tigressA Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) I was talking last night with the guy I've been seeing for about a month now. We were talking about making plans for next week. I brought up letting him know when he could stay overnight and he said he wanted to cut out having sex "for awhile"--at least a couple of weeks, maybe even up to a couple of months (presuming we're still seeing each other). I don't really like this, of course. I asked him why he wanted to do this and he said he didn't want me feeling like I was nothing but a piece of flesh to him. I never said I felt this way, and I told him so. He said he just "knows" it's in the back of my mind somewhere. And honestly...it is. We did have sex on our first date, after all. Sometimes I get creeped out by how well he can read me. But even though it's in the back of my mind, it's far back enough that I still really want to sleep with him! He didn't say this, but I assume that wanting to know for sure that there's a lot more between us than having great sex is another reason for him doing this. And in that he's not wrong, either. We haven't gone on a single date without having sex. I know he's got good reasons for wanting to try this. I'm just a bit concerned. He said that sex is something he can willingly go without, but with the way he's gone at me before I'm not so sure. And can I willingly go without? I don't know. We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that? Edited July 16, 2010 by tigressA
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I don't really like this, of course. I asked him why he wanted to do this and he said he didn't want me feeling like I was nothing but a piece of flesh to him. I never said I felt this way, and I told him so. He said he just "knows" it's in the back of my mind somewhere. And honestly...it is. We did have sex on our first date, after all. Sometimes I get creeped out by how well he can read me. But even though it's in the back of my mind, it's far back enough that I still really want to sleep with him! It sounds like he is trying to get emotionally invested in you. Why would that be a problem? I know he's got good reasons for wanting to try this. I'm just a bit concerned. He said that sex is something he can willingly go without, but with the way he's gone at me before I'm not so sure. And can I willingly go without? I don't know. We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that? What? Are you mental? Yes you would have to tell him! Also, if you can't wait a month you've got some serious issues. Actually it sounds to me like your just upset that he put it out there first. I don't think you would seriously go find some other guy to sleep with. I think your just upset that he would cut you off like that. Do you have control issues within a relationship?
northstar1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I was talking last night with the guy I've been seeing for about a month now. We were talking about making plans for next week. I brought up letting him know when he could stay overnight and he said he wanted to cut out having sex "for awhile"--at least a couple of weeks, maybe even up to a couple of months (presuming we're still seeing each other). I don't really like this, of course. I asked him why he wanted to do this and he said he didn't want me feeling like I was nothing but a piece of flesh to him. I never said I felt this way, and I told him so. He said he just "knows" it's in the back of my mind somewhere. And honestly...it is. We did have sex on our first date, after all. Sometimes I get creeped out by how well he can read me. But even though it's in the back of my mind, it's far back enough that I still really want to sleep with him! He didn't say this, but I assume that wanting to know for sure that there's a lot more between us than having great sex is another reason for him doing this. And in that he's not wrong, either. We haven't gone on a single date without having sex. I know he's got good reasons for wanting to try this. I'm just a bit concerned. He said that sex is something he can willingly go without, but with the way he's gone at me before I'm not so sure. And can I willingly go without? I don't know. We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that? This is odd. Sometimes people just aren't in the mood for sex for whatever reason, but to declare he wants to abstain for weeks or months is a bit odd. I am not sure how you can start having sex, then withhold it and expect both partners to be okay without it for an extended period. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Actually it sounds to me like your just upset that he put it out there first. I don't think you would seriously go find some other guy to sleep with. I think your just upset that he would cut you off like that. Do you have control issues within a relationship? A bit, yeah. One thing that really annoyed me is that after I told him about my reservations and wanted to discuss it more he said that he wasn't going to discuss it anymore, that it was no longer up for discussion. He really did cut me off, in more ways than one. Every time I've been without for a prolonged length of time has not been by choice. I guess in this situation--if I want to keep seeing this guy--I once again don't have a choice.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 This is odd. Sometimes people just aren't in the mood for sex for whatever reason, but to declare he wants to abstain for weeks or months is a bit odd. I am not sure how you can start having sex, then withhold it and expect both partners to be okay without it for an extended period. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. See, this is exactly what I'm feeling! It IS weird! And I don't see how it's totally impossible to become more emotionally invested while still keeping sex in the equation.
northstar1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 A bit, yeah. One thing that really annoyed me is that after I told him about my reservations and wanted to discuss it more he said that he wasn't going to discuss it anymore, that it was no longer up for discussion. He really did cut me off, in more ways than one. Every time I've been without for a prolonged length of time has not been by choice. I guess in this situation--if I want to keep seeing this guy--I once again don't have a choice. He is a control freak. Both in this instance and withholding sex. He wants complete control over things. Not a good sign my friend. Be wary.
Serenitynow Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 wanted to discuss it more he said that he wasn't going to discuss it anymore, that it was no longer up for discussion. He really did cut me off, in more ways than one. You are empowering his behavior by accepting that HE is in charge of what is discussed and when. I would end it. PERIOD He has shown who he is just by that comment. He is not going to change.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 A bit, yeah. One thing that really annoyed me is that after I told him about my reservations and wanted to discuss it more he said that he wasn't going to discuss it anymore, that it was no longer up for discussion. He really did cut me off, in more ways than one. Every time I've been without for a prolonged length of time has not been by choice. I guess in this situation--if I want to keep seeing this guy--I once again don't have a choice. Well it sounds like your reaction to this is more about your feeling of being manipulated/controlled then it is about just not having sex. He cut off discussion for a reason and that makes me feel like your not getting the full story. You need to re-open this. Tell him that your not worried about the relationship being all about sex... and that if he cuts you off it's all about him... and nothing about you.
EYECANDY000 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Well it sounds like your reaction to this is more about your feeling of being manipulated/controlled then it is about just not having sex. He cut off discussion for a reason and that makes me feel like your not getting the full story. You need to re-open this. Tell him that your not worried about the relationship being all about sex... and that if he cuts you off it's all about him... and nothing about you. I totally agree.. He cant just put something out there and then say the conversation is closed for discussion. Is this how everything will be throughout the relationship? The fact that you cant have a sayso in nothing. You need to address this issue and make sure to nip it right now, before it becomes a repeated cycle.
Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 My initial response was that if you're actually interested in allowing the deeper emotional bond to develop, which is something he's ostensibly going for, then taking a f*ck buddy is in really bad taste, at best, as well as counter-productive. I was going to counsel you to just suck it up and go a couple of weeks without, watch it turn into a squirmfest for the both of you...sometimes the thrill of anticipation really puts an interesting edge on things, and I highly doubt he'd have the willpower to wait more than a week or two. I find his control of the conversation concerning, though. Whenever someone tells me that something that involves me is not up for discussion, all kinds of warning bells go off and I immediately want to do the exact opposite of whatever they want me to do. But then I have rebel-without-a-cause issues.
sagetalk Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that? Are you being serious? Those two sentences are frighting. I cannot imagine any halfway decent guy putting up with that crap of a mentality. I would dump you in a nanosecond if you did that to me.
make me believe Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 He is a control freak. Both in this instance and withholding sex. He wants complete control over things. Not a good sign my friend. Be wary. I totally agree with this. Plus, it's creepy that he's basically saying he's cutting out sex "for your own good" when it's not even what you want. Like he knows better than you do what's good for you? And then saying that you can't even discuss it? HUGE red flag. I'd drop this guy asap. He sounds super controlling and creepy.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I think perhaps he really likes you. And he knows that you like it when the man can read you like a book (what woman doesn't? it's extremely rare) and takes charge. I think him saying a couple of weeks to a couple of months is a test. He's trying to gauge whether you like HIM as a person enough to stick with him for that long without sex. But he can't admit that, so he's saying he's doing all this to reassure you. So noble. And if you are cool with it and put up no resistance, I'm betting he won't last even two weeks. It's a test. And how are you reacting? You are immediately thinking about getting a f**k buddy. This suggests you either don't like him that much, or you are feeling afraid of making a commitment to him, as we know from past threads is an issue for you. Recently, you have said you are enjoying being young and having fun without ties. That is completely your right. It's time to choose: in or out? (And if you're in, agree to no in and out for a while. )
carhill Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Perhaps the ramblings of an old fool, but why on earth would anyone who had sex on their first date want to stop? My rule of thumb for relationships is never go backwards. Leave, sure, but don't go backwards. YMMV
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It's time to choose: in or out? (And if you're in, agree to no in and out for a while. ) LOL! I'm not ready to condemn him for the "not open for discussion" remark just yet. He may have meant for that particular conversation. I'd broach the subject and if he repeated it, then it would bother me that he was dismissive of my need to discuss. BUT it's moot if you're not relationship minded. If you're not, it's time to tell him because it sounds like he might be.
pandagirl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 OK, am I the only one who thinks this is REALLY weird? I feel like you can't go backwards in a relationship like that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 OK, am I the only one who thinks this is REALLY weird? I feel like you can't go backwards in a relationship like that. No... I think this guy definitely has an agenda. Maybe he is taking control of the relationship, maybe she was giving him signs that she is insecure about his feelings, maybe he is sleeping with other women, maybe he is afraid of STD's.... there could be 100 reasons. Bottom line is she needs to talk to him about it.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) I think perhaps he really likes you. And he knows that you like it when the man can read you like a book (what woman doesn't? it's extremely rare) and takes charge. I think him saying a couple of weeks to a couple of months is a test. He's trying to gauge whether you like HIM as a person enough to stick with him for that long without sex. But he can't admit that, so he's saying he's doing all this to reassure you. So noble. And if you are cool with it and put up no resistance, I'm betting he won't last even two weeks. It's a test. And how are you reacting? You are immediately thinking about getting a f**k buddy. This suggests you either don't like him that much, or you are feeling afraid of making a commitment to him, as we know from past threads is an issue for you. Recently, you have said you are enjoying being young and having fun without ties. That is completely your right. It's time to choose: in or out? (And if you're in, agree to no in and out for a while. ) I think this is exactly what it is. I thought about it for awhile and I realized that he IS testing me. I thought about the circumstances that led to us having sex each time and every single time, I was the one to initiate it. I am an aggressor; I like to be in control. I think he's realized this but now is reasserting his dominance and seeing how I react to it. And if I say "Well screw this" then I have little doubt he'd be out in a nanosecond. I am kind of afraid of making a commitment. I like him, but...yeah, I'm wondering a bit about his feelings for me. And in regards to the "Not up for discussion" thing, that was after we'd already discussed it. I'd told him that the reason he gave wasn't a problem for me, blah blah. It was more of a "We've already discussed this, nothing more to talk about" kind of "Not up for discussion" more than a "Not up for discussion, period" kind of thing. I think if I'd actually asked him a specific question, like "Do you have any other reasons for doing this?" then he would've told me. He assumed--and rightly--that I'd just ramble on because I tend to do that. Edited July 16, 2010 by tigressA
Curt Posted July 16, 2010 Moderators Posted July 16, 2010 I think this is exactly what it is. I thought about it for awhile and I realized that he IS testing me. I thought about the circumstances that led to us having sex each time and every single time, I was the one to initiate it. I am an aggressor; I like to be in control. I think he's realized this but now is reasserting his dominance and seeing how I react to it. And if I say "Well screw this" then I have little doubt he'd be out in a nanosecond. Then I think you have to determine whether your relationship is worth the time going without. The issue of a possible FWB should be totally out of the question. I'm surprised that you could even entertain that possibility. Surely, you know how unacceptable that would be in the context of your relationship with him. I'm thinking that sometimes (perhaps all times?) being exclusive is a matter of just being so. Sometimes it doesn't need stating. It just becomes a fact over time. Curt
Feelin Frisky Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 What a pussy wipe. Now there's an example of a guy going female thinking. If you've made it through to a place where you enjoy sex with him and like who he is, ask him if he expects to be young and live forever. Further, for me, tell him to knock off that prissy double talk and man up--dump that head case repression shi+ and get down on your noonie.
Author tigressA Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Then I think you have to determine whether your relationship is worth the time going without. The issue of a possible FWB should be totally out of the question. I'm surprised that you could even entertain that possibility. Surely, you know how unacceptable that would be in the context of your relationship with him. I'm thinking that sometimes (perhaps all times?) being exclusive is a matter of just being so. Sometimes it doesn't need stating. It just becomes a fact over time. Curt We're seeing each other. To be exclusive, to me, means that some sort of talk has to happen first wherein both parties agree to an exclusive status. I don't deal in "implied" stuff; that just leads to trouble as I've found in the past. Most people in my age group (I'm 23, he's 27) operate this way in terms of dating. Maybe he doesn't? I don't know.
Curt Posted July 16, 2010 Moderators Posted July 16, 2010 What a pussy wipe. Now there's an example of a guy going female thinking. OOOh my, Frisk ... So many woman-ized dudes out there. Don't know if there's enough time to re-program 'em all, man... C.
Curt Posted July 16, 2010 Moderators Posted July 16, 2010 We're seeing each other. To be exclusive, to me, means that some sort of talk has to happen first wherein both parties agree to an exclusive status. I don't deal in "implied" stuff; that just leads to trouble as I've found in the past. Most people in my age group (I'm 23, he's 27) operate this way in terms of dating. Maybe he doesn't? I don't know. Fair enuf, but I still think you have to do some relationship evaluation at this point, all the same. Definitely seems like there's something strange goin on...
marsle85 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Tigressa, I think everyone is overreacting. I do NOT think he's testing you, I do NOT think he's backing out- what normal guy would willingly cut out of sex when he's only interested in the physical? T, he LIKES you. He senses your hesitation, and may be a guy you potentially could really like! He may just be a great guy, who wants similar to what you wants- but notices the same "she feels like a bootycall" vibe, and wants to change it. In opposite to what everyone says, I think he is INVESTING in the relationship, NOT cutting away from it! I think control is an issue here, but you should appreciate the guy for taking control of the relationship, he thinks you're worth something more serious. Enjoy it for what it is... I honestly, honestly think he just wants to see you as more of a girlfriend than now, not testing you.
GrayClouds Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It a herpes outbreak, 2 to 4 weeks, he will have it all cleared up.
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