choosinghappiness Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Okay I am starting a new thread since I discovered a startling fact last night. I had a good talk with my H. I don't think he thought I was serious when we talked 3 weeks ago and I told him my feelings (that I didn't feel romantic about him anymore). I brought this up again and we talked about my IC session. There was some good disscussion, but then he admitted to me that he really doesn't think he wants kids. I have made it clear from the beginning that kids were a deal breaker for me. I want kids, period. I think that he genuinely tried to want kids, but just doesn't. Sure some of that is probably just the normal fears and insecuirities that one has about becoming a parent, but he was pretty clear. So now I am thinking, no wonder we never have sex - you can't have kids if you don't have sex. And now I am afraid to try to move forward with him. Even if he changes his mind and we were to maybe have a child, it's always going to be in the back of my mind that he really didn't want to. Now I don't what to do??? Thanks for reading.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 If you somehow change his mind and he agrees to have kids, chances are he's not going to be a helpful father. And parenting a baby/toddler/child has to be the hardest thing my wife and I have ever done. It's not something you want to do alone. Find out why he doesn't want children. Is it because he doesn't want to give up his lifestyle? Or is it because he's not sure he wants to remain married to you? He's most likely doing you a favor. Bringing kids into this marriage would probably be a mistake unless the relationship completely healed first.
califnan Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Hi CH, I'm with you, I definitely considered it a part of married life to have children.. And though we wanted to get established in our home first - I definitely became antsy about getting pregnant after a few years.. God created woman for man and in marriage.. And He told the man and woman to reproduce. That is one of the reasons we are here. I am so sorry that your husband feels this way about having children. I do think it is important in a marriage to have children..
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Simply if you are around 30 or older, get a divorce..... It is a true deal breaker and will be better in the long run. He will man up and start a family or continue a Peter Pan existence going forward..... Yes being judgemental and honest.... Not everyone is meant to be a parent so start planning your future.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Hi everyone - thanks for your responses - I have to say that this was truly news to me - he said he would "be okay" with one, which should have been my first clue. I really wanted to feel like I gave it a good chance, but this is totaly not okay. We are in different palces - but it still hurts. anyway... VV - I just have to say - I have read some of your posts on others threads and hoped you would never feel the need to post on mine - becuase you seem so bitter - but... thank you - I can see now that you are just an honest person, with probably more experience than most of us can appreciate. It's probably good to get that kick in pants, even if it hurts. Hopefully the healing will come soon. Thanks for reading.
giotto Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 so, you don't feel romantic about him any more (read: you don't love him any more), you want kids and he doesn't, so now all of a sudden it's ok to be with him because he agrees to one child? You are with him for the wrong reasons... you are using him as a sperm bank... sorry to be blunt! Why don't you do him a favour and divorce (if you are married)? You are forcing him to be unhappy and your child will grow up in a home with issues right from the beginning...
Corporate Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hi everyone - thanks for your responses - I have to say that this was truly news to me - he said he would "be okay" with one, which should have been my first clue. How old are you guys, 24?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 He might not want children because you two aren't in love. He's not having sex with you because you two aren't in love. My boyfriend normally hates children, but he says he wants to have them with me someday because he loves me, but that there is no way in hell that he'd want children otherwise. It bonds too people together forever, even if those two people hate each other. I agree that you should probably leave the marriage. You don't want to hurt whatever kid you have by bringing it into a loveless marriage. That won't fix your marriage and won't make it happy. If you're determined to have a baby regardless, you can always go to a real sperm bank instead.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 VV - I suppose my initial assessment was correct - you really are bitter - and I feel sorry for you, for that. While I appreciate the experience you bring to this site, and your honesty - is it really necessary to be such an a$$ about it? Sometimes good people find themselves in bad situations, that they may have created for themselves (unintentionally) and find it extremely hard and hurtful to do the right thing. I know deep down that D is the only way I can move forward, but hearing from others and being encouraged to find the strength to be able to do what I need to do, that is what I needed. A little bit of harshness is okay (i.e. your 1st post back to me), but again there is no need for you to be an a$$ (i.e. second post). Anyway - to answer other questions, I am 30 and he is 43. Update: he went to IC yesterday and I think he is getting to a point where we can actually have an intelligent conversation about this. It's not so easy to just leave when he is still hanging on. I know this has to end, but it also has to end for both of us, I am working hard to get him to the point where he can let go, but that is not so easy. Thank you all for the support and as always, thanks for reading!
rina_r Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 You have every right to raise a family. He has every right not to. I was in this situation myself. She wanted kids, I did not. I looked at it logically, she biologically. We did NOT have kids........and she later cheated. Probably because she felt slighted, that I stole her chance at becoming a mother. But again.....I have EVERY right to NOT be a father......as much as she has EVERY right to be a mother if she wants. I communicated this to her many years ago, many times. If she NEEDED the kids...then she need to leave the relationship. Do yourselves both a HUGE favor. Leave this man ASAP. He does NOT want kids....RESPECT HIS NEEDS! You WANT kids.....so go for it with someone who loves you and WANTS kids. Great answer! I am a woman and I do not want kids. We all have a right to pursue what we want. So if kids are THAT important to you, go find a different partner.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 VV - I suppose my initial assessment was correct - you really are bitter - and I feel sorry for you, for that. Choosinghappiness, Don't let VV get you upset. As a detached reader, it appeared to me that VV was just showing off a little in the 2nd post. He likely fancies himself as a blunt, shoot from the hip person, and any critism aimed at him for being rude or blunt is going to play into that. You're likely to get all kinds of differing advice on LS. Take it for what it's worth and pick out the nuggets for thought that you can, but don't make the mistake of assuming we're all experts. Many of us on here because we too have a relationship we're working to improve. IMO, I do think you came on LS looking for approval to get a D. In your other thread, I gave you some advice on pursuing reconciliation because it seemd like you had a good husband and marriages shouldn't be quickly discarded. But you didn't want to do the work because you don't want to be around your husband and you're not in love with him anymore. Then you came back with this thread about differing preferences for having children, and you got support for the D idea. And then you seemd to think everyone supporting a D was speaking the truth. I'm not judging you and I don't know enough about your situation to know if a D is needed or not, but evaluate yourself and whether you've presented us with a fair and balanced picture of your relationship with your husband, or if you've tried to make it sound bleak in order to gain support for the D that you seem to want.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Okay - so to clarify - I have been presenting things as the knowledge has become avialable to me. In my first post I was trying to make the decision about whether I should work on my marriage or if it was too late. At that point I was unaware of my H deep down feelings about children. We did have the talk before we got married, he has always known that having kids was a deal breaker for me, I specifically told him that if he really did not want them then we should call it quits becuase I absolutely want kids. This is when he told me I could have 1 (hindsight ). As stated in my OP on this thread I think that he really tried to want to have kids because he knew how much it meant to me - but, now knowing that he really doesn't want them, that changes things. When I put up the OP I didn't know what the answer was - in fact I have seen such good stories and advice that I didn't know what I was going to get. I was thinking that D was an option, but there could have been stories out there of people finding ways to deal with this problem - I didn't find stories of how to deal with this - I got advice that my thought of D should probably be truly considered. My H and I continue to talk and I know deep down that I can't stay with a man who really does not want kids. I still struggle with how to go about ending it though. Some of the harsher/duh like comments have helped me accept what I need to do - I take full responisibilty for my relationship - and I don't appologize for asking for support - even if it is from anonymous people on the internet.
BellaBellaBella Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Both partners need to want children to have raise them sucessfully. Children aren't convenient, they are messy, they are noisy, they are unconditional love and absolute delight. Having a first child at 43, would be difficult unless your flexible. My DH hates chaos and there is always chaos around his coming home. He was 37. He was stressed with the changes as he likes a schedule. I don't know what to tell you about ending your marriage, that is something only you can decide.
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