Nightmare21 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hello, The other morning was the first time I saw my may-soon-to-be-ex husband in quite a few weeks. As we were talking I noticed he had a very difficult time focusing on our conversation. It seemed like his mind would just wonder off into space or he'd get easily distracted by something. He also could not sit still and was always getting in and out of his chair and was very fidgety. I asked him if he was high and of course he said no. He would also repeat himself from time to time. He has never used before, I mean besides Oxy. So I couldn't help but wonder what he was using. Would anyone have any idea? It's sad to see someone I still have some feeling for decline so rapidly Why do I feel somewhat responsible for his actions? Deep down, I know that he is responsible for his own actions but I can't help but feel as if part of me is to blame for what's happening to him now. Maybe I didn't support him enough so he decided to turn to drugs and alcohol? I've known him since high school. We had a long marriage, I should have seen something like this coming, right? Today, he happened to drop by my house again. I guess he walked from somewhere since he didn't have a car and he just appeared out of the blue. It was 113 degrees out and he was soaking with sweat and was obviously overheated. It didn't seem to bother him though. We talked a bit, he kept scratching his scalp and acted the same as I described earlier. I offered him a shower at my house and after that he wanted me to drop him off at a gas station down the road where he disappeared. He was also telling me his roommate was going to kick him out next Thursday and how he had no idea where he would go from there. If he can't find a place, he may have to go into a homeless shelter. I really wanted to invite him back into my home, at least for a few weeks. The heat here is unbearable and I can't imagine him living off the streets. He's still technially my husband. I held back though and luckily didn't offer him the house. I'm afraid I may give into him again
spriggig Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I'm glad I read your only other post, I needed it to understand this one. Wow, you must have a strong support network of friends and family to have dealt with this. I'll bet you've found depths to your own strength you didn't even know existed. I can't imagine what I could say to you that would be of any help. I just wanted to offer my sympathy and encourage you to lean on those who love you. There is only so much one person can do to help another, you have to be careful that he doesn't drag you under with him. If you want to help, you should do it from a distance, connect him with state agencies, church, etc. Last Nov. you posted once and disappeared, so I'll just say what I have to say now. You should prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome--it happens.
just_some_guy Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hello, The other morning was the first time I saw my may-soon-to-be-ex husband in quite a few weeks. As we were talking I noticed he had a very difficult time focusing on our conversation. It seemed like his mind would just wonder off into space or he'd get easily distracted by something. He also could not sit still and was always getting in and out of his chair and was very fidgety. I asked him if he was high and of course he said no. He would also repeat himself from time to time. He has never used before, I mean besides Oxy. So I couldn't help but wonder what he was using. Would anyone have any idea? It's sad to see someone I still have some feeling for decline so rapidly Why do I feel somewhat responsible for his actions? Deep down, I know that he is responsible for his own actions but I can't help but feel as if part of me is to blame for what's happening to him now. Maybe I didn't support him enough so he decided to turn to drugs and alcohol? I've known him since high school. We had a long marriage, I should have seen something like this coming, right? Today, he happened to drop by my house again. I guess he walked from somewhere since he didn't have a car and he just appeared out of the blue. It was 113 degrees out and he was soaking with sweat and was obviously overheated. It didn't seem to bother him though. We talked a bit, he kept scratching his scalp and acted the same as I described earlier. I offered him a shower at my house and after that he wanted me to drop him off at a gas station down the road where he disappeared. He was also telling me his roommate was going to kick him out next Thursday and how he had no idea where he would go from there. If he can't find a place, he may have to go into a homeless shelter. I really wanted to invite him back into my home, at least for a few weeks. The heat here is unbearable and I can't imagine him living off the streets. He's still technially my husband. I held back though and luckily didn't offer him the house. I'm afraid I may give into him again He's on methamphetamine. By "oxy" I presume you mean the narcotic, Oxycontin. That's a very serious drug. If he's used that, then really, no other drug should be a surprise or much of a comparison. You really don't have any responsibility in this, other than for your own actions. Please, please, please, visit some al-anon meetings for your own well-being.
LisaUk Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hello, The other morning was the first time I saw my may-soon-to-be-ex husband in quite a few weeks. As we were talking I noticed he had a very difficult time focusing on our conversation. It seemed like his mind would just wonder off into space or he'd get easily distracted by something. He also could not sit still and was always getting in and out of his chair and was very fidgety. I asked him if he was high and of course he said no. He would also repeat himself from time to time. He has never used before, I mean besides Oxy. So I couldn't help but wonder what he was using. Would anyone have any idea? It's sad to see someone I still have some feeling for decline so rapidly Why do I feel somewhat responsible for his actions? Deep down, I know that he is responsible for his own actions but I can't help but feel as if part of me is to blame for what's happening to him now. Maybe I didn't support him enough so he decided to turn to drugs and alcohol? I've known him since high school. We had a long marriage, I should have seen something like this coming, right? Today, he happened to drop by my house again. I guess he walked from somewhere since he didn't have a car and he just appeared out of the blue. It was 113 degrees out and he was soaking with sweat and was obviously overheated. It didn't seem to bother him though. We talked a bit, he kept scratching his scalp and acted the same as I described earlier. I offered him a shower at my house and after that he wanted me to drop him off at a gas station down the road where he disappeared. He was also telling me his roommate was going to kick him out next Thursday and how he had no idea where he would go from there. If he can't find a place, he may have to go into a homeless shelter. I really wanted to invite him back into my home, at least for a few weeks. The heat here is unbearable and I can't imagine him living off the streets. He's still technially my husband. I held back though and luckily didn't offer him the house. I'm afraid I may give into him again Nightmare, I want to say first how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your daughter, this last year and a half must have been the worst of your life, for both of you. I too found your other post and what strikes me is that you say your marriage only changed and went down hill when your daughter committed suicide. The part above I have bolded, why do you feel responsible? While you are not responsible for his actions, for his drug taking, deep down inside I think you already know the answer. You love your husband and you know this is only happeneing because of the imense loss and stress that you both have been under. You can still change this if you want to, it is not too late. The first step would be MC where you and your H can work to support each other and to regain ALL the intimacy you once had and the second step is a program and IC for your H. That is, IF your H is willing? Have you and your H had beavement counselling? MC? Do you want your best friend back? Do you want your marriage back Nightmare? If I have this all worng then I apoligise now, I just get a deep sense from your post and if I am right, please don't let one tragdy lead you into another.
eeyore1981 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Nightmare21, I also read your other post. Ten years ago, my oldest child, my 18 year old daughter, was killed. I had next to zero support. Almost every one of my friends and family abandoned me. Even my husband. My daughter was from a previous relationship. The loss of a child, in my opinion, is the worst thing you can ever have happen in your life. There have also been several suicides in my family, including my father. When you have the two of these combined, your pain can be overwhelming. Just going by what you have posted, I'm assuming your husband has broken, and maybe turned to drugs to deal with his pain? This is a lot for you to deal with. Nightmare21, if you want to help him with his problems, or you don't, either one of these options are okay. I'm not sitting in judgement of your husband for what he has done, but I am telling you he bears the responsibility for his choice to use drugs, if that is indeed what has happened here. Don't take on the guilt of that, it isn't yours to bear. I don't even know how you can share your grief together, if he is under the influence. Is there anything in your area that can provide help with this? Maybe get him into rehab? If he would even agree to get help? Is it possible he is not doing drugs? Some psychosis (not sure if that is the correct term) can mimic drug abuse. Regardless, this is bigger than what you can fix on your own. He needs professional help. Now, for you. You also can't get through this in a vacuum. I had other children to put my focus on to help me have a reason to go on. I also found an online support group for parents who had lost their child. IMO, one thing you absolutely need is a safe person to talk to who will listen to you, and let you get it out, and be willing to help you get through this. If you are not receiving any kind of therapy, please, Nightmare21, look into it. If it is a cost issue, try a minister or a priest. I spent some time with a local pastor, who was very kind to me, and I didn't even attend his church. Depending on the size of the area you live in, there is more than likely at minimum a grief support group you can attend, and possibly one specifically for parents. It is natural for you to still love your husband, and also natural for you to want to help him. You, better than anyone else, know the pain he is going through. Don't beat yourself up over it. You both need to find some help, but you have to want the help, and you can't want that for him. Please keep posting, and pm me at any time if you need to, I'll be watching for you. I'll help you any way I can.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Nightmare21 I regret not seeing your first post until now, as I my GF has gone thru a similar tragedy. It might help if you can fill us in of further details. Such as, was Mandy an only child? What has happened in between your two posts. What finally brought on the separation? I see the suicide as a catalyst, but what went on in between? It is apparent that you quit communicating with each other. What about the anger issues? Did you start blaming each other, or did you go the opposite way and try to take on all of the blame yourself. Did you try grief counseling? What about your jobs, etc.
Author Nightmare21 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Hello, Yes, Mandy was our only child. Which makes this loss much more difficult as if it already wasn't. I've heard that many marriages don't survive the loss of a child and that fact alone has me worried. None of this would have happened if she were here today. I know that is fact. Since the death of our child things have started to go downhill. My husband rarely drank a year ago but now I fell as if he's a full blown alcoholic. He'll be completely wasted by 8am. He has a DUI and has been to the hospital twice now for alcohol poising and oxycodone overdose. Friends have brought him home millions of times because he was too drunk to drive home. A few months ago he lost his professional job of 30 years because he was caught drinking on the job. This was after he swore he'd "never get caught". We have seperated twice because of his drinking and drug use and have always gotten back together within a few weeks, except this time. I believe he's using something much heavier the what he use to. I really wish I could help him in someway
solitary_man Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 i wish i had anything to say at all... i don't know how i'd go on in his (or your) shoes. my own problems seem pretty silly by comparison. I agree with the others. If I had to guess what he's on, I'd guess meth. Which is awful, because it's probably the most evil drug man has ever devised. You shouldn't feel responsible. But if you're like me, you probably still will despite everyone telling you not to.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Nightmare My GF has suffered throught a similar trama, so I was hoping that I might be of some assistance. In our case, it has taken many avenues to help her along. Sometimes it is the power of love, knowing when events are building up inside of her and taking action. Such as finding away to distract her, and get her thinking about other things. Other times, it is necessary to just back off and let her ride it out, offering to talk about it when she is ready again. But from you latest post, it sounds as if things have gotten completely out of hand. My guess is you have to wait for him to totally hit rock bottom and reach out for help I understand the anxiety of having to just stand there and do nothing until they are ready to reach out. Next question, have your filed? Also did it rain last night? I know a stupid question, but please just answer yes or no.
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