Dixiecron Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Depends on what you do with the anger. If you focus it on something like getting back in shape, fixing up the house, etc. it is a good thing. The anger and comments you're seeing above are, I think, typical for any guy who has been kicked to the curb. Its just venting. Though I do want to hear MeToo's story... I myself prefer to let the "universal balancing force" deal out any punishment that an ex has coming, but that never stopped me from joking about revenge with my buddies while having a beer or three. Its part of the process. Fishman, go get tested. At this point you don't -know- for sure, what she's been up to the last 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 "The vicious anger that is being displayed by some posters towards their ex's is appalling. If nothing else, you should be aware that other women may come to know of your ugly thoughts and deeds, and this will not help you attract the best ones. If you continue to nurture this aggressive hatred, before long you're going to be totally rotted out inside." True, its raw emotion. But how can you justify these feelings? I can be cheery and chippy the as*hole is out of my life since she lost out, but I felt exactly the same way fisherman, durden felt. How else do you deal with this girls who have the "f&*k em and leave em" attitude? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 I've never taken revenge on a girl, im not evil, but I have certainly chatted to friends about how much of a bitch I thought they were. If u start hating someone it helps you heal quicker! I've been **** on big style in the past, and never done anything about it. Link to post Share on other sites
MeToo Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Vicious! That’s taking what I posted to a higher level, Soulmate. So the person that fishman is talking about is OK with you. What if you meet this type of person (not knowing who they were or what is their “usual” agenda) and started a relationship. Could you honestly say, “well what they did to me was OK and we’ll just breakup”. I DON’T THINK SO. You will be angry. You will vent it. Being “kicked to the curve” is premature at this stage, Dixiecron. If you bring (to the other half) what’s wrong and you don’t get any response to why they are doing what they are doing, then what are you suppose to do? I am a firm believer that two people should work through their differences no mater what IF they want their relationship. But when one has a secret agenda, how long are you going to stay there? Once again, I’ll say, “you need to think with you head and not with your heart”. As far as the “payback” I went through, well, I really don’t want to discuss it here. Let’s say it was something “someone” HAD to do. I do not harbor ugly thoughts or deeds. But I will say this….. I am no pushover when it comes to a relationship that went wrong. Walking away from it is not my idea of licking your wounds and hoping to find someone better. We all have these traits within us but we keep them under subjection (you too Soulmate). Apparently, you have not experience this kind of relationship. There are those of us who will “stand up” for what we feel is RIGHT!. Taking revenge is the final stage and not an answer. That revenge can take many forms. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 SoleMate, come on - you are saying to me that I blindly sit there and 'accept' that oeone that I love (and still do) was stoned to the point that I was even left at home on NYE becasue it was more important than me and a person that came home one night whilst tripping and then proceeded to try spend time looking after my kids whilst I went to work. I am ignorant of the things and did not have time casue she was late to notice..... What she has done counters completely my values and morals. I do not pledge to kill or hurt her or degrade her - all I did was tell her that I have no respect for her anymore and that as a person she is something I despise. She is very sad and upset and thinks that I am being harsh - but hell Solemate, she was looking after my kids tripping on acid.... If I am judged bad for thinking this way and being angry and venting feelings then I am bad. Look I love this girl and I know that I would potentially get back with her with some water under the bridge and some serious contemplation of the whole situation but I honestly have no respect for her actions anymore. Can I forgive her? Dont know and why should I? I know karma will get her. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 My ex left me for some unexplained reasons and I felt the need to write her (not overly harshly) in trying to find out truly why. I reading back the letters I only shake my head....I was trying to win her back by trying to explain to her/clear up some things I had said. Had this all impacted her decision? But, hell, she left me for her own reasons and I have to accept that.... I think I freaked her out as I had been broadsided by devils in the past. She didn't deserve this treatment from a nut like me. Now I've blown all chances for friendship and I regret this. All hindsight when I should have just walked and walked. Was I angry? yes. Did she do me wrong? Yes...broken promises and the like. But, hey, I'm a man...the future is ahead of me....I'll continue. Do I still love her? Ofcourse. Anger can only carry you so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 MeToo, OK I think I follow you. Would it be fair to say that you gave "the big payback" in order to prevent other guys from getting hurt by her? If that is the case, I would say that is an honorable thing to do. In the martial art I study, this sort of thing is referred to as "katsujin ken" or "life giving sword". As opposed to "satsujin ken" which is "death giving sword" i.e. revenge for the sake of your own pride or hurt feelings. At some times I think my ex needs the same thing, but I think she'll do it to herself eventually. Fishman, Keep hanging in. Solemate, Don't mean to jump on you or anything, but if you check out what MeToo said in an earlier post in this thread (regarding men going down real hard from being completely in love and holding things in) you'll get a big clue into the "minds of men". Right now you have a (frightening?) front row seat to the sort of rage/pain/darkness that every guy goes through at some point in their life. On another message board I read, a guy described this by saying "every man has had his Relationship Vietnam". Link to post Share on other sites
MeToo Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Dario, A nut? Well, that’s calling the kettle black! So you screwed up. A natural reaction to a relationship gone wrong WHEN IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Rage, anger, and a few more “niceties” also comes to mind. But hold on Dario. All is not lost. The thread that binds you to her at this stage is “an open dialog”. You said you read her letters. No, she didn’t deserve whatever you said WITHOUT you knowing just what was wrong. Without that knowledge, you really didn’t have an avenue to pursue with you “demons”. You made a mistake. Clear and simple or is it not so simple. Only you and her know. From where I sit, you do have options to “inject” some life in this situation but you’ll have to act soon. The longer you wait, the ‘fainter the trail becomes”. Send her an “apology” card. Say something apologetic about your behavior and “nothing more”. I’ll explain that another time. At this juncture, expect nothing back. Being an adult is one thing; being a man is quite another thing. Right now, you are an adult and you need to be adult about the position you are now in. Sure, there will be more mountains to climb but this hill you just came down from was not a challenge. Self-evaluation is what you need to do concerning your behavior when something like this come up. Start with “what I didn’t do in the relationship?” Once you are finished with this list, correct them one at a time through reading and support groups. This forum only gives “insight” to where you are or identify your case with others. If what you posted, “But, hey, I'm a man...the future is ahead of me....I'll continue” is true, then my hat is off to you. We deal with many personalities during our lifetime. Knowing how to “deal” with them is always a job. Yes, we all make mistakes. Knowing how to eliminate them is paramount in our dealings with relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Edd Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Hey Durden, I'm havin the same situation as yours..... how long did it take to actually forget bout ur ex ? We've been together ****ing 3 years. It's been a week since we broke up and i've called her twice. She said she could be my best friend but I cant...I just miss her too damn much. For 3 years we've been talking every nite, seeing each other every week, and now having that suddenly stop. It really brings me down and gets me depressed. I wanted to move on but i kept thinkin bout her...I miss her so much and hoping that she'll be back for me. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Guys - move on. They've lost you. It makes you angry, it is a mix of emotions. Me? I played it by sabotage...she did call post break-up with reconcilling thoughts....the anger within me was there and the weariness and the confusion. Maybe she just was checking up on me...I don't know. My tone of voice meant she never called me again...and so, I stupidly sent her a note....harsh in some tones. I'm calling it quits with the very notion of her for know that if she didn't want to tell me straight etc...then what's with that? I don't know. Solitude is a strange thing...it will either whip you into shape or crush you. The former is what I'm after and it's all that I want. Close the chapter on it all. I only know that if my ex calls in the future I won't know what to say...and perhaps all that I will be able to say is 'I've forgotten about you...it's been hard but it's been for the best.' Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Mine is history - I m now hearing from nonymous sources how I am this huge racist and my family is also. I know where this came from cause I can trace the email to its source (I work in IT.) I have found her since leaving to be to be honest a headcase, giving me conflicting messages and lieing to others to validate her decisions. She is back taking drugs also and to be honest I have little respect for her anymore. I dont care no if I have a friendship with her or not to be honest. I hope she fnds her enlightenment and finds herself, but I aint gonna be there for her anymore. I dont know if I feel anything for her anymore - I certainly dont have ;love for her anymore. Plus side for me is that Iknow have met and dated some 3 women and loving it. My mates all agree with what my version of the events are and I know I did NOTHING wrong. Her loss. If something happens in the future it does, other than that she is just a memory. I do not know the woman she is - I want to remember her as she was. One day she will realise her loss - not my problem. I am moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Just had my ex on the phone asking me if i could help her unblock her mobile phone. Needs a puk code, so me being a twat said ill phone the phone operator and see what i can do. Anyway, cant do nothing because its registered under her name. Asks me how i am, so told her im fine, which i have been. Then she decides to tell me not in so many words she's been sleeping around alot. Didnt really want to know that. Ive been in a good mood the past few weeks and moving on. Now thats really put me in a downer. ****ing bitch!! Didnt know it was her on the phone as my house phone doent have caller id thing on it. If i knew it was her i dont know if i would even had answered it. She asked if i had met anyone, and i said no. I know i shouldnt have even answered the question, but at the time i didnt think. Some woman can be so evil. So, now im in a real bad mood and feel really hurt all over again. She said she wanted me to leave her alone and i have. At least i didnt sound that i was pissed off, i kept my chin up and sounded like i really didnt give a **** what she did, but deep down i do Life sucks sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 You know what I think? And correct me anyone if I am wrong - I reckon these people ring up on the pretext of something (in my own case a bill or the unit the was not transfered into my name) for the explicit reason to shock the other person and to make them (the 'dumpee') give a s**t about them and to make the 'dumper' appear in their minds caring again. Pure manipulation of the facts to suit themselves. I reckon they do this to open the door ajar again - whether consciously or unconsciously - because they have been missing the other person and the relationship. In your case Durden I view it like this: she wants a PUK - if she dont want you, why did she not ring her phone company? I mean really???? In my case, why not just sms me saying a power bill came and I am mailing it to you?? Comes down to it the world without us is not as beautiful and they are feeling guilty. Like an addict going back for their fix. I treat it like this now. I am cold and transparent. I do not show any feelings nor do I prompt responses. If I get told about her day then I go 'OK' or 'that's nice' and show some disinterest in their life. Make them come to you if they want you and feel what they are REALLY missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Ive perked myself up a bit now. Went to the gym and saw a friend, told him all about it and got it off my chest. Always seems to come to me when she's got a problem. I'm too nice half the time. I really havent got the heart to tell her to F off. There is absoulutly no way i will be getting back with her. I dont want to be her friend either as I think you cant be friends with someone who's just ripped your guts out, chewed them up and spat them out. If she ever contacts me again, i'll just reply by a SMS to please leave me alone, exactly what she sent to me. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Well done man. I am undecided what I want - moe than likely would have a go but she can come to me for the effort. She reckons at the end of April we will have some time where we are friends - but I told her that I cannot just turn off my feelings and acept things like that. She will realise. I know. Maybe she might get me on a day where I actually care for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 Well, it gets better and better!! A couple of days ago i got a text from my ex saying that her friend was killed in a car crash the other night. I was shocked, didnt know what to say, especially after what she said to me the other day. I didnt reply, not because i didnt care, but i really didnt know what to say. Anyway, about 2 hrs later she phoned, I wasn't going to answer but thought, hell might as well. Anyway, it turns out a girl that i used to work with was killed I was really shocked, and just said I'm really sorry, and that I didnt know what to say. And basiclly that was the end of the conversation. I text her a little while later saying i was sorry, I knew she was good friends with her, and hoped she was ok. Anyway, today i was worried about her so just text her to say I hope she was ok, and if she needed someone to talk to i was here for her. I wish I didnt bother! I spoke to her about 2 hours ago, and she was telling me how she had a threesome with some ppl i knew at work. I was totally ****ed off and hurt. How can anyone be so bloody cruel. I just said I had to go and put the phone down. So much for actually giving a **** about someone. I've just recieved a text asking why i put the phone down so quick!! Hello!!! Why the **** do u think!! I havent replied and have no intention of doing so. So, it sounds like she is just making a total fool of herself. Well good luck to her, its proves that i am in a better position now than what i was when i was with her! Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 You gotta wonder about it dont you? Man!! My ex keeps contacting me - I was drunk the other night so I smsed her 'I miss you' 24 hours later I get an sms sayng 'wanna meet up on Sunday?" I says I am busy and I get reply "how about next week?" I reply dont know what I am doing. Anyhow later on that night I get an email saying not to be hostile and contrite and that........... well..... there was some playful tings that 'friends' dont say. I replied with this: "In regards to me and you meeting up, I am working now these days mon – fri 11 to 7.15pm and then sun- thurs same hours. I want you to come over but make it known it will not be so you can use my car. I want your company cause I miss you. Yes I want cuddles and to hold you thru the night. I want you but I don’t know how to feel about it or you. If you can handle it then come over, otherwise don’t. Time is running out for us. I think of it like this: you must also be missing me or else no contact would happen. Clear as mud to anybody. Your call…" Cant do anymore. I got three women interested in me and all I want is to hold this one again. Man, this stuff sux. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 As a follow up... I ound out the reason she wanted to meet.... so she can borrow my car... Thats OK, yu break my heart, vilify me and my family to strangers and lie and do stuff like drugs and then I am supposed to take you into my world and give you some help to make YOUR life good??????????? Ummm........ How should I answer this one? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 How about "No, you can't borrow my car." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 how about "get f***ed u pill popping layabout" Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Both of you guys have to realize that IT IS OVER. This so called relationship you still have in your head isn't there in reality. It is now a power struggle between you and your ex. When power struggles start in a relationship, its the beginning of the end. A relationship is 50/50. Right now they are giving 0 and you have wishful thinking. Deny it all you want, but you are hanging on every word they say. Now the reason why I'm being to the point about this is that you NEED to stop all contact with them. This is so that you can start the 5 stages of grief. I've posted this for others and they all have agreed they are going through this.. I'll post it here for you as well. You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are: 1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind. 2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage. Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family. 3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage. You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change". 4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage. You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation. 5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage. Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward. Suggestions when you find yourself suddenly single Avoid long term legal decisions. If you are in an emotional state its better to put off long term legal decisions until your thinking is less cloudy. Drive carefully. It’s easy to become distracted when you are grieving so use care when you get behind the wheel. Seek support for your kids and yourself. Your kids are grieving along with you and will need support. It might be wise at this point to have separate grief sessions apart from your children if you're experiencing anger and resentment. We all know you miss them and would do anything in the world to get them back. But the way they were in the past is just that. In the PAST. They no longer have the love or feelings for you they once had. I won't say who is to blame about why, because each has their own story, but a few months down the road without contact you might try to be honest within yourself and go back with an analyze things you've said or done in the past to possibly make them feel bad, etc.. If a couple is in a very happy, loving, caring relationship there is no reason for the other to leave. For them to say the hurtful things they are saying, it's there way of saying 'Let me go'. The best thing you can do for yourself and to show them what they've missed is to live a happy, loving and successful life. Trust me.. I've been there. I was engaged, with her for 5 years. She left me for my ex best friend of 15 years. I was put through all the torture. It was pure hell. But then I realized after all the blaming on her, that I said and did things that really hurt her. Only until after I admitted that was I able to learn and grow from my experience. Now my current fiancee, all the things I've learned I am putting towards this relationship and it's been successful 100%. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 I know its over!! I havent contacted her, she contacted me. And after the last conversation, I am NOT going to answer the phone or reply to a SMS. Ok, i'm not 100% over her, but im getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Well then when she tries to contact you, don't answer. If you run into her just say 'I think its best we don't have anymore contact' and leave it at that. It took me a year to get over my ex, but after about 3 months without any contact with her I saw the head games and the abuse she was giving me. Link to post Share on other sites
fishman3226 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Mate, I completely agree - hell, I have told her as such not to contact me.. Hell, this week I got messages like 'can i borrow the car,''I was just in a car crash,''I miss you,' and (the most wierd) 'are you sening me email viruses.....' Thisbird is crazy to be honest - I dont want her in my life. Hell, me and a girl that I was sleeping with (she stayed over) were having a nice giggle about the virus sms.... All I wish is she is OK. I aint taking back a drug using mental case. I am moving on. Just wish that he would leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Durden Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Im not even bothering to reply if she sends me an SMS. Not when i can use the energy playing Unreal Tournament 2004 online Link to post Share on other sites
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