My husband has an affair with our Aupair

[sad_koi]

Very sad story...

 

I have been married for 20 years with 2 boys (13 and 11 years old). In last December, I successfully got accepted into a very competitive nurse anesthetist program. The school is extremely intensive with labile clinical hours 50+ hours per week (from 5:00 am - 7 pm even later). My husband works night shift (weekend). I anticipated I could not manage to cook and take boys to schools etc. My husband and I decided to get a bigger loan to hire an Aupair. She arrived at end of December last year.

 

Everything ran smoothly and I was glad to find one who perfectly matched us. We treated her very nice as we were the host dad and mom. She is 23 years slim girl. Until the end of March, something arouse my suspicions - my husband treated her much more better than he treated me. When I confronted him, he always said that he, as a host father (47 years old), treated her like our daughter. So, I committed to trust him, treated this girl even better than ever because "I am a host mom".

 

From March to first week of June, my husband behaved so strange that I felt like he tried to detach from me - but I could tell what's wrong.... until the first week of June, he took me out to a restaurant for 6 hours - finally he disclosed that he had an affair with her. That Friday's evening, they had a plan to run away because they anticipated that I would kick them out. Instead, I was very calm and told him three times that if he chose me, I would forgive him. On returning home, the girl knew that my husband was confused and could not make a decision. She was very mad and threatened to get $20,000 because she might get pregnant. Her period has not due yet, in order to figure out the chances of conception, I threw them a calender to show me their sex pattern, ? any unprotected sex and the period. Very sadly, my husband had sex with her every day while I was at school, during our 20 years anniversary's week.

 

In order to send her back to her hometown, I negotiated with her to give her $15,000 (my student loan). I just wanted to kick her ass back to her mom. Otherwise, she insisted to stay somewhere in US to be a illegal worker. The next day, we drove her to her friends while waiting her pregnancy test. Thank God, the test was negative. After 5 days, she left.

 

I hold my marriage to be the highest integrity and holy. My husband broke our vow. I felt betrayed and heart-broken. The drama they played at home was totally perfect. I could not concentrate my study anymore (nurse anesthetist school is like medical school). So, I quited school and because of this incidence, I lost $70,000. ($50,000 gone to school tuition, $15,000 gone to this woman, $5000 for the agency fee).

 

We have been going to counseling for 5 weeks. My husband and I decided to sleep into 2 different beds because my husband has hard time trying to forget her. He told me that he is not a "switch" - he needs time to work his emotion out of this girl. But I have hard time to say "OK" that they can maintain a friendship online. I am laying out my boundaries that I don't want to see them in contact anymore.

 

Our marriage has up and down. Chronic stress wore everyone out. But my bottom line is, nothing justified cheating, esp. the idea I am going back to school is not for me personally. He supported me as this is a family decision and the strongest motivation behind is for my family.

 

I am doubting, another biggest bump in front of us in restoring this marriage is TRUST. They both lied to me in that 3-months period and involved in sex intensively. I am 43 year old, average size (looks like 30). That girl is slim, wear size 2. I don't mean to compare me with her. But I can't help thinking of, my husband would enjoy sex more with her (young, with no babies) while I am older, had vaginal deliveries. (a little sloppy stomach, and loss of pelvic muscle tone).

 

When I tried to figure out the chance of conception, I knew thoroughly about EVERY SINGLE details of how they did during intercourse, it hurts very bad. I don't know how to get over it. Sometimes, I get anxiety attack - those unwanted images popped up in my mind causing me burst in tears.

 

I know I need to forgive. But I don't know how to not think of it. - Sad Koi

[xpaperxcutx]

Wait, why were you the one who paid her off? If anything you could have filed for divorce. Why are you willing to put with a meandering husband that f--- the nanny in front of your kids?

 

I don't understand how much attachment you have towards your husband, but I think you've been lenient enough with him.

 

Get angry, get upset, separate, move out, or take the kids. Instead you're letting turn the tables on you by saying " Oh, I need time to sort through my feelings about the girl".

 

Really, when he was bonking her, did he care about your feelings?

[Kamille]

Paper, a lot of betrayed spouses choose to stay in the marriage and try to work things out. Sad_Koi has a lot invested in this marriage: it's her life, her home and her family. I understand her decision to see if there is something so salvage.

 

sad_koi, I don't have much input to give you. A friend of mine just found out her husband cheated and people have recommended marriagebuilders.com.

 

You're absolutely right that he should cut all contact. What he's experiencing right now is withdrawal form the au pair.

 

Anyways, all the best to you and stay strong.

[Bryanp]

Are you crazy? You said it is acceptable to maintain an online friendship with this woman? You have lost your mind. Please see an attorney. He has put you through the ringer. What a total slimeball. Don't waste the rest of your life with such a person. You and your children deserve better than this.

[Fight4Me]

I'm actually quite dumbfounded over the fact that she was given $15,000 to get out of your lives. I'm assuming you were reacting in shock and not thinking clearly, but now it's time to sober up. If you do not, I guarantee you will look back on how you handled the initial stages with an enormous amount of regret and self-loathing.

 

First of all, is this Aupair registered with an agency or have any kind of official certification? If so, report her behavior now, and make it clear you expect them to take action against her before she ruins another marriage/family. In fact, demand your money back!

 

Did she go back to her home country? If not, notify Immigration immediately, and don't be afraid to tell them what happened. She practically blackmailed you!

 

Second, under no circumstances is your husband to have any contact with this individual. He may "not be a switch," but you need to take one to him. You will not be able to save your marriage by bending to what he might claim to be his wants/needs. Now is the time to get proactive and set some very strong boundaries with him. For instance, further contact, and he needs to leave. Period. Consult with a lawyer to determine your rights. This does not mean you are filing for divorce, but simply educating yourself.

 

Third, go back to the school you were attending and explain you went through a major crisis and believed you withdrew prematurely due to the shock you were experiencing. At the very least, ask if they wouldn't make an exception and allow you to restart under the funds paid but maybe at a later date. I know that going back to school at this particular time seems extremely unappealing, but I am familiar with the nurse anesthetist field (but prefer to not elaborate due to TMI), and you would be setting yourself up for a lifelong career of financial security.

 

Ultimately, I believe marriages can be saved after infidelity, but only if both spouses are fully committed to reconciliation. You will never know if your WH is until he's faced with the reality of losing his family. Do not even think about competing with this OW because she is no match for you. She's a lowlife crook.

 

As for forgiveness, that is a gift you give to yourself, and is not for anyone else's benefit. Do not try to rush it or else it won't be real and it won't bring the peace it's supposed to.

 

Be good to yourself. (((hugs)))

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know I need to forgive. But I don't know how to not think of it. - Sad Koi

 

Forgive and forget are two different things.

 

He broke your relationship. It should be up to him to fix it. Maybe you should take a tough stance and kick him out until he starts acting like your marriage means something to him.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Sad Koi,

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

 

It doesn't appear you have been thinking clearly.

 

How dare your husband sleep in a different room (refuse to bond with you) because he can't forget HER! He was afraid you would kick him out and that is what you should do. Let him get over her or conduct an online relationship outside of the family home.

 

I agree with others who said you should not have paid this woman. For all you know, she may have done this before and intended from the start to seduce your husband. That is not an excuse for his behavior. If there is an agency, report her.

 

He needs a reality check. This woman is not genuinely interested in him. I would be very tempted to look into her background and see if she has done this before. If she has, maybe that will help your husband's "switch."

 

You have my sympathy. Start doing things for yourself and your children. Don't tell yourself your children benefit from having their father, in his current confused state, in the home. They don't!

[scatterd]

I fee so bad for you what a horrible feeling.He is getting babied for what he has done.How will he know you will not allow this if he has no consequences

He has to have no contact with her he is the one that should be earning your trust.Do not allow him to ruin your education for a better life you may not want him later you might find out this is to big for you.See an attorney just so you know your rights you deserve so much more then this.Let him be with that low life he Will come running back but with time you might find you don't want him.I am afraid he will continue this when everything has cooled down.

my prayer are with you good luck and big hugs.

[Hazyhead]

It looks to me like they might be maintaining their sexual and emotional relationship online, or by whatever communication and he is not going to connect with you whilst that's happening. Hence him wanting to sleep in the other room, perhaps so he can be in night-time communication with her.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[SarahRose]

Your husband is a weak idiot. Kick him out. He needs to suffer the consequences of what he has done. He has ruined your life and plans while he gets off scott free and has the audacity to want to continue with this tramp?

 

Report her to the agency you got her from and to immigration. Have her tramping ass booted out of the country. I bet she has done this before to extort money from families.

 

You really do deserve better than this.

 

To forgive and forget you have to have a reason to do that. Your husband isn't giving you any reason to.

[Jilly Bean]

Sad Koi - do you have a strong support system where you are? If so, please tap into it immediately.

 

I find your H's behavior to be reprehensible. He is unremorseful, and IMO, it seems like you are the only one doing the work to try and salvage this M.

 

Everything you have done since he confessed (and I think he confessed hoping you would kick him out so he could be with her), has only enabled him. Your actions have basically given him a free pass on any culpability for what he has done. You continue to allow him to roam around the house, bemoan his love for the aupair, and withhold affection from you.

 

I would also recommend individual counseling, as I think you need someone to help you learn how to stand up for yourself a bit more. OK, a LOT more.

 

I strongly suspect he isn't done with her, and I think you have more drama coming your way.

 

Protect yourself, Koi, and ask yourself honestly why you are trying so hard to save something on your own, when you were the victim, and not the perpetrator.

 

Blessed be...

[kuma]

I strongly suspect he isn't done with her, and I think you have more drama coming your way.

 

Protect yourself, Koi, and ask yourself honestly why you are trying so hard to save something on your own, when you were the victim, and not the perpetrator.

 

Blessed be...

 

I agree. They were going to run away together. Keep an eye on your bank accounts, investments, etc. Don't trust your husband yet. Please protect your assets.

[Iconoclast]

A. IF..This is to be fixed. He HAS to have absolutely NO CONTACT with her. Period. Until that is in place, anything you try is fruitless.

B. You cannot trust him at his word to do A. So, are you prepared to monitor (spy..whatever) phone, online, bank etc.?

C. If he will not abide by A. Then it is time for him to leave.

 

If he is in contact with her do not believe a word he says. Heck, you're a semi- anesthesiologist, go read up on the Chemistry of Love, you'll learn a lot.

 

Recovery is usually long and very painful. Make sure you want that. Stop beating yourself up, you did nothing wrong, it's understandable. You're in trauma.

 

and finish that nurse anesthesiology program, when you can, might as well make HOLY CRAP money, married or not.

[sad_koi]

Thanks for your advice.

 

The primary reason of giving her money is, I wanted the woman to leave US ASAP. If not, she would stay and hide somewhere in US. If I would have called agency, I was afraid my husband would be sued for rape if that woman had false testimony.

 

He told the counselor why he cheated because he did not feel loved in past 10 years. I did not feel loved neither. Chronic stress - full load of house chores, he did not share parenting, study and homeschooling - made me so exhausted. In past 10 years, he was having bad temper, no patience towards kids. Even now, he did not have good relationship with his two boys. Two days ago, he said that in order to save this marriage, I need to give up the boys to ? Host families. He seldom share parenting. He always said that he regrets to have kids.

 

During the whole crisis, I have given him a lot of patience and mercy. He still have hard time forgetting that woman. He always said that he does not know how to love me again, he has problems how to re-ignite the love sparks between us.

 

He is planning a trip to Hong Kong in October this year. I asked him, I am afraid that the woman may come down from Mainland China to visit him. He did not give me a definite answer of "NO". That means, he could not eliminate the possibility that he may see her again.

 

My hope is gone dead. I know I need to stay strong and be back on feet again. He said that he cannot promise any future to me.

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are going through this I would get myself prepared for anything.I know how bad it feels but do not allow him to take your self

esteem or to be nasty to you.If he plans on seeing her again then tell him

you will not allow it.I would say either we work this out or not.Go see an attorney to find out your options.Again I am sorry you hurt and I hope

things work out.Also about the boys how heartless I would pick them.

Good luck I do Hope things happen in your favor.

[sally4sara]

I hope you have proof for this stuff, because it sounds to me like you're going to be left holding a big bag of debt over this by a person I highly doubt will willingly help provide for the two kids after the split. Especially considering he wants them shipped off.

 

Can I ask who's idea it was to get an au pair for an 11 year old and a 13 year old? Why not someone local who could just monitor them in the summer and after school? Why the extreme measure of moving someone into your home?

 

Oh! and drain the bank account. See if he can go to China with no money.

[sad_koi]

Hiring an aupair is both from our ideas. We chose together in the beginning. In order to get a extra loan for childcare, the provider has to be licensed or aupair. The licensed local provider charges $1500 per month. They have very limited hours and very inflexible. My clinical runs from 5:00 am every day.

 

I will re-apply the anesthetist program one more time... now, get to pay off some debt first. The hardest hit is, I trust him 100% and he is very special in my heart. All of sudden, he is just like jerk. He rather loves a girl known for 2 months, but risk destroying the grace and vow of 20 years.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thanks for your advice.

 

The primary reason of giving her money is, I wanted the woman to leave US ASAP. If not, she would stay and hide somewhere in US. If I would have called agency, I was afraid my husband would be sued for rape if that woman had false testimony.

 

He told the counselor why he cheated because he did not feel loved in past 10 years. I did not feel loved neither. Chronic stress - full load of house chores, he did not share parenting, study and homeschooling - made me so exhausted. In past 10 years, he was having bad temper, no patience towards kids. Even now, he did not have good relationship with his two boys. Two days ago, he said that in order to save this marriage, I need to give up the boys to ? Host families. He seldom share parenting. He always said that he regrets to have kids.

 

During the whole crisis, I have given him a lot of patience and mercy. He still have hard time forgetting that woman. He always said that he does not know how to love me again, he has problems how to re-ignite the love sparks between us.

 

He is planning a trip to Hong Kong in October this year. I asked him, I am afraid that the woman may come down from Mainland China to visit him. He did not give me a definite answer of "NO". That means, he could not eliminate the possibility that he may see her again.

And you trust him to go to Hong Kong knowing this??? If this man had no intentions of cheating on you anymore...this little trip of his wouldnt even cross his mind given the events that just happened! He is DEFINATELY planning to hook up with her...and couldnt care less about you at this point.

My hope is gone dead. I know I need to stay strong and be back on feet again. He said that he cannot promise any future to me.

 

He can't promise a future with you...and yet you pay off this chick, put your life on hold..and get into all this debt for what!?!?!?! Sheesh do you have any hate or anger or resentment for this man at all?????? He is totally laughing at you through all this...and yes I can see him leaving with this woman at the end of it all..sad to say!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hiring an aupair is both from our ideas. We chose together in the beginning. In order to get a extra loan for childcare, the provider has to be licensed or aupair. The licensed local provider charges $1500 per month. They have very limited hours and very inflexible. My clinical runs from 5:00 am every day.

 

I will re-apply the anesthetist program one more time... now, get to pay off some debt first. The hardest hit is, I trust him 100% and he is very special in my heart. All of sudden, he is just like jerk. He rather loves a girl known for 2 months, but risk destroying the grace and vow of 20 years.

 

 

Huh!?!? Am I missing something here??? You trust this man 100%??????? I don't get it! Honey get some help...you seriously need it!

[jnj express]

You have this all backwards---Your scumbag H. should be paying the girl off by working overtime , and take the money from the OT proceeds-

 

---actually you shouldn't be paying her anything at all

 

You got scammed probably, basically cuz your H. couldn't keep it in his pants.

 

If you are bound and determined to stay in this relationship then your H. goes NC, right now---also I would put a P I on this girl and find out her whereabouts---if she is not out of the country, I would go after her, and get your money back---plus she might be pulling this scam on another innocent couple with a stupid H. that can't control himself

[torranceshipman]

OMG I feel so bad for you. Your H has violated your M completely. You have completely honored the M in every possible way by fighting to save it but he has gone TOO FAR. I wish you would leave him because he is treating you like absolute garbage. Now you have lost your place at college, lost a huge financial investment, spent $15k on paying off his mistress, and now he won't even sleep in the same bed as you? It is completely disgusting. There is nothing left here to save. The shame is ALL ON HIM and he is making you feel so bad and horrible about yourself. It really isn't right. I don't think he deserves one more day of your time, seriously - he doesn't deserve to have you in his life anymore.

[Corporate]

Are they still in contact online? If so, why are you letting this continue?

 

Why is your H going to Hong Kong? Will he lose his job if he doesn't go? You cannot let him go alone; you NEED to go with him or else see an attorney.

 

This is madness. Paying this mistress $15K to go away while the sex was consensual!!!

[2sunny]

divorce him. seriously!

[LSNoob]

Damn it wish I came across this post earlier. I hope you still here to see this sad_koi.

 

But I can't help thinking of, my husband would enjoy sex more with her (young, with no babies) while I am older, had vaginal deliveries. (a little sloppy stomach, and loss of pelvic muscle tone).

 

I really not trying to be rude or anything. I'm sorry. I know my advice is prob random and off topic, but I just want to tell you something so YOU feel good.

 

There are exercises called Kegel Exercises. There are two types; for women and for men.

 

For women:

It is recommended for women after giving birth. It will strengthen your pelvic muscle and you will be back like an 18yo virgin:D. And bonus to that you will have the ability to control your pelvic muscle (Eg; you can squeeze on the male genitals). Men get the best sex with women that do these exercises, even better than having sex with a virgin, because of that ability to control your pelvic muscle.

 

Here is the website : http://www.kegelexercisesforwomen.com (and google it if you want to find out more about it)

 

For men:

At the same time there are kegel for men ( if your husband needs them ). They cure erectile dysfunctions, will cure pre-mature ejaculation and will give much more stronger erections. Just tell your husband to google "kegel exercises for men". Not to mention the increase in size of his pecker .

 

So pleaaaaaaaaseee don't worry about your body, you are more than perfect. You have no idea how many men out there and on this forum wish they have a good wife like you. Your husband is a scumbag and a loser. Pathetic loser. Can't even be responsible to take care of his family.

 

Your husband better give you back that $70,000 you spent. Was his fault for being an ignorant idiot.

 

Hope you keep us updated and always feel free to come here and vent out. Wish you best of luck.

Edited August 9, 2010 by LSNoob

[RecordProducer]

If this story is true...

 

Sad Koi, go back to school and dump this dirty scum bag. Why did you quit?

 

What kind of a woman tells her husband she'd take him back if he chose her? A woman with no integrity, a woman who wants to be cheated again. He was confused and wanted to run with her instead of begging you for forgiveness. He will do this to you again. You're still young, but you will get older and older, and his mistresses will get younger and younger. He's not a keeper, so don't keep him.

 

It's really sad that someone who got into such a competitive program like "nurse anesthetist" dropped out because of a worthless husband.That occupation comes with an extraordinary amount of responsibility. Maybe you can't endure the pressure, but I still don't see why was your marriage with this loser more important than your future career. Will you ever trust him again? You trusted him when he pretended to be a host father. What a pervert! I am twice divorced with two kids, attending grad school and I wouldn't go back to a broken marriage, let along drop out of school.