Lou2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I had been seeing a married man for11 months. Never been involved with an attached person before he came along. He chased me and over time I weakened I developed an attachment to him as he made me *cliche alert* feel like no other has before. I know this is what everyone says but its true. I dont believe most people set out to get with an attached person the attraction is so overwhelming because the married person is exeptional not just talking about charm but certainly in my case we shared so much in common and he mentally stimulated me like no other and sexually he blew my mind. I know this is put down to the fact that its more intense due to the situation but we just clicked. Anyway at the start I maintained that it could and should only be about the sex. I tried to keep a measured distance but it just didnt work, we would text email and call each other constantly and before I knew it I had fallen head over heels. This made me feel completely powerless where at the start I had felt quite powerful. Over the next few months I started to obsess about his other life and am ashamed to say became hateful of his wife sometimes as she had something I did not. At the start i felt guilty and very sorry for her. I became depressed and couldnt concentrate on any other aspect of my life. Where prevoiusly i had been confident with lots of friends and a good job I found it hard to get in to work or even talk to friends because i didnt want them to judge me. i ended up taking two weeks off work sick to try to sort myself out but instead of staying away he kept ringing and coming round which really didnt help. i felt in love with him, guilty about her, angry with myself for allowing it to have such an affect and bitter at the prospect of yet another night alone in a cold bed. i am 29 with my life ahead of me and look good and am intelligent. how had it come to this?? physically i started to let myself go and would burst in to tears and get panic attacks especially at night and weekends when i would be on my own or else after an evening of sexual 'fun' where i would fake a smile then dissolve as i closed the door behind him and he went back to 'her'. in the end i had to end it because if i didnt i think i would have ended up topping myself no lie. i am recovering slowly but there is a raw pain in me that feels it will never totally leave. not just a pain at missing him but at having let myself down. he had no children and it turns out he had two affairs before me and his wife had also been the OTW before he married her so not a good sign. i would really urge anything thinking about this not to bother i was a strong woman before this started up and look how i have turned out. i must be completely honest and say that a small part of me is hoping he will come back but i know that even if this did happen it would probably be a disaster. i am proud that i had the courage to end it but would appreciate any ideas on coping after the affair. thanks.
BB07 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I'm so sorry for your pain Lou.......but you have done a brave and wonderful thing, you ended it. Hugs.......and welcome to LS. You will survive this and be better for it.
desertmoon Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Welcome, to LS Lou! You have done the right thing for you. Hang in there! It will be a bumpy ride emotionally, but like everything else you will heal from this.
Ellin Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hi, Lou! I think you've done the right thing and that shows how wise and strong you are (STILL!! as much as ever). That's why I'm sure you'll get through this and one day when you look back you won't believe that you had such heartbreak over THIS man... Meanwhile, please, be good to yourself. Get rid of all this guilt and anger towards yourself, you did not let yourself down, it sort of caught you unawares, as it happens with so many people in As, but you cared about everyone involved and did the right thing in pretty good time and you should be proud of yourself. Hugs.
Patrice Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hi Lou, Yes you did the right thing. My best suggestion is writing in a journal ... feel the pain and the loss and know that you care enough about yourself to do what is best for you. Therefore, he has not completely wrecked you. He will be back ... perhaps not right away, but he is engaging in affairs for a reason. His ego needs to be stroked and he is using good people to do that. That's not love. The journal will come in handy when he returns ... you need to remember why you ended it, what it was doing to you. Hugs and more hugs ... be proud of yourself for taking the first step towards a good man, who is deserving of you.
Patrice Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Lou ... excellent advice from the master: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/
Author Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 thanks so much to everyone for your responses and welcomes. I will definitely try the journal idea. I am taking it one day at a time right now the pain is searing and I keep having thoughts of him with her and hoping they are having a bad time of it or that she will chuck him out but I know deep down that he is probably coasting along quite happily and that she is either unaware or in denial and happy to play the game. He is probably relieved this is over. I want him to feel the pain I am feeling.. I know he will not leave her for me as he would have done by now (nearly a year and no children). He said as he left one woman for another before and it caused so much pain to so many he couldnt go through it again. My reaction was why did you hit on to me then??!! and ignore me all those times before that i asked you to leave me alone. I have kept to NC and so has he, I get feelings of panic sometimes and wish I hadnt made the break as in some ways he has got away scot free and a part of me wishes i had stayed in and made life difficult. Anyway thanks again everyone for making me feel so welcome.
Silly_Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lou, you might not feel it right now but you are doing ever so well. Your take on the situation is so right and you took the correct action for YOU. You recognised the dangers and got out. Be proud of yourself for that. How are you day to day? Are you finding lots to fill your time? Easier said than done, I know, when you're dying inside but if you can 'keep on keeping on' it helps just a little. Do you have friends/family you can talk to if you wanted to? Keep posting, don't feel afraid to talk about how you're feeling because none of it will be new to the crew here and it will help you to know you are not alone. All the best. ((hugs))
Author Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 and kind words.while its not good to know there are so many in the same place or who have been in the same place its nice to know this support is out there too. I am getting by just about and know that things will improve with time but i need to stay strong.hope you are ok hugs to you all
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 By ending it, you're on the way to getting "you" back. It's amazing that you know step by step and recognize how this affair changed you into another person.. And how damaging it is/was, even better that you have the courage to end it .. For your own sanity. LOVE is not supposed to ruin one as a person. I hope with help, support and alot of love from your friends, family and people here, you can be "you" again.. And, don't forget ,counseling is a good thing too so consider speaking to a therapist.
Ellin Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lou, I understand your feeling that he got away with it and you're suffering. It's normal to feel that way. He broke your heart, even though you never asked for it and you actually had told him to leave you alone in the beginning. You want him to feel that pain, too. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts constructively. But he must be in some pain also. He can't be truly happy, anyway, as he seems unable to sustain a fulfilling relationship with anyone. As for the W, don't be jealous because you wouldn't want to be in her shoes - being cheated on constantly. The only happiness she might have with him is at best an illusion, not real. You're so much better off being out of it, and being out of it now - not years later and even more broken. Take care.
Author Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 By ending it, you're on the way to getting "you" back. It's amazing that you know step by step and recognize how this affair changed you into another person.. And how damaging it is/was, even better that you have the courage to end it .. For your own sanity. LOVE is not supposed to ruin one as a person. I hope with help, support and alot of love from your friends, family and people here, you can be "you" again.. And, don't forget ,counseling is a good thing too so consider speaking to a therapist. 'LOVE is not supposed to ruin one as a person'. So true. i feel a bit pathetic that i allowed this to go on and lived silently in the shadows hoping one day he would come and be with me and for what? that he could end up doing the same to me as he has already admitted to 3 affairs in his life! still i wish the pain would go away. therapy is probably what i need thanks for advice
cavedweller Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lou, He is going to contact you soon wanting to get back together.
Author Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Lou, I understand your feeling that he got away with it and you're suffering. It's normal to feel that way. He broke your heart, even though you never asked for it and you actually had told him to leave you alone in the beginning. You want him to feel that pain, too. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts constructively. But he must be in some pain also. He can't be truly happy, anyway, as he seems unable to sustain a fulfilling relationship with anyone. As for the W, don't be jealous because you wouldn't want to be in her shoes - being cheated on constantly. The only happiness she might have with him is at best an illusion, not real. You're so much better off being out of it, and being out of it now - not years later and even more broken. Take care. thanks ellin. the hope i cling on to most right now is that he isn't happy! and hoping that his wife isnt happy when infact i should be thinking about my own happiness and leaving them to it. i feel he 'broke into' my life without any invitation even though i was complicit after the wearing down period. i feel such a resentment towards him and her even though she is a victim in this. i keep asking myself what is wrong with me that he would not leave her for me. and why is she so god damn contented with the illusion of this ideal relationship? i never outwardly pressured him though these feelings and thoughts are my own. if he would have wanted to leave he would have done so. it is sickening but it isnt my responsibility and i really need to work on moving on. glad to have found this forum and you all on here. thanks
Author Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Lou, He is going to contact you soon wanting to get back together. thanks Cavedweller. unfortunately i think you might be right.i need to prepare for this. i was going to block his number but i am holding on to text from him incase i decide to inform the wife (bad i know) if he really hassles me that is what i will threaten him with. dont know if this is the right thing to do but triyng to think something up now before he comes back. any advice?
Ellin Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 thanks ellin. the hope i cling on to most right now is that he isn't happy! and hoping that his wife isnt happy when infact i should be thinking about my own happiness and leaving them to it. i feel he 'broke into' my life without any invitation even though i was complicit after the wearing down period. i feel such a resentment towards him and her even though she is a victim in this. If that's what helps you deal with it for the time being, then just think of all the reason why they are not happy. The day will come when you won't care any more. Your resentment is completely understandable. You're very angry and justly so - he came into your life and treated you the way you don't want to be treated. i keep asking myself what is wrong with me that he would not leave her for me. and why is she so god damn contented with the illusion of this ideal relationship? i never outwardly pressured him though these feelings and thoughts are my own. if he would have wanted to leave he would have done so. it is sickening but it isnt my responsibility and i really need to work on moving on. glad to have found this forum and you all on here. thanks Get out of this trap that most OW fall into in a situation like yours - thinking they and they love is not good enough. It's not a competition between two women! There's so many aspects in his life that cause him to make this decision, but remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, his weaknesses, fears and limitations. It's not you versus her, it's the whole situation. There can be different explanations for this, for example (just off the top of my head) - he wants to be with someone who would allow him to have As and you wouldn't. Just an example but ultimately the conclusion is always the same - it's something that is wrong with HIM. I also understand that the fact she puts up with it or settles for an illusion annoys you too at the moment but again that's because of her own needs and coping mechanisms, but even if she finished with him, that wouldn't really fix the problem, it wouldn't fix him into someone you'd want him to be, would it? Hold on... You're doing great. You'll feel better in a few days. Keep posting.
Author Lou2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 If that's what helps you deal with it for the time being, then just think of all the reason why they are not happy. The day will come when you won't care any more. Your resentment is completely understandable. You're very angry and justly so - he came into your life and treated you the way you don't want to be treated. Get out of this trap that most OW fall into in a situation like yours - thinking they and they love is not good enough. It's not a competition between two women! There's so many aspects in his life that cause him to make this decision, but remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, his weaknesses, fears and limitations. It's not you versus her, it's the whole situation. There can be different explanations for this, for example (just off the top of my head) - he wants to be with someone who would allow him to have As and you wouldn't. Just an example but ultimately the conclusion is always the same - it's something that is wrong with HIM. I also understand that the fact she puts up with it or settles for an illusion annoys you too at the moment but again that's because of her own needs and coping mechanisms, but even if she finished with him, that wouldn't really fix the problem, it wouldn't fix him into someone you'd want him to be, would it? Hold on... You're doing great. You'll feel better in a few days. Keep posting. thanks. I went away for a few days and left my phone behind. when i came back there were three texts from him and one said 'have you been eaten?' my first response was to text back and say 'no i've been away and had a great time'etc (which i hadnt) then i thought that would open up the dialogue. so i left it but it is so tough and i do feel i am alternating between emailing the wife and telling her to thinking 'i'm better off out of it and leave it be. he is in his own hell and i am free'. x
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 thanks. I went away for a few days and left my phone behind. when i came back there were three texts from him and one said 'have you been eaten?' my first response was to text back and say 'no i've been away and had a great time'etc (which i hadnt) then i thought that would open up the dialogue. so i left it but it is so tough and i do feel i am alternating between emailing the wife and telling her to thinking 'i'm better off out of it and leave it be. he is in his own hell and i am free'. x Don't email her. Say nothing to him and nothing to her. Go on with your own life and THAT's how handle it. If you contact her, be prepared for drama. How is that going to help you in the long run?
ladygaga Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Lou, I know it hurts like hell but force yourself to move on. Like me, your head is in the right place for ending it. As for the emotional aspect, force yourself to work out, put yourself out there, go drinking, watch movies, just line up tons of events for yourself every day. I called all my friends up so I have at least one person to be there for me everyday. Having human interaction really helps. Lean a little on each friend but not just one or you may tire them out. Keep very busy, I promise you that by the month is up, the emotional part will hurt so much less, or none at all. I am at week 2 over this 9 month relationship and feel a lot better now. Don't bother about this ****head, I can't believe he has the guts to bug you now and mess up your life. IGNORE. OR better still, change your number. I changed both my phone numbers and told him I was taking a month vacation to Europe. It's a lie but at least I know he won't contact me.
fooled once Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I agree - change your number or block his -- but no matter what, do not respond. Keep staying busy, staying positive. Take each day as it comes, don't look too far ahead. Hope you are doing okay!
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