Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 xMM and I are in contact by phone. An unfortunate telephone incident (phone in bag not on keylock) led to initial tentative texting. Has been a few days. I'm not sure what I think or what I'm doing but I'm watching carefully because this is different, knowing what I know now... It's all different (and yet SO MUCH THE SAME!!!). I've been through it all at counselling and some ideas and theories are forming but for now I'm so immensely busy with work and sorting the house for a party next weekend that I'm not really planning to DO anything. Just spectating for now, it feels. I strongly suspect that NC (because it never really 'ended') wasn't for me and didn't suit my nature.. This is most likely my ending. But I'm quick enough to run to you guys for much-needed support and encouragement that it seemed wrong not to 'fess up when I mess up.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh, wow! I don't know what to say! Just be very, very careful, and guard your heart. I have to ask - has he given you any indication that his status might change? Was it hard for you to talk to him? Do you think it hurt? Or helped you? (I started out NC with my xbf, and still don't talk to him by phone or text message, but do read his e-mails, and replied once. For me it just reinforces that he is a player.) Good luck!
BB07 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Be careful SG........take care of yourself and your heart. Hugs
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Hi FoG. Thank you so much for your reply. It was very emotional, to speak again, but it's as though nothing's happened in many ways. I am not sure how I feel about that. I DID want my answers though. I knew I did, I knew from posts I'd read/written on here and thoughts I'd had. I have probably asked more questions in the last week than I ever did in total. That sort of processing, information flow, that has helped, definitely. I work best with confrontation or facing things however hard. At the same time it is harder because nothing has changed about how we feel or interact. And No. He has not said anything about his status changing. He wishes (oh so hard and often it seems ) that things were different. He is, however, having much more lucid and constructive thoughts on his situation. That's my take from what he's saying, not an opinion he's proffered himself. I get the impression he is being (more?) honest with himself now, about his relationship, whereas he wasn't before. It's hard to offer examples but some things are: He DOES resent his W for her affair that never appears to end (she almost cancelled attending a group engagement because her 'friend' was unwell and could not go) He DOES believe that she chooses to look away in order that she can continue her routines in her own way He can justify his EMR because of her/their behaviour (except he can't, deep down, it's just what he tells himself at a superficial level) He openly admits they cannot spend any material amount of time together without it being unbearable (he used to call it having 'healthy time apart') He admits he will cheat on her again, if he stays with her, he realises he will not be able to last the rest of his life without sex/affection (I think there's a lot more to it than that, he has really low esteem, she says she doesn't need to have children, she has her child - him!) He has stopped calling certain (possibly negative) things 'just our [their] way' and now talks about them more candidly, like the 'good-natured' mock-bickering that actually veils (thinly) huge resentments, irritation and disrespect it seems He feels guilty because when he told her he was leaving she reminded him that she returned to him after moving out and he accepted a set of circumstances, and those circumstances have not changed, and she considers him to be abandoning her (she can't afford the house on just her wage) There's all sorts of other stuff, always is in these situations. I feel terribly sorry for him, and something I need to do is turn the empathy button down a little. I need to remember it's a CHOICE. To stay is his CHOICE. But I was trapped for so long that I find it hard to be black and white about it. All and sundry could see I SHOULD leave my previous relationship, but I twisted things and denied things and highlighted some things and ignored others, and I stayed. I thought, back then, I was doing The Right Thing. As does MM, now. There is just so much at play here, it's hard to fit it in to a post on a forum. There's how much of it is because I did not feel I had a say in the ending and this is me attempting to regain some control over what happens in my life. How much of it is due to the vast emptiness and sadness I may be too weak to deal with. How much is because I like him very much as a person and hate seeing him in such pain with no one, literally no one, to talk to. So, in terms of what happens now, I have a tendency to react quickly, and emotionally, so I am getting on with everything else and just waiting for my thoughts to do their 'thang' in the back of my head. Either way, I feel as though I will move on from this - this whatever it is, stage? phase? - a lot more balanced than last time around. I don't think about seeing him, meeting, going away together, being together. He's just 'there' at the moment. I do love him, very much, so that automatically means danger but I don't feel urgency, impatience, frustration that I had with him in the past. I've made some good progress at work, in myself, at home, I do NOT want to watch all that go because my head is in MM-land while my body is at my desk, or whatever. I haven't ruled out things moving on, for he and I, but I haven't actively thought about it either. And I know I won't be able to have this current dynamic on a long-term basis. I'm not wired that way.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Be careful SG........take care of yourself and your heart. Hugs Thank you... very much! I will.
Fight4Me Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Repeat after me, "I am not a salmon. I am not a salmon."
silktricks Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 First, take good care of yourself. Second - this line jumped out at me - "He feels guilty because when he told her he was leaving she reminded him that she returned to him after moving out and he accepted a set of circumstances, and those circumstances have not changed, and she considers him to be abandoning her (she can't afford the house on just her wage)" Please tell him: accepting a set of circumstances at one point does not mean that the circumstances will be acceptable for the rest of your life. Times change and so do our attitudes. He accepted a situation. He now realizes he no longer wishes to do so. It's time for him to accept his own inability to continue in the "accepted set of circumstances". Anyway, I hope the best for you. Take care.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Repeat after me, "I am not a salmon. I am not a salmon." I just let rip the most enormous cackle!!! Glad I'm working at home today! But you know, you're right. I'll go back and read that thread in the next day or so. Thank you!!!
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 First, take good care of yourself. Second - this line jumped out at me - "He feels guilty because when he told her he was leaving she reminded him that she returned to him after moving out and he accepted a set of circumstances, and those circumstances have not changed, and she considers him to be abandoning her (she can't afford the house on just her wage)" Please tell him: accepting a set of circumstances at one point does not mean that the circumstances will be acceptable for the rest of your life. Times change and so do our attitudes. He accepted a situation. He now realizes he no longer wishes to do so. It's time for him to accept his own inability to continue in the "accepted set of circumstances". Anyway, I hope the best for you. Take care. You're so right Silk, you really are. His wife changed her mind about what she wanted/needed, then changed it back again (except didn't really...) so it's the renegotiation I remember FA mentioning. And thank you.
Hazyhead Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 That's a complicated situation, SG. It seems like they have so many issues and whilst they don't deal with them correctly, you hang by a string. Be careful and keep posting - whatever happens, we're all here. Do not accept less than you want, hon, especially when there is no indication of what you want happening. Tread carefully.
Mimolicious Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 You should tell your cellphone "you're fired!". LOL! Good luck and don't fall for the shenanigans.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 That's a complicated situation, SG. It seems like they have so many issues and whilst they don't deal with them correctly, you hang by a string. Be careful and keep posting - whatever happens, we're all here. Do not accept less than you want, hon, especially when there is no indication of what you want happening. Tread carefully. Aw thanks for your kindness HH. As is often the way others may see something in my posts I'm not aware of... BUT I feel incredibly committed to this 'journey' (cringe-y word!!) I'm on. I feel I am well-placed to really tidy my whole life up, so to speak, and I don't want to lose sight of that. I must have that as my priority. I want MM and I to have a real (exclusive) future, but I also want to be a happy, centred, fulfilled person and being his OW will not allow me to achieve that. It's not an excuse, my not reacting or concluding anything right now, in fact, it feels like the biggest test ever.... to have his affection and love and attention, but to fix my eyes firmly ahead on my future and consider what I need. I do tend to feast/famine my relationships and cold turkey was just like starting a diet on Monday and feeling fit to swap your Granny for a KFC by Friday
fooled once Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Oh Sillygirl I felt you had come so far. I see you headed right back to where you were. You feel sorry for him for his alleged life he leads with that mean old wife who makes him stay. He stays because he wants to. It IS a choice. Please stop talking to him; you are embarking on an EA now...
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Hi FO, I realised I MAY be going backwards when I said to my counsellor I 'didn't feel able' to just slam the door shut in his face. I could have slapped myself round the chops, I was furious!!! That refusal or alleged inability to be accountable... well let's just say it reminds me of someone else! I have listened to what you posted, FO. Thank you.
fooled once Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I hope you know I care about you and just don't want to see you hurt any more. ((hugs))
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 I hope you know I care about you and just don't want to see you hurt any more. ((hugs)) I've managed to injure myself and have had a couple of reasonably crappy nights. Was so nice to read that at 4 in the morning. Thank you
jj33 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hope you are feeling better today Silly and feeling stronger where MM is concerned. Be very very careful. Just as you are processing the situation, he is doing the same thing. While it is still so fresh, the idea of total NC can be very uncomfortable and being able to share the "processing" can be comforting. But it also keeps hope alive in your heart and keeps you stuck. He needs to process this in his own way in his own time. What he will conclude in the end is anybody's guess. He may leave he may stay. His W may end the marriage. Who knows. The thing is as someone said YOUR life hangs in the balance. Yes you love him but do you REALLY want to waste precious minutes hours days weeks or who knows how long putting your life on hold while he goes through the process? He knows where you are. He knows you love him. He knows all the variables. The best thing you can do for you is to go back to NC. Take good care jj
Fight4Me Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 As I think you know, I'm a fBS, but that still doesn't stop me from sincerely caring about what happens to you. We all may be strangers here, but when I see someone who really can do better and deserves better, I just don't really care whether it's a BS, WS, or AP... I just want good things for them. This definitely includes you, SG.
silverplanets Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hi SG, I'm not sure if this will really work, but I am going to try it and see ... Diagram: SG <---relationship---> MM ................................WIFE This is kind of how it looks to me ... MM was happy to have a relationship with you ... BUT he had a boundry .. he wasn't really planning to get divorced ... (the reasons for the boundary are not relevant .. it is the existence of the boundary that is the point) ... (even if he knew the boundary existed is not relevant .. it's just its existence that we need to acknowledge) Whilst your relationship with him didn't threaten the boundary ... all was "ok" ... SO ... looking back to your original post he was able to put a deposit down, look at flats etc ... because none of this activity actually threatened his boundary .. he could do it all without saying "I want a divorce" to his wife. Then it came to a point where the next step would require him to leave ... and he hit his boundary ... and moved no further towards you. This conflicted with one of your boundaries (that you wanted a full time relationship) and you pulled away to protect your boundary (and posted here on LS). NOW .. you're back in contact and from what you've said .. HIS boundary is still the same ... the words and reasons he says are excellent, may be true .. whatever ... but the only real fact is that his boundary is still there. SO .. if you're in contact with him and, for want of a better word, "negotiating " any future .. who is bringing the compromise to the table ... not him if his boundary is still there. Which only leaves you ... And that would be my concern ... Any negotiation between two parties requires two main things: a) a recognition from them both that a certain end result will benefit them both b) a clear individual understanding of their own position .. what they won't negotiate on and what they willl .... or the flexibility of their own position/boundaries if you like Negotiating is then about trading "concessions" /flexing boundaries in order to get to a position where can achieve the end result and each parties concessions/flexings are acceptable to themselves. In this case the end result, as I understand it, from you is a full and exclusive relationship between you two. I am concerned that his "end result" may not be the same .... However, if we assume it is the same, then in terms of boundaries for negotiation then what he seems to be saying is that divorcing his wife is not on the table ... So if he's not willing to negotiate on that then the only way you will move you guys forwards is if YOU flex on your aim and position .... This leaves you invested in a negotiation with someone who is not willing to negotiate ... so you can't win ... you can come at it from all the angles under the sun .. but if he is not willing to actively D then the only one who will be able to compromise is you. And these are my alarm bells ... Already your tone is now more understanding of him. ... giving credence to his reasons etc ... so the diagram we seem to have right now is: SG moving towards ---> MM . ...............................WIFE ie .. he's not moving towards you ... you are actually softening your boundaries and moving towards him. And in the diagram you will notice that him and his wife remain exactly with the same relationship as always .... IT'S NOT CHANGING. Maybe I'm wrong in this ... and I'm not criticising in any way .. just I went back and read your orignal post and then compared that to the current softening and was struck by the fact that he's not the one softening his position ... you are. Not sure if this helps ... or even makes sense ... but hopefully it's some kind of use ... Be safe and remember just cause you contact them .. doesn't take away your right to get up the next day and keep on walking away ... Chris
BB07 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Really great post Chris....and it's so true, SG. Pay attention. Nothing has really changed, you are just fooling yourself a little bit.....back away, close your heart, protect it and treat it and yourself with the respect it deserves. Don't prolong your misery by pretending that it's different now, it's still very much the same.... get busy with your healing. Leave it alone....until you have concrete proof that something is different. preferably a piece of paper that has DIVORCE across the top in HUGE letters. Over and over again and through so many threads here......we have proof that most of these men are cowards, cowards in that they don't have enough guts to address the real problems in their marriage, so they look for an outside interest, then they get all torn and confused, but they are too cowardly to walk away without a safety net. Even with the safety net.....they are still cowards, they can't walk, too many excuses. And.....we women and men who get involved with these AP's have to ask ourselves what is cowardly within us they we allow ourselves to get into a almost impossible to win situation. Cowards.....Cowards........everywhere. Hugs.......
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 I've been out for a drink or six with a friend who's had a really tough week and am off to bed. I'll reply tomorrow but just wanted to post my gratitude for how gentle the posts have been so far. I'm ashamed to say I expected a lot of stick and am so pleasantly surprised. Fanx!!!!!!!
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 Hi SG, I'm not sure if this will really work, but I am going to try it and see ... Diagram: SG <---relationship---> MM ................................WIFE This is kind of how it looks to me ... MM was happy to have a relationship with you ... BUT he had a boundry .. he wasn't really planning to get divorced ... (the reasons for the boundary are not relevant .. it is the existence of the boundary that is the point) ... (even if he knew the boundary existed is not relevant .. it's just its existence that we need to acknowledge) Whilst your relationship with him didn't threaten the boundary ... all was "ok" ... SO ... looking back to your original post he was able to put a deposit down, look at flats etc ... because none of this activity actually threatened his boundary .. he could do it all without saying "I want a divorce" to his wife. He told her he was leaving, she begged him not to desert her like this. He moved out. He moved back. He kept the place on for 2 months, then gave it up. Then it came to a point where the next step would require him to leave ... and he hit his boundary ... and moved no further towards you. This conflicted with one of your boundaries (that you wanted a full time relationship) and you pulled away to protect your boundary (and posted here on LS). NOW .. you're back in contact and from what you've said .. HIS boundary is still the same ... the words and reasons he says are excellent, may be true .. whatever ... but the only real fact is that his boundary is still there. SO .. if you're in contact with him and, for want of a better word, "negotiating " any future .. who is bringing the compromise to the table ... not him if his boundary is still there. I'm not negotiating anything right now, perhaps I should be trying to, if I'm in contact with him, it's what I would expect from the situation, but I'm not. Which only leaves you ... And that would be my concern ... Any negotiation between two parties requires two main things: a) a recognition from them both that a certain end result will benefit them both b) a clear individual understanding of their own position .. what they won't negotiate on and what they willl .... or the flexibility of their own position/boundaries if you like Negotiating is then about trading "concessions" /flexing boundaries in order to get to a position where can achieve the end result and each parties concessions/flexings are acceptable to themselves. In this case the end result, as I understand it, from you is a full and exclusive relationship between you two. I am concerned that his "end result" may not be the same .... His 'end result' is to be with me, and not hurt his wife - although I believe it's more like: his 'end result' is to be with me, but not have to face any of the issues between them, or acknowledge the marriage should probably never have happened, or change his routines, or have to go through the whole divorce process/house sale etc and so on. However, if we assume it is the same, then in terms of boundaries for negotiation then what he seems to be saying is that divorcing his wife is not on the table ... Nothing fundamentally has changed, except his perspective on their relationship has changed - or what he chooses to show me in any case. He is very different in his chosen wording, and in his open acknowledgement of the situation. He was never like that before, or very, very rarely and only in person. He chose not to face some pretty major issues, like his wife's 'friend', for example. He would never mention him previously, and many other things. So if he's not willing to negotiate on that then the only way you will move you guys forwards is if YOU flex on your aim and position .... This leaves you invested in a negotiation with someone who is not willing to negotiate ... so you can't win ... you can come at it from all the angles under the sun .. but if he is not willing to actively D then the only one who will be able to compromise is you. And these are my alarm bells ... Already your tone is now more understanding of him. ... giving credence to his reasons etc ... so the diagram we seem to have right now is: My tone is not more understanding of him than last time around, my tone is more understanding of him compared to when we were NC. But you're right. SG moving towards ---> MM . ...............................WIFE ie .. he's not moving towards you ... you are actually softening your boundaries and moving towards him. I don't think I am. I see it the other way. From the contact we've had I definitely see it the other way. Not saying anything will come of it, and I'm not saying that I don't every day consider going NC; but I am more me and less MM's OW than 2 months ago, and he is attempting some reality about his marriage (not about he and I) whereas previously he had not. To be fair, the NC period probably helped that. And in the diagram you will notice that him and his wife remain exactly with the same relationship as always .... IT'S NOT CHANGING. Maybe I'm wrong in this ... and I'm not criticising in any way .. just I went back and read your orignal post and then compared that to the current softening and was struck by the fact that he's not the one softening his position ... you are. Not sure if this helps ... or even makes sense ... but hopefully it's some kind of use ... Be safe and remember just cause you contact them .. doesn't take away your right to get up the next day and keep on walking away ... Chris Thanks Chris. I am trying very hard to get to the bottom of this. I had a really long chat with my best friend yesterday. We've been friends for 18 years and she saw MM and I together many times, and has talked to him also about his situation. I feel as though she has quite a good take, from her position. The conversation helped. I guess there are two options. I choose NC or MM chooses divorce. I am finding it so difficult. Because I care for him. Because their relationship is so unhealthy. Because I didn't know it was possible to have an interaction with someone as powerful as I do with him. Because we miss each other so very much. I feel better within myself, I've broken some of the bad habits I had developed through our relationship. I feel much more back on track. I feel like I did when we met. The latter third of our relationship was not so much 'fun' as it had been prior. It had all the expected emotion and tension etc. That's gone. Previously we were enjoying making plans together, that's not happening now. We have agreed that we actually don't need to discuss 'us' per se. We both know how we feel. The only thing that needs to be worked out (and that's not for me, that for MM and his wife) is whether their relationship has run its course. And this is where the dynamic of their relationship kicks in and the cycles they have been on for the past 4-5 years of push/pull; they lived apart for a year but remained friends and he was her support when her new relationship broke down etc. For years she has been unhappy and has regularly talked of splitting up, and as they are both conflict avoiders these times were deeply unhappy for them both. However, this year she has appeared to accept that they will remain as they are, for ever. And this is the year that MM has first considered that he does not have to merely accept the terms being offered to him and that he also has a say and has rights within the relationship. Their problems go right back to the beginning and start with the no sex part of the relationship. He invested less than he should have, because of this, she picked up on it and criticised him for this negligence (still does); he accepts blame for this and believes he is a terrible husband but if he raised the sex issue she is mortified and offended and says it undermines their marriage if that is ALL he wants her for. Which isn't at all true but their marriage lacks intimacy because of that, not just physically (although she told him not to try to hold her hand in public). They don't share feelings and have very little interest in one another or one another's lives. They carry out their roles well, within the household, but it ends there. It all comes back to the cowardice doesn't it? I think they are both being cowardly. I think she hides in her friendship, and a hobby she has that keeps her out of the house a lot. He hides (or did) in his relationship with me, and a hobby that keeps him out of the house a lot. They have each, at different times, decided better the devil you know and stuck with it. Because they don't row (MM's parents do so very much) he calls it a 'harmonious' marriage, calm and pleasant. He also once said to me after a few glasses of wine 'but who do you know, really, who's ACTUALLY happy in their marriage? We're all unhappy, just to a greater or lesser degree, maybe I'm just better off seeing out my days quietly and doing the things I do knowing I'll always have a home to come back to and that there's SOMEONE there, I could take a risk and end up with nothing and no one'. I'd forgotten he'd said that actually, until typing this, and it probably is more significant than almost anything else he ever said to me. Anyway, in terms of ME I have the plan to do/change nothing for 7 days. I have a party at home to prepare for, lots of work to do, some furniture restoration I want to do, my son breaks up from school so we'll want to do things in the evening. If I am struggling to come to a decision I risk making the wrong one. I am capable of tying myself up in knots when it comes to affairs of the heart (interesting term) and the only person who loses out is me. My thoughts will be more constructive if I don't feel under time pressure, I know that about myself. I will have to decide though, it's not about bumbling on for ever. I know I have to make a decision about my life. Not about me and MM or MM and his wife, but make a choice for me. And not just where MM is concerned, I have other stuff going on too, quite big stuff (that this time around I am NOT discussing with MM), so Operation Clean-Up continues for me. I'm as committed to that as I was when I started counselling and started looking at various other aspects of my life all those weeks ago.
silverplanets Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 .... Because they don't row (MM's parents do so very much) he calls it a 'harmonious' marriage, calm and pleasant. He also once said to me after a few glasses of wine 'but who do you know, really, who's ACTUALLY happy in their marriage? We're all unhappy, just to a greater or lesser degree, maybe I'm just better off seeing out my days quietly and doing the things I do knowing I'll always have a home to come back to and that there's SOMEONE there, I could take a risk and end up with nothing and no one'. I'd forgotten he'd said that actually, until typing this, and it probably is more significant than almost anything else he ever said to me. ... Hi SG, Glad you're feeling better and sounds like the chat with a freind helped. Just had to comment on what he said ... this reminded me so much of something xMW said ... and maybe it's one of those rare "window on the mind things" ... In her case it was one of the rare truthful things she said in terms of reflecting what her position really was. I wonder how MM's words in this case relate to his wife forcing him to come back/stay ... ???? Anyway, mostly just pleased you're getting on with your stuff ... Chris
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Hi SG, Glad you're feeling better and sounds like the chat with a freind helped. Just had to comment on what he said ... this reminded me so much of something xMW said ... and maybe it's one of those rare "window on the mind things" ... In her case it was one of the rare truthful things she said in terms of reflecting what her position really was. I wonder how MM's words in this case relate to his wife forcing him to come back/stay ... ???? Anyway, mostly just pleased you're getting on with your stuff ... Chris Thank you! MM and I have spoken for hours and hours and hours since being back in touch. I feel better for having contact. I think MOTF mentioned the whole 'not being permitted' aspect of NC and it genuinely, I think, made the whole situation bigger for me. I no longer feel the intense yearning, or the loss. However, maybe I've just got that to come. Again. There's a timer ticking in my head, he has limited time, of that I'm sure. Just wish I knew how long we have before it pings. Because when it does, there'll be no going back, for me. I will most likely still love him, but all the 'other stuff' that collectively matters just as much, will take its toll on me and my ability to enjoy the love I feel for him. MM is trying to talk more about his issues. He's raising things and talking about them, NOT asking for advice necessarily, (and certainly not sympathy) but talking. He's acknowledging issues he has with his marriage. He's considering MC - when I say considering it, I don't mean considering attending, I mean he's trying to work out why neither of them are prepared to attend and what they may be missing out on by not going. He's projecting forward his marriage 5, 10, 30 years, and conversely remembering more of who he was 20, 15, 10 years ago and how different he is now. He is absolutely and utterly unmoving on certain things, things I have attempted to contest, the main one being that he feels much happier on his own or with many other people than he does when he's with his wife. He is not nasty about her, and is impressed by some of her achievements and her qualities, and is adamant she is a good person, but apparently there is such a tension for him/them, he has to watch what he says (ought not swear, or be too jokey - her humour is 'refined', he also says that not all of his inhibitions are her, he realises now that he chooses not to show other sides of him); overall he is happier playing golf, or at work, or alone, than with his wife. His language is different now. He uses words like cheat, lie, disrespect, coward, wife, husband, marriage far more often. He laments that he appears unable to take 'action'. But we agreed that he does take action. Every time he calls me, he makes a choice to cheat on his wife. When he goes for a walk, and telephones or texts me, he chooses to be a liar and disrespect his wife, someone he professes to care about. He had been telling himself he 'couldn't help' what he was doing. Where we're at is that he accepts he has, for many years now, taken the easy route (least confrontation) but he's aware that he can't carry on. He says he can't live without sex, and doesn't want to live without what he calls 'a whole' relationship, rather than one where some aspects of him are hidden/disapproved of. He says he thinks more now than ever before about what the hell he has done/is doing in choosing to stay. It makes absolutely no sense to him. I get the impression he's getting slightly bored of his own thoughts. Previously, not that I realised, he was running TO me and hadn't faced up to his home life. Whereas now, he absolutely is NOT running to me, in any way. But he IS working through a lot of everything else. Where does it leave me? Not sure. I feel happier being true to myself, being myself. I still enjoy all time we spend and interaction we have. I am still focused on work, and friends, and whatever. I have absolutely no intention of seeing him. This weekend is a bit of a big deal, I have a joint birthday party/barbecue with my friend, at my house. MM was to attend, but as my boyfriend. He has mentioned the party, that it has been on his mind a lot. But he's not invited at all, not now, and I find that quite tough (probably seems a bit silly to someone else). Yes, yes, yes, I'll admit I still wish so hard that he and I would be together. But I don't imagine it, plan for it, I don't read things in to what he says. He says, for example, 'I think all the time about how I messed it up, what a weak coward I am, how wrong it is on all three of us to carry on like this'. I say... well I say nothing really. Sometimes I ignore it. Sometimes I mock him for being a big eejit for . Sometimes I am flippant and say 'yes well, you did, so there's no point going on about it', or something similar. But my little heart doesn't break for him, far from it.
pureinheart Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Repeat after me, "I am not a salmon. I am not a salmon." I just let rip the most enormous cackle!!! Glad I'm working at home today! But you know, you're right. I'll go back and read that thread in the next day or so. Thank you!!! I cracked up too:lmao:...and F4M, your avatar is really cute...
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