How to cope with the aftermath of my intense EA?

July 17, 2010

also, i am not sure why it is so hard for some to understand that i am not holding out hope that we can be together and therefore that is why i still want his friendship... i want his friendship because we get along and have things in common, just like i do with my other female friends. his and my friendship is more complicated, yes, but it is a genuine friendship NTL.

i want to be with my SO forever. i have no desire to be with anyone else.

July 17, 2010

Actually your anger at the so-called "friend" of yours, who is actually a cheating scumbag, is the one appropriate emotion you are feeling.

Go with it.

Edit: Technically he's a scumbag who gets in a relationship with a woman who he knows to be involved with someone else. I don't know if that's precisely "cheating" but he's still a scumbag and you're definitely right to be angry at him.

And yourself.

You're not being very helpful. Your comments are not constructive, they are judgmental. If you want to do that, it's your right, but I am chosing from now on to ignore your comments if they continue in this vein. If you have something constructive to offer, I would appreciate hearing it.

July 17, 2010

i agree with rose...please reserve all judgements here.

life is complicated, strange and we are all vulnerable in it.

if you would have told me all thru my entire life i would have broken my vows when married i would have not only thought you were nuts, but i would have never believed it ever myself. i NEVER EVER even came close to cheating on any boyfriend i EVER had. i married at 27 and have been married for over 25 years. and one vulnerable time in my life changed the course of everything. anyway, rose..... i know for myself..when i first became vulnerable...with my illness/disability and my husband acted terrible to me during that time and hadn't enough insight and patience with my illness...i met this person online who woed (sp?) me. there was another crisis in my life going on at the time..its way too much to explain...but case in point is...after he honed in on my vulnerability..i was so devastated to have allowed him to break my resolve..that i gave into feeling for him because if i didnt it would have made even less sense and hating him i thought would have destoyed me. as it turned out i should have let myself him and move on with my life. at that time i was already attached to him. it took unusaly measures to get him out of my mind and heart. i know i made him out to be better than he was. he just at times made me feel alive..(i know this is confusing) because my marriage was broken.....but....in truth he killed me more inside..or should i say i let him. yes i am in a better place in terms of THAT relationship. that relationship is wayy over. praise be to God. he was suave and smooth and seemly nice...but he was really a wolf too. this might not make sense to some. i am hoping you understand rose

July 17, 2010

I'll be blunt with you Rose you're easy but you can become strong TODAY. Having been in your OM/Friends shoes heres how it goes. Women (and men)at some point in their life start questioning their relationship " it's not as fun as it used to be, the sex has slowed down or stopped, he or she doesn't pay much attention to me as much , I dont FEEL my partner loves me, we have nothing in common" As the post above states all it takes it that opening, depression or hubby not treating you too good and acting selfish.

As a guy being online this is so easy to spot. Sometimes I'm in conversation with women and one day they are unhappy they tell me all of their problems. Guess what you just did... you just gave me everything I needed to know to make you happy by avoiding the things CURRENTLY going wrong in your relationship.

If the guy you are speaking to is a hungry wolf he will move in asap, it's a nice ego boost and may lead to sex. Before you know it he's saying all the right things, he "gets you" your husband doesnt get you anymore. You're talking to him everyday online. Intamacy and quality time with your SO is now about talking/camming/calling this other man, it's ok though he's just a friend.

Meanwhile your partner thinks either everything is fine or if things were rough(arguments etc) then any good they do to make you happy is not enough or ignored because you are now in a personal world with your "friend". Then it happens.. one day one of you says " I love you" and the feelings are mutual.

It's now just a case of meeting up doing the nasty or continuing this EA.

Its then a ticking time bomb until this is discovered it might take days, months or yrs very few dont get caught. Or you end up going with this person and leaving your partner who you never gave a chance with when you should of been communicating openly rather then with another person.

In your case love was never mentioned but a connection was certainly there. It doesn't matter if you were talking in code, talking indirectly you both knew what was up. Now he's moved on but its ok your both just "real" friends now. I bet hes having a good laugh(the om your friend), he has his gf and he has you at his beckon someone whos prob still smitten for him willing to hang out and stroke his ego.

Then there is your husband still in the dark. He has no idea the connection you had with this man I guarantee you he would not be pleased nor approve the friendship why you continue your relationship with this man under friendship is beyond me. Your Husband deserves the truth and you need to cut this friend out of your life he's a scumbag look what he's done to your marriage(you obviously deserve some blame) it's tainted but only 1 side knows you need to expose everything if you have any hope to repair things.

Tell your husband your whole feelings explain there was obviously, if he needs space or wants to leave well thats his choice but right now you are not giving him that choice, you are deciding what is right for him. If you still refuse to tell him then you still have to cut the friend out of your life he has no reason to be in it.

I hope from now on you tell your problems to your HUSBAND don't be afraid and then in this order, therapist, family member, a girlfriend.

WAKE UP. Welcome to LoveShack.

July 17, 2010

I am impressed with the observers post. its good to try to make your husband your friend. he has to be a willing friend. BUT i would NOT tell him about the other guy. NO way. just my opinion. and honestly. i know you think or know that your hubby is innocent with his female friends but you really cant know that for certain! so dont throw the baby out with the bath water. if you get rid of anyone...get rid of the boyfriend who is "taken" now..or ween yourself off of talking with him and imagine yourself doing fine without him. in the interim...once again....read men are from mars and women are from venus by john gray and ask your hubby to do the same...and maybe ask him to ease up on talking so much to his female friends. this is all to try to save the marriage that does become 'indifferent'. (sounds like)

and i am sorry but guilt will destroy you. it doesnt help trust me. it tore me up and still does but i am learning to forgive myself more. guilt is good veryyyyyyyyyyy very short term to raise your conscience level and as a preventative means to not repeating history with wrong doings. BUT to live and wrestle with it everyday..is counterproductive. rather forgive move forward..rather than on...and let it just be a bell that alerts you to re-evaluate..and correct and piee things back together. but dont beat yourself up it only makes your life worse and everyone elses worse.

great insight observer

July 17, 2010

Rose, you're lying to yourself.

You aren't here for help, you're here to argue with your husband without including him in the conversation. You're avoiding confrontation with him under the guise of protecting him. You're here to justify the decision you've already made and strengthen your position in your own mind.

Heed this well, you are approaching the typical age for a mid-life crisis. Having contact with a man not your husband for whom you have admitted romantic feelings is very dangerous to your marriage.

I think you're awfully proud of your arguments, but to all of us, they are nothing but a thin veil over a desperate woman who is sub-consciously asking for help getting off a run-away train.

You love the OM, Rose. It's going to destroy your marriage if you don't cut off contact with him.

July 17, 2010

Rose... look... the bottom line is you need to get to the root of why you felt the need to reach out to OM and talk to your husband about it... or chances are... you are at high risk of this happening again. The truth of the matter is if you thought of sexual intimacy with the OM... it would've eventually happened under the right circumstances with the right timing for both of you. If you really want to grow from this experience and address the character/relationship issues within yourself and your marriage... you have to start off by being honest with yourself. This is not a case of you not understanding what you were getting yourself into or not understanding the potential outcome by engaging the OM and meeting with him. The truth is the idea of something new and different excited you... the excitement and risk of getting caught may have been thrilling but you compromised your morals, showed little respect for yourself... your husband... and allowed another man who was cheating on his wife... lead you to believe his intentions were good with you. If you continue to wear a mask of being misunderstood or not understanding the situation you were putting yourself in... you are only fooling yourself and continuing to demonstrate your lack of commitment to your relationship. A mistake is an event or action a person commits because he or she did not understand the outcome. If you truly love your husband/SO... you need to sit down with him and help him understand the challenges within you and your relationship and try to work through them with him. You need to be honest... forthcoming... and open with yourself and your husband in order to move past this and grow from this. Will he be upset? Of course... would you be under the same circumstances? The question is... how are you going to take positive and proactive steps to address the issues within yourself and your marriage to move forward in a positive, proactive and healthy way to grow from your experience?

In order to begin to make peace within yourself and to be able to look at your husband knowing you did the right thing. No matter what mask you attempt to wear... eventually your own self guilt will envelop you. It's inevitable unless you are a cold person which you are obviously not. As the old saying goes... "the truth will set you free"

July 17, 2010

actually, i was never "in love" with him - it was more of a spiritual connection thing. and while i do still have some feelings for him which i have acknowledged are wrong (and that i am working on), i could not be happier for his relationship. we ended our EA LONG before he met his SO. i am not jealous of her... i willingly met her and hung out with her. i like her a lot and am thrilled for him, as a friend, that he is happy. in fact, i am relieved he has a relationship... it forces me to look at him in a different way, even as i still struggle with my feelings sometimes.

my anger stems from something completely different. i am enraged that someone would mess with an attached woman.

but... i am trying to let go of that anger, because it is misplaced.

my original and subsequent posts have all dealt with the ethics of the situation. i would not be here if i did not believe that i were in an ethical quandary. i am trying to arrive at the right thing to do.

the EA has ceased. i do not know how many times i have to say that. there is nostalgia in my heart, which i am trying to deal with, but we are NOT carrying on any longer. we are, simply, friends.

also, i am not sure why it is so hard for some to understand that i am not holding out hope that we can be together and therefore that is why i still want his friendship... i want his friendship because we get along and have things in common, just like i do with my other female friends. his and my friendship is more complicated, yes, but it is a genuine friendship NTL.

i want to be with my SO forever. i have no desire to be with anyone else.

Rose, weed out the judgemental aspects of previous posts and I think that the red thread that runs through the responses to your post is a sense that you are not being honest with yourself. What you have written above clearly shows me that

a) it was NOT just a spiritual connection (in any case, I think they are much more intense and profound than e.g. physical ones, so even if that is how you choose to see it, I think that makes it more difficult rather than easier) - you DO refer to romanticism, of having an EA, and of at times having 'nostalgic' feelings about that.

b) more generally, your posts are FULL of contradictions about how you feel about this man - another reason why no one is convinced that this is something that is eligible for 'friendship' in the real meaning of friendship. I have no problems with having friends of the opposite sex, I just think that what you are dealing with here is something different. And that is why IT IS extremely difficult for those of us who are reading your posts here to believe and understand that it's just a friendship in the way that you are trying to frame it.

If you decide that NC is not right for you, then that is your choice. I understand that you don't feel like breaking contact, because it's clear from what you're writing that it would be extremely sad for you - which just confirms to us that you have quite profound feelings for him. Just make sure that you take that decision when you are fully honest to yourself about the situation that you are in.

Otherwise, RID YOURSELF OF THE GUILT! Yes, EAs are wrong, but I think the type of guilt you are dealing with now is just preventing you from looking honestly at the situation and moving it forward. Relax, be good to yourself, and allow yourself to be honest. Sounds to me as if you are not accepting your own feellings (i.e. being honest with yourself) EXACTLY because of the guilt

Good luck! :-)

July 17, 2010

Rose, you're lying to yourself.

You aren't here for help, you're here to argue with your husband without including him in the conversation. You're avoiding confrontation with him under the guise of protecting him. You're here to justify the decision you've already made and strengthen your position in your own mind.

Heed this well, you are approaching the typical age for a mid-life crisis. Having contact with a man not your husband for whom you have admitted romantic feelings is very dangerous to your marriage.

I think you're awfully proud of your arguments, but to all of us, they are nothing but a thin veil over a desperate woman who is sub-consciously asking for help getting off a run-away train.

You love the OM, Rose. It's going to destroy your marriage if you don't cut off contact with him.

OMG SPRIGGIG you summed up what happened to me with someone. he didnt tell me there was a major problem and he kept it inside and left me out in the cold and kept telling me he loved me and wanted to move up to where i lived and would be together with me for life. then at the last minute out of the clear blue sky..sprung it on me that something was wrong and it was over basically and became a complete stranger to me over night. ROSE this man has a very good point only in your case i think there is an underlying problem of dissatisfaction with your hubby that maybe you are not aware of. my guy was aware of how he felt just didnt tell me. but the man or woman in place is like a pawn piece in place to like SPRIGGIG said to justify the descion in your mind perhaps. BUT rose i also know from another relationship i had that these guys can steel your virture when your vulnerable and married and even if you like/love him...you hate the fact that he did that. because no one wants to be broken, used and spent and not end up with the other persons affection. forgive any typos...not checking too tired

July 17, 2010

I do really appreciate everyone's input very very much and I will respond when I am able to. I have a very busy weekend ahead (with my SO whom I love very deeply despite any appearances to the contrary! ;-)

I will probably respond later this weekend or Monday. Thank you SO much everyone. I AM here for advice, I'm just confused!

Have a great weekend.

July 17, 2010

You need to wake up. Why you being such a whimp. You say he's a good friend? What kinda friend destroy his friend's relationships. Your friends are the one that are looking after you relationship, with your SO, just as much as you are looking after it.

So you basically left you boyfriend vulnerable and let another man walk into your relationship. He p!ssed all over your relationship. Then when he start his own relationship he friend-zoned you. Wtf? Are you ok? You just lied down there like a door mat, let a man walk over you to hurt your SO and walk (over you ) out the door. Then you get up and start kissing his butt?

Part of being faithful is being strong. You need to toughen up a little bit. Don't loosen up and open your legs to every guy that comes across you feeling all sad and lonely. Time for you to put your relationship and your SO first.

Yes, I do still have romantic feelings for him from time to time.

What?... That means you still cheating on your bf. How can you say you love your boyfriend and still cheat on him. Do you have any idea how mean and disrespectful this is to your man?

We have been alone together on several occasions and nothing happened, nor did we feel tempted toward that.

That's because when you met him he prob was settling with another woman. Did you really think he will let you come and p!ss on his relationship like you allowed him to p!ss on yours?

The EA could be characterized as a romantic friendship. And now it's just a friendship.

LOL:laugh:

!! What? When you use the word "romantic" should be always in the same line with your relationship with your SO ONLY.

I have vowed not to let anything else happen, and so it won't.

When you committed to the relationship you also vowed nothing will happen. But it did happen right? So what makes you think this is different? (Please don't reply me with " I have a feeling that nothing will happen..."

)

The reason I am talking about it is because I am still confused about why it happened, and other aspects of it, as discussed in my original post.

It happened because obviously your bf not "the one" for you. I mean if you replaced him by some guy on msn, how amazing can your bf really be?

BTW, I have never had any other EAs during my relationship, and I have never sexually strayed from my significant other. When I was younger (and this may give some insights into my personality), I never really had any serious relationships, but I had tons of flings, many of them sexual. This is my first committed relationship.

Oh... I kinda can see the picture now.

Woman, you are almost 40 and this is your first committed relationship?? So if 25 years of being the not-relationship type of girl, what on earth makes you change to the relationship type of girl in seconds??

Again I say this. You don't sound off as a relationship type girl. 25 years of flings that is a lot... well that's just a lot. And any player, like your so called "friend", can come and play you like that and make you stray away from your relationship.

Also want to say its very disrespectful to your bf that you still seeing this man. If they ever get into a fight at a pub one day you friend can easily tell him "oh yaa.. is that why your b---- was running after my d---?? " ( In a way you are disrespecting you bf in this manner ). But you prob to naive to realize this. F---, can't believe you let this guy do this to your bf and to your relationship. You just got played big time girl.

Edited July 17, 2010 by LSNoob

July 17, 2010

Don't loosen up and open your legs to every guy that comes across you feeling all sad and lonely.

That was so totally unnecessary. OP has made it totally clear that there was nothing physical. The fact that she is on this forum in the first place means she's trying to sort it out. We all go through rough phases in life where we don't see things optimally. That doesn't give you the right to speak to her disrespectfully.

July 17, 2010

you had an A with OM,due to whatever reasons you have converted A to some friendship BS.....your SO does know about your F'ship but not about A....so you got every thing sorted out here....so wtf is your problem.....is it that your SO is going to find out one day...? or is it that you do not have enough self-control to keep the things friends level...?

if it's first then your SO might leave you.....but you don't seem to be cared about it anyways.....

if it's next then you will have an opportunity where you can decide whether to leave your SO for OM or not.....which you've already tried and tested it....

then WTF is your issue....i didn't get it

July 17, 2010

Am I wrong to maintain a friendship with the OM?

You have known the answer for a LONG time, but yet, you continued this "friendship." Why........because....

And yet, I cannot imagine not being friends with this OM. It would break my heart if our friendship had to end.

To answer your question directly, yes, it was and is wrong, no matter how you twisted it and justify it to ease and trying to lie to yourself to ease the guilt. You continue to direspect your partner, secretly and openly. That's a stap in the back and a slap in the face. You continue to do it because you're selfish due to you "cannot imgaine not being friends with this OM."

What I wrote was honest and the truth and I know you knew it already.

July 17, 2010

That was so totally unnecessary. OP has made it totally clear that there was nothing physical. The fact that she is on this forum in the first place means she's trying to sort it out. We all go through rough phases in life where we don't see things optimally. That doesn't give you the right to speak to her disrespectfully.

Give me a break, will ya? Ya I over exaggerated a little bit. BIG DEAL:rolleyes:

We all go through rough phases in life where we don't see things optimally.

Don't make it sound like a mistake for the love of god. OP didn't make a mistake she wanted to cheat. Or maybe she got taken advantage of. She needs to wake up and be a little bit stronger than this. This is ridiculous, she is a complete push over. And that loser friend is taking advantage of her. Lol, what a jerk.

July 17, 2010

Give me a break, will ya? Ya I over exaggerated a little bit. BIG DEAL:rolleyes:

Don't make it sound like a mistake for the love of god. OP didn't make a mistake she wanted to cheat. Or maybe she got taken advantage of. She needs to wake up and be a little bit stronger than this. This is ridiculous, she is a complete push over. And that loser friend is taking advantage of her. Lol, what a jerk.

You didn't exaggerate. You were disrespectful. Big difference.

I'm not saying the EA was a 'mistake' - where did I say that? Nowhere. I'm saying she is trying to work things through and is confused.

July 18, 2010

You didn't exaggerate. You were disrespectful. Big difference.

I'm not saying the EA was a 'mistake' - where did I say that? Nowhere. I'm saying she is trying to work things through and is confused.

Thank you jenn for being respectful to me.

I am through with this conversation because a couple of people are being dishearteningly disrespectful as well as completely mischaracterizing my situation.

It was a mistake to come here but I do appreciate the help that all respectful parties have given me. You have given me a lot to think about and I am absolutely certain that what you have said will impact how I go forward with this.

Again, thank you.

I am extremely grateful for your insights.

July 18, 2010

In reference to the original post, there was a reason for the emotional affair and that is what needs to be explored. Men and women who get inot these are seeking something but it doesn't always end up being long-term. A friend of mine recently became involved with an intense emotional affair which she thought was going to be something more but as it turned out he ran when she left her husband. It caused her more confusion than it was worth, she is now divorced and trying to figure out if her husband was really that bad in the first place. Drop the affiar, figure out what you want for youself and if you cannot be committed to your relationship, get out and move on.

July 18, 2010

You have given me a lot to think about and I am absolutely certain that what you have said will impact how I go forward with this.

Do you have the strength and desire to end this so called friendship with the OM? Do you recognize that it IS damaging what you have with your SO? That infact, you may not see this, but you DO love the OM and are still too emotionally attached to him? Fact that you dont' want to lose him, feel any kind of pain of losing the friendship makes me wonder where your priorities are. It's a friendship that your SO thinks is innocent and platonic. And it isn't.. Ofcourse he's OK with you and the OM..He has NO idea what happened!!

Keep in mind that one day if/when your SO finds out the truth, it'll be worse for him to find out on his own than for you to tell him now. Even more so since you don't want to end the friendship...

Or, when you say how you go forward with this, does it mean that you are going to tell the OM goodbye because the friendship is selfish, self serving and is based on lies?

July 18, 2010

Hi Rose.

I have not read all the posts but seen lots of good insight and I can also see where you are coming from.

I know what it is like to find yourself in the midst of one of these 'relationships' where there is such a strong connection. It is inexplicable and very powerful.

You have a partner that you care about deeply and is a top priority. Fair enough.

But in all honesty, can you honestly say that your feelings for OM.. (albeit friendship) will take NOTHING, nothing away form your relationship with your partner?? Can you honestly say that?

If you cannot say that and if you are compromising your existing relationship in any way at all by staying friends with OM..then it is the wrong thing to do. You are short-changing your SO.

Please forgive if this is going over old ground or if it is stating the bleedin' obvious. I had not enough time to read the whole thread.

Wishing you all the best.

Edited July 18, 2010 by Brightmoon

July 18, 2010

Rose you can Private message me if you would like. anyway i am guessing that this section of LS is where a lot of people who were cheated on.....come on for advise. so i am guessing thats why you are not getting the responses that feel friendly. i am not one of those people. (as you can tell )

i am sad for all of us...in all of our situations. its horrible to have a broken heart...

period

July 18, 2010

There are several things / statements in the OP that contradict normal logic and lack sensibility.

One of them is the repeated expression of anger/disappointment towards the AP (now friend), because he got involved in an EA with an MW (herself). Is he to blame? Really? Rose must be joking.

Now that he has gotten involved in a real R, he ended it (my guess), and that's where the anger comes from. He has been using her. Continuing a friendship with the former EA partner is not only deceitful, dishonest and wrong, it's also dumb, especially in this case.

July 18, 2010

Thank you jenn for being respectful to me.

Do you disagree with what I wrote?

July 18, 2010

Hey then--let's talk about "respect."

Is the OP being "respectful" to her SO by lying about the true nature of her relationship with the OM?

No of course not. But that doesn't give you, or me, or anyone else, a license to be disrespectful to others. One wrong doesn't make another wrong right.

July 18, 2010

I don't think what that other poster posted, which you accused of being "disrespectful," was in fact "disrespectful." It was an honest statement of opinion.

People like you try to change the subject by attacking the motives of the poster or perhaps characterizing what you've read.

Who gives a hoot if YOU think something is, or is not, "respectful" or "disrespectful"?

That's completely subjective. You're entitled to your subjective opinion about what other people post, but you're not entitled to attempt to suppress other people's opinions by elevating your opinion other theirs. Which is exactly what you're implicitly trying to do.

The bottom line is that if "respect" is your concern, THEN TELL THE DAMN CHEATING OP TO BE RESPECTFUL OF HER HUSBAND BY TELLING HIM THE TRUTH.

And I don't care about your opinion about my post, other than for you to explain your reasoning as to why you wouldn't tell the OP to tell her husband the truth about her affair and the OM's role in her life, if "respect" is something you value.

I'm guessing you're a cheater, too?

No, I'm not a cheater and have never been one.

I have replied in length above to the OP above, if you really want to know what I have adviced her.

I will keep expressing my honest opinion, just like everyone else on this forum.

To say that I am trying to suppress someone's opinion is ridiculous. If those reading want to give a damn or not about what I write is up to them.

Sign In

How to cope with the aftermath of my intense EA?

Recommended Posts

Rose Gael

Rose Gael

IfiKnewThen

theobserver

IfiKnewThen

spriggig

kevinm1019

jenngem

IfiKnewThen

Rose Gael

LSNoob

jenngem

U2RockZz

Corporate

LSNoob

jenngem

Rose Gael

AVR1962

whichwayisup

Brightmoon

IfiKnewThen

Minnie09

Corporate

jenngem

jenngem

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...