Ilovehim Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about this so thought I'd ask you guys. As embarrased as I am to type this--here it goes. Please excuse me if this is a little long. I am in an amazing relationships and really care about my boyfriend extremely. Before I met him, I had guy friends and I always had guys in my life who were attracted to me and who liked me etc etc. However, ever since I dated my boyfriend I completely cut all these guys out of my life because I respect my boyfriend and honestly they were there just to boost my confidence. I respect him so much that I completely ignore every guy that tries to talk to me for him. that somehow even when men try to hit on me on the streets, I completely ignore them,(I always did but even more now), I never make eye-contact with any guys and to cut it short, the ONLY man in my life is my boyfriend--I have no guy friends, nothing. No other guy exists. HOWEVER, APPARENTLY-my boyfriend told me that he gets happy when he sees other guys checking me out or when other guys tell me they like me. He told me this and it pissed me off as why would he think that way? I go to great lengths to avoid guys attention and he tells me he "loves" when other guys look at me or tell me they want to be with me?? And when we are walking together he points that out to me "Those guys are looking at you". I feel so annoyed by this. I asked him "why?" He says "because you are sexy & beautiful and I get a kick out of it because you're mine." I go to great lengths to respect him and he says something like that, it makes me feel almost like I should be doing the opposite so he can feel "proud", like I need other men to want me so he can want me the more. My ex'es would get sooo jealous when other guys would try to talk to me and I liked that. What do you guys think about this???
skydiveaddict Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Actually I would take those comments as sincere. Your bf knows you are hot and he feels good when other guys say the same. Take it as a compliment
Citizen Erased Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I don't think it's that uncommon. He's proud of how gorgeous his girlfriend is, guys checking you out makes him feel like it's acknowledging how lucky he is that you're his.
Pfiend101 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It's a compliment. I hope to find a girl like you one day.
sally4sara Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Because he feels that the way you look is somehow a credit to him. I didn't like this either when I've dealt with it. It made me feel like the only good quality the guy I was dating cared about was my looks and without the way I looked - he'd have nothing to be proud of.
flying Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I think the OP asks an interesting question, though - and I'd really like to hear some guys' answers to this as well. The point is, she cut out other guys from her life out of respect for her BF - but he's telling her, in effect, that having other guys around is a plus. So, what's a girl to do? Should she start hanging out with her guy friends again?? Was it unnecessary to cut them out in the first place?? And - is it in fact somehow detrimental to their relationship NOT to have other guys around, because he won't appreciate her to the same degree without other men's tacit approval?? (Sort of what sally4sara was saying.) I'm very curious about what the guys here will say about this.
threebyfate Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 So he's getting validation from other guys checking you out. What happens when guys stop checking you out?
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I think the OP asks an interesting question, though - and I'd really like to hear some guys' answers to this as well. The point is, she cut out other guys from her life out of respect for her BF - but he's telling her, in effect, that having other guys around is a plus. So, what's a girl to do? Should she start hanging out with her guy friends again?? Was it unnecessary to cut them out in the first place?? And - is it in fact somehow detrimental to their relationship NOT to have other guys around, because he won't appreciate her to the same degree without other men's tacit approval?? (Sort of what sally4sara was saying.) I'm very curious about what the guys here will say about this. It's a competitive reflex. It makes him feel as though he has out competed the other guys. I would not suggest getting a bunch of male friends. Just let this one go, because sometimes guys change this over time. In a few years he may not feel the same way.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 So he's getting validation from other guys checking you out. What happens when guys stop checking you out? ... like when she gets old and fat? I don't think we know for sure what's going on in his head. It may be something he said purely for her benefit... or something he actually feels.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It's an ego stroke for him, the same he would get if other guys were admiring his car or his house. If he goes too far with it, I can see how it would be worrisome. But it doesn't sound like this is the case. I am happy for my man when other women check him out or flirt with him -- as long as he maintains appropriate boundaries. I know he's gorgeous and amazing, and we all like to have our opinions confirmed with agreement. I don't think this is anything to worry about.
sally4sara Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 So he's getting validation from other guys checking you out. What happens when guys stop checking you out? Exactly; well spotted. That was the reasoning behind me dumping the guy I experienced this with. It was too far reaching into other aspects. Couldn't cut my hair in any manner that other guys might not find appealing. Too much expectation for me to dress in a manner other guys would find appealing. What a headache!
threebyfate Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Exactly; well spotted. That was the reasoning behind me dumping the guy I experienced this with. It was too far reaching into other aspects. Couldn't cut my hair in any manner that other guys might not find appealing. Too much expectation for me to dress in a manner other guys would find appealing. What a headache!This is when one partner views the other as somewhat of an object, an extension and reflection of self, rather than a separate human being. It's a red flag for me too.
homersheineken Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Yes and everybody does it. You don't think the guys you date have some social validation test that you put him through (will my friends like him? think he's cool?)? He's being socially objectified in the same sense.
threebyfate Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Yes and everybody does it. You don't think the guys you date have some social validation test that you put him through (will my friends like him? think he's cool?)? He's being socially objectified in the same sense.There are a couple reasons why it matters to me (perhaps not to other women) why potential partners get along with the majority of social network. It reduces drama and doesn't destroy your ability to socialize with your friends. I also trust and respect my close friends' judgements, taking their perceptions into consideration albeit not final say. This has nothing to do with objectifying him as an extension or reflection of me.
homersheineken Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 You can have all those other reasons and they are fine and good in fact. But I don't buy that you don't think that your BF is an extention or reflection of you and you don't look at your friends or family for social validation of who you're dating - everybody does and in that sense you're still objectifying him as being and extended part of you.
cabarc1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I think you should be happy about it. IMO it shows he feels secure in y'alls relationship. I had the opposite problem. God forbid a guy said i was beautiful or hit on me because it drove my ex insane! Anytime we were around other guys, i'd have to listen to him complain on the way home about how he could tell "someone" liked me or that "so and so" was flirting. His insecurity drove me crazy! I guessed he assumed that because i had a guy with me other guys were just going to lose interest. Yeah right haha! I went out with a friend last weekend that i know is interested in me. He got a kick out of watching the other guys check me out. It made him feel like "the man" cause he was with me. I thought it was hilarious because it made me think back to my ex and how ridiculous he would act when the same happened.
Author Ilovehim Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Thanks everyone for your replys. So this is what my boyfriend had to say. He said he meant that "since my other ex'es would argue with me non-stop if someone would text me telling they like me & they would get extremely jealous if other guys would try to talk to me" he said he just mean that "he doesnt get insecure when other guys try to talk to me, he just laughs at it and gets a kick out of it, cuz "doesnt matter who wants you, at the end of the day you're mine" However, the whole "i get a kick out of it when other guys try to talk to you or look at you" made me feel weird because I would wish my boyfriend was neutral to it. Of course I dont want him to argue over it and be insecure because that is not what Im looking for, but I definetely dont want him to "like it" either. He will say stuff like "Wow! You see those guys? They were starring at you and as soon as we passed them (I was walking with him) they all turned their heads to look at your butt." This type of things annoy me extremely. I don't want him to pay attention to this stuff. Bottom line is I want my boyfriend to think Im the sexiest girl and to love me no matter what anyone else says. I know everyone says I should take this as a compliment that he feels "proud" to be seen with me, but the fact that he checks other guys checking me out, makes me feel weird. I dont even notice these things as much because Im focused on him, I could care less whos around me, I dont even look at other guys. And about the whole part that "well does he see you as an object?" No, my boyfriend is great and he loves me very much so I know he would still care about me. I asked him if he would still want me if I was fat & ugly, he said "Of course but you will never be fat and ugly...then he said if i was fat, he would work me out (He's a trainer currently) LOL
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 He will say stuff like "Wow! You see those guys? They were starring at you and as soon as we passed them (I was walking with him) they all turned their heads to look at your butt." This type of things annoy me extremely. I don't want him to pay attention to this stuff. Bottom line is I want my boyfriend to think Im the sexiest girl and to love me no matter what anyone else says. I know everyone says I should take this as a compliment that he feels "proud" to be seen with me, but the fact that he checks other guys checking me out, makes me feel weird. I dont even notice these things as much because Im focused on him, I could care less whos around me, I dont even look at other guys. Men (most of them) check everything out. Women, the scenery, other men, bugs on the sidewalk. It's part of their evolutionary makeup, as protectors, to be hyper aware of their surroundings, in case of danger or weirdness. The most masculine guy I've ever been with was like a freaking hawk. He could see things far, far away before I even knew anything was there. The amount of detail he could pick up in a glance blew me away. When I was walking around with him, I was in such a swoony haze of fun and love that I hardly saw a thing beyond our happy little bubble. And he also pointed out, in a flirtatious way, when other men were checking me out. It just made me grin, and think something like, "That's right! I'm a sexy bitch, so you better be good to me, mister." You need to chill. This is not a big deal at all. You have a man who thinks you are attractive, who knows that other men find you attractive, and who treats you great. ENJOY, woman!
SarahRose Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Young guys tend to think of their women like a cool accessory they can show off like a new car or iphone. It's kind of insulting when you realize what they are doing.
sweetjasmine Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Because he feels that the way you look is somehow a credit to him. I didn't like this either when I've dealt with it. It made me feel like the only good quality the guy I was dating cared about was my looks and without the way I looked - he'd have nothing to be proud of. Same for me. That kind of attitude would make me feel like a trophy or the equivalent of a shiny, cool toy. Why is my appearance and the way people gawk at me giving him an ego boost? Does he define my worth based on my appearance and how other people validate it? If other men didn't find me attractive, would he think less of me? Why does he need to judge other people's reactions before deciding how much I'm worth? Why do other people's opinions affect how he sees me? I bet if OP acknowledged the gawkers' existence and winked or waved at them, her SO would sh-t his pants. This is when one partner views the other as somewhat of an object, an extension and reflection of self, rather than a separate human being. It's a red flag for me too. I agree. I think that's ultimately what it is. He's feeling accomplished, like a super manly stud, because he now owns this hot chick, and other men are jealous. He's inflating his self-worth through her appearance. She's a status symbol. The only way that could possibly work is if he sees her as some sort of extension of himself. He will say stuff like "Wow! You see those guys? They were starring at you and as soon as we passed them (I was walking with him) they all turned their heads to look at your butt." That would bother me, too. I don't like being ogled by strangers as it is, and if my boyfriend were constantly reminding me of it in real time, I'd feel pretty upset and uncomfortable. I don't like being treated that way, and it'd piss me off that he'd be joining in and validating the gawking and staring, and that he'd actually be enjoying it and using it to feel good about himself. "Wow, honey, look at them stare at you like you're a piece of meat! That's so cool! I must be the biggest stud in the world to have ended up with such a fine piece of a--." Maybe I'm crazy, but I see that as a different sentiment than, "You're beautiful/attractive, and I'm lucky to be with you." And at what point would it cross the line for him? If some guy was bugging OP, fawning over her, even though she makes it clear she has no interest, what would her boyfriend do? What if he wouldn't leave her alone? At what point would he stop thinking, "Whoa look how much they want her, it's so awesome that I own such a coveted chick", actually get defensive, and step in?
Author Ilovehim Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 I don't doubt for a second that my boyfriend cares about me and finds me beautiful. I definetely dont think he sees me as an object. I agree that men are very aware of their surroundings, a little too much I would say. The only reason why I don't like this is because I wouldnt want there to come a day where I no longer attract others attention and have to wonder "does my boyfriend find me less attractive now?" I want him to always feel this way about me, even if noone else in the world did. You guys know what I mean? Also my boyfriend is VERY built and attractive. Most men would NOT dare to step on his toes or disrespect him because they know he would beat their @$$3$... However they do stare alot and if I separate myself from him they will try to talk to me, which i COMPLETELY ignore and not even look at them and walk away. That is where this whole thing comes from. I never had a boyfriend who "liked" this. All my ex'es hated it and would get jealous. I just want my boyfriend to be neutral and careless about it. Attention from men never made me feel conceited, I looked at it as okay Im pretty but so are alot of girls and guys just generally will try to talk to girls if they find them attractive. Im usually not the conceited type and dont need attention to validate myself. Maybe this is a compliment after all, but I cant help but NOT like this and feel as though other people finding me attractive RAISES my boyfriends attraction towards me. I do not feeling like this because as someone said, If I no longer was so attractive to others, would he find me LESS attractive then? Or if guys checked out other girls, would he be like "Oh damn that girl is hot, look at all those guys looking at her...-- I mean after all that is how he is thinking of ME... Silly thinking perhaps, and I realize this is small, nothing big, but I wish he didn't care about others opinions, that is all.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about this so thought I'd ask you guys. As embarrased as I am to type this--here it goes. Please excuse me if this is a little long. I am in an amazing relationships and really care about my boyfriend extremely. Before I met him, I had guy friends and I always had guys in my life who were attracted to me and who liked me etc etc. However, ever since I dated my boyfriend I completely cut all these guys out of my life because I respect my boyfriend and honestly they were there just to boost my confidence. I respect him so much that I completely ignore every guy that tries to talk to me for him. that somehow even when men try to hit on me on the streets, I completely ignore them,(I always did but even more now), I never make eye-contact with any guys and to cut it short, the ONLY man in my life is my boyfriend--I have no guy friends, nothing. No other guy exists. HOWEVER, APPARENTLY-my boyfriend told me that he gets happy when he sees other guys checking me out or when other guys tell me they like me. He told me this and it pissed me off as why would he think that way? I go to great lengths to avoid guys attention and he tells me he "loves" when other guys look at me or tell me they want to be with me?? And when we are walking together he points that out to me "Those guys are looking at you". I feel so annoyed by this. I asked him "why?" He says "because you are sexy & beautiful and I get a kick out of it because you're mine." I go to great lengths to respect him and he says something like that, it makes me feel almost like I should be doing the opposite so he can feel "proud", like I need other men to want me so he can want me the more. My ex'es would get sooo jealous when other guys would try to talk to me and I liked that. What do you guys think about this??? These thoughts aren't bad at all on either side... BUT, I think you should ask/insist that he stop alerting YOU to the fact that some construction worker is checking out your ass. Your resolve to have cut-out most of the male entourage from your life is admirable, particularly as it was all self-motivated. I think that is a popular move among women who step into a relationship. I think it is totally sincere that he likes sensing/perceiving that other men are attracted to you. (hard to know whether it is indicative of a harmful 'possessive' trait that will come through later) I just sense that his not telling you about other men ogling you would let him continue to fancy/harbor those thoughts/perceptions while you could go on making him your one and only male concern.
lso802 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 i hope i find a girl like you, too. don't change. please. take it as a compliment unless he doesn't appreciate you just as much when guys aren't checking you out. else dude has got issues.
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