Another Nubie, Another Statistic

[buckeye]

Well, after lurking for awhile, I've decided to finally post something. After 25 years of marriage, my wife told me I had to move out.(2 weeks before Christmas). Neither one has been happy for years.

 

I admit much of this was my fault. I didn't show her she mattered enough. After a fight I would withdraw and not talk for days. I suspected her having an emotional affair several years ago and the other guy ended up sitting on our porch when we returned from someplace. All 4 kids were with us. I asked the guy to leave. The end result, a fight and I said some awful things. Although I have apologized many times she never let me forget I didn't trust her.

 

Things really went down hill after I lost my good paying job and had to take a position at half the pay. We had to sell our country home and move to an old fixer upper which I did mostly on my own. Six months after finishing I got the word to move. Three months later she's getting gifts and visits from a"friend" (married) from college.

 

I read several of the save your marriage books and really tried. After a visit and doing some work around the house, she told me she was going to file for dissolution. I was devastated and withdrew and had no contact for about two months. Out of the blue she texts asking if a discussion might help. So for two weeks we e-mailed and even met once. I apologized for the pain I caused. I told what I would do different but it was always the same. This was all my fault. I quit trying after she filed. I finally e-mailed her to ask herself does she really want me. I waited for 2 weeks. That was her answer. Nothing. So I finally e-mailed let's just get this over.

 

I've cried for months. Wrote in a journal. I'm starting to get past the extreme sorrow, but now and again it comes back. I'm sure the day the final paperwork is signed it will be tough.

 

I did something for me and bought a motorcycle. She got mad that I didn't talk to her about it. I said hell why should I ask for your opinion you filed.

 

I don't know if I'll ever find the trust to be with someone again. But who knows. Well I'm done venting.. thanks for having a place to vent and learn

[habs53]

Well, after lurking for awhile, I've decided to finally post something. After 25 years of marriage, my wife told me I had to move out.(2 weeks before Christmas). Neither one has been happy for years.

 

I admit much of this was my fault. I didn't show her she mattered enough. After a fight I would withdraw and not talk for days. I suspected her having an emotional affair several years ago and the other guy ended up sitting on our porch when we returned from someplace. All 4 kids were with us. I asked the guy to leave. The end result, a fight and I said some awful things. Although I have apologized many times she never let me forget I didn't trust her.

 

Things really went down hill after I lost my good paying job and had to take a position at half the pay. We had to sell our country home and move to an old fixer upper which I did mostly on my own. Six months after finishing I got the word to move. Three months later she's getting gifts and visits from a"friend" (married) from college.

 

I read several of the save your marriage books and really tried. After a visit and doing some work around the house, she told me she was going to file for dissolution. I was devastated and withdrew and had no contact for about two months. Out of the blue she texts asking if a discussion might help. So for two weeks we e-mailed and even met once. I apologized for the pain I caused. I told what I would do different but it was always the same. This was all my fault. I quit trying after she filed. I finally e-mailed her to ask herself does she really want me. I waited for 2 weeks. That was her answer. Nothing. So I finally e-mailed let's just get this over.

 

I've cried for months. Wrote in a journal. I'm starting to get past the extreme sorrow, but now and again it comes back. I'm sure the day the final paperwork is signed it will be tough.

 

I did something for me and bought a motorcycle. She got mad that I didn't talk to her about it. I said hell why should I ask for your opinion you filed.

 

I don't know if I'll ever find the trust to be with someone again. But who knows. Well I'm done venting.. thanks for having a place to vent and learn

Hey pal, you have every right to vent. Its an awful thing to go through. Stop beating yourself up. She is everybit at fault as you. At least you did not give up. Sounds to me that maybe she is not done with you yet. Try to be good, take care of yourself. Give her space and time and see what happens.

[worlybear]

Hey. So sorry for your pain. I know how rubbish it feels. Well done for getting the motorcycle- do something for you for a change!

[spriggig]

Well, after lurking for awhile, I've decided to finally post something. After 25 years of marriage, my wife told me I had to move out.(2 weeks before Christmas). Neither one has been happy for years.

 

I admit much of this was my fault. I didn't show her she mattered enough. After a fight I would withdraw and not talk for days. I suspected her having an emotional affair several years ago and the other guy ended up sitting on our porch when we returned from someplace. All 4 kids were with us. I asked the guy to leave. The end result, a fight and I said some awful things. Although I have apologized many times she never let me forget I didn't trust her.

 

Trust her? You were right, weren't you, the guy sitting on the porch was the OM?

 

Things really went down hill after I lost my good paying job and had to take a position at half the pay. We had to sell our country home and move to an old fixer upper which I did mostly on my own. Six months after finishing I got the word to move. Three months later she's getting gifts and visits from a "friend" (married) from college.

 

You know when I loved my cheating, STBXW the most? When I was doing things like repairing the washer or installing the sprinkler system in the backyard or replacing the oil or break pads on her car. I wanted to do them well so she'd be proud of me and know that I loved her. The whole time she was apparently thinking "I wish he'd stop working on the washer and talk to me."

 

I read several of the save your marriage books and really tried. After a visit and doing some work around the house, she told me she was going to file for dissolution. I was devastated and withdrew and had no contact for about two months. Out of the blue she texts asking if a discussion might help. So for two weeks we e-mailed and even met once. I apologized for the pain I caused. I told what I would do different but it was always the same. This was all my fault. I quit trying after she filed. I finally e-mailed her to ask herself does she really want me. I waited for 2 weeks. That was her answer. Nothing. So I finally e-mailed let's just get this over.

 

You have to apologize for the half that you messed up. You also have to leave her half on the table.

 

I've cried for months. Wrote in a journal. I'm starting to get past the extreme sorrow, but now and again it comes back. I'm sure the day the final paperwork is signed it will be tough.

 

I'm filing in less than two weeks. About a week ago, after four months of LC and zero discussion of our relationship, I let her know that, incidentally, I still don't want this divorce at the end of an email about something else. Her response was the same as you got, silence.

 

I did something for me and bought a motorcycle. She got mad that I didn't talk to her about it. I said hell why should I ask for your opinion you filed.

 

They don't know why it matters, it just does. My wife has been in her own place for four months, she dropped off our son after a weekend, didn't come in the house or talk to me but started watering the plants in the front yard. The front yard is landscaped and on an automatic watering system, she knows that. WTF?

 

I don't know if I'll ever find the trust to be with someone again. But who knows. Well I'm done venting.. thanks for having a place to vent and learn

[buckeye]

Well I got the notice in the mail Friday. Thursday morning it will be official. I know I should think of this as being a new beginning, but it was a tough weekend. It would be so much easier if I still didn't love her, but the truth is I do. I just need to accept the fact that she doesn't want me. She has changed so much. She isn't the woman I fell in love with. I wish that I could just pack up and move to another state, but a job and a 16 year old at home prevent it. Thankfully I have a couple of good buddies that try to get me out of the apartment on the weekends and help me from dwelling on things. I know that our lives are a series of lessons. This one has been hard. I guess all any of us here can do is be thankful for the good times and what we have learned from this pain.

[buckeye]

I just read Hopeless in DTW'S post. Aside from the fact my kids are out of the house except for the youngest, almost a carbon copy of my situation.

 

I didn't mention the fact that she has been in touch with "an old friend" from college who is married. He started buying her expensive stuff. Gave each of the kids new IPads, rented a limo to take them out on the town. He was even trying to buy my mother in law with gifts. I sometimes want to contact his wife and give her a heads up, but maybe she knows. I don't know if there has been anything physical or not.

 

Well after Thursday it won't matter except I resent the hell out of him trying to buy my kids affection.

[HopelessinDTW]

I just read Hopeless in DTW'S post. Aside from the fact my kids are out of the house except for the youngest, almost a carbon copy of my situation.

 

I didn't mention the fact that she has been in touch with "an old friend" from college who is married. He started buying her expensive stuff. Gave each of the kids new IPads, rented a limo to take them out on the town. He was even trying to buy my mother in law with gifts. I sometimes want to contact his wife and give her a heads up, but maybe she knows. I don't know if there has been anything physical or not.

 

Well after Thursday it won't matter except I resent the hell out of him trying to buy my kids affection.

Buckeye: I'm sorry about your situation. Yes, our stories are very similar.. I'm 2 months into the separation, and on the path the divorce. My wife has been a b**ch throughout this whole ordeal, always lying, keeping the kids from me, etc etc. It's been so very tough for me as well to keep up thinking positively...When I have the kids I try to play and have a lot of fun with them, but my mind is always somewhere else. The OM in my relationship also did things with the kids, but even the law cannot stop that from happening. It's so very tough to let go and move on after such a long relationship, and what hurts the most is that our wives have no remorse or guilt in doing all this. All we can do at this point is to talk to friends, share our feelings in this forum, and try to think of the future rather than the past.

[solitary_man]

hey buckeye,

 

sorry to hear all this. I've been where you are, but fortunately for me there were no children involved.

 

When it happened to me, I bought a motorcycle, too. Let me tell you this: I've never regretted that decision for a heartbeat. The world makes more sense on the back of a bike. But one lesson I learned, in case you are looking for advice, is never ride angry or upset. it's almost as dangerous as riding after a few drinks.

[buckeye]

Thanks Solitary Man, I bought the bike from my cousin. He's been riding for almost 40 years, his "rule number one" no drinking and riding. I just found out the STBX took my youngest to the east coast to meet up with the OG. He let my daughter drive his fancy Porche Turbo Convertible. I'm so pissed that she would run around with a married man in front of my kids. I'm really debating calling his wife. I know I should not lower myself but I'd like to hurt that pr-ck.

[HopelessinDTW]

Buckeye: Not sure calling the wife is going to solve anything. Let's say you call her and she tells her husband to stop seeing your wife. Do you really think your wife will give up on the OM, and come back to you? Do you really think that their affair will stop by you calling the wife? The bottom line is your wife is in mid-life crisis, and she's taking a trip down lala-land where all is good, fun, no problems to think about...this is not reality. Eventually, she'll be in the same place again (i.e. not happy). You're kids should be your only focus...I don't believe that your kids can have their affection "bought". You need to set an example for them as the stable parent, and eventually they will see you as someone they can count on. Gifts, expensive cars, fancy trips...these things come and go...a parent that they can trust and lean on when life gets rough...that's priceless!! I know how you feel since I am in a similar situation...I fear the same things as you (i.e. the OM being the father figure to my kids). It makes me sick to my stomach!! But I try to be the best father I possibly can, and do my best with them. And that's all I can do at this time. I hope you find the strength to get through this...

[buckeye]

Thanks HIDTW, in my heart I know you are right. It just makes me sick to think that there are people who run around on their spouse. It makes me sick to know that there are people who think that because they have wealth their entitled to do want they want, that somehow they are privileged. I know kids will be kids, and they will accept cool gifts. But I think I would have told him to shove his gifts. The court hearing is in two days. Part of the agreement was she would notify me of any out of state trips. She has already broke the agreement before the dissolution is final. I used to want her back, but not now. She has become the type of person I despise.

[HopelessinDTW]

Thanks HIDTW, in my heart I know you are right. It just makes me sick to think that there are people who run around on their spouse. It makes me sick to know that there are people who think that because they have wealth their entitled to do want they want, that somehow they are privileged. I know kids will be kids, and they will accept cool gifts. But I think I would have told him to shove his gifts. The court hearing is in two days. Part of the agreement was she would notify me of any out of state trips. She has already broke the agreement before the dissolution is final. I used to want her back, but not now. She has become the type of person I despise.

 

My stbx has done the same thing...disobeyed orders that we agreed on. when you're in lala-land rules and morals don't apply any longer. I also hate seeing my stbx, but I have to when we are exchaging the kids from my place to her's. She thinks she's entitled to her behavior because all the "damage" I havedone to her heart....this is all a load of bull to make me feel guilty and so she doesn't have to for her actions. At the end, God will judge us all...and I know what goes around comes around. I just worry about my relationship with the kids, and hope that I can remain close to them through the divorce and after....

[HopelessinDTW]

And the lies just keep on coming...my stbx has told her lawyer that the OM is just a friend from HS, and that I put words in my kids mouth, and that her father has seen me going through her trash, and that I keep on calling and e-mailing her. ALL a bunch of BS...so I sent my lawyer proof of her affair, I have a letter from the daycare that my kids said the same things to them, and I also haven't talked to her or e-mailed her except about the kids...and that's rare. So my attorney is convinced that she's lying to keep her attorney off her back, and to...once again...blame me for all her faults. I guess when you lie as much a she does, the lie after a while becomes a reality...and you just can't excape it. She has dug herself into a pit of dishonesty, and since there is no way out, she just goes deeper and deeper...pretty pathetic. I hope in time my kids will see this in their mother once they grow up and realize how messed up she is. now they are too young to notice....

[buckeye]

Don't worry pal, the truth always comes out in the end. In my case, I know with the exception of the oldest, (solidly in her mom's camp) the kids know what's going on. Someday her party will be over and maybe just maybe she'll realize what she's done. I'm not saying I was without fault, but at least I did try to work it out. The day she filed though, I decided if she couldn't give us 6 weeks to try to reconcile then fine. I don't want someone who doesn't want me.

[solitary_man]

And the lies just keep on coming...my stbx has told her lawyer that the OM is just a friend from HS, and that I put words in my kids mouth, and that her father has seen me going through her trash, and that I keep on calling and e-mailing her. ALL a bunch of BS...so I sent my lawyer proof of her affair, I have a letter from the daycare that my kids said the same things to them, and I also haven't talked to her or e-mailed her except about the kids...and that's rare. So my attorney is convinced that she's lying to keep her attorney off her back, and to...once again...blame me for all her faults. I guess when you lie as much a she does, the lie after a while becomes a reality...and you just can't excape it. She has dug herself into a pit of dishonesty, and since there is no way out, she just goes deeper and deeper...pretty pathetic. I hope in time my kids will see this in their mother once they grow up and realize how messed up she is. now they are too young to notice....

 

 

The burden of proof is on her. She can make all the claims she wants to make, but without either evidence or a confession, she'll only end up hanging herself with the noose she's tying. Keep your cool. Don't do anything without talking to your lawyer first. that's my advice...

 

try to deal with your anger in the healthiest way possible. You probably know this, but turning your kids against her certainly won't solve anything and will probably, in the end, just lead to them respecting you less. I'm not saying that's what you intend, but often it's a subconscious thing. Rolled eyes. a sigh. offhand comments and grumbling. Kids pick up on that. Smart kids see through it.

[HopelessinDTW]

The burden of proof is on her. She can make all the claims she wants to make, but without either evidence or a confession, she'll only end up hanging herself with the noose she's tying. Keep your cool. Don't do anything without talking to your lawyer first. that's my advice...

 

try to deal with your anger in the healthiest way possible. You probably know this, but turning your kids against her certainly won't solve anything and will probably, in the end, just lead to them respecting you less. I'm not saying that's what you intend, but often it's a subconscious thing. Rolled eyes. a sigh. offhand comments and grumbling. Kids pick up on that. Smart kids see through it.

 

No I try to be very positive with the kids. But I do tell them the truth. Like for example, my kid always asks me to stay with him when i drop him off at the house where my stbx is. I tell him I cannot stay because mommy does not want me to be here. I don't want him to think that I am making the choice to leave him. When it comes to talking with him, I always ask him how his day is, and how are things at daycare, what he did that day, etc. I've never interrogated him about his mother, or spoken poorly of her. I know that he will realize what I am doing is wrong...and will verbalize this...I know this because my wife has badmouthed me infront of him, and he has told me this! And yes, he's only 5 years old!