she seems unwilling to end communication with OM

[wannagocamping]

I found out 3.5 months ago that my W was having 3 month A with MM with whom she works. I am in the military and travel a lot for work... I am by no means perfect, but I feel as though I have always provided her with love, attention, a good home and pretty much anything she wanted. The A started because they were spending a lot of time together out of work, as he was giving her golf lessons. I confronted her when I noticed outrageous number of text and very late calls on the phone bill. She has never been forthcoming with information, I have had to find out most everything, including that the A included sex on multiple occasions. We are seeing a therapist together and we are each seing one individually.

 

She has indicated that she loves me and that she is 95% happy with me, enjoys sex with me, but she is not sexually attracted to me... that she does not get turned on by me. We have not had sex except once since. It took about a month for her to decide that she wants to stay with me, but she really has not really cut ties with him. She still has some golf clubs that he gave her and she is upset when he decided to stop talking to her over this (they are slowly resuming communication).

 

I asked her that if she really wants to save our M, she must find closure with the OM, return his things and have no communication with him outside of work. I feel that only after that can we really begin to work on our healing, including therapy to work out the sexual issues.

 

I really want to work things out and save our marriage of 5yrs. She is a great W, but I don't feel that she is really into helping us heal. How long should I wait for her to grieve and get over her loss (OM)? Am I. Asking too much for her to stop all conversation with him? Things have been very hard on me, and I want her to move faster in her healing, but I am afraid if I apply too much pressure she will really pull away. I at least have been using this time to improve many things about myself, and I am capable of leaving her now if she doesn't want a M with me, but again... I love her.

[jnj express]

Your wife gets no time to grieve----She goes NC right now

 

You need to tell her---that you know that she and only she controls her actions, and you can't do anything about that---but you, by the same token, control your actions. You tell her in no uncertain terms that you will NOT continue on in a mge. while she continues to involve herself with another man. Mge. is comprised of 2 people, not 3 people.

 

You are getting this lack of sex and love drivel cuz she is thinking of and putting out for the other guy----right now you are in 2nd place.

 

Tell her if she wants her freedom she can have it----you can move on w/out her-------PLAY HARDBALL----up to now she has had no real pressure put on her, lets see how she handles some serious dealbreaker consequences

 

She immediately goes NC, completely transparent, and shows heavy remorse, and contriteness or she needs to leave----she gets no choices----show her zero tolerance.

 

Also as to the other guy----you wanna see him leave this A., and at a dead run----You call up the corporate headquarters of the company where other guy works---and you tell them, that they have an employee that is trying to steal the wife of active duty military personel.

 

You tell them either they put a stop to his actions, or you will go public about how this company allows its personnel to steal the wives of military personnel while they are on active duty, and vulnerable.

 

Stay strong, and fight the good fight.

[imagine]

There can NEVER be closure with OM.

 

She must send him a note stating that she has offended your marriage to her. You must check this message. It must be short and to the point. Post the message here -we'll check it for you.

 

Never must she ever make contact again. You return the clubs.

 

Any chance for her to say goodbye will turn out to be a romantic contact.

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been? She has humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way. Has she even been tested for STD's? It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why are you still with her? Is the OM married? If so it is essential that you contact his spouse. Have you exposed your wife? Nobody respects a doormat.

[lolapalooza]

I do not agree with notifying the OM's employer. He may have trouble finding other employment, and will need the income to pay for either MC or a D after the OP discloses the affair to his wife.

Yep. Contact the other BS. Let her know her H is screwing around on her. This is why the OM has pulled away from your WS anyway- he is afraid he will be outed in the fallout. He is only slowly re-established contact because your wife has probably assured him that won't happen. Be assured that as long as you do not lay down the law, they will keep up the contact, drive their A underground until you leave for another deployment. A sure fire way to make sure that doesn't happen is to contact his wife.

 

Secondly, as part of reconcilliation, your W finds other employment, away from OM. Refusal of complete NC and to find different employment are grounds for divorce.

[wannagocamping]

Thank you all for the info and opinions. I do realize that I have been less than pushy about this... maybe a door mat. I just feel that people make the most meaningful choicews when given the time to weigh their options.

 

I did speak with OM's W on the telephone three times. This occurred about 1.5 to 2 mos ago when she found out and had her daughter look me up on facebook (through her H page, found my W, then found me). Somehow they got my cell number and I spoke with her but didn't give her much of the info that I had. I feel bad, but I felt if I gave her all the info she would want a D and then OM would pursue my W more intently. I was also unaware that my W had sex with him... that info came last week when I found a posting on this site that looked all too familiar (we are both seeking answers).

 

I could give OMW more info but I am certain that would alienate my W. I know that this situation sucks, and my self esteem is very low. My wife said in therapy that she felt that my use of porn has caused her to be pushed away and feel less intimacy towards me. I amworking on my porn addiction, and I haven't looked at any pornography in 3 mos... realizing how destructive it is and how contrary it is to my morals.

 

I really want to work things out with my wife... this A is very contrary to everything I have known about her. I have always been faithful, but I am understanding that no one is perfect. I however cannot wait forever for her to rejoin me in our M... I have a lot of love to give. It is my nature to want to pour my heart into my W, if she doesn't want that I can find someone who does and who will reciprocate... but how long is reasonable to wait for her to feel things again?

[spriggig]

It's not the things you do, but the things you don't do that chase the butterflies away for her.

 

The ways you communicate your love and affection for her are honest but they are not the ways she wants/needs you to communicate. You're paying attention to her but not the right kind of attention in the right ways. She exacerbates the situation by avoiding confrontation with you.

 

There is no malice on either side, just ignorance. Ignorance can be corrected but you BOTH have to be willing.

 

While NC is the right choice for her, it has to be her decision. If you try to force it on her, she will resent you the same way a daughter resents her father for doing the same thing--we know how that usually turns out.

[Corporate]

Thank you all for the info and opinions. I do realize that I have been less than pushy about this... maybe a door mat. I just feel that people make the most meaningful choicews when given the time to weigh their options.

 

Secretcy make them grow closer. You need to expose to anyone and everyone whom they respect, including your wife's family, OM's employer, etc. Send the following to EVERYONE on OM's facebook friend list and your wife's friend list:

 

"My wife (her name) and OM (his name) who's married are having a sexual affair. This ongoing affair has led damages to OM's marriage and my marriage. Please support our marriage, help my wife and OM by telling them the right thing to do is to end this affair. Our marriage can survive this affair - it cannot survive the continued presence of this other man in our life.'

[wannagocamping]

Spriggig,

 

I agree with your comments... I have worked with my boss to significantly reduce the time I am away from home, and I am working on issues for myself, for I am of no worth to anyone if I do not value myself.

 

As far as NC being her decision, I couldn't agree more. I let her know the other day she is the one with all of the power here. She has the power to choose this M or not, but choosing the M means work and commitment.

 

Corporate,

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me... I fear that would only breed resentment that could force her to appear to concede only to flee later when she feels that she has found someone that would not hurt her.

[spriggig]

...have no communication with him outside of work.

 

She'll have to change jobs or at least departments, if that is an option. No contact is NO Contact.

 

I suggest reading What_Next's thread. He's come the closest recently to making reconciliation work.

[Corporate]

 

Corporate,

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me... I fear that would only breed resentment that could force her to appear to concede only to flee later when she feels that she has found someone that would not hurt her.

 

You're letting this OM destroying your marriage by sitting there and doing nothing? Shame will stop him and stop her from continue the affair. It wouldn't be fun and exciting anymore. Telling everyone will make it taboo and eventually, the affair will die that way.

 

Read around and ask if exposure is not the best way to end affairs.

[imagine]

Spriggig,

 

As far as NC being her decision, I couldn't agree more. I let her know the other day she is the one with all of the power here. She has the power to choose this M or not, but choosing the M means work and commitment.

 

Corporate,

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me...

 

You need to expose her in order to save the marriage. Heck man, fight for her!

 

NC is her decision but you need to check it first. Continue to expose whenever contact is being made but don't compromise your source of info.

[jnj express]

It's all her decision---does she, or does she not wanna be married

 

Right now you are enabling her to keep up her affair, and you are acting like a doormat

 

NC is a line in the sand, or boundary you set forth, with consequences

 

You not fully disclosing everything to the other wife doesn't give you both the full benefit of fighting together to bring down the A.

 

What are you afraid of---she won't respect you---she already disrespects you

 

 

she already is thinking basically of the other guy, and believe me she thinks of him each and every day, and she thinks of him in preferance to thinking of you

 

You had better wake up, cuz the way you are handling this, you are gonna be one big "left out" H.

 

Read all the websites and info you can, everyone who played it soft in the beginning, admitted later on, they screwed up big time.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Spriggig,

I agree with your comments... I have worked with my boss to significantly reduce the time I am away from home, and I am working on issues for myself, for I am of no worth to anyone if I do not value myself.

As far as NC being her decision, I couldn't agree more. I let her know the other day she is the one with all of the power here. She has the power to choose this M or not, but choosing the M means work and commitment.

Corporate,

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me... I fear that would only breed resentment that could force her to appear to concede only to flee later when she feels that she has found someone that would not hurt her.

 

I'm sorry your going through this friend.

 

You just seem so afraid of how she feels that it's just pathetic. At what point are you going to just decide that your a man?

 

Do you really believe this is the best woman for you? This is the best you can hope for in life?

 

She is trying to make this all your fault because you looked at porn? And you believe it? That's just stupid. I would say your a real dim bulb if you believe that this is all your fault.

 

Man up! Tell her to choose... you or him... and choose right now! If she breaks no contact... you put her though the worlds nastiest divorce!!!

[spriggig]

This is a delicate situation, the wife is still in love with the OM but at least making overtures to reconciling. Giving her an ultimatum now would drive her straight into the OM's arms.

 

OP doesn't sound angry at his wife. He may have already passed through anger or he may be coming up on it fast, but for now he wants to reconcile. Telling him he's a "doormat" and that he needs to "man-up" won't rile him to anger, but he'll probably stop listening to what might otherwise be reasonable advice.

 

I suggest the OP consider 180 to attempt to draw his wife back to his side.

[Bobby2010]

Heck man, fight for her!

 

She doesn't deserve the effort, and he shouldn't have to fight for anything.

 

She's shown her true colors. Save yourself, get rid of her. asap.

[carhill]

Welcome OP...

 

Didn't see it mentioned....do you have any children?

 

How many therapy sessions so far?

 

One day at a time. Take a small positive step each day.

[jwi71]

As far as NC being her decision, I couldn't agree more. I let her know the other day she is the one with all of the power here. She has the power to choose this M or not, but choosing the M means work and commitment.

 

Wow...buddy, go ahead and file for D now.

Because your plan of waiting and hoping she "comes home" will accomplish zilch. Wanna know why? She's STILL cheating on you. My God, she even choose HIS GOLF CLUBS over your emotional well being. Do you honestly think you can "love her back" given that? You can't out-love the OM or 180 her back. Its a huge waste of your time.

 

The advice you received about outing her is the single best piece of advice you can get right now. Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness - deny it both. Tell the world. Tell the entire family, yours and hers. Tell her boss. Out the OM by name. Solicit her boss to help you keep them away. This isn't petty or vengeful - its a fight to save your M. And guess what...you ARE in a fight to save your M.

 

For this A to end you have to act. And decisively.

 

Out them to the world.

Throw your W out.

Go NC with your W NOW

Open bank accounts in your name only and drain half the monies from the joint accounts. Redirect direct deposit for your pay into the new accounts.

Cancel all joint CC's.

Talk to a lawyer NOW.

Enlist your CO (you already have. See how supportive he is...trust me, her boss will be the same...as will 99% of the world...enlist their support).

 

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me... I fear that would only breed resentment that could force her to appear to concede only to flee later when she feels that she has found someone that would not hurt her.

 

Well, I hate to state the obvious but your current plan of "doormat" has gotten you what? She is still seeing him. Still talking (ie having an affair). And suffered NO consequences.

 

Look...why should she stop seeing him? You asked her? Big effin' deal...HE is YOUR replacement in her mind.

 

So...the list I gave above is for HER to see what life is like w/o you. She wants the OM...ok, let her have him. Lets interject reality into this tragic fantasy. It won't last my friend. That A will die a sudden and swift death.

 

I know its harsh. I know it seems counter-intuitive. But the BEST way (imo) to kill this is doing what I said. I make no claim to your M surviving but I can almost promise the A will die. In fact, I do promise it dies.

 

You CAN recover your M. You can have her back. And in a good healthy loving way. But the way to do it is to FIGHT. And you fight by killing the A and trying to reconnect in MC. But the A must die first...

[U2RockZz]

Spriggig,

 

I agree with your comments... I have worked with my boss to significantly reduce the time I am away from home, and I am working on issues for myself, for I am of no worth to anyone if I do not value myself.

 

As far as NC being her decision, I couldn't agree more. I let her know the other day she is the one with all of the power here. She has the power to choose this M or not, but choosing the M means work and commitment.

 

Corporate,

I am not sure that notifying everyone about her actions will draw her closer to me... I fear that would only breed resentment that could force her to appear to concede only to flee later when she feels that she has found someone that would not hurt her.

 

 

 

are you completely out of your mind to be with her....why are you so scared of her....if you do this your W might leave you,if you do that your W might resent you...if you go to the toilet then your W might scold you....what kind of M you have....if you call that as a M then me my dog has better relation ship than you two have.....i would better have a dog as companion than your W

 

 

get your balls back...get rid of her....if in your sick mind you feel that she is still loves you....you are the dumbest i have ever seen......she is not only cheating on you but also humiliating with her constant contact with her BF....here you are thinking about what you should do in order to get back your wife...she already left you ...now you realize that get rid of her....

 

if your relationship is so important to her she couldn't have had an A to start with much less continue the contact with her OM....and coming to porn...everybody looks at porn...but those are just pixels on my screen i am not having conversation with them much less sex.....

 

you need a lawyer not a wife....get that into your mind...if you take her back you will come back here sooner rather than later....think with your mind

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is a delicate situation, the wife is still in love with the OM but at least making overtures to reconciling. Giving her an ultimatum now would drive her straight into the OM's arms.

OP doesn't sound angry at his wife. He may have already passed through anger or he may be coming up on it fast, but for now he wants to reconcile. Telling him he's a "doormat" and that he needs to "man-up" won't rile him to anger, but he'll probably stop listening to what might otherwise be reasonable advice.

I suggest the OP consider 180 to attempt to draw his wife back to his side.

 

The hope is that if he can get angry and stand up to me... some day he might be able to do something similar with her.

[WalkingOnEggs]

I guess I don't know how you're supposed to get past the idea that your wife told you she's no longer sexually attracted to you. If that's not a kick in the nuts, then I don't know what is.

 

I mean damn! That's not only cruel, but it seems like a dealbreaker. Did she say she was never attracted to you sexually, or is this a new phenomenon? Did your appearance change recently or something?

[Dexter Morgan]

She's just stringing you along with false hope for your M until your next deployment, TDY, or other separation for your job, then she will hop right back in the sack with this guy.

 

Divorce her.

 

I concur completely.

[Owl]

This is a delicate situation, the wife is still in love with the OM but at least making overtures to reconciling. Giving her an ultimatum now would drive her straight into the OM's arms.

 

I have to disagree. Tolerating ANY kind of contact between her and OM will ensure that she slowly continues to build her relationship with OM, and slowly destroys the marriage.

 

She has to make a choice...NOW.

 

Either the marriage, or the OM. She doesn't get to sit there and cake-eat. She decides which man she wants in her future...and which one she does not. She doesn't get to have both...nor does she require some long drawn out process to make that choice. That would only serve to further destroy the marriage.

 

OP doesn't sound angry at his wife. He may have already passed through anger or he may be coming up on it fast, but for now he wants to reconcile. Telling him he's a "doormat" and that he needs to "man-up" won't rile him to anger, but he'll probably stop listening to what might otherwise be reasonable advice.

 

That's part of the problem. He SHOULD be angry, and he should be expressing that hurt and anger in a reasonable fashion to his wife.

 

Here's the thing. Women can't love a man that they don't respect. They can't respect a man who doesn't stick up for himself, for a man who doesn't fight for that relationship. They can't respect a man that they can treat as a doormat.

 

It seems counter-intuitive...but "standing up" to her will make him MORE attractive to her, not less. Choosing to fight for his marriage rather than passively accepting her actions is FAR more likely to end up in reconciliation.

 

 

I suggest the OP consider 180 to attempt to draw his wife back to his side.

 

I think the 180 plan is something to consider...but first he needs to fight for his marriage. She needs to see what she's going to lose if she continues her actions. If that fails...then 180 or plan B might be called for.

 

I suggest to the OP that he point blank tell his wife that she's at her point NOW.

 

She chooses...marriage, or OM.

 

If she chooses OM...out she goes. She moves out...and he goes full blown NC with her until such time that she chooses to work on the marriage. He's not going to be her friend...he's already her husband, and can't "go back" to just being friends.

 

If she chooses the marriage...either can OM "go back" to just being her friend. Once the affair started...she lost one of the two. She needs to go NC with OM...forever.

 

By NOT insisting on this, the OP is just setting the stage for her to continue the affair.

 

She makes the choice between the two men...but after that, the OP decides and enforces what he's willing to accept from her in his life.

 

He needs to step up and make that happen....NOW.

 

BTW...this is coming from an ex-BH who had to follow these same steps to recover my own marriage. We are very well recovered at this point.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a delicate situation, the wife is still in love with the OM but at least making overtures to reconciling. Giving her an ultimatum now would drive her straight into the OM's arms.

 

she has already been in the OM's arms and is still in contact with him.

 

So she is already there.

 

 

OP doesn't sound angry at his wife.

 

he needs to be.

 

 

He may have already passed through anger or he may be coming up on it fast, but for now he wants to reconcile. Telling him he's a "doormat" and that he needs to "man-up" won't rile him to anger, but he'll probably stop listening to what might otherwise be reasonable advice.

 

if telling someone they need to stand up for themselves and tell them not to let a cheating wife walk all over him causes him to not listen, then he is only wanting to hear that which supports what he wants to happen in the first place.

 

If he lets her walk all over him and he doesn't show some anger, but to the contrary shows kowtowing or weakness, she'll know that she can get away with it and think she has him wrapped around her finger and he'll just take it.

[2long]

In a case like this, where the WW has already been in an intense PA with the OM, the worry of "driving her straight in2 the OM's arms" is baseless. As DM pointed out, she's already been there.

 

If you want 2 recover your marriage (and honestly, I question that), you WANT the affairees 2 have 2 deal with real life 2gether (and see if they can), without you as a fallback.

 

You shouldn't want a fence-sitter who's only willing 2 come back 2 you part-time, so long as you do your best 2 make her happy and let her continue 2 sit on the fence.

 

Do you have kids? How old are you?

 

If the answers are "0" and "less than 30" (maybe even "less than 40"), I'd advise ending this marriage rather than trying 2 rebuild trust after what she's done. Recovery is hard work after infidelity, and with no kids and a good chunk of your life ahead of you, DV might be less painful.

 

-ol' 2long