No sex?!

[tigressA]

We have central air, Alpha. I'll be fine

[Curt]

But this guy, he just knows. He reads me like a book. And instead of just letting him and enjoying it I call it "scary" and rebel against it every chance I get. It's a wonder he hasn't broken things off yet, to tell truth.

 

If this is the case, I hope you understand just how rare that is. Having that kind of unspoken internal understanding between you both is very special.

 

It's ok to be vulnerable and let go of the reins when you know that the person who you've let have them would never take you to anywhere that would be anything but memorable and good for you both. For a man, knowing that a woman has that kind of faith and respect in his judgment ... well, it's what every man wants...

 

I like three by faith's ideas and at some point, I would really encourage you to let him take the wheel for a while. A man himself often needs this, not out of a desire to control a woman, but a strong call to lead by example.

 

Unless he does have some disease, I think you need to recognize his willingness to "step up to the plate." I honestly believe that fewer and fewer men ever get to this point, as society seems to want to stamp out many of the qualities that make a real man what he ought to be.

 

For some odd reason, certain elements seem to have made society frown upon men being strong, self-assured, etc. I think the vast majority of women have been disappointed by these societal pressures.

 

Curt

Edited July 17, 2010 by Curt

[Serenitynow]

It took me the entire time up to now to admit that!

 

Why is it so hard for women to admit stuff ?

 

Whether to themselves, or on here ?

 

So much stuff is a secret with them

[tigressA]

If this is the case, I hope you understand just how rare that is. Having that kind of unspoken internal understanding between you both is very special.

 

It's ok to be vulnerable and let go of the reins when you know that the person who you've let have them would never take you to anywhere that would be anything but memorable and good for you both. For a man, knowing that a woman has that kind of faith and respect in his judgment ... well, it's what every man wants...

 

Yeah, I think that's what's going on here. He wants me to trust him. Looking back, there are other, slightly more vague, incidents that point to that as well. For example, before he ever comes up with a plan for us to see each other, I'm asking him about it. I've seen him get mildly frustrated with this; he knows I'm wondering if he'll forget about me if I don't "remind" him because he's a busy guy. I'd never tell him that's what's in my mind, but he knows.

 

By letting him take the reins I'd inadvertently be playing this a bit cooler than I have been, which could be a good thing.

[marsle85]

Hmm ... what makes you feel this way marsle?

 

Curt

 

 

I think it has to do with the transition into sex. She admits that they've had sex on every single date, and feels a little like a booty-call... even if she knows it's not that way. I think he feels like he owes her a little courting/romance/DATING-- which would serve to slow the physical down to match the steady pace of the relationship as a whole.

[CLC2008]

Teasing is one thing. Withholding sex, which is what this individual is doing on PURPOSE in order to gain leverage over you, is the complete opposite.

 

At this point - you do not know if that intent is good hearted in nature or something entirely different.

 

The "it's not open for discussion" statement, that would be very alarming to me given what you've outlined...

 

I think this may cause a divide versus a closer relationship, time will tell.

 

How did you meet him and what is his past relationship history like?

[tigressA]

Teasing is one thing. Withholding sex, which is what this individual is doing on PURPOSE in order to gain leverage over you, is the complete opposite.

 

At this point - you do not know if that intent is good hearted in nature or something entirely different.

 

The "it's not open for discussion" statement, that would be very alarming to me given what you've outlined...

 

I think this may cause a divide versus a closer relationship, time will tell.

 

How did you meet him and what is his past relationship history like?

 

The "not open for discussion" thing really isn't that alarming; I further outlined the circumstances surrounding that in an earlier post.

 

Anyway, I met him online; I'd sent him a message and we talked over IM and on the phone that same day and he made plans to meet the day after. We've hardly discussed past relationships. He was in one that lasted 5 years. I don't know anything about it beyond that, and I don't really care to. All I've told him about my history is that I've had a string of short-lived relationships, one that lasted close to 2 years, and that I've just been dating around since that one ended.

[CLC2008]

The "not open for discussion" thing really isn't that alarming; I further outlined the circumstances surrounding that in an earlier post.

 

Anyway, I met him online; I'd sent him a message and we talked over IM and on the phone that same day and he made plans to meet the day after. We've hardly discussed past relationships. He was in one that lasted 5 years. I don't know anything about it beyond that, and I don't really care to. All I've told him about my history is that I've had a string of short-lived relationships, one that lasted close to 2 years, and that I've just been dating around since that one ended.

 

Okay so based on what you've outlined, the two of you slept together the day after corresponding for the very first time. The reason why I raised the questions in my previous post, is because you really do not know what type of individual you are dealing with.

 

Either it is a concern for you personally, or it's not. But, that's for you to decide.

[New_Life08]

So let me get this straight...he is worried about you feeling like a piece of meat and you are contemplating getting a f**k buddy in lieu of his willingness to abstain --so he can prove he has sex with you because he cares about you?

 

It seems to me he should be the one feeling like a piece of meat. It seems you feel this way because you set yourself up to feel this way. So, if he is genuinely concerned about this...you might want to let him know that besides sex...you're just not that into him (obviously).

 

With that said, his sudden disinterest could also mean:

 

1. A test to see if you care about him or not. (someone may have told him certain things about you, and he is cutting you off to see if it's true)

 

2. Give him time to get through a round of antibiotics for a STD he recently acquired.

 

3. Just be a game to see who caves in first.

 

4. He wants to date someone else to see where it goes.

 

Either way it is odd behavior of a young, healthy, man and it seems there is more to his agenda than he is letting on.

[northstar1]

Tigress, Im curious what it is you truly want. Are you just looking for someone fun to 'hang out' with and have sex?

 

Do you want a committed relationship?

 

It seems that you are looking for someone who wants you, excites you and you can sex with, but aren't necessarily looking for a serious bf?

 

The reason I say this, is based on some of your prior dating stories which seem to start out with a bang (pun sort of intended), it's all very exciting, instense etc, then after a few weeks you lose interest.

 

I'm not saying this is wrong at all, but I am curious if you truly are looking for a committted relationship at this point in your life?

 

The fact you considered a FWB because this guy is postponing sex, suggests your priorities are for physical satisfaction and the thrill of the chase, rather than something emotionally deep and committed?

[tigressA]

Tigress, Im curious what it is you truly want. Are you just looking for someone fun to 'hang out' with and have sex?

 

Do you want a committed relationship?

 

It seems that you are looking for someone who wants you, excites you and you can sex with, but aren't necessarily looking for a serious bf?

 

The reason I say this, is based on some of your prior dating stories which seem to start out with a bang (pun sort of intended), it's all very exciting, instense etc, then after a few weeks you lose interest.

 

I'm not saying this is wrong at all, but I am curious if you truly are looking for a committted relationship at this point in your life?

 

The fact you considered a FWB because this guy is postponing sex, suggests your priorities are for physical satisfaction and the thrill of the chase, rather than something emotionally deep and committed?

 

I do know what I want. I want this guy. I like him. I'm just...scared. Trying to protect my heart, really. That's why I was contemplating the FWB/seeing other people. I find what he's doing fairly odd and I can't help but wonder if there IS someone else and he's just putting me on the backburner for now. I don't want it to be that way.

 

I don't really have a desire to date or hook up with anyone else. I disabled my online profile last week. While I do tend to be the reacher/initiator, I don't want to be the first one to say "Are you seeing anyone else?" I don't like feeling that vulnerable. And I'm scared of the answer I might get. I can see myself being really disappointed if he says there is someone else or that he doesn't want to be exclusive.

 

We'd talked about it a couple weeks ago and he said he'd tell me if he ever went out with anyone else. I'd thought about that for a day or so, and then told him that I don't want him telling me those things because my imagination works overtime every single day and it'd just drive me batty. That might've been a mistake. Because now I don't think I'll ever know if there is anyone else unless I ask, and I'm scared to ask!

Edited July 17, 2010 by tigressA

[marsle85]

Classic. I can't believe you're having sex with a guy you think may be sleeping with someone else. FWB is fine, having sex for your own fun-- fine, but it crosses a line for me when I'm "seeing" or "dating" the guy. Either your heart is in it, or it's not. Are you into him? If so, it's time to toughen up and hold some expectations for him AND yourself. No, FWB (with a guy you're INTO) is not enough. No, he can't be seeing other people when you're SLEEPING with him.

 

It's time for that talk.

[threebyfate]

We'd talked about it a couple weeks ago and he said he'd tell me if he ever went out with anyone else. I'd thought about that for a day or so, and then told him that I don't want him telling me those things because my imagination works overtime every single day and it'd just drive me batty. That might've been a mistake. Because now I don't think I'll ever know if there is anyone else unless I ask, and I'm scared to ask!

This is an unusual conversation. He's telling you that he's open to dating others and you gave him permission to do so without your knowledge.

 

This type of knowledge is conducive to mindgames since he knows you obsess.

 

I agree it's time to have a talk with him about this. If you want exclusivity, ask for it.

[tigressA]

This is an unusual conversation. He's telling you that he's open to dating others and you gave him permission to do so without your knowledge.

 

This type of knowledge is conducive to mindgames since he knows you obsess.

 

I agree it's time to have a talk with him about this. If you want exclusivity, ask for it.

 

Gee, I really messed up there, didn't I? Sometimes I really feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I was just being honest and it could've completely backfired on me.

 

As for him seeing others, I don't know. I really don't know. I'd like to think he isn't, but it's hard for me to convince myself of it, mostly due to past experiences wherein I've assumed the guy wasn't seeing anyone else, but really was. So I at least assume that he is, even if he isn't. Whether I know or don't know, it will drive me batty because that's the way my mind works. I'm a pretty possessive person. He's admitted to being that way too. He doesn't know if I'm seeing anyone else (I'm not and I don't want to); I haven't ever said anything to him about it one way or the other. I guess I am going to have to be the one to ask that question.

Edited July 17, 2010 by tigressA

[CLC2008]

Tigress, there is always a beginning point to a relationship, go back and re-read yours.

 

Good for you for being honest with yourself. All any of us can do, is to try and remain true to that. It's not an easy feat for anyone.

[tigressA]

Thanks, CLC. I'll be bringing up the exclusivity question next time I see him. I'll be really nervous (hell, I'm nervous already) but it has to be done. I need to know. Any tips for me?

[CLC2008]

Thanks, CLC. I'll be bringing up the exclusivity question next time I see him. I'll be really nervous (hell, I'm nervous already) but it has to be done. I need to know. Any tips for me?

 

You can do it girl!

 

Tips? Yes. Prepare yourself, just in case, for the worse possible outcome.

 

You'll be fine either way, I hope it goes well.

[tigressA]

I always tell myself that either way it goes, it will go well. If we become exclusive, good. If not and I have to break it off--it'll suck for a little while, but it frees me up to find what I want, which is also good. Always makes me feel better. It never helps with the nervousness, though! I was thinking more in terms of how to bring it up/what to say. I tend to ramble on and beat around the bush much of the time, and especially when I'm nervewracked.

Edited July 17, 2010 by tigressA

[Curt]

Gee, I really messed up there, didn't I? Sometimes I really feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I was just being honest and it could've completely backfired on me.

 

As for him seeing others, I don't know. I really don't know. I'd like to think he isn't, but it's hard for me to convince myself of it, mostly due to past experiences wherein I've assumed the guy wasn't seeing anyone else, but really was. So I at least assume that he is, even if he isn't. Whether I know or don't know, it will drive me batty because that's the way my mind works. I'm a pretty possessive person. He's admitted to being that way too. He doesn't know if I'm seeing anyone else (I'm not and I don't want to); I haven't ever said anything to him about it one way or the other. I guess I am going to have to be the one to ask that question.

 

I think truth is not really at issue. The idea of finding a FWB was really more of a way for you to find a "soft place to fall" if in fact all this with him went south. You don't generally want to be the one that lets go and becomes vulnerable and therefore, given that you do like him a great deal, this recent change in attitude put you in a place where you started to feel that "lack of control of the reins" and thus perhaps you were getting ready to find the "exit" subconsciously.

 

Thing is Tigress, I've been noticing how eloquent and well-spoken you (and so many others) are on here and I think if anyone is confident and enlightened enough to approach this topic with him, it is you. There's nothing wrong with putting yourself there with a guy who you feel is worth it. Even if he says no to exclusivity at this point, you will know that you have been true enough to yourself and to him to put your heart out there and give love a real chance. It's the hardest thing in the world, especially in this world, to let go and gamble your heart on someone. Problem is, without doing so you will never be able to find true companionship and synergy with another human being in a loving relationship.

 

You both need a good heart-to-heart discussion. Remember, in a good relationship, you don't need to worry about being "in control" all the time. Sometimes, it's the most beautiful thing in the world to share control with someone your heart values so highly. If you want only him, as a truly modern, enlightened woman, you know that you need to feel able to put yourself out there.

 

Again, no matter the outcome, I think marsle and the others are dead on right. Have the talk.

 

Curt

[CLC2008]

I always tell myself that either way it goes, it will go well. If we become exclusive, good. If not and I have to break it off--it'll suck for a little while, but it frees me up to find what I want, which is also good. Always makes me feel better. It never helps with the nervousness, though! I was thinking more in terms of how to bring it up/what to say. I tend to ramble on and beat around the bush much of the time, and especially when I'm nervewracked.

 

That's a good trait to have . I should have stated it more along the lines of "hope for the best, prepare for the worse".

[stillafool]

I was talking last night with the guy I've been seeing for about a month now. We were talking about making plans for next week. I brought up letting him know when he could stay overnight and he said he wanted to cut out having sex "for awhile"--at least a couple of weeks, maybe even up to a couple of months (presuming we're still seeing each other).

 

I don't really like this, of course. I asked him why he wanted to do this and he said he didn't want me feeling like I was nothing but a piece of flesh to him. I never said I felt this way, and I told him so. He said he just "knows" it's in the back of my mind somewhere. And honestly...it is. We did have sex on our first date, after all. Sometimes I get creeped out by how well he can read me. But even though it's in the back of my mind, it's far back enough that I still really want to sleep with him!

 

He didn't say this, but I assume that wanting to know for sure that there's a lot more between us than having great sex is another reason for him doing this. And in that he's not wrong, either. We haven't gone on a single date without having sex.

 

I know he's got good reasons for wanting to try this. I'm just a bit concerned. He said that sex is something he can willingly go without, but with the way he's gone at me before I'm not so sure. And can I willingly go without? I don't know. We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that?

 

 

Depends. If you still plan on hanging out with him, yes. Is he dating other people?

[Ariadne]

I find what he's doing fairly odd and I can't help but wonder if there IS someone else and he's just putting me on the backburner for now.

 

Sigh...

 

Yes tigressA, sorry to inform you this guy is breaking up with you.

 

He had some good sex, knew what he was doing like you say, and now he got bored. My take.

 

Good thing you find bfs right away and won't be alone for long.

[tigressA]

I think truth is not really at issue. The idea of finding a FWB was really more of a way for you to find a "soft place to fall" if in fact all this with him went south. You don't generally want to be the one that lets go and becomes vulnerable and therefore, given that you do like him a great deal, this recent change in attitude put you in a place where you started to feel that "lack of control of the reins" and thus perhaps you were getting ready to find the "exit" subconsciously.

 

Thing is Tigress, I've been noticing how eloquent and well-spoken you (and so many others) are on here and I think if anyone is confident and enlightened enough to approach this topic with him, it is you. There's nothing wrong with putting yourself there with a guy who you feel is worth it. Even if he says no to exclusivity at this point, you will know that you have been true enough to yourself and to him to put your heart out there and give love a real chance. It's the hardest thing in the world, especially in this world, to let go and gamble your heart on someone. Problem is, without doing so you will never be able to find true companionship and synergy with another human being in a loving relationship.

 

You both need a good heart-to-heart discussion. Remember, in a good relationship, you don't need to worry about being "in control" all the time. Sometimes, it's the most beautiful thing in the world to share control with someone your heart values so highly. If you want only him, as a truly modern, enlightened woman, you know that you need to feel able to put yourself out there.

 

Again, no matter the outcome, I think marsle and the others are dead on right. Have the talk.

 

Curt

 

Thanks for this, Curt. It's really dead-on. I will have the talk with him. I'm really, really hoping it goes well. I just know I'm going to be really bummed out for a bit if it doesn't; I'm not going to act like I won't be. I will be really sad. But it's part of life. Keep on truckin' and all that.

[tigressA]

Depends. If you still plan on hanging out with him, yes. Is he dating other people?

 

I already said in prior posts, I don't know if he's seeing other people. He doesn't know if I am, either--I'm not.

[stillafool]

Sorry Tigress I just read your entire thread and I think Curt is spot on. I also think this guy likes you a great deal than he is letting on so a heart to heart talk is definitely in order.