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Posted

Well I spoke to my wife and told her I needed some closure. Telling me to 'get out of her house' and that 'I will never forgive you' wasn't enough of an explanation to end our marriage. Sooo she said that she 'hated my guts' and 'that I didn't really love her, I only love the idea of her' and last but not least 'move on and try to be happy'. Oh, one more thing, 'I'll probably still feel this way ten years from now'.

 

This women is getting more and more angry as time goes by. (I have NOT added any fuel to the fire I've remained lc) She is allowing things to fester and fester. It's an infection gone out of control. lol I suggested she try counseling to try and be happy again and she said she only wants to be able to trust people again. That would be the only reason for a counselor. And she wasn't going to use mine. I think she thinks that mine would try and talk her into reconciliation.

 

She is so afraid of not being angry with me. She also let me know that she did love me very much before everything blew up, but that she was growing unhappy. (I remember her telling me that)

 

I will be moving on, that's not my question. My question is this; Have any of you encountered, or been the one to feel this way? There is no affair on either part. And if you say "how can you be sure?" then pretend there is and give me an honest answer anyway. We have a child together (10 months old) and I've posted my complete story on LS for anyone interested in reading the whole thing.

Posted

I went looking around your other posts to get an idea of what was going with you.

 

I've been in your wife's shoes - discovered my first wife's drug problems, her secret running up of debt and taking money, lying about money, people, what she was doing.

 

It seems you were abusing prescriptions, ran up debt and took money from her.

 

Well, her anger is completely understandable. You betrayed her, betrayed her trust and with a young infant, at a time when she needed to depend on you and trust you the most.

 

Drug abuse and the stuff that goes with it, is very much like being cheated on. It is a deep betrayal of trust. You crossed her boundaries, big time.

 

Are you now clean and sober? Are you working a 12-step program with every inch of your heart and soul?

Posted

Gobbleguts,

 

I've followed your story. How about a reality check. You have destroyed this woman's world as she knew it. You are what, 10, 11 weeks out? And you are just rocking along all ready, no big deal. What a slap in the face to a woman who spent so much of her life with you and had a child with you.

 

Does your wife really hate your guts? IDK, but if she does, I certainly can't blame her. I could righteously hate my H as well, but I'm just starting to get to a place where I am just beginning to understand forgiveness and letting go. Your wife apparently isn't there yet.

 

My H has been out of our house for a week. He is going to therapy, and we have had a little discussion. He is trying. But, as illustrated by your attitude, my best choice is to continue moving on and making a life without him. Because, like you, he has exhibited very little in the way of understanding accountability, remorse, etc., and it is my feeling after a few weeks of trying to do the work needed, he will, as you have, decide it is not worth the effort (see your wife's statement, "that I didn't really love her, I only love the idea of her.")

 

It comes across to me your only reason for doing the things you have done was for a payoff, ie, your wife comes crawling back to you and pretends like none of this ever happened, and your life goes on as before. Well, you've given it a few weeks, no reason to waste any more time on it, she should be over it by now. Hah.

 

Dude, even if you two do not reconcile, you have a child together, and therefore, will probably have to have some interaction with each other for many, many years to come. If nothing else, since you are the one who made this big stinky pile of mess, you could at least get a clue and recognize it would be in everyone's best interest for you to do whatever you can to make amends to make the co-parenting the best it could be instead of choosing to throw in the towel and lay all this off on your wife because she won't play your stupid game the way you want it played. Grow up.

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Posted

I am clean and sober, I got sober before we split up and before she found out about any missing funds. I go to NA meetings and yes it is very much with my heart and soul. (I'm also in therapy ) I remember telling my wife that I had a problem, and she said she swore she would never marry an addict. Just today we talked about that conversation and she swears I never mentioned a problem with xanax, and if I had she would have tried to get me the help I needed.

 

I guess it's a day late and a dollar short....

Posted (edited)
I am clean and sober, I got sober before we split up and before she found out about any missing funds. I go to NA meetings and yes it is very much with my heart and soul. (I'm also in therapy ) I remember telling my wife that I had a problem, and she said she swore she would never marry an addict. Just today we talked about that conversation and she swears I never mentioned a problem with xanax, and if I had she would have tried to get me the help I needed.

 

I guess it's a day late and a dollar short....

You are not giving her space. Dont say anything to her. Everything you say and do now are making things worst. She knows you are trying to improve. Do the 180 and work on yourself. For love of god, do it.

 

Maybe she doesnt want closure, maybe she wants time to think.

Edited by habs53
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Posted

Ya know, everyone on this forum goes through a wide range of emotion, daily. We are also sometimes on the otherside of the marriage problem. (hurter or the hurtee) I may come off sometimes like I don't care, or that I only want the "payoff at the end". That's far from the truth. I love my wife, I told her that I want her to be happy again. That's when she said that I only love the idea of her. I told her that the last two and a half months have been a time of reflection for me, a time to figure what went wrong and where. I told her that initially I missed the idea of her, but then through therapy and time alone I figured out that it wasn't just the idea of her, but her that I loved.

 

I know and feel the gravity of my situation. I realize that I crushed her and it's killing me. The guilt is almost unbearable, my daughter, my wife and my life has been changed forever because of the decisions I made or didn't make. I had just gotten off the phone with her when I posted and it came out the way it did. Re-reading it I see your point, I do come off as an uncaring a**. I don't know how to react to what she said I guess.

 

eeyore1981, when my wife says those things to me, what should I do? When she tells me to give up and move on, do I do the opposite?

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Posted

Ugh, I feel horrible now. Eeyore1981 is right. What I did to my wife and expecting/hoping she would overlook it and forgive me so we could move on is selfish.

Posted
Ugh, I feel horrible now. Eeyore1981 is right. What I did to my wife and expecting/hoping she would overlook it and forgive me so we could move on is selfish.

Yes my friend you feel bad. Every situation is a bit differnent. There is not a hope your wife is going to get over this quickly. She may not at all. Do not believe everything she is telling you right now. She may mean it right now but in time she may forgive you. You have layed the cards on the table. Give her some time. Do not prejudge what she is going to do.

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Posted

Thanks habs, It is such a roller coaster ride. My goodness. I know it takes time, it's harder given the fact that I'm sober now and feeling like the person that married her again. We shall see.

Posted
Thanks habs, It is such a roller coaster ride. My goodness. I know it takes time, it's harder given the fact that I'm sober now and feeling like the person that married her again. We shall see.

Its incredably hard, i know. Everyday will get better. The honest truth is, there is no proper advise for this. Giving her time and space and the only thing you can do. Try to be happy for the decision she makes as hard as it may be. Maybe she will come through for the both of you. Hard to say.

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Posted

It's hard to be betrayed, I've been there. IMO it's even harder having been the one that did the betraying.

Posted

Gobbleguts you cannot make the relationship better at this point. You can only make yourself better which it seems like you are doing. The ONLY thing that will get through to her is actions, not words.

 

Keep working on "you" and give her time and space. She'll either come around or she won't. You cannot control that anymore.

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Posted

I know, it just sucks. Thanks WN. I guess one good thing is that I've identified this ride as a sine wave, with an amplitude of 3 and a period of 6.28. What goes down must come up!!!

Posted

I think at this point you need to allow her to have her anger and be able to say what she needs to say and it sounds like she did. If she wants to elaborate, let her say everything she needs to get it out. Don't agree or disagree, just listen.

 

Have you ever apologized? For me an acknowledgment of what was wrong and an apology would work wonders (though I'll never get one). "I know I [insert discretion] and I know that I hurt you, for this I'm truly sorry and I'll do everything I can to make it right." Then you back that up by doing what you promise.

 

As WN said, keep working on you and she will notice. Show her by actions that you are changing and getting help. As she sees you in a different way, the anger might die down and she might be more receptive.

Posted
Ya know, everyone on this forum goes through a wide range of emotion, daily. We are also sometimes on the otherside of the marriage problem. (hurter or the hurtee) I may come off sometimes like I don't care, or that I only want the "payoff at the end". That's far from the truth. I love my wife, I told her that I want her to be happy again. That's when she said that I only love the idea of her. I told her that the last two and a half months have been a time of reflection for me, a time to figure what went wrong and where. I told her that initially I missed the idea of her, but then through therapy and time alone I figured out that it wasn't just the idea of her, but her that I loved.

 

I know and feel the gravity of my situation. I realize that I crushed her and it's killing me. The guilt is almost unbearable, my daughter, my wife and my life has been changed forever because of the decisions I made or didn't make. I had just gotten off the phone with her when I posted and it came out the way it did. Re-reading it I see your point, I do come off as an uncaring a**. I don't know how to react to what she said I guess.

 

eeyore1981, when my wife says those things to me, what should I do? When she tells me to give up and move on, do I do the opposite?

 

Quit turning the blame around for what you did onto her. Quit defending what you did, it was wrong, so own it. Let her vent, and apologize. Say, "I'm sorry", not "I'm sorry you feel that way", and MEAN IT. Then, make sure your actions mirror your words.

 

Give her space to waffle back and forth without being accountable to you for it. Do not pressure her into feeling the need to say either it's over or there is a chance to work it out. She may not know what she wants right now.

 

I agreed to meet with my H tonight to talk. I had no intention of it going this way. My plans were to mostly talk about superficial things, and I just had a couple of things personal I wanted to touch on with him. I opened up just a little, and he was so different, and I couldn't stop myself. He kept saying he was sorry, he opened up emotionally, he didn't minimize my feelings, he didn't just say he was sorry, but gave details of what he was sorry about, and it was more than that.

 

I've had some bad moments in the last week, but for the most part I've been fine, and my thought processes have been, "no way in hell am I ever going back to him." I've been grieving the death of my marriage. Right now, God help me, I miss him, and I'm actually having some thoughts of maybe, just maybe, we might be able to work this out. And I am absolutely terrified of opening myself up to that possibility, just to be hurt again.

 

So, there you have it. Take advice from a raving lunatic nutcase at your own peril. This is not meant to be some game plan to get your wife back, however, it might help her to feel better, and if you really love her, that should be all you are looking for anyway.

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Posted

Yes, I've apologized. And I sincerely meant it. I do love her and want her to be happy, no matter what.

 

It's very hard to supress the feeling of wanting to be near her and my little girl, but at the same time, logically, I know what needs to be done. Over the last few years I've been going to school to become an Engineer. Logic is very important in this field, and I understand that. It's just a whole different ball game when you mix in emotion. Thanks for your comments.

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