eeyore1981 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 My H moved out a week ago at my request. We've talked some, and he is trying to get help for his situation. I have a wedding to attend tomorrow, and I asked H if he was going. I think he is, but not 100% sure. My dilemma is this wedding. I'm trying to move on and make things better in my new life. I am really shy. I am very close with the groom, like a mother/son relationship. I get along with his parents. As for the rest of the people there, I'm figuring there will be a few very casual acquaintances, and the rest strangers. This kind of social situation is a panic-inducing nightmare for me. Something normally I would try to avoid. Can anyone help me with some advice? I'd really, really like this wedding to be something I enjoyed, at least a little bit, vs. something I endured. My life as I knew it ended a week ago, and I need to be able to make a new life. I'm going to be in situations like this a lot unless I want to spend a lot of time alone, and I would like to make the most of this opportunity to spread my wings, I guess. I'd like to be able to go to the reception, instead of bailing right after the wedding. Help, please? TIA
jenngem Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Kudos to you for going! I've had bouts/ periods of social anxiety before, here are some of my coping techniques: 1. find one person you trust a bit who you know is going there and ally yourself with him/her. Explain the situation to that person and that you would like some support during the event. 2. have some 'one liners' ready. Think of different sentences or questions that you can use to open up conversations or move them along - a bit more creative than 'great weather today'. 3. make sure you look really confident and say something in a strong but natural voice when you are first introduced to new people. First impressions are important at mingle-style events. If you come across well the first 15 seconds, a lot of the job is done. It doesn't really matter if you feel shy inside, because people don't expect you to be shy - they will expect you to be relaxed and confident and so if you manage to look a bit confident and relaxed, that's what they think you are. And then you will have started a positive spiral. 4. If it's an event where the couple decides who sits where, the ask the groom (if you are comfortable discussing this with him) to seat you close to people he thinks you would get along with and who are easy to talk to. Good luck
jenngem Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh I forgot two more 5. wear something that makes you feel GREAT. 6. get a good pep talk from a close friend just before setting off to the party. You can do it!
2sure Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I attend quite a few events and although I am not shy...sometimes I know hardly anyone. Even when I was married we attended many seperate functions and I am often solo. It took me some time to get the hang of it. Sometimes, when I really dont know anyone, OR when I'm tired or otherwise just not into it, OR when I'm kind of out of my "pond"...what I do is this: I simply attend. Thats my job. My role is GUEST. I sit back, talk to whom I am seated near, make a couple of smiling trips to the bar, the desert table, the ladies room, sit/watch/clap/laugh/toast whenever required. As long as I have a smile on my face and relax...I have a nice time. No panic, no awkwardness. Because whether I am chatting with many or none..I'm just glad to be there. As far as what to do with yourself if you find yourself comppletely unoccupied...just enjoy people watching.
2sure Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh yeah, and because it is a wedding - a private social function - your job as a good guest is also to notice anyone else sitting alone or wandering around and introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm 2sure - would you mind if I sat down?" If you are too shy for that - go for the old people. They love to meet new people and are always interesting, plus they are kind of captive!
Author eeyore1981 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Thanks for the help. 2sure, I understand my role as a guest is to attend. I promised to go to this wedding way back before the date was even set, even though I wasn't real thrilled about it, because this particular kind of setting stirs up a lot of anxiety in me. But I think your advice is very good. I just wanted to clarify I'm not trying to make this wedding about me except for I'm seeing this as a good opportunity first-step kind of thing to start overcoming some issues I have. Attending functions like this is something I would like to learn to look forward to, instead of dreading, and I have to start somewhere. Jenngem, I was going to 'scrounge up' something out of the closet, but thanks to you, I'm now going out today to find me something nice to wear. I think that will really help me feel more confident. I've pulled this kind of thing off before, and it's always gone well, so I don't know why I even have this problem, but I do, and am going to work hard towards really feeling it instead of faking it.
Butterflair Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Weddings are hard to attend when your going through a divorce. I went to one a few weeks ago and found myself in tears, not during the ceremony but during the reception and the first dance. Everything reminded me of how alone I am now. Just realize that it might be difficult and allow yourself some slack. I'm sure they would understand if you left early or didn't attend. See how you feel when it gets closer.
Author eeyore1981 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Weddings are hard to attend when your going through a divorce. I went to one a few weeks ago and found myself in tears, not during the ceremony but during the reception and the first dance. Everything reminded me of how alone I am now. Just realize that it might be difficult and allow yourself some slack. I'm sure they would understand if you left early or didn't attend. See how you feel when it gets closer. BBM Cuss word, cuss word, cuss word, I didn't even think about that part of it. And I found a really nice blouse to wear with my slacks and was thinking about having a manicure and maybe getting some false eyelashes. I'm doomed. My H just left here, second night in a row of talking. He's going with me to the wedding tomorrow, and he's doing work, and talking of maybe getting back together if he gets his head out of his a$$, and I finally getting to vent and get the responses from him I've needed for so long, so I'm considering it, which I know is probably one of the worst decisions on the planet ever, I swear I am not a spineless doormat, I can make some people quake in fear with a single look, wth is wrong with me??????
Butterflair Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Nothing is wrong with you. You still love him and he is giving you what you needed, he is apologizing and making an effort. He is owning his mistakes. You can still take things slowly and not be a doormat. Consider it like a new start and he is courting you. Go to the wedding, have a good time but just don't have expectations either way. It's just a night and keep a positive outlook.
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