Author tattoo Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 No matter how bad your marriage, crappy your life or unfulfilled you are....you do not have the right to be a detriment to his's wife's marriage. What did she do to you? What did his family do to you? It isn't only about you and your family when you involve yourself with a married person. There are ties there that go further than just him. What hurts his wife hurts his family and you are an accessory to inflicting that pain. That's wrong. I realize that my actions certainly do not help his marriage, just as much as I'm sure he realizes his do not help mine. I feel a certain amount of guilt regarding my involvement in his life... and I realize this is not going to win me any points, but I also believe he is responsible for his own marriage problems, just as I am mine. I will accept my contribution to failure in my own marriage, but I will not in his. That he has stepped outside his own marriage is indication there were problems before I entered the picture. I know of some of his issues - his wife is bipolar, he has childhood issues of abandonment - Those existed long before me. I have issues of my own - physical abuse when I was a child, an uncle molested me once as a child - but that is neither here nor there, as far as my role in his marriage. I'm not using these things as an excuse or reason for my idiocy. I can say honestly that I KNOW I'm an idiot. I'm old enough and smart enough to know better. I will apologize for being a PART of that pain in his wife's life - by function of me being involved with him - but I won't apologize and say I'm the cause of their marital woes. Because I'm not.
Author tattoo Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 I'm sorry, but having parents that fight and cheat on each other is way worse for kids than divorce in the long term. Unless the divorce is super nasty and the parents use the kids to fight... at which point the marriage was probably just as bad. If I were to leave, it would be very traumatizing indeed. It would be out of left field for them. That is what makes me think the self-sacrificing route could be more palatable for me. To end an EA, live unfulfilled, etc. I think I might be able to do that until they are a bit more seasoned in life. I would hate to think they were shocked into reality at a young age because of me. They see a nice picture right now, but as they get older I know they will see cracks. IF it comes to a separation or divorce, I will NEVER use my kids as pawns. I would sooner die. I would hope that he and I would be able to rise above any pettiness in order to make it as easy for the kids as possible. He IS a good father. And despite my own personal failings, I AM a good mother. Maybe not a role model, but I know I'm good to them. RG - when your parents divorced, how old were you? Were you aware of any marital problems? BTW, signing off for the weekend, but would appreciate any further comments. I will reply as soon as I am back from my time away.
bentnotbroken Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I realize that my actions certainly do not help his marriage, just as much as I'm sure he realizes his do not help mine. I feel a certain amount of guilt regarding my involvement in his life... and I realize this is not going to win me any points, but I also believe he is responsible for his own marriage problems, just as I am mine. I will accept my contribution to failure in my own marriage, but I will not in his. That he has stepped outside his own marriage is indication there were problems before I entered the picture. I know of some of his issues - his wife is bipolar, he has childhood issues of abandonment - Those existed long before me. I have issues of my own - physical abuse when I was a child, an uncle molested me once as a child - but that is neither here nor there, as far as my role in his marriage. I'm not using these things as an excuse or reason for my idiocy. I can say honestly that I KNOW I'm an idiot. I'm old enough and smart enough to know better. I will apologize for being a PART of that pain in his wife's life - by function of me being involved with him - but I won't apologize and say I'm the cause of their marital woes. Because I'm not. I never spoke of his marital issues and you being responsible for them. That is you projecting. I said you are a contributer to the pain that an affair causes...and you are. Just as he is for your family. I said your issues are not reason enough to add to the pain in his home and visa versa. NO one said anything about an apology for his marital issues or called you and idiot. Where did you see that?
SidLyon Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I know I am opening myself up to all opinions. I am prepared. But I am truly at a crossroads. I don't know how to summarize everything, but I will try, in bullet form. -been with H for 19 yrs -young kids -ongoing marital problems (even pre-marriage), but we stay together -H had brief EA 4 yrs ago, although he does not recognize it as such -I had E/PA with MM for 2 years, started nearly 5 years ago. therefore his EA and my E/PA overlapped, although the duration of his EA was markedly shorter than mine -I fell in love with this man, contemplated leaving my H for this man, but for the sake of the children, wanted to see if I could make it work with H. -full disclosure to H 3 yrs ago -H decided he would forgive me and we would remain together - established NC with MM -I requested MC, he did not want (very private, does not want to disclose personal problems, even if to a licensed therapist); so we tried open communication and transparency. -I tried very hard to rebuild and regain his trust by being honest and transparent from that day forward- but it seems he did not want to try as much, or perhaps felt I needed to work harder in repairs. I understand he was hurt, and angry. I understood why I needed to be the one to make more effort in rebuilding, but it truly seemed he didn't want to try with his part in making me understand how to make it better. No communication on his part on how he felt about the issue, even if I wanted to discuss it more openly. But I wanted to respect how he wanted to discuss our marriage. However, I didn't feel we were getting anywhere. I requested MC again - he does not want. -I do love him - he is a good man, and a good father, but he seems unable to get outside of his comfort zone to help move our relationship to the next level. -I left home once with kids - tired of pretending all was ok, when it was not. -when I returned, I suggested maybe we were not right for each other, but he wanted to try and make it work.... but I feel like I have tried, but he doesn't -he is not mean to me, but he is not gentle and kind. I have tried to be all he wants, but with no acknowledgment or verbal/indicated appreciation of my efforts, it has become very difficult for me to continue in my efforts to pay for everything I have done. -ironically he wants another child - I cannot even begin to contemplate the rationale of this, as how can we have another baby when we still haven't fixed our marriage? -NC was broken with xMM - and we are back in contact re-engaged in a very intense EA. -I am NOT making excuses - but I am tired of feeling unloved and unappreciated after putting myself out there openly and honestly with H post-D-day, to be met with no effort to truly reconcile and repair our relationship. -I KNOW I should just sh*t or get off the pot -but breaking up my family home, shattering the innocence of the kids... it is what keeps me here, primarily -If I could choose a better life with H (and I did), I would... but I don't know how else to keep trying without MC, without apparent willingness on his part. I KNOW he loves me, he just has a hard time showing it, and sharing it. How do I reach out to a man like this? -I KNOW the EA is a crappy choice, but I am shriveling up inside, and I am very selfishly feeling the need for emotional fulfillment. -on a side note, while my H and I are not emotionally intimate, we still have good sex, although it has become difficult for me to desire him when I feel he doesn't value emotional intimacy. If you have questions, please ask, I am just trying to give a brief summary. THere is obviously more in details, but hard to put in words without a comment/question to provoke deeper thought. Ok, I will put on my flame-retardant suit. My advice is you need to be completely honest with him. I suggest you sit him down and tell him all the things I have bolded above. Especially the underlined bit. He needs to know that by remaining withdrawn from you and not meeting your emotional needs is contributing to you resuming your affair and will result in his betrayal again. I am not suggesting he will be at fault for you betraying him again - this is your weakness and your way of dealing with unmet needs (a way with which I happen to disagree). I am a BW who is reasonably successfully reconciling my marriage after my husband's long term affair and other once-off infidelities. He like your H has always been an emotionally remote person. He is going all out in endeavoring to make our relationship a wonderful place to be (and he's succeeding). In return I recognise that he is working very hard at this, and so I reciprocate (because I too have my loner moments). It is not exactly the same situation as yours but it does take 2 to properly recover a marriage from gross infidelity. I know my H would be capable of resuming contact with his OW if he felt unloved, ignored and unappreciated by me or felt we lacked a true intimate connection. It sounds like your H doesn't truly recognise what is at stake here so you have to spell it out to him. ie most importantly you really need to tell him about your continuing contact with the OM. In my opinion you won't succeed in staying married without honesty no matter how much you work at at. Good luck
turnera Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 and I realize this is not going to win me any points, but I also believe he is responsible for his own marriage problems, just as I am mine. I will accept my contribution to failure in my own marriage, but I will not in his. Spoken as a TRUE cheater. Gag me.
lostsunsets Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) good golly, I have never allowed this man into my home and wouldn't even think about having sexual relations while the kids are present. Holy crap. I am sorry about that. Maybe I am naive in thinking the kids are "none the wiser" - but I really think they are insulated from our troubles. If anything, the one area we make great efforts in is the children, so on that level we agree. But yes, I would be stupid to think they might not one day figure out things aren't all roses. I am really appreciating all this feedback and insight. I have much reflection to do. You have never allowed this man into your house? Yet you have allowed his penis in you? Interesting. Wouldn't one think that it would be easier and more comfortable to allow a friend, some one that you know, some one that you trust, to come into your house? Instead you are more comfortable to let him up in your guts, then to entertain him in your home or introduce him to your kids? Do you even think about what you believe b4 you write it? You will protect your children from "this man" but the very sanctum of your vagina, the part that you vowed to share with one man (your husband) is available to someone who you wouldn't let your kids know? Wow. Edited July 17, 2010 by lostsunsets
jnj express Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Tattoo---stop with the excuses---every post you throw out is an excuse for something----- Believe me your kids know something isn't right Your kids are not a reason for you to stay in a crappy tension filled unhappy mge. Tell me do you really think cheating is better than divorce??? Cuz right now that is what you are espousing. If you have a bad mge. get out of it. Isn't this the real truth---you are scared out of your mind of having to be divorced/single.----Believe me you and your kids will survive. Also then your messing around is not cheating, as long as its with unmarried men!!!!!!!
U2RockZz Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 then why waste your H's time...you don't seem to be really cared about working on M....then why waste time get a D....do what you want to do....don't come up with more BS....if you are really wanted your M to work ...you wouldn't have an A to start with...but you had/having multiple affairs while tricking your H for MC, IC and loads of other S***...that makes you a serial cheater and manipulator.....why do you need more attention from your H...you are getting loads of them behind his back anyways....get a D...do not waste that guy's time
Woman In Blue Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 If I were to leave, it would be very traumatizing indeed. It would be out of left field for them. That is what makes me think the self-sacrificing route could be more palatable for me. Tattoo, with all due respect, your kids are no more special than anyone else's who've had to adjust to their parent's divorce. There will certainly be an adjustment period, but this silly falling on the sword "for the sake of the children" and playing the martyr by staying in a marriage is so cliche it isn't even funny anymore. Relationships go bad. People change. People fall out of love. Life changes. Life isn't fair. Children are innocent and didn't ask for any of this. But sometimes, it's just the way it has to be whether it's fair or not. You no longer have a mental or emotional conection to your husband. He prefers to hunker down in his recliner and act childish and stubborn when it comes to trying to bring about change and/or improvement to your marriage. You can't do it alone - been there, done that, waiting for the video. I guess your husband thinks the marriage fairy is going to come through the window and touch you both with her wand, eliminating all the bad and bringing only sweetness and light. Please tell him not to hold his breath while he waits. Children certainly do make it much harder to leave a marriage, but not impossible. I'm not even going to address the MM because I know you have bigger things on your plate right now. When I was faced with a sinking marriage (and a verbally and emotionally abusive husband which isn't your case, however) what I did do was tell him I was leaving. He begged me to give him 6 months to turn himself around by going to therapy and trying to "fix" his issues. Unfortunately, he didn't have great follow-through with that ambitious promise he'd made, so I left him at the 4 month mark. But why not give your husband a set amount of time (3 months, 6 months..whatever) to REALLY put forth an effort to get this thing back on track once and for all, or you'll be leaving? Whether that effort is spent in marriage counseling, individual counesling, etc. etc. is up to you both and can be decided down the road. Setting a deadline and letting him see you mean BUSINESS this time might actually unfreeze him from that cozy little coccoon he's built in the recliner and set a fire under his ass to move it - or lose it. Good luck to you.
Confused_in_canada Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I'm just amazed that so many of us go through this. I guess gone are the days of Iron Clad marriages. Mine is on the rocks too and my W doesn't seem to realize it even though we've had 2 fights in 3 nights. Anyways, to the OP I agree that it's perhaps time to move on, time for you to have some you time and time for you to be happy. Obviously your not happy where you are but, before you jump into another Relationship spend a year or so alone to really figure out who you are. It always sucks when kids are involved as I too am in that boat but, they WILL get over it and the WILL understand that they have 2 parents that really love them. In the end it's ultimately you that is making this call. I am fighting with the same turmoil myself and I hope by the end of the summer I will be at the bottom of the pot with a clear head... Good luck. Hope all of this helps -Evan
Gfkr2 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I don't condone cheating. I hate it. But humans are fallible. Great people can cheat. Awful people may never cheat. Just sayin'. Great men and women do NOT cheat. Cheaters are unable to tell the truth and are the masters/mistresses of deception. The hurt their BS, children, parents and siblings and put their on egotistical needs before there own families. There are NO great people that cheat. Sorry to rain on your parade.
Author tattoo Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 I never spoke of his marital issues and you being responsible for them. That is you projecting. I said you are a contributer to the pain that an affair causes...and you are. Just as he is for your family. I said your issues are not reason enough to add to the pain in his home and visa versa. NO one said anything about an apology for his marital issues or called you and idiot. Where did you see that? I'm back from my weekend away with my sister. sorry Bent, you're probably right that I'm projecting... this is why I knew it would be good to post here. Gives me things to think about.
Author tattoo Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 alright, have had a chance to read all the responses, and I appreciate that things this forum is a place to feel safe. I feel mostly this way - a lot of people, while completely in disagreement, about my situation, have given me a lot of things to think about. I appreciate all your feedback. I realize that many people will criticize me in how I am dealing with this, but I am looking for constructive suggestions to this. I understand that some may feel it is better to kick me while I am down (I get that is part of this forum, however... gotta take the good and the bad) I will talk to H tonight about EVERYTHING.... and let the chips fall where they may. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE for your help. It has been enormous.
Author tattoo Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Tattoo, with all due respect, your kids are no more special than anyone else's who've had to adjust to their parent's divorce. There will certainly be an adjustment period, but this silly falling on the sword "for the sake of the children" and playing the martyr by staying in a marriage is so cliche it isn't even funny anymore. Relationships go bad. People change. People fall out of love. Life changes. Life isn't fair. Children are innocent and didn't ask for any of this. But sometimes, it's just the way it has to be whether it's fair or not. You no longer have a mental or emotional conection to your husband. He prefers to hunker down in his recliner and act childish and stubborn when it comes to trying to bring about change and/or improvement to your marriage. You can't do it alone - been there, done that, waiting for the video. I guess your husband thinks the marriage fairy is going to come through the window and touch you both with her wand, eliminating all the bad and bringing only sweetness and light. Please tell him not to hold his breath while he waits. Children certainly do make it much harder to leave a marriage, but not impossible. I'm not even going to address the MM because I know you have bigger things on your plate right now. When I was faced with a sinking marriage (and a verbally and emotionally abusive husband which isn't your case, however) what I did do was tell him I was leaving. He begged me to give him 6 months to turn himself around by going to therapy and trying to "fix" his issues. Unfortunately, he didn't have great follow-through with that ambitious promise he'd made, so I left him at the 4 month mark. But why not give your husband a set amount of time (3 months, 6 months..whatever) to REALLY put forth an effort to get this thing back on track once and for all, or you'll be leaving? Whether that effort is spent in marriage counseling, individual counesling, etc. etc. is up to you both and can be decided down the road. Setting a deadline and letting him see you mean BUSINESS this time might actually unfreeze him from that cozy little coccoon he's built in the recliner and set a fire under his ass to move it - or lose it. Good luck to you. thank you...
anderson345 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi Tattoo, Thanks for your post on my thread. I didnt realise you were in a similar situation. You actually sound like what my wifes feeling, and needs what she does. But we are maybe younger and more newly married? Anyway what i wanted to ask was - what is it you want emotionally from him? Are we talking about little things to show our appreciation for housework, or just asking how your day is? Or something deeper? I would really appreciate this if you have the chance. By the way I think i might be a bit like your H in some respects. But i havent done any EA/PA etc...
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) Tattoo.. just a quick point. I have a very good girl friend of 20 years. When she was younger, her father was a political figure in her local area and he used to spend a lot of his time at local conferences etc ... and ... having lots of opportunity to sleep around and in the end court a mistress for nearly 20 years. Her father was dumbfounded many years later when he was sick in hospital and my friend asked him about the lady visiting him. He tried to fluff his way through the 'just a friend' thing. Until my friend made clear to her Dad that she knew who she was. When he explained that he'd stayed for the kids and their security... she thanked him for his sacrifice but made it clear to him that he'd made it at the expense of proving to her and her brother, he was a liar and a cheat of the deepest order. Most of all he lied and cheated to her mother. Now of course, I only have the details as my friend related it to me... but the impact of her telling me that her father had taught her it was okay to cheat and lie to your SO was truly profound for me. I've never forgotten it. The key was, her father had never told her there was someone else... she'd worked it out years ago when she was younger. It just surprised her at his bedside that it was the same woman, which is when she made clear that her father was aware of all those wasted years of 'sacrifice'. It was no sacrifice at all and at the end of that conversation I had with her, she told me she was bitterly disappointed with him because he thought so little of her and her brother that he couldn't be honest with them and he felt he had to 'give up' his life. He passed the responsibility for his life to his kids. It was a real shame and it pains her even now. He has cancer now and he's dying and she calls me up in tears because at the end of the day all she feels about him is 'he's a man I don't really know'. It's a real shame. So... please, before you 'stay for the kids' really think carefully about that decision. By the way, I should say - that I myself had parents who split when I was five. Personally, I would go through what I did every time rather than what my friend did. At least both my parents were true to themselves - it took myself and my sis a long time to accept that my parents didn't love each other... but we got over it in the end Edited August 5, 2010 by Chinook
Spark1111 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I think you have two choices. Tell your husband he does not emote enough for you and you had hoped therapy would help you two have the emotional intimacy you are craving. Tell him this is such a deal breaker for you that you have re-initiated contact with xOM. Tell him everything you have told us. Tell him while realizing the stupidity of it all, xOM fills this need of yours. Identify the need and ask him to fill it. If he willing to attend IC, MC with you: Stop all contact with MM. It won't work otherwise. If he won't, can't, then you can divorce H. And at that point, what you do with MM is totally up to you.
lkjh Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I don't buy your story. You try too hard to paint your H in a bad light and the best you can come up with is "he wouldn't go to MC after you cheated on him". Oh and you think he had a EA after your cheated on him with a MM. Sorry but you just sound needy and selfish. Tell your H so he can divorce you and then sit back and watch what happens with the MM when his W finds out.
OhGeesh Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Great men and women do NOT cheat. Cheaters are unable to tell the truth and are the masters/mistresses of deception. The hurt their BS, children, parents and siblings and put their on egotistical needs before there own families. There are NO great people that cheat. Sorry to rain on your parade. Like throwing absolutes around? I won't get into this, but I'll argue tons of porn, alcholism, severe gambling, is no better!! All cheaters and all cheating is not the same either.......principle yes reality NO.
Justice2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I know I am opening myself up to all opinions. I am prepared. But I am truly at a crossroads. I don't know how to summarize everything, but I will try, in bullet form. -been with H for 19 yrs -young kids -ongoing marital problems (even pre-marriage), but we stay together -H had brief EA 4 yrs ago, although he does not recognize it as such -I had E/PA with MM for 2 years, started nearly 5 years ago. therefore his EA and my E/PA overlapped, although the duration of his EA was markedly shorter than mine -I fell in love with this man, contemplated leaving my H for this man, but for the sake of the children, wanted to see if I could make it work with H. -full disclosure to H 3 yrs ago -H decided he would forgive me and we would remain together - established NC with MM -I requested MC, he did not want (very private, does not want to disclose personal problems, even if to a licensed therapist); so we tried open communication and transparency. -I tried very hard to rebuild and regain his trust by being honest and transparent from that day forward- but it seems he did not want to try as much, or perhaps felt I needed to work harder in repairs. I understand he was hurt, and angry. I understood why I needed to be the one to make more effort in rebuilding, but it truly seemed he didn't want to try with his part in making me understand how to make it better. No communication on his part on how he felt about the issue, even if I wanted to discuss it more openly. But I wanted to respect how he wanted to discuss our marriage. However, I didn't feel we were getting anywhere. I requested MC again - he does not want. -I do love him - he is a good man, and a good father, but he seems unable to get outside of his comfort zone to help move our relationship to the next level. -I left home once with kids - tired of pretending all was ok, when it was not. -when I returned, I suggested maybe we were not right for each other, but he wanted to try and make it work.... but I feel like I have tried, but he doesn't -he is not mean to me, but he is not gentle and kind. I have tried to be all he wants, but with no acknowledgment or verbal/indicated appreciation of my efforts, it has become very difficult for me to continue in my efforts to pay for everything I have done. -ironically he wants another child - I cannot even begin to contemplate the rationale of this, as how can we have another baby when we still haven't fixed our marriage? -NC was broken with xMM - and we are back in contact re-engaged in a very intense EA. -I am NOT making excuses - but I am tired of feeling unloved and unappreciated after putting myself out there openly and honestly with H post-D-day, to be met with no effort to truly reconcile and repair our relationship. -I KNOW I should just sh*t or get off the pot -but breaking up my family home, shattering the innocence of the kids... it is what keeps me here, primarily -If I could choose a better life with H (and I did), I would... but I don't know how else to keep trying without MC, without apparent willingness on his part. I KNOW he loves me, he just has a hard time showing it, and sharing it. How do I reach out to a man like this? -I KNOW the EA is a crappy choice, but I am shriveling up inside, and I am very selfishly feeling the need for emotional fulfillment. -on a side note, while my H and I are not emotionally intimate, we still have good sex, although it has become difficult for me to desire him when I feel he doesn't value emotional intimacy. If you have questions, please ask, I am just trying to give a brief summary. THere is obviously more in details, but hard to put in words without a comment/question to provoke deeper thought. Ok, I will put on my flame-retardant suit. You really can't work on your marriage until you end your EA. Your husband needs to go into MC with you. Maybe he's not doing that because he feels like you are holding back? And if you chose to go with your EA instead of your Marriage, you need to end the marriage first. How does your EA feel about commitment, is he willing to work on it as hard as you? If you are serious about this, then one or the other needs to end. You can't be a cakeeater.
U2RockZz Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 first of all, i don't believe the story about your H's EA....that just seems to made up in order to get more lighter replies....if you are really tried too hard to get your M on track....as you put it...then you won't trash your "hard work" for the same man twice....so don't feed the bull....get the D and let your H be free from you...from your depiction i don't really see any problem in his life except you....i am sure he will be happy.....did you really stop the affair....?????....did you really confess your A....???
Author tattoo Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Hi Tattoo, Thanks for your post on my thread. I didnt realise you were in a similar situation. You actually sound like what my wifes feeling, and needs what she does. But we are maybe younger and more newly married? Anyway what i wanted to ask was - what is it you want emotionally from him? Are we talking about little things to show our appreciation for housework, or just asking how your day is? Or something deeper? I would really appreciate this if you have the chance. By the way I think i might be a bit like your H in some respects. But i havent done any EA/PA etc... I don't consider myself old. I am hitting 40 soon, but maybe that is old. I think what I want is the little things, like "how was your day?" or "thanks for making dinner - I appreciate it" "I know you do alot around here, I notice it, thank you". THose are little things. Seems like shortly after we got married, he stopped "trying". He would sit at the dinner table and choose to read a paper instead of talking with me about what happened during our days. He began to get mad about little things like I stepped on a pumpkin plant that he had been growing in the backyard by accident, and it snapped off. It truly was an accident - the plant had began snaking its way into our lawn. He was livid about that. It stands out in my memory. And I had apologized profusely,. but he was so mad, and then he didn't apologize to me for losing it. He won't be affectionate unless he wants sex. He doesn't tell me he thinks I'm beautiful. Little things. All I really have ever wanted was the same appreciation he showed early in our relationship. It's not major stuff, but even if he took me out for coffee, I'd be happy. There are deeper things. I try to challenge myself intellectually, so I read alot. He doesn't see the need for reading, I respect that. But he tells me it's a waste of time, why bother. that sort of thing. I can respect him not liking to do something, why can he not respect mine. My parents are very religious. I don't agree with all their values and participate in their practices but I respect this is where they derive meaning in their lives. He will criticize religious people and say it's pointless and stupid. I then point out that in criticizing and insulting these people, he is insulting my own parents, whom I love and respect enormously. He doesn't get that though. I can't pin point it all... but it boils down to feeling i have worth in his life and he values me. That feeling has degenerated over the years.... and I have made a mess, yes, but I did begin our marriage with very good intentions, and even after I originally broke things off with MM, I tried VERY hard. I did everything he wanted. Not sure, just tell her you appreciate her. don't know that helped. I want to elaborate, but there are more posts to reply to.... hopefully I can get back to this later, or in reading my other replies, you will get a sense of what I need: Emotional intimacy.
Author tattoo Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 I think you have two choices. Tell your husband he does not emote enough for you and you had hoped therapy would help you two have the emotional intimacy you are craving. Tell him this is such a deal breaker for you that you have re-initiated contact with xOM. Tell him everything you have told us. Tell him while realizing the stupidity of it all, xOM fills this need of yours. Identify the need and ask him to fill it. If he willing to attend IC, MC with you: Stop all contact with MM. It won't work otherwise. If he won't, can't, then you can divorce H. And at that point, what you do with MM is totally up to you. I had a talk with my H about renewed contact with MM, he is NOT happy (understatement). he doesn't understand why. (I guess many others don't either). I told him I'm emotionally starved, and I want him to talk to me. Engage me... make me laugh, make me think, just talk. He thinks we talk fine... I don't know. The issue is that he doesn't think we have a problem outside of the affairs. I'm confused. I am now weighing my options.
Author tattoo Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 I don't buy your story. You try too hard to paint your H in a bad light and the best you can come up with is "he wouldn't go to MC after you cheated on him". Oh and you think he had a EA after your cheated on him with a MM. Sorry but you just sound needy and selfish. Tell your H so he can divorce you and then sit back and watch what happens with the MM when his W finds out. Actually, I'm NOT trying to paint him in a bad light. I have said he is a good man, a good father. I have just said my needs are being unmet. I may be selfish, as my behaviour has suggested, but I don't think I'm needy. I think humans require stimulation and emotional fulfillment from a relationship. I have not had much of it in my marriage. I have never painted myself as a saint.. I know my behaviour has been reckless and stupid and selfish... and there are better solutions to problems, so maybe I am cowardly then. For the record, I actually suggested MC BEFORE ever engaging in an EA that turned into a PA. I suggested it about a year into our relationship because I felt we had communication problems. He was uninterested, but as I couldn't quite pin point the problem, I didn't push it. Then we'd have some disagreement, and if it continued to brew and fester, I would bring it up again.
Author tattoo Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 You really can't work on your marriage until you end your EA. Your husband needs to go into MC with you. Maybe he's not doing that because he feels like you are holding back? And if you chose to go with your EA instead of your Marriage, you need to end the marriage first. How does your EA feel about commitment, is he willing to work on it as hard as you? If you are serious about this, then one or the other needs to end. You can't be a cakeeater. I know. I have tried. He doesn't want other people knowing our problems. I have tried to explain that the counsellor would be discrete and they can't disclose client problems to others, and that they have seen it all, but he really doesn't want to involve a 3rd party. I did start withdrawing with the EA/PA... after disclosure, I REALLY DID TRY. I threw myself into it with everything. He seemed to also, but it fizzled after a while. It became too much effort. In some ways I feel he is holding back.
Recommended Posts