short and sometimes you have to work hard for less reward. But I just want to get back into the swing of things. If I get a serious girlfriend great, but I'm just aiming to get some decent interest, and consecutive dates. One step at a time.

 

'Quietly confident' is how I was described by teachers back in the day, and I haven't changed my manner all that much.

 

Anyway I have lurked on the board and got indirect advice, now I would appreciate some *substantial* direct advice from whoever has had comparable experiences.

[hopesndreams]

Ahem... so what is healthy? Having a maiden who is not wanted by anyone else, who doesn't think she is sexy, and just hopes someone might notice her? That would be no competition, but also hollow. Also having a friend after a girl is not a bad thing, at least you would wish the best for them sooner rather than later.

 

This is a warped way of thinking.

 

Sorry to bother you with my indirect advice.

[TheNextLawyer]

I really don't believe that you've never been after the same man as a friend of yours..

And maidens are very rare - that was my point - dating is competition for someone's affection. Otherwise where is the excitement of having someone officially??

 

And no I don't mean your advice here, I mean I lurked on the board and got advice that way. So I need some more direct advice in this thread. As in someone else. The advice so far is meant well, although I don't quite see the point you are making. But I wouldn't say you couldn't help other people, you have contributed many posts.

 

A PLEA IN GENERAL- tone in a piece of text/ IM is open to interpretation, since there is no body language/ voice to make it clearer. Do give the benefit of the doubt. So much easier.