How are abusive men in the beginning?

[Eartha]

Obviously no woman would fall in love with a man knowing he would hit her, torture her and make her life hell. So how do they fall into the trap? Are these men really normal in the beginning of the relationship? When did the abuse start?

[jamesum]

My grandma told these to my sister in how to know if a man is beauty outside and a beast inside.

 

1. See how he treats the female members of his family.

 

2. See how he treats complete strangers.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I agree that how a man treats his family, women and supposed 'inferiors' such as children, animals and others in subservient positions reveals a lot about him.

 

Most abusers are incredibly charismatic and nice and the abuse occurs privately over a long period of time.

 

Other abusers wear their cruelty all over them; this type tends to attract the insecure, self-hating or rescuer types.

[jamesum]

Yup, if you go on a date with a guy and you see him yelling at the waiter, just remember that one day that waiter might be you.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow...the 'waiter' comment...

I have to post:

 

A friend of my cousin's went out with a man who was elegant, charming, attentive, romantic and generous. he was funny, highly intelligent, and a real dream-boat.

But he gradually began to expose quite a few prejudices, in a humorous way...making light of things and treating situations humorously...

but making snide comments about minority groups, and taking the mickey...

 

Then, one day, (about 9 months into their R.,) they went to a restaurant, and the service was not what it could have been.

But his reaction was, to say the least, way over the top and excessive.

he saw red, and was in a blind rage.

The way he spoke to the waitress, and to the manager, made her walk out of the restaurant.

he went running after her, apologising profusely, admitting he was horrendously out of line, he didn't know what had come over him, maybe it was the medication he was taking for his muscular aches (don't know anything about that, except he had powerful painkillers, because he played American football and rugby) but he was extremely remorseful. He assured her he had also apologised to the staff, left them a tip, and made amends with all concerned.

he was extremely persuasive and entirely sincere.

As this had never happened before, she took him at his word, and accepted it.

They went back to her house.

The moment she closed the door, he floored her by slapping her so hard, her feet left the ground. He demanded an apology from her for leaving him at the restaurant in that way, and to never, ever do anything so disrespectful again. he told her to not get up, because otherwise he'd just knock her back down again.

Wisely, she plaintively apologised, told him he was quite right, admitted what she had done was extremely rude and begged him to forgive her.

He gently picked her up, attended to her swelling jaw, made her a cup of coffee, and told her to get some rest, and call in to work sick the next morning.

She agreed.

He then left.

She went into overdrive, called the police, her family, and changed the locks.

She pressed charges against him, and had the restaurant manager and waitress give evidence. He had of course, never made good with the restaurant, as he'd said. So they were quite happy to assist.

 

But he tried to weave his charm and ensnare anyone who'd listen, and being such an adept liar, he nearly got away with it...He nearly had a couple of the policewomen at the station, fooled, and wove quite the sob story.

But he pleaded guilty when two previous GFs came forward to also file accusations against him.

Psychiatric evaluation could find no mental issues at all with the guy. He had no mental illness, or any form of psychosis.

 

I don't know what the upshot was, but my cousin's friend had to move house to feel safe.

 

But she feels she had a lucky escape.

Edited July 17, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[JackJack]

My grandma told these to my sister in how to know if a man is beauty outside and a beast inside.

 

1. See how he treats the female members of his family.

 

2. See how he treats complete strangers.

 

 

 

While I agree with this, I'll also add, sometimes people can be wolves in sheeps clothing too.

 

I had this very thing happen to my sister years ago. Her husband was charming and he treated female members in his family very well. As well as complete strangers, thats why when he abused his wife, (my sister) it was a complete shock.

[pureinheart]

Wow...the 'waiter' comment...

I have to post:

 

A friend of my cousin's went out with a man who was elegant, charming, attentive, romantic and generous. he was funny, highly intelligent, and a real dream-boat.

But he gradually began to expose quite a few prejudices, in a humorous way...making light of things and treating situations humorously...

but making snide comments about minority groups, and taking the mickey...

 

Then, one day, (about 9 months into their R.,) they went to a restaurant, and the service was not what it could have been.

But his reaction was, to say the least, way over the top and excessive.

he saw red, and was in a blind rage.

The way he spoke to the waitress, and to the manager, made her walk out of the restaurant.

he went running after her, apologising profusely, admitting he was horrendously out of line, he didn't know what had come over him, maybe it was the medication he was taking for his muscular aches (don't know anything about that, except he had powerful painkillers, because he played American football and rugby) but he was extremely remorseful. He assured her he had also apologised to the staff, left them a tip, and made amends with all concerned.

he was extremely persuasive and entirely sincere.

As this had never happened before, she took him at his word, and accepted it.

They went back to her house.

The moment she closed the door, he floored her by slapping her so hard, her feet left the ground. He demanded an apology from her for leaving him at the restaurant in that way, and to never, ever do anything so disrespectful again. he told her to not get up, because otherwise he'd just knock her back down again.

Wisely, she plaintively apologised, told him he was quite right, admitted what she had done was extremely rude and begged him to forgive her.

He gently picked her up, attended to her swelling jaw, made her a cup of coffee, and told her to get some rest, and call in to work sick the next morning.

She agreed.

He then left.

She went into overdrive, called the police, her family, and changed the locks.

She pressed charges against him, and had the restaurant manager and waitress give evidence. He had of course, never made good with the restaurant, as he'd said. So they were quite happy to assist.

 

But he tried to weave his charm and ensnare anyone who'd listen, and being such an adept liar, he nearly got away with it...He nearly had a couple of the policewomen at the station, fooled, and wove quite the sob story.

But he pleaded guilty when two previous GFs came forward to also file accusations against him.

Psychiatric evaluation could find no mental issues at all with the guy. He had no mental illness, or any form of psychosis.

 

I don't know what the upshot was, but my cousin's friend had to move house to feel safe.

 

But she feels she had a lucky escape.

 

 

Oh man Tara...I am so very sorry...that is horrible:mad:...what was that anyway????

 

Ok he freaks out, then when there is a reaction (sounds like either way causes the flip side to take over)...he then smoothes over and covers his tracks. Almost a form of gaslighting..no?

 

She did the right thing not to agitate further...what's that saying, when it's too good to be true, it is...

[jamesum]

While I agree with this, I'll also add, sometimes people can be wolves in sheeps clothing too.

 

I had this very thing happen to my sister years ago. Her husband was charming and he treated female members in his family very well. As well as complete strangers, thats why when he abused his wife, (my sister) it was a complete shock.

Then he is an expert manipulator.

[Odyssey]

could be two things or a combination of both...

- wolf in sheep's clothing.

- rose-tinted glasses.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Obviously no woman would fall in love with a man knowing he would hit her, torture her and make her life hell. So how do they fall into the trap? Are these men really normal in the beginning of the relationship? When did the abuse start?

 

 

 

The problem here is, that women who are used to being abused in one or more of many different ways, wouldn't be majorly attracted to guys who aren't abusive.

 

Your logical brain can sit there for as long as you like and try to figure out a way to identify the outward signs common to all abusers, but your heart likely belongs to abusive, unfair individuals.

 

Friends who don't share the same past as a repeat abuse victim wouldn't touch these guys with a ten-foot pole, and those friends wouldn't even linger near them in contemplative thought.

 

A popular talkshow host loves to advice repeated "victims" as follows:

 

"Don't trust your picker!!"

 

"When you sense yourself reeeeeeeeeeeally attracted to a guy, then turn and run the other way!"

 

"Date instead more stable men to whom you are only mildly attracted and see where that goes"

 

Now of course nobody wants to hear that logic, and those at whom it is targeted cringe at the very guidance. But if you are going to trick your mind past the abusers, it won't be as the result of their (non-existent) outward, telltale signs, but instead it will happen because you measure your own attraction to various men and firmly adhere to the above instruction.

 

 

Women who have truly never been abused or significantly mistreated would simply never be drawn to the abusive men you will spend the rest of your life trying to dodge. Those women sum those guys up at a snap, and their vibes are right-ON, and then women who share your past evolution line-up to be their next victims.