Fixable situation - or time to move on?

[madmoggy]

I won't bother with the whole back-story as you can find my previous posts in my profile I guess.

 

Short version: Married 7 years, no kids, soul mates/best friends. I'm 36 and she's 28.

 

The first 5 years were bliss, but now we're in serious trouble. There are 5 major problem areas. Here they are - and what I'm doing about them.

 

1. I have a crippling lack of self-confidence. I deal with this by just withdrawing into my comfort zone and not coming out This comes across as just being lazy, lacking in motivation and (most importantly) as not at all manly. My wife has said that the sensitive nice guy was great for the first few years but now she's needs a man. I've been this way for most of my life. It has also caused me to remain very childish. My wife often says she feels like more of a mother than a wife. I am now seeing a Psychologist - I'm fed up with this holding me back AND spoiling my marriage and I'm determined to do something about it.

 

2. I have inappropriate fantasies - pretty messed-up and not something I can talk about here. I can promise it's nothing involving children or animals though Anyway, my wife stumbled across this fantasy a few months ago while using my computer and she was devastated. She's said that I'm like a different person to her now and that she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to deal with it. This was another reason I went to a Psychologist - she said she could deal with it better if she knew I was talking to a professional about it, and I agree completely. However, I don't feel comfortable talking to my current shrink about this issue so I'll be asking for a referral to a specialist sex therapist.

 

3. My wife finds a very particular type of man attractive. I don't look like that type of man This could be a deal-breaker, but she acknowledges that looks aren't everything - and actually being more manly will go a long way to make this up. Indeed, our sex life has been great recently since I started to "man up" Still, she fundamentally doesn't have the hots for me and never will - unless I change to look more like the type of male she desires.......which is possible.

 

4. My wife HATES working. She's an old-fashioned stay-at-home type. This is fine with me. Problem is, she is very well educated and highly employable - she has a very nice job with great benefits. I earn half as much and have no benefits. So not only does she hate work, but also knows it's pretty much down to her to bring in the money and keep our health insurance. That makes her very unhappy. We've known this was a problem for some time, so I've been going to school part-time to get a degree. I have also been applying for jobs obviously - but my confidence/withdrawing problem really makes that hard. This is a major area I'm working on with my psychologist. Still, if I'm not looking for jobs 24/7 and applying to every single position, the wife gets extremely upset at me. She's actually says she wants me to move out and come back when I've got a good job - because it will prove I've "manned up" and am serious about us

 

5. Kids. Wife is at the age where she really wants to start a family. So do I. However, I need to get a good job because she doesn't want to work full-time once we have children (again, fine with me) and she's upset because it seems like I'll never get a decent job. Problem #2 also really scares her - she says that she's not sure how she can have kids with somebody with such sexual fantasies. I don't blame her to be honest - my fantasies are disturbing. Again, she said that if I went to a psychologist she could probably learn to trust me.

 

So there we are. Looks pretty bad when I see it all laid out like that Still, this has all happened within the past couple of years - the first 5 years (yes, yes, I know, "honey period"...) were amazing. It just feels like it's all too much now - she's lost all the respect she had for me, doesn't trust me and doesn't even find me attractive. I'm not sure I can change enough to win her back. I want to fight for it - and I'm trying my hardest because I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her....but I feel like she's given up on me. Is it possible we can save this marriage? We always thought we were perfect for each other - I can't believe it's come to this

Edited July 17, 2010 by madmoggy

[oldfashiongirlie]

Hi, well, I've never been married...

But I know for a fact, it is hard for you to change tons of things about yourself just cause she is not satisfied.

I believe people don't really change, and we should accept/love the one we are with just the way God made them.

What about your needs? Seems like you are trying so hard, but is she truly trying too?

Marriage is not a one way street, and just think if she wants to change everything about you, even the way you look, is it worth it?

Or do you want someone who accepts and loves you for who you are, even with that fantasy you say you have, we all do after all.

Hope I've helped you out a little, sometimes it's good to hear an outsiders opinion.

Good luck!

[habs53]

Hi, well, I've never been married...

But I know for a fact, it is hard for you to change tons of things about yourself just cause she is not satisfied.

I believe people don't really change, and we should accept/love the one we are with just the way God made them.

What about your needs? Seems like you are trying so hard, but is she truly trying too?

Marriage is not a one way street, and just think if she wants to change everything about you, even the way you look, is it worth it?

Or do you want someone who accepts and loves you for who you are, even with that fantasy you say you have, we all do after all.

Hope I've helped you out a little, sometimes it's good to hear an outsiders opinion.

Good luck!

Yeah i agree with this. Just because she desires a man like that, can she attact one? They can have any woman they want. She seems pretty selfish to me.

[eeyore1981]

Wow, that is a LOT of changes going on there. Maybe you can get into contact with an alien race and have them put you into a pod and you can come out a competely different person.

 

Okay, I'm a big fan of working to better yourself, but this is unreasonable all the way to ridiculous, IMHO.

 

My advice would be to go with #1. #1 negates #2 (real men fantasize about the darndest things) and #3 ( I mean, seriously, how many times have you come across a 500lb bald hairy man in a speedo on the beach thinking he is God's gift to women? I've lost count.) Then do #4, after explaining to her you might be willing to cut her some slack regarding #5 until the kids are in school, but after that she will be expected to wait on you, the man and sole breadwinner, hand and foot until death, as that is the 'old-fashioned' way of doing things, and then give her a copy of the book, can't remember the exact name, but it is something about the role of the 1950's era housewife, and I believe it is associated with Redbook, to back up your assertions.

 

Then see if you guys can maybe get into some marriage counseling.

[denise_xo]

I won't bother with the whole back-story as you can find my previous posts in my profile I guess.

 

Short version: Married 7 years, no kids, soul mates/best friends. I'm 36 and she's 28.

 

The first 5 years were bliss, but now we're in serious trouble. There are 5 major problem areas. Here they are - and what I'm doing about them.

 

1. I have a crippling lack of self-confidence. I deal with this by just withdrawing into my comfort zone and not coming out This comes across as just being lazy, lacking in motivation and (most importantly) as not at all manly. My wife has said that the sensitive nice guy was great for the first few years but now she's needs a man. I've been this way for most of my life. It has also caused me to remain very childish. My wife often says she feels like more of a mother than a wife. I am now seeing a Psychologist - I'm fed up with this holding me back AND spoiling my marriage and I'm determined to do something about it.

 

Good luck to you - and do this for yourself first and for your wife second.

 

2. I have inappropriate fantasies - pretty messed-up and not something I can talk about here. I can promise it's nothing involving children or animals though Anyway, my wife stumbled across this fantasy a few months ago while using my computer and she was devastated. She's said that I'm like a different person to her now and that she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to deal with it. This was another reason I went to a Psychologist - she said she could deal with it better if she knew I was talking to a professional about it, and I agree completely. However, I don't feel comfortable talking to my current shrink about this issue so I'll be asking for a referral to a specialist sex therapist.

 

3. My wife finds a very particular type of man attractive. I don't look like that type of man This could be a deal-breaker, but she acknowledges that looks aren't everything - and actually being more manly will go a long way to make this up. Indeed, our sex life has been great recently since I started to "man up" Still, she fundamentally doesn't have the hots for me and never will - unless I change to look more like the type of male she desires.......which is possible.

 

She can't expect you to be 'someone else'. If you can do things differently to improve your sex life together, great. It's reasonable to expect that you keep yourself healthy and in shape. But don't accept some kind of unrealistic demand to be a different person than you are.

 

4. My wife HATES working. She's an old-fashioned stay-at-home type. This is fine with me. Problem is, she is very well educated and highly employable - she has a very nice job with great benefits. I earn half as much and have no benefits. So not only does she hate work, but also knows it's pretty much down to her to bring in the money and keep our health insurance. That makes her very unhappy. We've known this was a problem for some time, so I've been going to school part-time to get a degree. I have also been applying for jobs obviously - but my confidence/withdrawing problem really makes that hard. This is a major area I'm working on with my psychologist. Still, if I'm not looking for jobs 24/7 and applying to every single position, the wife gets extremely upset at me. She's actually says she wants me to move out and come back when I've got a good job - because it will prove I've "manned up" and am serious about us

 

If the issue is that she 'hates to work', that is totally ridiculous in my book. In 2010, women can not go around expecting the man to provide for them. It's a joint responsibility, IMO. If she doesn't like work, well - tough. Show me a person who can feed him/herself by doing nothing.

If the issue is that you, over a period of time, have not pulled your bit of the weight (i.e. done you best based on education level/ work experience and abilities), that's a bit different.

 

5. Kids. Wife is at the age where she really wants to start a family. So do I. However, I need to get a good job because she doesn't want to work full-time once we have children (again, fine with me) and she's upset because it seems like I'll never get a decent job. Problem #2 also really scares her - she says that she's not sure how she can have kids with somebody with such sexual fantasies. I don't blame her to be honest - my fantasies are disturbing. Again, she said that if I went to a psychologist she could probably learn to trust me.

 

So there we are. Looks pretty bad when I see it all laid out like that Still, this has all happened within the past couple of years - the first 5 years (yes, yes, I know, "honey period"...) were amazing. It just feels like it's all too much now - she's lost all the respect she had for me, doesn't trust me and doesn't even find me attractive. I'm not sure I can change enough to win her back. I want to fight for it - and I'm trying my hardest because I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her....but I feel like she's given up on me. Is it possible we can save this marriage? We always thought we were perfect for each other - I can't believe it's come to this

 

Are you guys doing MC? You're in this together....

[spriggig]

Are YOU disturbed by your sexual fantasies?

 

Because that could damage your confidence. Sounds like you need to get that referral tomorrow and make the appointment.