No sex?!

[tigressA]

I just thought, since he's the one who's proposed this--nay, basically mandated this--then it must be already clear that I am more than just a booty call to him. To me, he doesn't have to go through with it to prove it now. More and more I feel like there is another reason behind this. What, I really can't say for certain.

 

Edit: I re-enabled my online profile to see if he's been active and he was on last night while he was talking to me! I don't know what he could've been doing, but...I don't know. I don't feel very good about this now.

Edited July 18, 2010 by tigressA

[Curt]

I just thought, since he's the one who's proposed this--nay, basically mandated this--then it must be already clear that I am more than just a booty call to him. To me, he doesn't have to go through with it to prove it now. More and more I feel like there is another reason behind this. What, I really can't say for certain.

 

Edit: I re-enabled my online profile to see if he's been active and he was on last night while he was talking to me! I don't know what he could've been doing, but...I don't know. I don't feel very good about this now.

 

Interesting.

[tigressA]

Interesting.

 

That doesn't make me feel much better. :laugh:

 

I am really, really not sure what to think now. I mean, we never talked about exclusivity so we're both free to see other people. But this could mean that he still wants to see other people, that I'm not enough for him, while it's not that way for me. Now I'm thinking it's unlikely that he'll want to be exclusive. Or that if he agrees to it it might just be because I'll be cutting him out completely otherwise. Maybe I should just break it off...

Edited July 18, 2010 by tigressA

[SadandConfusedWA]

I was trying not to comment, but I got a really bad feeling when I read your OP. It just doesn't make sense for a guy to like you "too much" to have sex with you, especially given that you have had sex already.

 

His reason just doesn't ring true. It sounds like a line when a guy wants out but is trying to come across as nice, so he is going about it in a round about way.

 

I don't know if he is seeing someone else. But one of the problems when you get physical too early is that relationship tends to burn out quickly. Emotional and physical connection should be developing at roughly the equal pace. Sure, having sex early on works for some - but it just doesn't turn into a LTR in most cases.

[Ariadne]

is trying to come across as nice, so he is going about it in a round about way.

 

:love:

[Serenitynow]

I think you should just keep contemplating whats going on by posting here and never talk to him to figure out the truth.

[tigressA]

I am going to talk to him. I'm just waiting for him to contact me. I don't know when that will be. I'm not going to call him because he said he was going to be working all weekend. He said he'd call about making plans for this week.

[stillafool]

That doesn't make me feel much better. :laugh:

 

I am really, really not sure what to think now. I mean, we never talked about exclusivity so we're both free to see other people. But this could mean that he still wants to see other people, that I'm not enough for him, while it's not that way for me. Now I'm thinking it's unlikely that he'll want to be exclusive. Or that if he agrees to it it might just be because I'll be cutting him out completely otherwise. Maybe I should just break it off...

 

If you really do feel this way then definitely step back a bit. Don't break it off officially just move on (disappear) and see what happens. Don't play his "no sex" game unless you feel the same way.

[alphamale]

I am going to talk to him. I'm just waiting for him to contact me. I don't know when that will be.

maybe he'll never call....then you're screwed

[stillafool]

I am going to talk to him. I'm just waiting for him to contact me. I don't know when that will be. I'm not going to call him because he said he was going to be working all weekend. He said he'd call about making plans for this week.

 

T are you sure he isn't seeing others?

[threebyfate]

I am going to talk to him. I'm just waiting for him to contact me. I don't know when that will be. I'm not going to call him because he said he was going to be working all weekend. He said he'd call about making plans for this week.

Yes, wait this one out but make sure you have the exclusivity discussion before agreeing to go out with him.

 

Never fear loss.

[tigressA]

T are you sure he isn't seeing others?

 

I don't know. All I can go by is what he tells me. There's no evidence that he is; there's no evidence that he isn't.

 

He has a job in IT; he's a software engineer. I've known other people with jobs in that arena and it is a rather demanding one.

 

I'm not posting here anymore until I have something to update with. All that can be said now is merely speculation.

[Serenitynow]

O.K.

 

Let me explain it to you one more time:

 

He is not having sex with you because he IS having sex with someone else.

 

 

LOL you should bottle and sell your mind reading formula, you'll make millions.

 

.

[carhill]

Reading minds doesn't make him wrong

 

Conventional wisdom and lifelong experience indicates to me that a man does not take a sexual relationship backwards. He *may* accept it going backwards if he's really into the woman, witnessed by the number of husbands on LS with low to no sex marriages, but he won't proactively say 'sorry hon, this is too important, I gotta stop now'. Men with any libido at all just don't think like that; hell, even I don't think like that. Any man with half a brain knows if he stops sexing his woman (presuming she has normal libido) her oxytocin levels will drop and her attachment level will wane and that other cute guy who's been giving her the eye at work will start looking more interesting and quite tasty. If she's not married to him and whelping his kids, it's almost a foregone conclusion that she'll move on. Wait, why was this thread started?

[CLC2008]

I agree with Carhill, except take out the part about you moving on to someone else that is more "tasty". It shouldn't be about that. It's about whether or not he is on the same page as you, as far as dating other people are concerned.

 

Given what he's said to you, shouldn't be, in your view - about whether or not the two of you are actually having sex. It's the fact that this was said to you and something that was discussed after you've already been intimate.

 

Something is sounding off inside of you, otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning it. I am sure you'd have no shortage of potential suitors, but if you really like this guy, and you don't want to date other people - you're going to want to bring it up at some point, and there is nothing wrong with being direct at this stage, given the circumstances.

[homersheineken]

O.K.

 

Let me explain it to you one more time:

 

He is not having sex with you because he IS having sex with someone else.

 

However, the "someone else" must have made him promise that she was the only one he was having sex with.

 

NO WAY does a guy just stop having sex with a girl if he doesn't have an alternative outlet.

 

 

GUYS don't "test" women in the way you describe. WOMEN test GUYS this way.

 

The answers you're getting are all wrong because yes, a woman MIGHT initially have sex with a guy and then STOP because WOMEN USE SEX AS A MANIPULATION TOOL IN RELATIONSHIPS. Guys don't. They want the sex FOR ITS OWN SAKE.

 

Sure guys do. I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but yeah guys do it to. That said, I think the way this situation is being described, he's seeing someone else - esp since he's back on his online dating profile.

[Pink Cupcakes]

This is his way of breaking up in a "nice" way. He has an out now. I'm sorry. He is doing the "fade" in a different sort of way.

[tigressA]

Well, he IMed me a couple of hours ago (he's at work). We've been talking since then, nothing serious of course--I'm not having the exclusivity discussion over IM . He said he saw my blog posts on Facebook about the progress I'm making on my room makeover. I told him about it in a bit more detail (scouring eBay, Craigslist and antique stores, etc) and he made an offer to help, saying he knew of an antique store nearby that he could take me to.

 

When we talk on the phone (which I'm sure will be later tonight) I'll just ask him if he's seeing/intends to see other people, and say that I won't continue seeing him if we're not exclusive. Easy enough.

[Curt]

Well, he IMed me a couple of hours ago (he's at work). We've been talking since then, nothing serious of course--I'm not having the exclusivity discussion over IM . He said he saw my blog posts on Facebook about the progress I'm making on my room makeover. I told him about it in a bit more detail (scouring eBay, Craigslist and antique stores, etc) and he made an offer to help, saying he knew of an antique store nearby that he could take me to.

 

When we talk on the phone (which I'm sure will be later tonight) I'll just ask him if he's seeing/intends to see other people, and say that I won't continue seeing him if we're not exclusive. Easy enough.

 

Excellent.

[tigressA]

Something's going off in me just because of the timing. We've discussed this before--during our second outing together, I guess because he's just not used to sleeping with someone the first time he meets them. From what we said to each other about it it became clear we have different relationship styles. He's used to spending time developing an emotional/mental connection before engaging in sex, while I am just more of a throw caution to the wind kind of girl. I go with what feels natural in the moment; I don't think long-term, and it seems like he does.

 

All the relationships I've had except one wherein sex came early fizzled out early (like within 3 months, some in a month or less). The one time it didn't fizzle out that early, it lasted a little over 6 months. The one relationship I've had that lasted more than a year, I waited 4 months before sleeping with him (he was a virgin). So perhaps there is something to holding off, at least in my case. I do tend to be blinded by an intense physical connection. Even this guy picked up on that, saying on our second date that he wondered if I used sex as a way to establish/try to maintain a connection while ignoring the other ways (and looking at my dating history, I have done that more than a few times).

 

A lot of posters here as well as I am thinking that this is "going backward". Maybe for him it isn't going backward so much as just reverting to his way of doing things. I'll find out later tonight, at any rate.

Edited July 19, 2010 by tigressA

[Sanman]

I haven't really commented on this thread at all, but feel the need to after your last post. While all the negative ideas are a possibility, I can't say that the no sex idea is always a bad thing. My last gf and I were in a similar situation and of similar ages. While it wasn't just a sex issue with us, the question of whether we were just a fling or something more serious did come to mind. I did try a similar "test" with her and in my case it made us both conclude that while we really liked each other, she wasn't ready for a real relationship at this time and that is what I was looking for. I think for him, this is his way of figuring out what he means to you. As for talking to other women or being online, it is an easy way for those of us who get attached more quickly to stay a ittle moredetached in unhaelthy situations. Of course, I don;t know this guy, but that is where my head would be at in this situation. Being a forward thinker and being with someone who is only "in the moment" can be a scary thing if feelings are developing.

[threebyfate]

When we talk on the phone (which I'm sure will be later tonight) I'll just ask him if he's seeing/intends to see other people, and say that I won't continue seeing him if we're not exclusive. Easy enough.

For whatever reason, don't be afraid to discuss the exclusivity/relationship label. His response will tell you all you need to know.

 

I'm not convinced this guy is jacking you around. But make sure that things are very clear with him. And if he accepts the exclusivity/relationship label without hesitation, then you know he might be doing the "take control" scenario.

 

If he's reluctant or refuses, you've got your answer so it's time to move on.

[tigressA]

For whatever reason, don't be afraid to discuss the exclusivity/relationship label. His response will tell you all you need to know.

 

I'm not convinced this guy is jacking you around. But make sure that things are very clear with him. And if he accepts the exclusivity/relationship label without hesitation, then you know he might be doing the "take control" scenario.

 

If he's reluctant or refuses, you've got your answer so it's time to move on.

 

Right. I'm not even going to discuss exactly why he's doing the 'no sex' thing. I'm going right into the exclusivity question. If he says no to that, then that's all I need to know.

 

My gut says he isn't jacking me around, but there still is the chance that he just doesn't want to be exclusive--that's what's bugging me. And it's not like if he has been seeing others that he's betrayed me, since there's been no agreement on exclusivity as yet. I've been free to see others this whole time too, but I haven't since no one else interests me.

[Serenitynow]

His response will tell you all you need to know.

 

You really think just because you ask him, that he's gonna be truthful ?

 

And how does anyone think they can read anything from a response ?

 

If people were so good at it, there would a lot less cheating.

[tigressA]

Uh, if I'm not mistaken, isn't that where trust comes in...?

 

And I'm not just going to ask him. I'm also going to tell him that I refuse to continue seeing him if we're not going to be exclusive from here on out. That should make things crystal clear.