scintillate Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) There are many threads for women saying this, but few for men. Many men try to act themselves out of the situation rather than talk. My first thought was "break-up," but that can be done or the phone or text. A brief history: We have been dating for about six weeks. He is a foreigner and English is not his first language. While he speaks pretty well, misunderstandings with language do and have happened. He asked me out and would call and text almost every day. He told me loved me early on (I didn't say it back), he added me as a relationship on facebook (I said I wasn't ready), and he said sometimes that I didn't call him enough and he felt like he had to push me to do things. I think these are cultural differences. I did really liked him; I just move more slowly. Anyway, things were fine until last week. I went to see my family for a week and he asked me to buy something for him. I asked if he would pay me back and he got really insulted and said that it was a bad question in his culture. He doesn't have much money and I was a little nervous. I also felt he had been bullying me a little to get them. Things were quieter for a few days and then we talked on the phone. He was tired from working to much and maybe he felt I was pushing too much to see him, I don't know. But he started sending all the regular affectionate texts again when I got back. We saw each other on Tuesday; he definitely wanted to see me because he immediately kissed me on the lips, was chewing gum, etc. I was a little quiet and we were both tired, but maybe it didn't come across that way. He said the situation we argued about was not a big deal and just a misunderstanding. We didn't talk on Wednesday and then I texted him on Thursday saying that I had booked an event for us that we'd discussed and a casual "you're quiet - everything alright?" when I didn't hear back. He texted me the next day saying that he left his phone at the store and that we had to talk. I don't feel like I was too pushy or invasive to send two casual texts. By the way, he still hasn't paid me back for this thing I got him, even though I suggested Friday. Thoughts? At this point, if he breaks it off, I don't think I'll have much emotion. Edited July 17, 2010 by scintillate
counterman Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Just wait and see how it pans out. Maybe you should break it off with him consider the cultural differences, the misunderstandings and the fact that he does seem to be trying to push you along? If I were to say that it would mean I am going to break-up with the girl OR talk through our issues and see what happens. It depends though. Just see how it goes.
hopesndreams Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 that we had to talk he still hasn't paid me back for this thing I got him He might want to "borrow" some money or get you to pay for something else he wants.
Author scintillate Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Thanks. I really have no idea what to expect with this person. I do not understand his culture and he is much more emotional than me. I think the money thing really embarrassed him. But yeah - he made such a big deal and it is still outstanding...
carhill Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Sounds like a male Hoover to me... Expect him to ask you out *and* pay for the next date, if he is to have the pleasure of your company again. That should do it. Hoovers like the path of least resistance. The 'talk' prequel is nothing more than a mind-f*ck designed to put your emotions on edge. Classic.
counterman Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Sounds like a male Hoover to me... Expect him to ask you out *and* pay for the next date, if he is to have the pleasure of your company again. That should do it. Hoovers like the path of least resistance. The 'talk' prequel is nothing more than a mind-f*ck designed to put your emotions on edge. Classic. Yes! That never came to my mind until you said it. I think I might have unintentionally done that before... ended up with my ex breaking up with me.
carhill Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Oh, another observation which led to my opinion.... how does a man who is tired from working so much have so little money that he has to have a woman buy him something and not immediately reimburse her? I understand if perhaps it's a special item he cannot get locally and she is going to be where it is, but money shouldn't be an issue. He's working; he's tired from working; this means his wallet is not empty, or it means he's irresponsible/greedy, which is generally a Hoover behavior. Hoovers (these are people who suck, like the vacuum cleaner of the same name, the life and money out of one) are generally socially gifted in the area of *talk* and the game of gaining the *confidence* of their mark, much as the classic 'con(fidence)-men' of history. Smooth, convincing lies punctuated by selected negatives ('we have to talk') designed to keep the mark off-balance psychologically. Or perhaps it's just a misunderstanding based on lack of a common language? Is that nuance incidental or purposeful? Hope the OP figures it out
Author scintillate Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Carhill - Thanks for your comments and I love the term "hoover." I lived in the UK for a few years, so it made me laugh. Anyway, the item was something that was significantly cheaper in the other state than in NYC (where I live). Also, he pays for rent and school and usually works part-time. However, his store expanded so is doing a lot of extra hours. I have no idea where or how much he gets paid. It's not easy living here on a student visa, due to the work restrictions. Not to defend him, though, because he should have immediately asked me when I needed the money. It's interesting reading your perspective. Maybe I never trusted him entirely. He was really sweet but told me he loved me within a few weeks and that he'd like to live with me when I moved, splitting the rent. I told him that I wasn't sure because I had just lived with someone, had ongoing complications from that, and needed space. Later when he asked again, I told him that if we were still dating in a few months he could, but I would not put him on the lease. I was skeptical as to why someone would want that so quickly. When I saw him Tuesday, I mentioned my moving and he said, "Oh well, what will happen to me if we break up? Where will I go?" I told him that he could just keep his place or wait longer and then we'd re-evaluate. And then he said, "Oh well, we need to talk about this" - but what was there to discuss? On the other hand, he's also been very open with me about other things. I'll see what happens when we speak. Thanks for the advice!
carhill Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 The early and fast intimacy and interest in living together, combined with the negative words designed to pull on you, like the "Oh well, what will happen to me if we break up? Where will I go?" stuff, clues me in. I recently watched a much older, nearly my age Hoover up close, doing his thing with an unsuspecting decent lady. His sister, my best friend's wife, even talked with the lady privately and clued her in. Last I heard, a couple weeks ago, they were living together, after only a couple months of long distance (like 300 miles away) dating. These guys are socially adept, charismatic and can read people like a book, especially women. What you'll see, if you pay attention, is their words always changing. Their actions don't lie, but you have to be willing to see those actions on their own merit, without the emotional import of the words. Generally, though not always, they prefer to bed a woman early, to get the emotions flowing, then work those emotions. When you speak next, expect him to have your money in his hand. If he does, listen carefully to how he handles that dynamic. It's very telling. Good luck
Author scintillate Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Thanks. I feel like I have to walk away from this simply because he didn't pay me the money back on Friday. Had he cared about me/us, he would have paid me or at least politely acknowledged it and told me it was coming. Anyway, I just felt uncomfortable "advancing" that money. In his room, he has no A/C and an air mattress. I told him he could buy a window A/C for around $99 - or get a real mattress on craigslist for the same. If he couldn't bother to spend his money on that...how would get $150 for cartons of cigarettes? I really appreciate this because it's given me perspective.
Recommended Posts