icefishinglady Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, and I love him. We are living together, but it began as a landlord/tenant situation - I have been renting from him (sharing his home) for a little over a year. We began more of a romantic relatioship approximately one month ago. He ended a relationship with a woman he was seeing six months ago. He is still friendly with this woman. I do not think that he has told her or any other "exes" that we are involved. They talk regularly and she comes over often. She has expressed to him that she is not comfortable when I talk about things that we do together, etc. As a result, when she comes over, I generally disappear and let them talk. Other "exes" are also still friends. In fact, last weekend he took another former girlfriend fishing for the weekend, deciding to stay over at a friend's house Saturday night so that they could continue fishing on Sunday. I'm not entirely comfortable with this situation for several reasons. I want him to be honest about our involvement. While I respect that he wishes to remain friends with these women, I do not like feeling that I am unwelcome when he is spending time with them. I question why my feelings seem to be subordinate to theirs in his dealings with them. And truthfully, I would consider it extremely disrespectful of his feelings to spend a weekend with a former lover and would never even consider doing something like that. I was also taken aback when he returned from the weekend away and did not greet me with any affection at all 'til the former girlfriend left. I'd be okay with his friendships, I think, if I felt welcome and felt that our relationship was the priority. I have even offered to have them stay for dinner, etc. - he doesn't want them to feel "uncomfortable". Am I wrong to expect that in light of our relationship there should be some boundaries established in these friendships, to think that if they are feeling "uncomfortable" it indicates that there is still an attachment of some sort, that OUR relationship should be a priority, and that he should be honest about our involvement? I was with my husband for 34 years (he passed away nearly three years ago). Yes, we were happy and still in love, very much so. I'm a bit of a greenhorn in dealing with this new relationship stuff! Does anyone have any thoughts regarding this? Thank you!
Cracker Jack Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 No, you're not wrong at all. He shouldn't be taking out ex's on fishing trips, nor should he be spending time with friends who aren't comfortable with you mentioning things that you do together, as if she matters into the equation, anyway. It just seems silly. He may be a nice man in your eyes an all, but his reluctance to reveal who you really are to him in order to maintain other friendships with past women is pretty selfish. I think you need to make this clear to him whenever you get a chance to talk to him. It's not right to just keep you away from every thing like you don't matter. Sorry about your husband.
Woman In Blue Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I was also taken aback when he returned from the weekend away and did not greet me with any affection at all 'til the former girlfriend left. Seriously, is this guy like 15 years old? Afraid to tell his old girlfriends that he's "going steady" with a new girfriend? Jeez. You sound like a lovely lady and I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's passing a couple of years ago. 34 years of marriage - you're an inspiration to us all. IceFishingLady, I honestly don't have any "friends" to whom I have to hide my current relationship and pretend he doesn't exist. While I've been fortunate to remain friendly with my ex's, I don't walk on eggshells around them, pandering to their 'sensitive' nature by acting as though my current man and I aren't invovled. That's a horrific show of disrespect to YOU, any way you slice it. If he feels the need to be traipsing all over town with his ex-girlfriends, occasionally staying overnight at a supposed "friend's house," and pretending to be single when he's with his ex-girlfriend(s), then there's ALOT more to this than just fishing. Lastly, you should be cherished and respected by this man - and he's doing neither. In essence, he's turned you into some kind of quasi "other woman," a big secret to the outside world. He's clearly in no position to get involved with anyone because it appears he's not quite done with his ex - nor she with him. There's still a little something going on between those two. You are absolutely NOT wrong for expecting to be treated as his top priority relationship-wise. Anything less than that is simply unacceptable. Good luck to you.
Woman In Blue Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) Sorry - double post as the site went down momentarily. Edited July 17, 2010 by Woman In Blue
stace79 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Having read your post, it sounds to me like he is only interested in you for physical intimacy and nothing more. Does he ever take you out in public at all? The way your story reads, it sounds very much like an ex-friend of mine who treated women that way, and it was because he told them ALL they were his girlfriend. I have no idea why the women were so stupid, but they'd MET each other and still didn't get that he was cheating on all of them.
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