mjv1986 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 A few weeks ago, out the blue my fiance broke up with me saying she "needs space". She has also said a few other reasons like we don't have enough sex. This is a problem I thought we could either solve on our own or possibly go to a relationship counsellor to help. However she seems decided that she needs space. We had been going out 2 years before I proposed in Jan 2009 so we had been engaged for 1.5 years. An added complication was we lived together (so for now I am at my parents) and she texts/rings me to ask questions about the house (ie what we are going to do etc), so its extremely hard to "give her space" My (ex) fiance said that she needs a few months space and then we could go to a relationship counsellor if she wants to get back with me. SHe says she still loves me, but she isn't sure in what way and thinks the "spark" has gone out of our relationship. However all her actions since the "break (-up)" have suggested she is going to live her life and there is no-way back ie she had found a shared house to live in, and she also was very keen to let everyone know we had broke up straight away and the "engaged to" status on facebook was changed to single the next day! The contacts I have had with her, she seems to be talking to me as if everything is normally, but she did says she misses me, but thinks her decision is the correct one? My head is really like a rollercoaster as some days I think there is "hope" we could get back together, and then other days I think its definately over! My question really is do you think this is over and she had just given me "hope" by saying give it a few months, or is there really a chance we could get back?
cleveraccountname Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Ultimately, in my opinnion, there is only one way to handle this: Make yourself unavailable. Do everything possible to distance yourself from her (without obnoxiously ignoring her, it sounds like you're not on bad terms so being hostile might fuel the fire) The point is, if she thinks that you're waiting around for her to call, and there's nothing she could do that would make you uninterested in her, then she's never going to come back. I think perhaps she wants some excitement in her life, wants to have some uncomplicated fun and by calling it 'a break', she has the option of coming back to you if her new exciting life doesn't work out. Don't let her take advantage of you, you have to move on with your life as though you don't need the relationship and you know you could easily find someone else to make you happy. Start doing things for YOU, have fun, date and live your life, and this strategy will result in one of two outcomes: She'll realise how independent, collected and mature you are, and that you don't really need her, and she'll be knocking down your door for a second chance. If this happens, your head will be clear enough to think logically about whether or not you really do want her back. OR She'll go down the path of fun and excitement, or whatever it is she's looking for, and she won't come back. If this happens, you'll have moved on enough, be strong and independent enough to deal with it. My 2 cents. Good luck buddy!
whatadeer26 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I know it is going to be hard, but you need to give her the space she desires. If you keep constant contact with her it will only ease her way out of the relationship with you. It does sound counter-productive, but she will not miss you if she doesn't get the space she wants. My suggestion would be to tell her explicitly, You want space, I respect that and I think it would be best if we do not talk for a while. She has to miss you to want you back. If you talk to her like normal, it will give you hope, but at the same time make it easier for her to let go.
Maverick1983 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Hey.I think it's very common for the spark to go in most relationships.All that's required to fix it is hard work and extra effort from both parties.I think you should give her space and use this time to get your head straight too.I say that because it's also important that you discover what you can do better while she does the same.I wouldn't worry too much about the facebook status and stuff like that as it was probably a reaction to a certain state of mind she was in.When time passes on she will see you and you're relationship together in a different light and she will base her feelings on how she would feel without you in her life.But give her her space and let her decide and let yourself decide.Sometimes when a woman asks for space that's exactly what she wants.Best of luck.
Hawaiian808 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Same here, I have the same problem except that she was only a friend. whatadeer26 you need to give her the space she desires. The girl I'm in love with needs space too, it gets hard myself to get over it but, I'm never going to give up. Ever.
seibert253 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 In alot of instances "I need a break" = There is, or I'm interesting in seeing someone else. There's one of two possibilities: 1. Your girl is seeing or is interested in someone else, and wants you to "hang around" and "wait for her" while she gives the other guy a test drive, or 2. She's actually getting cold feet and jitters about spending the rest of her life with you. How has your relationship changed within the last few months or weeks. Has she become distant and withdrawn? Does she disappear or has periods of time that's unaccounted for? Has her "routine" changed? Is she spending more time "going out with friends"? You need to do some digging my friend to see if you're facing a battle with an OM or a battle with a girl whose just confused. These problems require different approaches in an attempt to resolve them.
Hawaiian808 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 For myself, it's option #1 but, it doesn't matter to me. I'm never going to give up. Maybe if the person your in love with and its what you really want..I'd still go for it.. I mean really just be patient..time comes around you'll get a chance as they see you were worth it. Your girl would regret a feeling that she should've chosen you in the first place lols. Let them learn by their mistakes.
Ilovecake Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It's definitely over. She probably misses you and loves you but not in the way you miss her and love her. She's not happy being in relationship with you unfortunately you can’t change that. It’s very difficult to make big life plans and then have to change them because they’re not working out the way you want them to. It will take her a little while to disconnect completely and it sounds like she’s on her way to doing that already. But as far as you’re concerned she’s not coming back. She’s probably relieved not to be in a situation that makes her unhappy but misses you because she’s used to you being there every day. Her calls and texts are out of habit not love.
Author mjv1986 Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Just an update on the situation. Sorry for not replying sooner!! The house is all sorted so the only tie we have is the joint account, which will be closed once we have all the refunds/deposits etc back. It has been a rollercoaster ride over the past 2 months but I feel better than when I wrote this first. To help myself I went out and: Bought some new clothes Got a slightly different haircut Keeping fit by running Going out with my friends as much as I can And most importantly, I actually passed my final accountancy exam which I am particularly proud of as I had to take it 2 weeks after writing this, when really I was in no state of mind to be doing it really. Regarding the ex, we have met up a few times and one in particular when she asked me to come round to discuss the house, and we ended up going to her nan's house (don't ask!) and the pub!! I know this was not a good idea, but she let out what had been going on since the break up to this meeting (middle of august) in her life and that she had slept with one of her friends..................which actually made me feel pity on her that she couldn't actually find any1 else?!? Anyway she came clean on this situatuion and even said it was a "rebound" relationship. I should have cut this short, but it was so good talking together that this went on about 3 hours, and I felt neither of us wanted to leave! SHe said when we went "just give me time" which kinda got my hopes up as well as her saying "if she could turn the clock back 2 months she would" The only contact since was discussing who was meeting the landlord to hand over keys and last night (at 1am) she text me with a few bits of info regarding her moving into a new house, its her nieces bday at weekend and "when are we getting the deposit back?" I suspect this text was just about getting the money back, but when I saw it in the morning, my heart was pounding, though I'm not sure why....strange feeling! This was probably why I thought to write an update on here! Anyway, my mind set is that she will not come back to me, but if there is any chance, I just have to give her space, for both her sake and mine! I do feel alone at times and wish I had that someone there to just go to the seaside or the cinema with, but unfortunately I have to come to terms with doing stuff on my own now, or at least not with that "special" person! Edited September 7, 2010 by mjv1986
OndaChin Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 MJV1986, You sound like you got a firm grasp on the situation. I know its difficult. I had an EX give me that B.S.-> "Need time to myself" (yeah, right). What she meant was... I need time to get things going with the new guy BEFORE I DUMP YOUR ASS~ Love Stinks.... (like that song of the same name) Trust your gut and get over her. Chances are when youve moved on, she'll have HER DUMPING from some other guy- then want to come back to you to "save her" from herself. Ohh Please!! When and "if" that happens, I hope you do the right thing and ignore her (for the B.S. she's pulled on you).
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