How to cope with the aftermath of my intense EA?

[ComputerJock]

Rose: To us who have been there and back it's obvious you are still in an EA and more than likely you will wind up in a physical affair and will be back here to ask for help in how to get back your SO who will be so hurt by your actions he will more then not leave you. When you have been lied to like you are lying to your SO saying he is only a FRIEND, and the truth comes out, trust is the first victim. You have gotten good advice on this site but you continue to ignore it because of your feelings for the OM.

[Owl]

Thank you very much for your frank response. You have given me a lot to think about.

 

You're very welcome. I am a frank speaker, but hold no malice against you. I really do only want to see the best possible outcome of your situation.

 

I don't know if I would characterize it as an EA at this point, since my feelings are mostly friendship-based. I think the romantic feelings that arise simply do because of nostalgia.

 

You've described it as MORE than a friendship. And that, combined with continued contact and your partner's unknowing support of the friendship sets the stage for the EA to resume again at some point. This 'friendship' will ALWAYS pose a threat to your relationship with your partner as long as you continue it.

 

I want to take a moment to piont out to you that you're very likely to start seeing posts soon decrying out against the "NC brigade" or some other such nonsense. This will be coming from other posters who insist on taking their secrets with them to the grave...who insist on keeping their spouses/partners in the dark, preventing them from making their own decisions by denying them the full information about their own relationships.

 

It'll be up to you to decide which way you want to go on this...I simply want to caution you not to throw in with them simply because you want to avoid conflict and maintain the friendship. Listen to ALL of the advice you get here, and make your choices then.

 

We are friends in a group with other people, and we all have a lot of fun together when we meet up (about once a year now).

 

But I do see your point that the emotion I still periodically feel for the OM could be construed as a betrayal.

 

Cutting of friendship with him, however, would prove very difficult. I would say this about ANY good friendship I have.

 

I guess my wish is to get beyond the romantic nostalgia altogether, and I am not sure cutting off the friendship would solve that. It might make things worse for me. The friendship actually helps me see him in a different light than I had previously, if that makes sense.

 

So I am not convinced that NC is the way to go, and I do not mean this to sound selfish, although some will undoubtedly see it as such.

 

I have no doubt that cutting out your relationship with OM will be tough...don't take me wrong.

 

But can you honestly say that KEEPING this 'friendship' is the right thing to do to your partner???? Even if he doesn't know the truth...you do.

 

You know that you crossed a line. You know that feelings are still there. You know that if things change, it could resume back to an EA.

 

Is it fair to your partner to live a life in ignorance of this, and in a way have the OM paraded around in front of him....all unknowing of the betrayal and your feelings?

 

Is it fair for him to continue to live as though nothing at all happened?

 

Is it fair for him to remain 'friends' with someone who participated/particpates in that same betrayal...because you've opted to keep OM in your life?

 

 

I just wish I knew how to stop having any feelings for him other than pure friendship, like I do with my other friends.

 

The way to end those feelins is a two-stepped approach. First...remove the object of those feelings from your life. Second, re-focus your efforts and your thoughts on your partner, rather than on OM. It'll take time and effort...but it can be done.

 

But it CAN'T be done while he's still right there in front of you.

 

More than anything, I do cherish my relationship with my SO, and so if he did find out and want me to cease contact with my friend, I would. However, I do not plan on telling him what happened; I don't think we should ALWAYS confess such things. I think each situation merits its own response and way of dealing. I think this would cause needless suffering for my SO, and I want to shield him from that. I have determined never to go down this path again.

 

Over time my romantic feelings for my friend have subsided, and hopefully they will continue to subside.

 

 

The bolded last sentence should be your guiding light. It clearly spells out that you know what has to happen, you know the steps to take......but you DON'T value your relationship with your partner over keeping the friendship/relationship with OM.

 

Your actions clearly spell out your intentions. It's always this way. What you SAY about how you feel, what you want...is just words. What you DO...this tells what's really and truly in your heart and mind.

 

What does your silence and continued relationship with OM tell you?

[Rose Gael]

Rose: To us who have been there and back it's obvious you are still in an EA and more than likely you will wind up in a physical affair and will be back here to ask for help in how to get back your SO who will be so hurt by your actions he will more then not leave you. When you have been lied to like you are lying to your SO saying he is only a FRIEND, and the truth comes out, trust is the first victim. You have gotten good advice on this site but you continue to ignore it because of your feelings for the OM.

 

I do appreciate your response.

 

We are not still in an EA, though I can certainly see how my nostalgic feelings can constitute a betrayal. I am trying to figure out how to work through those.

 

We are not intimate with each other in any way, period. I don't know how to make that more plain. We are only friends.

 

I am not ignoring the advice; I am taking it very much to heart! But cutting off the friendship would be difficult, not because I want to be with him romantically - I don't! But because letting go of ANY good friendship is difficult.

 

I don't see how I can make that more plain.

 

I am hoping that someone will understand where I am coming from on this and give me advice from that perspective.

 

I do appreciate all advice rendered so far; it has helped me enormously.

[Owl]

I am not ignoring the advice; I am taking it very much to heart! But cutting off the friendship would be difficult, not because I want to be with him romantically - I don't! But because letting go of ANY good friendship is difficult.

 

So it's difficult. You're an adult. You do difficult things everyday.

 

The fact remains that it's the right thing to do. For your relationship with your partner, for yourself, for your partner.

 

The bottom line is this...is choosing not to end this relationship and continuing to betray your partner a better choice than taking the difficult path and ending the 'friendship?

 

Is your partner worth ending it for?

 

If so...then your partner's awareness shouldn't be the deciding factor in choosing to end the relationship...you should do it on your own even if he doesn't know.

 

If not...if the KEEPING the friendship is more important than your relationship with your partner...you already have your answer.

 

Keeping both...is absolutely the worst path to take, even though it seems to be the most tempting to you.

[jnj express]

Hey RG----as to telling or not---you are gonna do, what you are gonna do---you can get a million suggestions as to what to do---but in the end--you will decide based on your gut reaction, and what you can live with

 

As to what to do about the other guy---what you are doing is inappropriate--plain and simple---those who are in a committed relationship---do not, and I repeat DO NOT spend any length of time with members of the opposite sex---in your case electronically. If he is a friend, you would occassionally speak in light banter about how he is doing, how things are going---and that's it----talk again in maybe a month---You have taken this beyond that----so it needs to end.

 

As to guilt---you have given your heart to this other guy---for that is what an EA is-----you say you have shut it down---but you still want contact---so you have not shut it down----you need to go NC---if other guy has problems, let him get help elsewhere----he will get along w/out you just fine, no matter what he says

 

As to your guilt---I don't know how you handle guilt---do you think you have something to be guilty of---how far did your heart and love go out---did you get carried away in your EA---did you give out secrets, and talk about things that only belonged to you, and your partner----Did you wanna have sex with this other guy----You have to decide what you are guilty of----then if you arn't gonna tell---then just try to shut it out of your life----Best way for that to happen is---OUt of sight --out of mind---in this case NC takes place of out of sight

[whichwayisup]

I agree I am responsible for my feelings. And I do own those. Perhaps I have not made that very clear.

 

I have no clue why I turned to the OM. Immaturity? Selfishness? Thrill seeking?

 

My relationship, like all, has gaps, but mostly it's a very good one. So I don't think relationship issues are why I turned to the OM.

 

I don't want my partner to suffer, so I have chosen not to tell him. I don't think we should, in all cases, expose these things. I ended it, and have vowed not to do it again. I learned my lesson.

 

As far as the friendship, I do struggle with that, but I also enjoy the friendship. Again, there is nothing romantic anymore about it. He is involved, and I am thoroughly committed to my SO.

 

So I am not sure why you think I should block all forms of communication with the OM if I feel certain not to fall back into the situation with him?

 

You aren't going like what I have to say...

 

End it. The friendship is SELFISH and self serving and it serves no purpose. You and this OM are not friends because of the feelings. Go no contact. Write him one email to tell him goodbye, that it's easier and better for YOU to end it and never see/speak/email/text/IM ever again.

 

If you are so committed to your partner, then this OM shouldn't even be an issue. This OM fed your ego, made you feel sexy and alive, spiritual or whatever.. It was based on fun, fantasy feelings that can RUIN what you have with your partner.

 

It's selfish of you to keep the OM in your life. How would you feel if your partner had another woman HE was having an EA with and did, feels like you are with the OM? Put yourself in your partner's shoes.

 

On the other hand, I feel resentment toward him because he knew I was in a long-term relationship when he and I carried on our EA. Even though I too am to blame for that, I feel very strongly that he should have had the fortitude to avoid getting involved with me romantically. So at times I feel very angry toward him for that. I love my significant other very much and I feel I was disrespected by this OM.

 

Be pissed at him, but be pissed at yourself too. You didn't go into this blindly, you did this willingly. You could have said NO at anytime, you didn't respect your own relationship, he didn't respect his .. So why on earth would you hope/expect him to respect YOUR relationship, and you his? Did you even think of his wife during your EA? You helped him cheat on her, emotionally, just as he helped you cheat on your partner emotionally. It takes two......

 

End it and focus on your relationship, fixing yourself and finding a way to keep yourself from getting close and too emotionally attached to other men.

[Rose Gael]

You aren't going like what I have to say...

 

End it. The friendship is SELFISH and self serving and it serves no purpose. You and this OM are not friends because of the feelings. Go no contact. Write him one email to tell him goodbye, that it's easier and better for YOU to end it and never see/speak/email/text/IM ever again.

 

If you are so committed to your partner, then this OM shouldn't even be an issue. This OM fed your ego, made you feel sexy and alive, spiritual or whatever.. It was based on fun, fantasy feelings that can RUIN what you have with your partner.

 

It's selfish of you to keep the OM in your life. How would you feel if your partner had another woman HE was having an EA with and did, feels like you are with the OM? Put yourself in your partner's shoes.

 

 

 

Be pissed at him, but be pissed at yourself too. You didn't go into this blindly, you did this willingly. You could have said NO at anytime, you didn't respect your own relationship, he didn't respect his .. So why on earth would you hope/expect him to respect YOUR relationship, and you his? Did you even think of his wife during your EA? You helped him cheat on her, emotionally, just as he helped you cheat on your partner emotionally. It takes two......

 

End it and focus on your relationship, fixing yourself and finding a way to keep yourself from getting close and too emotionally attached to other men.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

I just want to be clear - as I said in my original post, this man was single when we were in our EA. I don't know how that got obfuscated in subsequent posts, but clearly it did for some people. He was not in a relationship at the time. He only recently got into a serious relationship.

 

I was the only one in a relationship during our EA.

 

As for the other things you write... I do hear you and I agree that I need to find a way to "fix" myself and ensure that this never happens again.

 

And you are right - it was based on fun fantasy feelings. THat is the core of it here. I am probably too easily bored, and that's the crux of the problem. My problem.

[Rose Gael]

You're very welcome. I am a frank speaker, but hold no malice against you. I really do only want to see the best possible outcome of your situation.

 

 

 

You've described it as MORE than a friendship. And that, combined with continued contact and your partner's unknowing support of the friendship sets the stage for the EA to resume again at some point. This 'friendship' will ALWAYS pose a threat to your relationship with your partner as long as you continue it.

 

I want to take a moment to piont out to you that you're very likely to start seeing posts soon decrying out against the "NC brigade" or some other such nonsense. This will be coming from other posters who insist on taking their secrets with them to the grave...who insist on keeping their spouses/partners in the dark, preventing them from making their own decisions by denying them the full information about their own relationships.

 

It'll be up to you to decide which way you want to go on this...I simply want to caution you not to throw in with them simply because you want to avoid conflict and maintain the friendship. Listen to ALL of the advice you get here, and make your choices then.

 

 

 

I have no doubt that cutting out your relationship with OM will be tough...don't take me wrong.

 

But can you honestly say that KEEPING this 'friendship' is the right thing to do to your partner???? Even if he doesn't know the truth...you do.

 

You know that you crossed a line. You know that feelings are still there. You know that if things change, it could resume back to an EA.

 

Is it fair to your partner to live a life in ignorance of this, and in a way have the OM paraded around in front of him....all unknowing of the betrayal and your feelings?

 

Is it fair for him to continue to live as though nothing at all happened?

 

Is it fair for him to remain 'friends' with someone who participated/particpates in that same betrayal...because you've opted to keep OM in your life?

 

 

 

 

The way to end those feelins is a two-stepped approach. First...remove the object of those feelings from your life. Second, re-focus your efforts and your thoughts on your partner, rather than on OM. It'll take time and effort...but it can be done.

 

But it CAN'T be done while he's still right there in front of you.

 

 

 

 

The bolded last sentence should be your guiding light. It clearly spells out that you know what has to happen, you know the steps to take......but you DON'T value your relationship with your partner over keeping the friendship/relationship with OM.

 

Your actions clearly spell out your intentions. It's always this way. What you SAY about how you feel, what you want...is just words. What you DO...this tells what's really and truly in your heart and mind.

 

What does your silence and continued relationship with OM tell you?

 

Thanks again. You have great insights. I am going to definitely listen to all angles here. I do see merit in both approaches (tell/not tell and contact/no contact). I don't think there is one sweeping answer for such situations; each demands its own answer and I am trying to dig to the core of the genuine answer to my specific issue.

[Rose Gael]

So it's difficult. You're an adult. You do difficult things everyday.

 

The fact remains that it's the right thing to do. For your relationship with your partner, for yourself, for your partner.

 

The bottom line is this...is choosing not to end this relationship and continuing to betray your partner a better choice than taking the difficult path and ending the 'friendship?

 

Is your partner worth ending it for?

 

If so...then your partner's awareness shouldn't be the deciding factor in choosing to end the relationship...you should do it on your own even if he doesn't know.

 

If not...if the KEEPING the friendship is more important than your relationship with your partner...you already have your answer.

 

Keeping both...is absolutely the worst path to take, even though it seems to be the most tempting to you.

 

I do see your points.

 

I am not sure I am "continuing" to betray my partner, however. The EA is over.

 

I am committing a betrayal, I suppose, in continuing to sometimes nurture romantic feelings... but again, those are mostly nostalgic. If I can get fully past those, am I committing a betrayal in simply being friends with an OM? I don't think so... even though the friendship was once something more.

 

I think THAT is where things are murky for me.

 

Yes, IF my SO wanted me to end it, I would... but there is no proof he would want me to end it. After hearing all the details, he might not.

 

He has opposite sex friendships; why can't I?

 

I know that mine is more complicated...

[IfiKnewThen]

where do i begin rose? sometimes it's so hard to get friendship out of our spouses. we just all become indifferent to each other. having a friend makes us feel alive and that there is something to fall back on. sometimes..this keeps us alive and going. like a daily battery. i know. my story is too long to tell on here now and i will be posting about that later. i just wanted to tell you although our situations are very different...i relate.

 

you are beyond fortunate not to have gotten physical with him. i wasn't so smart in my situation.

 

sometimes i think we have to look at our spouses straight in the eye and say.....please....look at me and hear this....this is a matter of quality of life or death of things that we dream of and want. "i need you to be my best friend...i need you to have my back....i need you to trust...and know i am safe as can be. and then i can feel the romance again..God willing....and be more to you and give myself over to you. i drift mentally from the indifference...i cringe to be intimate when there's fighting all the time or silence and cold wars.... come back to me or i will find friendship elsewhere and that might lead to intimacy and EA." i wish we could come to our spouses like this. and they GET IT and respond to it"

 

I had an innocent friendship like yours that went nowhere physically too and that was hard to get away from but i USED the anger towards them to get away from them when they did find end up in a romantic relationship with someone else. and later....i found myself not really caring about them anymore and they were really a jerk as compare to my SO. i just felt deprived of their attention and betrayed because it landed back to where i started out...in the same boat i was in with my husband. feeling dead....not alive and i wanted to say to the OM (platonic friend) why did you make me feel alive once then kill me again. thats what it all comes down to.

 

if you want to email me you can and we can talk further.

 

the bottom line is years later i met someone and they were better than my SO and that fantasy friend. and then the real pain followed. now i am in a brand new quandry.

 

so my advise to you is this. 1) stop feeling quilty for being human and feeling alive again with a fantasy friend

2) forgive yourself.

3) back away from them. find anything new (thats safe) to make you feel alive again..you will find it more spiritual than...Him.

 

4) dont tell you So about your feeling for this man. tell him your needs and wishes for a more fulfilling relationship with him, and pray he gets it and tell him its work and go out and buy him books to read like men are from mars woman are from venus. and read it yourself too. i am sure is is a great guy..but even good guys, dont know when we are feeling empty somehow inside and what part they can possibly play in helping make things better

 

5) of course examine yourself.

 

6) pray for answers then listen to your inner voice.

 

there lies the greatest spirituality

 

there seems to be nothing to tell your SO. just would-be wishes and dreams and longing and wanting something to make you feel whole.

 

when we are sad inside we all want a way out from the sadness. and others seems like a fitting answer at times...

 

anyway.......you may also be mad at this other Man because he unearthed the want for something more in you and then satisfy the feeling.

 

use the resentment or AKA bad feelings towards him to equalize the mourning of comfort not realized through him in the end. and take that feeling and run LOL... so you dont have to suffer anymore with further anquish and pain that comes from deeper involvement of dreams not realized.

 

i am trying to explain a very difficult thing to explain here.

i hope some of this helps.

[Rose Gael]

Hey RG----as to telling or not---you are gonna do, what you are gonna do---you can get a million suggestions as to what to do---but in the end--you will decide based on your gut reaction, and what you can live with

 

As to what to do about the other guy---what you are doing is inappropriate--plain and simple---those who are in a committed relationship---do not, and I repeat DO NOT spend any length of time with members of the opposite sex---in your case electronically. If he is a friend, you would occassionally speak in light banter about how he is doing, how things are going---and that's it----talk again in maybe a month---You have taken this beyond that----so it needs to end.

 

As to guilt---you have given your heart to this other guy---for that is what an EA is-----you say you have shut it down---but you still want contact---so you have not shut it down----you need to go NC---if other guy has problems, let him get help elsewhere----he will get along w/out you just fine, no matter what he says

 

As to your guilt---I don't know how you handle guilt---do you think you have something to be guilty of---how far did your heart and love go out---did you get carried away in your EA---did you give out secrets, and talk about things that only belonged to you, and your partner----Did you wanna have sex with this other guy----You have to decide what you are guilty of----then if you arn't gonna tell---then just try to shut it out of your life----Best way for that to happen is---OUt of sight --out of mind---in this case NC takes place of out of sight

 

Thank you for this. I agree I/we went way too far which is why we ended it. Thankfully he lives elsewhere or it might have gone much further.

 

Yes, I feel guilty and I am trying to work through that. I never ONCE stopped loving my SO, or giving him great affection.

 

But I still stumble on the idea of NC. I am not sure in this situation it's the thing to do, for a number of reasons.

 

Also... I disagree that you cannot be good friends with members of the OS outside of your relationship. I disagree quite vehemently. I am not talking about my situation here, but generally speaking.

 

My SO has a good friend who is a single woman. They work together and go to lunch together once a week, sometimes more.

 

Nothing is going on between them. They are good friends.

 

She comes over to dinner sometimes and has us over to dinner.

 

But they also spend time alone. Eating lunch. And very occasionally going out to dinner together, when I am out of town. He always tells me about it.

 

There is no attraction between them that I can discern and I think it would be absurd for me to restrict this friendship. She is single but looking for a boyfriend, and she happens also to be a good friend with my SO.

 

I don't see the harm and I think it's absurd to expect that our SO should not have good friends of the opposite sex outside of the relationship. I think such friendships are very very healthy.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry for all the darn typo's i can repost with corrections later if you want

[Rose Gael]

where do i begin rose? sometimes it's so hard to get friendship out of our spouses. we just all become indifferent to each other. having a friend makes us feel alive and that there is something to fall back on. sometimes..this keeps us alive and going. like a daily battery. i know. my story is too long to tell on here now and i will be posting about that later. i just wanted to tell you although our situations are very different...i relate.

 

you are beyond fortunate not to have gotten physical with him. i wasn't so smart in my situation.

 

sometimes i think we have to look at our spouses straight in the eye and say.....please....look at me and hear this....this is a matter of quality of life or death of things that we dream of and want. "i need you to be my best friend...i need you to have my back....i need you to trust...and know i am safe as can be. and then i can feel the romance again..God willing....and be more to you and give myself over to you. i drift mentally from the indifference...i cringe to be intimate when there's fighting all the time or silence and cold wars.... come back to me or i will find friendship elsewhere and that might lead to intimacy and EA." i wish we could come to our spouses like this. and they GET IT and respond to it"

 

I had an innocent friendship like yours that went nowhere physically too and that was hard to get away from but i USED the anger towards them to get away from them when they did find end up in a romantic relationship with someone else. and later....i found myself not really caring about them anymore and they were really a jerk as compare to my SO. i just felt deprived of their attention and betrayed because it landed back to where i started out...in the same boat i was in with my husband. feeling dead....not alive and i wanted to say to the OM (platonic friend) why did you make me feel alive once then kill me again. thats what it all comes down to.

 

if you want to email me you can and we can talk further.

 

the bottom line is years later i met someone and they were better than my SO and that fantasy friend. and then the real pain followed. now i am in a brand new quandry.

 

so my advise to you is this. 1) stop feeling quilty for being human and feeling alive again with a fantasy friend

2) forgive yourself.

3) back away from them. find anything new (thats safe) to make you feel alive again..you will find it more spiritual than...Him.

 

4) dont tell you So about your feeling for this man. tell him your needs and wishes for a more fulfilling relationship with him, and pray he gets it and tell him its work and go out and buy him books to read like men are from mars woman are from venus. and read it yourself too. i am sure is is a great guy..but even good guys, dont know when we are feeling empty somehow inside and what part they can possibly play in helping make things better

 

5) of course examine yourself.

 

6) pray for answers then listen to your inner voice.

 

there lies the greatest spirituality

 

there seems to be nothing to tell your SO. just would-be wishes and dreams and longing and wanting something to make you feel whole.

 

when we are sad inside we all want a way out from the sadness. and others seems like a fitting answer at times...

 

anyway.......you may also be mad at this other Man because he unearthed the want for something more in you and then satisfy the feeling.

 

use the resentment or AKA bad feelings towards him to equalize the mourning of comfort not realized through him in the end. and take that feeling and run LOL... so you dont have to suffer anymore with further anquish and pain that comes from deeper involvement of dreams not realized.

 

i am trying to explain a very difficult thing to explain here.

i hope some of this helps.

 

you said some truly wonderful helpful things and i do appreciate them. particularly, your words about forgiving myself and examining myself resonate very strongly.

 

my SO gives me a lot... i don't think the problem is him. sure, he's flawed. we all are.

 

maybe there are things lacking that i can try to fulfill in other ways... but again, it's not him. this is what is so troubling to me. he's a wonderful person and i think i strayed emotionally because i am immature and easily bored.

 

it's not him, it's me.

 

thank you so much for your thoughts.

[jnj express]

Hey RG------OK you have given me your opinion, on having friends of the opposite sex---let us just say we agree to disagree-----you have not answered the last part of my last post----about how deep you went in your conversations, and how you were handling the guilt in/re: that

 

As to your SO's friend he hopefully has kept things on a light friendly level----you did not do that----That is the major difference here---that is why there needs to be NC

[Rose Gael]

As to guilt---you have given your heart to this other guy---for that is what an EA is-----you say you have shut it down---but you still want contact---so you have not shut it down----you need to go NC---if other guy has problems, let him get help elsewhere----he will get along w/out you just fine, no matter what he says

 

As to your guilt---I don't know how you handle guilt---do you think you have something to be guilty of---how far did your heart and love go out---did you get carried away in your EA---did you give out secrets, and talk about things that only belonged to you, and your partner----Did you wanna have sex with this other guy----You have to decide what you are guilty of----then if you arn't gonna tell---then just try to shut it out of your life----Best way for that to happen is---OUt of sight --out of mind---in this case NC takes place of out of sight

 

We have contact because we are genuinely friends. We have a group of us, as I said, and we meet up together and have a great time.

 

I don't think we thought we would become friends after all was said and done, but we did.

 

Sure, our friendship evolved from the EA... but in reality it was always friendship. That was the core of it. Romantic feelings took over for a while. I am not excusing that part of it... that was out of line, which is why we stopped it. I got in over my head, he saw that, and we ended it.

 

Yes, I have something to feel guilty for... I had a spiritual connection with this OM. That was a betrayal to my relationship with my SO.

 

Actually, we did NOT at that time exchange deep secrets, except about the fact that there was a romantic connection...

 

Yes, I wanted to have sex with him. We had a few rather racy phone conversations, but our contact was mainly by e-mail, and not racy, really, but romantically coded.

 

Whether or not I establish NC with him... I won't be able to merely "forget" this situation. It will always be a part of my life, like all situations are, romantic and otherwise.

 

I have chosen to stay friends with him because we have a friendship connection now.

 

I am working on the guilt part and working on how NOT to betray my SO. I know some of you think I am still, and perhaps I am. I am not 100% sold on that, because, as I said, we are merely friends at this point. I have met his SO, and he has even exchanged some lighthearted e-mails with my SO.

 

Nothing is going on between us but we do appreciate each others' friendship.

[freestyle]

Rose,

 

I'd like to highly recommend reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

 

It's a very comprehensive look at the dynamics of emotional affairs, and it looks at things from all points of view---the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse, and the affair partner.It may lend you more insights into the dynamics of what's been happening.

[Rose Gael]

Rose,

 

I'd like to highly recommend reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

 

It's a very comprehensive look at the dynamics of emotional affairs, and it looks at things from all points of view---the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse, and the affair partner.It may lend you more insights into the dynamics of what's been happening.

 

Thank you. I may have seen this book advertised online.

 

The thing is, most of you are saying that it is still an EA. But it is not. It was one, and it evolved. Yes, I do still nurture romantic feelings from time to time... but they are nostalgic. The content of the friendship is not romantic anymore.

 

I am trying to get past the nostalgia, and I do believe that this would be an issue whether or not I had NC with him. I would still feel nostalgically romantic if we were not speaking... in fact I might even feel moreso than I do now, because I wouldn't have an alternate reality to deal with. His and my current friendship is that alternate reality.

 

We are not in touch every day, and sometimes we go weeks without real contact.

 

When we do have contact, it is contact like any friends would have. We talk about mundane as well as intellectual topics. But we don't exchange secrets. The e-mail exchanges are nothing extraordinary.

 

I don't see why we can't have a friendship like that. I don't think our situation fits so neatly into conventional categories. We are no longer intimate in our discussions, so it's not an EA anymore.

 

I do see your points about the danger of it becoming one again, and this alone would be a good reason to establish NC.

 

But I feel quite certain that's not going to happen. And if I felt he was coming onto me, I would cease contact.

[jnj express]

Hey RG---I am not sure what is going on, but you are speaking from two different directions---1st you say nothing happened cuz OM, lives elsewhere----then later you state we are a group of friends, and we meet together ----so which is it??????

 

Also if there is really nothing wrong----and you are gonna continue this, no matter what----THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE

 

Do not take that the wrong way----I am not putting you down, I am asking that question cuz I think something down deep is bothering you, and you arn't able to figure out how to deal with your situation.

 

So again, what IS bothering you, and what do you wanna end up with after this thread is played out----You are trying to get solace about something---what is it????

[IfiKnewThen]

Rose i would not feel so guilty then or be hard on myself if this did not culminate into something more physcial. I am NOT sure whats going on with you.

Not trying to be cute...but maybe Catholic School guilt. So many things have made me feel guilty and i used to think i didn't even deserve my husband...till i truly looked at the situation and saw....

 

he and i both weren't perfect.

 

But i do regret that i had a EA. we do get good advise from the bible. and i will say that everything begins with a thought and our thoughts affect our hearts...lives and lead us to our actions. so turn your thoughts to something else besides him and start eliminating him from that place in your mind. because its there that all feelings gets stirred up from. so try thinking less and less about him and use cognitive therapy to get you thru this process..and a few prayers to guild you and give you strength

[IfiKnewThen]

JNJ i feel like you do. not sure what her objective is

[Rose Gael]

Hey RG---I am not sure what is going on, but you are speaking from two different directions---1st you say nothing happened cuz OM, lives elsewhere----then later you state we are a group of friends, and we meet together ----so which is it??????

 

Also if there is really nothing wrong----and you are gonna continue this, no matter what----THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE

 

Do not take that the wrong way----I am not putting you down, I am asking that question cuz I think something down deep is bothering you, and you arn't able to figure out how to deal with your situation.

 

So again, what IS bothering you, and what do you wanna end up with after this thread is played out----You are trying to get solace about something---what is it????

 

I think I have not made myself clear.

 

OM and I carried on an EA for a few months through phone and e-mail. We had not met at that point because he lives abroad.

 

We met when a group of friends and I traveled abroad. By that time, we were not carrying on the EA anymore.

 

We all went out together on several occasions and he and I became good friends.

 

When I got back, we resumed contact, but in a much different context - that of friendship.

 

He got into a relationship and I have traveled abroad again with my friends, and actually met his SO.

 

He is still with her and he and I still have contact - through our group of friends, and sometimes through personal e-mails. But we are not e-mailing intensely at all like we were during the EA, and our e-mails are only friendship e-mails.

 

I don't know what I am seeking here, other than advice about how to cope with all of this - the guilt that I feel for the EA and betraying my SO, and the anger I feel toward my friend sometimes.

 

And now people are telling me I should have NC with my friend, and I do see their point. But it's not so easy to do that with someone who has indeed evolved into a genuine friend. And I am not sure I agree I should have to.

 

But I guess the main thing I am seeking is advice on how to deal with the aftermath of all of it.

[Rose Gael]

Rose i would not feel so guilty then or be hard on myself if this did not culminate into something more physcial. I am NOT sure whats going on with you.

Not trying to be cute...but maybe Catholic School guilt. So many things have made me feel guilty and i used to think i didn't even deserve my husband...till i truly looked at the situation and saw....

 

he and i both weren't perfect.

 

But i do regret that i had a EA. we do get good advise from the bible. and i will say that everything begins with a thought and our thoughts affect our hearts...lives and lead us to our actions. so turn your thoughts to something else besides him and start eliminating him from that place in your mind. because its there that all feelings gets stirred up from. so try thinking less and less about him and use cognitive therapy to get you thru this process..and a few prayers to guild you and give you strength

 

thank you for this. i think you are right... that i need to turn my thoughts to something else... and i do try to do this when i find myself thinking about him nostalgically.

 

but still, it arises sometimes and i don't know why. i think it must be mid-life hormonal changes.

 

i may need to talk to a therapist about it all.

[IfiKnewThen]

i do hope you find get peace and solace real soon.

 

I have been (sadly) in so many situations and am ashamed of them all..especially since they led to heart ache and have drastically changed my life including and above all harming me physically. (my health)

 

i don't know if you can relate to this at all, but i became friends with someone online once till we met in person. it was a LDR. anyway, this person was actually a flirt and kinda pushy and knew i was married...but took me places in my mind and heart that broke my vows...period.

 

i was angry at them b/c i took marriage seriously and i never thought anyone could break my resolve of who i was and understood myself to be. but he did. and it got personal when we were in person in real life. then i started subconsciously to keep going along with the madness so i wouldnt live in hate for him. i had to make sense of it all. and the only way i could do it was to continue to love him back. i thought loving him would be easier than hating him for changing me and making me break my own value system. yet i was also addicted to his friendship. he long gone out of my life now. but my time with him changed everything so much....i am still feeling the damaging effects. the people we sometimes think are friends are toxic poison in the long run.

[Rose Gael]

i do hope you find get peace and solace real soon.

 

I have been (sadly) in so many situations and am ashamed of them all..especially since they led to heart ache and have drastically changed my life including and above all harming me physically. (my health)

 

i don't know if you can relate to this at all, but i became friends with someone online once till we met in person. it was a LDR. anyway, this person was actually a flirt and kinda pushy and knew i was married...but took me places in my mind and heart that broke my vows...period.

 

i was angry at them b/c i took marriage seriously and i never thought anyone could break my resolve of who i was and understood myself to be. but he did. and it got personal when we were in person in real life. then i started subconsciously to keep going along with the madness so i wouldnt live in hate for him. i had to make sense of it all. and the only way i could do it was to continue to love him back. i thought loving him would be easier than hating him for changing me and making me break my own value system. yet i was also addicted to his friendship. he long gone out of my life now. but my time with him changed everything so much....i am still feeling the damaging effects. the people we sometimes think are friends are toxic poison in the long run.

 

very interesting insights. thank you. i suppose this is where some of my anger comes from - the fact that he "messed" with me, an attached woman, and caused me to call into question my entire resolve, and my own value system.

 

but as others have said, i am the only one accountable for my actions, not him, so i need to let go of the anger toward him and work on myself.

 

i hope you are in a better place now.

[Rose Gael]

Rose Gael,

 

Pointless to talk about the "aftermath" of an affair when the affair is not over yet.

 

 

It sounds like you're still in love with the OM. That's why you're angry at him. You're angry at him because he's moved on to a SO. You're still holding out hope, maybe just a fantasy, that somehow, someday, you and your affair partner might be "together" again, emotionally and physically. You don't want to burn that bridge, which is why you're so resistant to going NC with him.

 

In all the detailed posting you've done in this thread, I don't believe I saw one time where you asked what the morally and ethically right thing to do would be. I don't believe I saw one time where you asked what would be best for you to do with respect to your SO and your relationship with him.

 

You've cheated on your SO, you've lied to him, you continue to lie/conceal, and IMO since your EA continues with your affair partner, you continue to cheat on your SO. You can rationalize your "friendship" with the affair partner any way you please--it's still cheating, and you're still deceiving your SO about the nature of your relationship with the affair partner, and its history.

 

There's nothing more to be said.

 

Good luck with whatever it is you decide to do with your life.

 

actually, i was never "in love" with him - it was more of a spiritual connection thing. and while i do still have some feelings for him which i have acknowledged are wrong (and that i am working on), i could not be happier for his relationship. we ended our EA LONG before he met his SO. i am not jealous of her... i willingly met her and hung out with her. i like her a lot and am thrilled for him, as a friend, that he is happy. in fact, i am relieved he has a relationship... it forces me to look at him in a different way, even as i still struggle with my feelings sometimes.

 

my anger stems from something completely different. i am enraged that someone would mess with an attached woman.

 

but... i am trying to let go of that anger, because it is misplaced.

 

my original and subsequent posts have all dealt with the ethics of the situation. i would not be here if i did not believe that i were in an ethical quandary. i am trying to arrive at the right thing to do.

 

the EA has ceased. i do not know how many times i have to say that. there is nostalgia in my heart, which i am trying to deal with, but we are NOT carrying on any longer. we are, simply, friends.