she seems unwilling to end communication with OM

[turnera]

The typical woman gets married expecting her husband to KEEP talking to her til all hours of the night, as he does when they are dating. To ask her about herself. To make her feel sexy and alluring and wanted. To flirt with her. To show affection by buying her things or taking her out.

 

These are all the things that a guy does to court a woman. And, for the most part, they are what gets her to CHOOSE him. And, for the most part, they are what get abandoned once they get married. Just as a man thinks 'huh?' when his wife stops having so much SF with him once married, a woman thinks 'huh?' when her husband stops wooing her. The WOOING is what made her choose him. Now he doesn't do it. He works, he expects her to do the majority of the housework on top of her own full-time job while he comes home and sits down and watches tv or gets on the computer, he expects her to do 80% of taking care of the kids, he stops taking her out, he stops treating her with flowers or a gift or even a 'love you' note, and most of all, he stops TALKING to her.

 

Women typically need much more conversation than men; it's how they work things out, while men just get out there and get something done. But the woman is no longer able to talk her issues out, cos the man is no longer interested - he's got her, why should he have to keep talking all the time?

 

And women typically have to have that emotional connection before they want to have SF. So the SF declines in the marriage; and both parties pull away from each other.

 

So...here comes the OM. Who IS interested in what she has to say, asks her about herself, what she's thinking, what her goals are, if she's fulfilled. Who treats her with love notes or flowers. Who DOES make her feel alluring and sexy and wanted. Of course, half of those men just want the SF but they know to get it, they have to do the wooing.

 

And the woman now has a man who is treating her just like her husband USED to, doing the things that made her want her husband in the first place. And while she may or may not be all that interested in the SF, she knows that if she gives it to OM, he will stick around and keep wooing her.

Edited September 8, 2010 by turnera

[Owl]

I don't believe that Turnera was attempting to justify her affair by any means...what I saw was that Turnera was attempting to explain how/why the affair happened.

 

I got no impression that there was any attempt at justifying it or making it sound "ok"...I just saw a good outline of what likely led to it happening.

 

And Turnera is probably dead on the money.

[turnera]

With that nice little story you told, it still doesn't justify the woman having an affair and this story sounds a little biased, as if its the man's job to do everything in the relationship and if he doesn't do 100%, its his fault he loses his woman to another man. The days where a man has to do most of the work to woo a woman into getting in a relationship and doing all the work in the relationship are over.

My response was based on the psychology of the issue. As for men having to 'do all the work,' I've heard over and over and over again from men that all they want in a marriage is enough sex to make them happy, a good-looking woman (i.e. someone who takes care of herself), and a woman who is there for him (i.e. takes care of the house, supports his interests, etc.).

 

If a man continues to make a woman feel wanted, she will (typically) be happy enought that she WANTS to have lots of sex with him, and keep him happy.

 

The problem, IMO, is that so very many men simply think that getting married means replacing Mom with Wife. In other words, men and women have VASTLY different ideas of what marriage is going to look like.

[turnera]

That is SO not what I said. Someone asked what a woman is thinking as she pulls away from her husband.

 

I just told you.

[turnera]

The days where a man has to do most of the work to woo a woman into getting in a relationship and doing all the work in the relationship are over.

Really? Then why do women initiate 75% of all divorces?

[turnera]

Seriously, though, I NEVER said he has to do all the 'work' in a relationship. I said if he wants to keep his woman he needs to remember to make her feel special. That is all. That can be as simple as calling her as he leaves work to ask if she needs anything, to giving her a hug before he gets out of bed, or just asking her how her day went.

 

Not a ton of work involved in that.

[turnera]

I wasn't talking about divorce and your intel is faulty.

In reality, says a wave of new research, throughout most of North American history wives have filed for divorce twice as often as husbands.

http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/divmen.htm

 

A new research conducted by Shahid Beheshti University showed that 80% of petitions for divorce were filed by women in the first five years of marriage.

http://www.tehrantimes.com/Index_view.asp?code=194950

 

Myth:Men are the ones who initiate most divorces and want to leave the marriage - usually because of an extramarital involvement.

Truth:Women initiate between 65% and 80% of all divorces over the objections of their husbands. Further, among causes for divorce an affair ranks sixth and any sort of abuse - whether alcohol, violence, or drug-related - doesn't show up until the eleventh cause. When a wife divorces her husband for reasons such as a "gradual growing apart" or "serious differences in lifestyle" (the top two reasons!) and takes the kids with her, her ex-husband truly has been disenfranchised - and left powerless.

http://childrens-justice.org/myths.htm

 

In fact, most marriages(and relationships) end, and they do so at the womans initiation 91% of the time. http://www.amazon.com/91-Factor-Women-initiate-Divorce/dp/0963179926

[turnera]

If you say so.

[turnera]

I know so. Thank you.

So...what you KNOW...differs from what national research asserts?

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

 

Um...ok.

 

btw, totally off point.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He works, he expects her to do the majority of the housework on top of her own full-time job while he comes home and sits down and watches tv or gets on the computer, he expects her to do 80% of taking care of the kids, he stops taking her out, he stops treating her with flowers or a gift or even a 'love you' note, and most of all, he stops TALKING to her.

 

This is only typical of couples 50+ in age. Couples my age have a much more even split in both child rearing responsibilities and household chores.

 

So...here comes the OM. Who IS interested in what she has to say, asks her about herself, what she's thinking, what her goals are, if she's fulfilled. Who treats her with love notes or flowers. Who DOES make her feel alluring and sexy and wanted. Of course, half of those men just want the SF but they know to get it, they have to do the wooing.

And the woman now has a man who is treating her just like her husband USED to, doing the things that made her want her husband in the first place. And while she may or may not be all that interested in the SF, she knows that if she gives it to OM, he will stick around and keep wooing her.

 

So your saying that women just go after whoever woos them? At what point do morals come into play?

 

I can understand that in these situations its obviously the husbands fault for not being perfect... but shouldn't there be some type of accountability here?

[Untouchable_Fire]

In reality, says a wave of new research, throughout most of North American history wives have filed for divorce twice as often as husbands.

http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/divmen.htm

A new research conducted by Shahid Beheshti University showed that 80% of petitions for divorce were filed by women in the first five years of marriage.

http://www.tehrantimes.com/Index_view.asp?code=194950

Myth:Men are the ones who initiate most divorces and want to leave the marriage - usually because of an extramarital involvement.

Truth:Women initiate between 65% and 80% of all divorces over the objections of their husbands. Further, among causes for divorce an affair ranks sixth and any sort of abuse - whether alcohol, violence, or drug-related - doesn't show up until the eleventh cause. When a wife divorces her husband for reasons such as a "gradual growing apart" or "serious differences in lifestyle" (the top two reasons!) and takes the kids with her, her ex-husband truly has been disenfranchised - and left powerless.

http://childrens-justice.org/myths.htm

In fact, most marriages(and relationships) end, and they do so at the womans initiation 91% of the time. http://www.amazon.com/91-Factor-Women-initiate-Divorce/dp/0963179926

 

Yes... because they GET PAID FOR IT.

 

Men would file for divorce 91% of the time if you gave us a 90% chance at custody... nearly all marital assets... fat alimony checks... and ridiculously high child support payments, among other things.

 

I'm just amazed at the women who don't take advantage of the system.

[Binster]

Im just amazed men marry anymore.

[turnera]

This is only typical of couples 50+ in age. Couples my age have a much more even split in both child rearing responsibilities and household chores.

Quite possible.

 

So your saying that women just go after whoever woos them? At what point do morals come into play?

 

I can understand that in these situations its obviously the husbands fault for not being perfect... but shouldn't there be some type of accountability here?

Of course women don't just go after whoever woos them. Most women never intended to get in an affair; it's a gradual thing, usually starts with a man talking to her - the typically #1 need of women, and that which many women report is the biggest thing lacking in their marriage.

 

But they talk, talk some more, and next thing you know, she starts looking forward to the conversations, because they are giving her what she craves and is not getting at home. Just like many men start affairs because they aren't getting enough SF at home; women start flirting, and making them feel wanted.

 

It's like an addiction, from what I've seen. The good feelings you get from those conversations, or that flirting, just becomes something you come to crave, because you're not getting it at home. Next thing you know, you're actively seeking out ways to get more of it. That's the slippery slope.

 

In what way do you think I'm giving a cheating woman a free pass? I never said that. Someone asked what goes through a cheating woman's mind. I explained what I believe goes through a cheating woman's mind. That is all.

[Owl]

I don't get what's so hard to track here.

 

The bottomline is that communication builds emotional intimacy. It creates bonds...and that kind of communication and intimacy is something that most women require a great deal more than most men.

 

So...if you want to create a new relationship or rebuild an old one...start by rebuilding the communication...and use some of the same techniques and tactics you used to ORIGINALLY "win the girl".

 

This isn't demeaning to anyone, nor is it rocket science.