D28 Posted July 17, 2010 Share Posted July 17, 2010 I've been with my girlfriend, the mother of my children, on and off for 7 years now. We'll call her Mary (a fake name). We had been broken up for over 3 years, and still friends the whole time... and I moved back in with her last November (about 8 months ago) During our 3 year breakup, I fell in love with another woman, lets call her Kristin.. who I dated for over 2 years... and she destroyed me. The breakup with kristin was sudden, and completely unexpected.. she left me for another man, and married him 3 months later.. november last year, and I still can't believe it happened, nor do I understand why. Mary saved me... literally. I called her (as my friend) last august during my crisis, and I don't think I'd be alive today if not for her. I couldn't even take care of myself, I had fallen so deeply into despair... but Mary was there for me when the rest of the world had abandoned me. I moved in with her 3 months after Kristin broke my heart. Mary has never been with, nor even dated another man other than me for her entire life... and I don't think she ever will even if we break up again. I feel like I cannot escape the pain that Kristin inflicted upon me, and it is completely unfair for me to continue on like this while I am with Mary. She does not deserve it... I try not to let Mary see me distressed over Kristin, because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but every once in a while she still has to see me crying in the middle of the night.. and Mary knows the reason... but still she is supportive, and tries to help me. I think I am still in the denial phase from my relationship with Kristin. I can't make myself face the truth. I wish I could put kristin behind me, and give myself completely to mary ... but at this point I don't know if that will ever happen. Mary loves me with her whole heart, she is faithful, and I know she will never hurt me, and she would do anything for me. She is the safest place in the world for me to trust with my heart, but I guess I can't give her something that has already been destroyed... My biggest concern is I don't want to hurt Mary, and I don't want to treat her unfairly. It would break her heart if I left her... and I know she won't move on to a more healthy relationship with someone else... but is it right for me to stay with her, when I don't love her? Or is it best for both of us if I move out... maybe I need to be alone in order to heal? I don't know what is the right thing to do... for either mary, or myself. Am I being selfish by staying with Mary, and accepting her love when I cannot commit my heart to her? She takes away my loneliness... and I do feel happy sometimes when I'm with her... and I do make Mary happy... Is this relationship healthy? or am I just a selfish creep who doesn't deserve Mary, and I should leave her alone so I don't do more emotional harm to her... Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted July 17, 2010 Share Posted July 17, 2010 First of all, i'm sorry for the pain you've experienced. You aren't alone here. I think you are still getting over your ex and you love Mary in a different way. Perhaps you love her but are not in love with her. Even if you are potentially falling in love with her, you are overwhelmed with your unresolved feelings for your ex. This is a difficult situation. I think you've gone back to Mary because you do love and care for her and because she was there for you and the relationship is safe, but clearly your heart is with someone else. I can understand how this happened and how it might be difficult to end this relationship. I think it would be best for you and for Mary if you ended the relationship whilst you focus on getting over your love for your ex. Maybe then in the future you could re-persue a relationship with Mary with a clear perspective of whether you really want to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 17, 2010 Share Posted July 17, 2010 I agree with Nikki. It also seems like the role that you and Mary have is one of Mother and Child. She wants to nurture you, and you need to be nurtured. Please understand that this is not the kind of relationship you should be seeking from a lover. It would be best if you and Mary didn't live together, and your kids shouldn't see you like this. They need to see you strong and at the top of your game - and not putting on a front. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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