My ex is 4.5 months pregnant with my baby and won't let me see her...

[D-Mo]

So, I am really seeking some advice here, not sure if I'm in the right forum or not, but here's the situation:

My ex and I had been living together for a year and together for a couple years when things went south last fall. We split because she caught me in a lie that was a totally unnecessary lie. But I broke the trust and ever since then we've been struggling. She hasn't been able to forgive and forget- she said she never had any doubts about us, but obviously I did and I f-d it up.

We still kept in touch after the breakup and even continued to sleep together and go out with our dog together. We ended up moving back in together at the beginning of the year, in a shared living situation, and it wasn't really the same. I wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, I had my doubts about the relationship and where it was headed but more than anything was confused about my career direction and self-identity.

I once thought I would be a major league baseball player but last year I found myself unemployed and depressed alot. I became self-absorbed and selfish and didn't respect my partner like I should have. I really feel bad for breaking us up, because now I haven't seen her in 3 months and I'm missing her like crazy. The time apart has actually given me alot of personal clarity and I feel like myself again....except the love of my life is gone!

The twist to the story is, before we split and went our separate ways again 3 months ago, she revealed to me she had gotten pregnant (by me).

So for the past 3 months I have known that she is carrying my child (actually 4.5 months now) but she has wanted nothing to do with me.

She moved all the way down the state and has said that we will split custody 50/50, and she'll update me on ultrasounds and stuff.

I was against the pregnancy at first because we were breaking up! And that's no way to bring a child into the world I thought.

She got mad at me for asking her to abort, and hasn't really spoken to me since.

After thinking about it for a few weeks though, I fell in love with the idea of having a baby with her. I get so excited now, just thinking of being a father and her being a mother and us being a family with our dog! Oh man, I know that would make me a complete man!! But she doesn't seem to want that, based on her not really talking to me!

I have expressed how excited I am to her and how I'd love to get back but she still is very short with me.

She said she finds out the sex of the baby next week at her ultrasound, and so I asked her if I could join her at the appointment, and she said, "I am already bringing a girlfriend with me, but thanks anyways!"

So, she won't even let me be a part of the ultrasound appointments.

 

The last 3 months I have missed her so much that all I can remember are the good times and I really want to get back with her and be a family, especially with a baby on the way. But she is so resistant to me, I don't know how it would ever work with her harboring such ill feelings toward me. She told me in a long email a couple months ago that I basically shattered her heart in pieces, and she needs this time to heal so she can move forward in her life and be the same happy person she was when we met.

So it seems like she wants nothing to do with me at this time, won't even let me see what my baby looks like in the womb, or talk to him so he can hear my voice.

 

What can I do?? Any advice??

Thanks for reading, any feedback is greatly appreciated...

[BellaBellaBella]

I would write her a hand written letter basically pouring your heart out here. Tell her how sorry you are and how wonderful she is. Tell her you want her and the baby. Show up for a look at the ultrasound picture.

[spyyder]

Wow that lie you did must have been pretty bad. Making 1 lie (apart from white lies) CAN tear up a relationship because it kills trust.

 

I wouldn't say you were so bad about wanting her to abort as your right...its no way to bring a child into the world. Personally I think that your chances to get back together might have actually improved as she later on may want you to be a full time father?

 

I don't think you would be able to say what you want to say to her as she wouldn't listen to you properly. So I agree with the above poster, write her a letter so you can get everything down about the way you feel AND she can then read it when she's in the mood, perhaps read it over a few times too. Realize that ANY time you call she'll not be in the mood, but writing her a hand written letter sent in the post would be a way to get to her when she is in the mood.

 

In the letter, FOCUS on how she feels - so say stuff like 'I understand how you feel and don't blame you for your actions', etc. Don't rationalize anything unless its for the baby, because women want emotion (don't say 'I think', say 'I feel'). Say that you want her more than anything, etc, etc. Theres a good chance she doesn't care so don't put too much focus on this.