lullaby Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Ok, honestly, I don't seem to be getting much support with my current situation, but it's fine, I know I'm not always around for everyone either and I guess my topic is quite boring by now. I guess my question is: The dumpee should go NC to move on and heal, work on yourself, right? If the dumper breaks NC, appears to catch up, never says he/she wants you back right away, that they want to get to know you again, and go slow. The dumpee then gets high hopes for no reason, because no one said "we're getting back", gets mad, puts up a fight, and the dumper says "But we were taking it slowly, I want to be with you but also think we should take our times to work on it together". Then, everything becomes a game of power and tension arises. The dumper calls, the dumpee acts detached, the dumpee calls, the dumper acts friendly. What would the dumpee do if they want the dumper back, are not sure about getting back to the relationship but need a sense of closure to the situation? I won't bother you anymore with this... It's my last try with the topic.
northstar1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Lullaby I think you need to look closely at the effort the dumper is putting in. Yes, he ventured back, wanted to catch up etc- but if he is truly looking for a 2nd chance, shouldn't he be basically breaking down your door with apologies, and plan on how to get back your love and try again? it seems like he has one foot in the pool only and so that's not what you deserve isn't it?
Ilovecake Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 What would the dumpee do if they want the dumper back, are not sure about getting back to the relationship but need a sense of closure to the situation? It's a little difficult to figure out what your question is since you are writing in third person. Also the above statement has so many contradictions that I have no idea what you want. You want to be with him but you don't want to be with him but you require some sort of closure. What is sense of closure? What does that mean to you? Because as far as I know that doesn't really exist when it comes to relationships. I mean it's a two way street, you're either in a relationship or your not. Too many people seem to think that there is another state in between which just drags out the pain. One you've been in a serious relationship there is no way of going back to just dating and taking it slow, you've already shared intimacies you can't take back. So I guess it’s back to you guys are either on or off. Sounds to me like both of you are confused as to what you want. Maybe you both don’t want to be together but fear being alone. I would say stop trying to influence his decision and worry strictly about what YOU want. If you're not getting what you want from this person then look for it somewhere else.
Maverick1983 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Ok, honestly, I don't seem to be getting much support with my current situation, but it's fine, I know I'm not always around for everyone either and I guess my topic is quite boring by now. I guess my question is: The dumpee should go NC to move on and heal, work on yourself, right? If the dumper breaks NC, appears to catch up, never says he/she wants you back right away, that they want to get to know you again, and go slow. The dumpee then gets high hopes for no reason, because no one said "we're getting back", gets mad, puts up a fight, and the dumper says "But we were taking it slowly, I want to be with you but also think we should take our times to work on it together". Then, everything becomes a game of power and tension arises. The dumper calls, the dumpee acts detached, the dumpee calls, the dumper acts friendly. What would the dumpee do if they want the dumper back, are not sure about getting back to the relationship but need a sense of closure to the situation? I won't bother you anymore with this... It's my last try with the topic. I think you're close to answering you're own question.If you are not sure what to do then you shouldn't make any decisions based on pity hurt or pressure.Only when you're ready can you decide what's best for you.In my case I'm the dumper and I want my ex back but my ex the dumpee is very wary about it and not ready to give me a clear decision.So what I am currently doing is offering my friendship as a peace offering because I hurt her.Don't rush into anything IMO but if you need to make a clear decision yourself then you need to decide whether it's with or without your ex in the picture.If you need time and space to make a decision he should understand.If you fear he only wants to be friends then you should respond to that issue seperately.You should maybe try to edit the post as it's pretty unclear what the situation is.I wish you luck though. Edited July 16, 2010 by Maverick1983
Author lullaby Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your replies. It's a little difficult to figure out what your question is since you are writing in third person. Also the above statement has so many contradictions that I have no idea what you want. You want to be with him but you don't want to be with him but you require some sort of closure. What is sense of closure? What does that mean to you? Because as far as I know that doesn't really exist when it comes to relationships. I mean it's a two way street, you're either in a relationship or your not. Too many people seem to think that there is another state in between which just drags out the pain. One you've been in a serious relationship there is no way of going back to just dating and taking it slow, you've already shared intimacies you can't take back. So I guess it’s back to you guys are either on or off. Sounds to me like both of you are confused as to what you want. Maybe you both don’t want to be together but fear being alone. I would say stop trying to influence his decision and worry strictly about what YOU want. If you're not getting what you want from this person then look for it somewhere else. I apologize for not being clear enough. I want to be with him but of course I need to trust again, therefore, I’m not sure about getting back to the relationship right away. I know it’s difficult to act like you don’t know the other person because you do. I meant a sense of closure because I’m trying to move on, there is a guy I like at my new job and we’re flirting, but I don’t feel it right because I’m afraid my ex will contact and I would like to know it’s finally over and there’s nothing left to do before finally moving on. I think you're close to answering you're own question.If you are not sure what to do then you shouldn't make any decisions based on pity hurt or pressure.Only when you're ready can you decide what's best for you.In my case I'm the dumper and I want my ex back but my ex the dumpee is very wary about it and not ready to give me a clear decision.So what I am currently doing is offering my friendship as a peace offering because I hurt her.Don't rush into anything IMO but if you need to make a clear decision yourself then you need to decide whether it's with or without your ex in the picture.If you need time and space to make a decision he should understand.If you fear he only wants to be friends then you should respond to that issue seperately.You should maybe try to edit the post as it's pretty unclear what the situation is.I wish you luck though. Right. Well, my ex offered that, a friendship as a peace offering because he hurt me, and he said that. He said it would be best for us to go slow because he knew he had hurt me and I needed to trust him again. I don’t want to be friends with him, that’s the point, I want to have the certainty that we’re moving closer to a relationship, otherwise, it’s just crumbs and it’s not good enough for me. Lullaby I think you need to look closely at the effort the dumper is putting in. Yes, he ventured back, wanted to catch up etc- but if he is truly looking for a 2nd chance, shouldn't he be basically breaking down your door with apologies, and plan on how to get back your love and try again? it seems like he has one foot in the pool only and so that's not what you deserve isn't it? Northstar. Of course you’re right about what you say, if he wants me back, he should work hard to win me over, the thing is that I made so easy for him when he reappeared that I never let him struggle with the idea of losing me. I hope it’s clearer now. I’ve written another post about it, it’s longer and in full detail but I guess I was quite boring. Thanks again and hope I can keep counting on your advice, it really helps. Edited July 16, 2010 by lullaby
Maverick1983 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Oh right now I get it.Well IMO opinion because you were the one who was hurt in all this you should have clarity about what's going on.If it was me I would ask what his intentions are and possibly explain that you are not looking for his pity or friendship and that you want to know that taking things slow is going to have to have an eventual purpose.In your situation I think communication is key and you will need to ask him what his intentions are.At least you will find out one way or another what's happening.If you're ready to go again just tell him that and if not tell him that.He should be the one who honours you're needs after all.Jmo. Edited July 16, 2010 by Maverick1983
Ilovecake Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 my ex offered that, a friendship as a peace offering because he hurt me In other words he feels sorry for you. Anything besides exactly what YOU want from the relationship is crumbs. If YOU don't want friendship and he offers you that it's crumbs, if YOU want to be back in a loving relationship and he's offering you pity it’s crumbs. If he is not meeting YOUR needs exactly it's crumbs as far as you're concerned. YOU have to start thinking about YOUR needs not his. Go out with the guy you like, one date won't hurt. You're single now you can do what you want. There is nothing you can do at this point to influence your ex's decision so stop worrying about what he wants and thinks because if you read your post you will see it’s all about your ex’s needs and you’re just on the sidelines waiting for him to make up his mind. Why would you consider his feelings over your own?
GrayClouds Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 If the dumper breaks NC, appears to catch up, never says he/she wants you back right away, that they want to get to know you again, and go slow. What did a morphism take place, he's now think he left a slug form whom he now is hoping turned into a butterfly? All the reasons he gave you the old heave-ho are now gone. What he is saying is he is wanting no you but a new girl, hoping you have turn into the new girl because he has had no luck in meeting some else. That time has passed, all those better options that looks like a sure thing is not has him nervous that maybe he is not the stud he though he was. While he is not quite ready to admit he has to "settle for you" he is seen the advantage of keeping you on the hook just in case something better. So the question to as your self do you want to be with someone who loves and cherish you or this guy who sees you as not quite good enough but better then nothing? I won't bother you anymore with this... It's my last try with the topic. One of your thread has 58 responses another had 177. It appears your being ignored is inaccurate perspective. Once thing that may help you with all of this is not seeing yourself move beyond the poor me pity party. It may be one of the things that is making NC such a challenge for you and your desire to want closer. We are all challenge with it but understanding the more your realize all of this is in your hands. He may have done the breaking up but everything after that was and is in your control. The greater you can embrace that point the easier it is to move one. Go NC, stay NC, make your own closure by focusing becoming a better you, one who can see the difference between someone loving you and guys like him. Good luck. .
Author lullaby Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Oh right now I get it.Well IMO opinion because you were the one who was hurt in all this you should have clarity about what's going on.If it was me I would ask what his intentions are and possibly explain that you are not looking for his pity or friendship and that you want to know that taking things slow is going to have to have an eventual purpose.In your situation I think communication is key and you will need to ask him what his intentions are.At least you will find out one way or another what's happening.If you're ready to go again just tell him that and if not tell him that.He should be the one who honours you're needs after all.Jmo. Yeah, well, I'm still thinking what is that I want to do, because in the end, whether I contact him or not, if he wants me back, he should make a move and fight for it. I don't think I will contact him any time soon, I will do it if I'm 100% sure about it. Sounds like a better option. In other words he feels sorry for you. Anything besides exactly what YOU want from the relationship is crumbs. If YOU don't want friendship and he offers you that it's crumbs, if YOU want to be back in a loving relationship and he's offering you pity it’s crumbs. If he is not meeting YOUR needs exactly it's crumbs as far as you're concerned. YOU have to start thinking about YOUR needs not his. Go out with the guy you like, one date won't hurt. You're single now you can do what you want. There is nothing you can do at this point to influence your ex's decision so stop worrying about what he wants and thinks because if you read your post you will see it’s all about your ex’s needs and you’re just on the sidelines waiting for him to make up his mind. Why would you consider his feelings over your own? I don't think he feels sorry for me but I get your point. I guess one has that tendency to put other feelings first and not your own. It's true that if he offers what I don't want, I can't settle for that because it's a never-ending cycle that will finish when one of the involved finds someone else or gets fed up. That's what happened to me and since I was not settling for what he had to offer, he hasn't contacted yet, he knows what I need and is not willing to provide it. What did a morphism take place, he's now think he left a slug form whom he now is hoping turned into a butterfly? All the reasons he gave you the old heave-ho are now gone. What he is saying is he is wanting no you but a new girl, hoping you have turn into the new girl because he has had no luck in meeting some else. That time has passed, all those better options that looks like a sure thing is not has him nervous that maybe he is not the stud he though he was. While he is not quite ready to admit he has to "settle for you" he is seen the advantage of keeping you on the hook just in case something better. So the question to as your self do you want to be with someone who loves and cherish you or this guy who sees you as not quite good enough but better then nothing? One of your thread has 58 responses another had 177. It appears your being ignored is inaccurate perspective. Once thing that may help you with all of this is not seeing yourself move beyond the poor me pity party. It may be one of the things that is making NC such a challenge for you and your desire to want closer. We are all challenge with it but understanding the more your realize all of this is in your hands. He may have done the breaking up but everything after that was and is in your control. The greater you can embrace that point the easier it is to move one. Go NC, stay NC, make your own closure by focusing becoming a better you, one who can see the difference between someone loving you and guys like him. Good luck. . Yes, I didn't mean I was ignored, it's just that I had posted something similar to this and was in need of some piece of advice. It was a weird moment and didn't even know how to express myself. Good point on the bold part though and it's so true. Even if the dumpee thinks he/she has no power left, the actions and decisions we make depend on what we're willing to face after the break up. I chose to pick up the phone when he called, or open the door when he came, right? Thanks a lot to all. It was a good day actually. As a sort of sign, I had lunch for the first time with this guy at work. LOL! We were not alone though which was even better, otherwise it would have been too obvious He told me her ex left him a couple of months ago, he lives alone, and we have many things in common. In fact, one of the girls said "you should be together, you look so cute and share the same experiences". It was so funny and nice to be distracted, to laugh and spend such a good time. Well, just wanted to share that with you. How are you all doing?
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