How to cope with the aftermath of my intense EA?

[Rose Gael]

Okay, bear with me. This is embarrassing for me, even if none of you know who I am.

 

I am in a long term relationship and I am deeply in love with my partner. We have been together for over a decade. Sure, we have our ups and downs, and there have been a couple of traumatic moments when we weren't sure that we'd stay together, but we weathered those problems. For the most part, we have an ideal relationship. Granted, no relationship is perfect, and we still have to work on ours in some ways. But I love him very very dearly and deeply, and he loves me deeply too. We are quite happy together.

 

But a couple of years ago, I fell into a brief, but very intense, EA, with another, single man. It was extremely spiritual, as cheesy as that may sound. The EA was maintained online and by phone, as he lives abroad, but the phone calls were extremely romantic, and the e-mails extremely intensely spiritual.

 

I can't say I fell in love with this man, but I do know that I had intense, spiritual feelings for him, like nothing I had ever experienced, even with my partner.

 

Due to my relationship, we decided to end the EA (even though we never called it that), but we have remained friends. And by now, we have actually met (two times), and he is in a serious relationship currently. We have actually spent considerable time in each others' presence, and had a great time together, as friends. No physical contact has ever occurred between us, other than hugs.

 

I have many complicated feelings about this man, and this is a source of great despair for me.

 

On the one hand, I have a great affection for him as a friend. He is a lot of fun and has many great qualities. We are actually good friends now.

 

On the other hand, I feel resentment toward him because he knew I was in a long-term relationship when he and I carried on our EA. Even though I too am to blame for that, I feel very strongly that he should have had the fortitude to avoid getting involved with me romantically. So at times I feel very angry toward him for that. I love my significant other very much and I feel I was disrespected by this OM.

 

And then further complicating all of this is that I sometimes still have romantic feelings for the OM. Not all the time - a lot of the time I just have friendship feelings. But the romantic feelings arise when I least expect it. The EA was so intensely spiritual, that it has devastated me, in a way. I can't seem to get over it completely.

 

And I think that is why we have remained friends - the intense spirituality of the EA caused us to form a strong bond.

 

And then of course, I feel a lot of guilt about the EA. I love my significant other to the extremes and cannot believe I allowed myself to emotionally weaken to the point where I carried on with this OM. Even though it never got sexual... I did nurture sexual fantasies, and sometimes still do. Besides, an EA is a transgression in and of itself. I feel terrible for betraying my partner.

 

So my questions are: Am I wrong to maintain a friendship with the OM? We are purely friends now - any e-mail exchanges we have are very friendship-based. We even discuss our respective relationships. There is no romantic content, so I don't feel I am betraying my significant other in this way. But perhaps it is not fair to maintain this friendship given its past? If my significant other knew the whole story, I doubt he would favor my continuing the friendship.

 

And yet, I cannot imagine not being friends with this OM. It would break my heart if our friendship had to end.

 

But can our friendship survive if I do have these intermittent feelings of rage toward him for enabling me to fall into a romantic (albeit platonic) A with him? And am I being unreasonable in nurturing anger toward him for that? We're all fallible, after all, and I should blame myself above anyone else for my own failings.

 

And can I ever get over the romantic feelings I sometimes feel toward the OM? Are they merely nostalgic feelings, rooted in fantasy, or are they real and what is the impetus for them? Am I still betraying my significant other in occasionally still nurturing these feelings?

 

And was the spirituality of the EA so intense because of the awareness my long-term attachment? In other words, would the spirituality of the EA have been diminished or even present at all if I had not been in a relationship?

 

I know that's a lot of questions to ask, and of course there is more to this story, but this is as much as I feel comfortable conveying, and I would really appreciate any insights.

 

BTW, I have never had any other EAs during my relationship, and I have never sexually strayed from my significant other. When I was younger (and this may give some insights into my personality), I never really had any serious relationships, but I had tons of flings, many of them sexual. This is my first committed relationship.

 

Sorry so long.

[spriggig]

How old are you and your partner?

 

Any children?

 

What prompted you to seek advice now, has something changed recently?

 

Finally, what do you think would happen if you revealed this situation to your partner, and how would you feel about that?

[jnj express]

1st why are you not married??

 

2nd what is a spiritual relationship??

 

3rd, you have no reason to be pissed off at your AP----YOU, and only YOU are responsible for what YOU do.

 

You are the one cheating---at any time you could have said---this must end, and it would have ended---HAD YOU WANTED IT TO END

 

It should have never started, BUT YOU STARTED IT---so why are you pissed off at the other guy.

 

You need to cut it off right now----would you do these things in front of your S. O.----I think not, so you know what you need to do.

 

You are cheating, you have allowed another man into your life contra to what is the norm for a committed relationship.

 

It's time for all these games to stop, and its time for you to put the blame squarely where it belongs, and that is with YOU.

[jwi71]

On the other hand, I feel resentment toward him because he knew I was in a long-term relationship when he and I carried on our EA. Even though I too am to blame for that, I feel very strongly that he should have had the fortitude to avoid getting involved with me romantically. So at times I feel very angry toward him for that. I love my significant other very much and I feel I was disrespected by this OM.

 

I guess what I have the most problem with is your not owning your shyt.

Look, its NOT his fault. Its yours.

 

100% this is on you...YOU are responsible for your feelings, no one else.

You choose and nurtured this EA. Own it. Stop saying its his fault - its not ok.

 

As to going forward...don't. You are continuing to betray your partner by withholding the true nature of your R with this "friend". Block all forms of communication and have a hard, painful and very necessary talk with your partner.

 

You turned to the OM for a reason. Why? Do you know why? This is a question for you as an individual and for your partner as a couple. Explore it together.

[Rose Gael]

How old are you and your partner?

 

Any children?

 

What prompted you to seek advice now, has something changed recently?

 

Finally, what do you think would happen if you revealed this situation to your partner, and how would you feel about that?

 

We are in our late 30s.

 

No children, no plans for any.

 

I guess I just don't know how to handle the aftermath, which is why I am seeking advice. I continue to be upset about all aspects of it.

 

My partner would not be happy about it, for sure. And I would not blame him at all. But I have chosen not to tell him because I don't want him to suffer.

 

Our relationship is quite solid and it would be a lot of needless suffering on his part. I give him lots and lots of attention, always have, and I have learned my lesson. I won't be doing anything like this again.

 

As far as I know, he has not been involved in anything like this. He has normal urges like we all do, but he is faithful and honorable. Or so I believe. He has not given me reason to think otherwise.

 

I did a bad thing but the way I am compensating for it is by vowing never to do it again, and by showering love upon my SO. But then, as I said, I always have, and our relationship has always been quite solid, even during this time of transgression on my part.

 

I guess I just still feel so confused about it all.

[Rose Gael]

1st why are you not married??

 

2nd what is a spiritual relationship??

 

3rd, you have no reason to be pissed off at your AP----YOU, and only YOU are responsible for what YOU do.

 

You are the one cheating---at any time you could have said---this must end, and it would have ended---HAD YOU WANTED IT TO END

 

It should have never started, BUT YOU STARTED IT---so why are you pissed off at the other guy.

 

You need to cut it off right now----would you do these things in front of your S. O.----I think not, so you know what you need to do.

 

You are cheating, you have allowed another man into your life contra to what is the norm for a committed relationship.

 

It's time for all these games to stop, and its time for you to put the blame squarely where it belongs, and that is with YOU.

 

I am not sure your tone is really helping me out here, but I do appreciate your response and you have given me some things to think about.

 

If I accept full blame, how am I to proceed with the guilt? How do I process it and move forward?

[Rose Gael]

I guess what I have the most problem with is your not owning your shyt.

Look, its NOT his fault. Its yours.

 

100% this is on you...YOU are responsible for your feelings, no one else.

You choose and nurtured this EA. Own it. Stop saying its his fault - its not ok.

 

As to going forward...don't. You are continuing to betray your partner by withholding the true nature of your R with this "friend". Block all forms of communication and have a hard, painful and very necessary talk with your partner.

 

You turned to the OM for a reason. Why? Do you know why? This is a question for you as an individual and for your partner as a couple. Explore it together.

 

I agree I am responsible for my feelings. And I do own those. Perhaps I have not made that very clear.

 

I have no clue why I turned to the OM. Immaturity? Selfishness? Thrill seeking?

 

My relationship, like all, has gaps, but mostly it's a very good one. So I don't think relationship issues are why I turned to the OM.

 

I don't want my partner to suffer, so I have chosen not to tell him. I don't think we should, in all cases, expose these things. I ended it, and have vowed not to do it again. I learned my lesson.

 

As far as the friendship, I do struggle with that, but I also enjoy the friendship. Again, there is nothing romantic anymore about it. He is involved, and I am thoroughly committed to my SO.

 

So I am not sure why you think I should block all forms of communication with the OM if I feel certain not to fall back into the situation with him?

[Planofool]

I had to look twice to see if this was my wife writing this. Her contact with the OM lasted 25 years through letters and phone calls. I caught them when they had an EA session over the phone for 4 months. This was three years ago and it has drastically effected our marriage. Your partner will probably not like you still being in contact with him, I didn't.

 

I can also tell you that when he finds out about your frienship it will probably put a strain on your relationship. Tell him now and go NC with the OM.

I'm sure I didn't learn all the facts about my wife and the OM but "just friends" is what I was told they were. Once I started finding all his love letters from the past it was obvious he thought more of her than a friend. He also got married and divorced in that time frame but always professed his love to my wife.

You are fooling yourself if you think he can just be your friend.

[Untouchable_Fire]

We are in our late 30s.

No children, no plans for any.

I guess I just don't know how to handle the aftermath, which is why I am seeking advice. I continue to be upset about all aspects of it.

My partner would not be happy about it, for sure. And I would not blame him at all. But I have chosen not to tell him because I don't want him to suffer.

Our relationship is quite solid and it would be a lot of needless suffering on his part. I give him lots and lots of attention, always have, and I have learned my lesson. I won't be doing anything like this again.

As far as I know, he has not been involved in anything like this. He has normal urges like we all do, but he is faithful and honorable. Or so I believe. He has not given me reason to think otherwise.

I did a bad thing but the way I am compensating for it is by vowing never to do it again, and by showering love upon my SO. But then, as I said, I always have, and our relationship has always been quite solid, even during this time of transgression on my part.

I guess I just still feel so confused about it all.

 

 

I don't think you can be friends with this guy anymore without further jeopardizing your current relationship. You may need to cut all contact.

 

I don't understand how you could have conducted this long term EA and not had your SO notice. I would consider that to be troubling.

 

If you choose to continue contact and be "friends"... how do you plan to keep from falling into this again?

[Rose Gael]

I don't think you can be friends with this guy anymore without further jeopardizing your current relationship. You may need to cut all contact.

 

I don't understand how you could have conducted this long term EA and not had your SO notice. I would consider that to be troubling.

 

If you choose to continue contact and be "friends"... how do you plan to keep from falling into this again?

 

But it is not an EA anymore. It was very briefly, then we ended it due to my relationship. And now we are really truly just friends. Yes, I do still have romantic feelings for him from time to time. But mostly I have friendship feelings. I think the romantic feelings are simply nostalgic and fantasy-based. In reality I don't want to be with him. We have been alone together on several occasions and nothing happened, nor did we feel tempted toward that. We are first and foremost friends. The EA could be characterized as a romantic friendship. And now it's just a friendship.

 

I have vowed not to let anything else happen, and so it won't. And he seems very devoted to his current relationship. We are friends only.

 

My SO knows I am friends with another guy, but he doesn't know about our past EA. And I don't think I should tell him. It was an intense situation that dissipated and evolved into friendship.

 

The reason I am talking about it is because I am still confused about why it happened, and other aspects of it, as discussed in my original post.

[Rose Gael]

I had to look twice to see if this was my wife writing this. Her contact with the OM lasted 25 years through letters and phone calls. I caught them when they had an EA session over the phone for 4 months. This was three years ago and it has drastically effected our marriage. Your partner will probably not like you still being in contact with him, I didn't.

 

I can also tell you that when he finds out about your frienship it will probably put a strain on your relationship. Tell him now and go NC with the OM.

I'm sure I didn't learn all the facts about my wife and the OM but "just friends" is what I was told they were. Once I started finding all his love letters from the past it was obvious he thought more of her than a friend. He also got married and divorced in that time frame but always professed his love to my wife.

You are fooling yourself if you think he can just be your friend.

 

He knows we are friends, but he doesn't know about the previous phase of the friendship...i.e, the romantic friendship, which has ended.

 

We never wrote love letters to each other... it was more spiritual and coded. It's hard to explain, but we never professed love to each other.

 

He doesn't flirt with me nor do we carry on romantically in any way. When we e-mail, it's about other more mundane things, or we may even discuss our respective relationships.

 

So your wife carried on with him for four months, then they were friends for 25 years after that? Or am I misreading?

 

Edit: I just re-read what you wrote, and I do see I misunderstood. Your wife knew this man for 25 years as friends and three years ago had a four-month EA with him. Is this right?

[Owl]

But it is not an EA anymore. It was very briefly, then we ended it due to my relationship.

 

Wrong. You just stopped talking about it then. You admit you still have "feelings" for this OM. Ergo, the EA continues.

 

Once you've crossed the line emotionally, you can never go back to "just friends".

 

Nor is it fair to your partner that you're still in contact with the person you emotionally cheated on him with.

 

 

 

My SO knows I am friends with another guy, but he doesn't know about our past EA. And I don't think I should tell him. It was an intense situation that dissipated and evolved into friendship.

 

As I said above...do you believe it's fair to your partner to maintain a friendship based on the lie by ommission...do you think it's fair to your partner not to know about the feelings you had (and still intermittenly have) for OM...would he still support this 'friendship' in light of this knowledge?

 

The reason I am talking about it is because I am still confused about why it happened, and other aspects of it, as discussed in my original post.

 

I'd suggest that you remove your focus from "why it happened" and instead focus on "what's the right thing to do NOW".

 

From your partner's viewpoint, he'll won't see this as an affair that happened a while ago and has been a friendship ever since...he'll see this as an ongoing betrayal for as long as he's kept in the dark about the true nature of your relationship with OM.

[Rose Gael]

Wrong. You just stopped talking about it then. You admit you still have "feelings" for this OM. Ergo, the EA continues.

 

Once you've crossed the line emotionally, you can never go back to "just friends".

 

Nor is it fair to your partner that you're still in contact with the person you emotionally cheated on him with.

 

 

 

 

As I said above...do you believe it's fair to your partner to maintain a friendship based on the lie by ommission...do you think it's fair to your partner not to know about the feelings you had (and still intermittenly have) for OM...would he still support this 'friendship' in light of this knowledge?

 

 

 

I'd suggest that you remove your focus from "why it happened" and instead focus on "what's the right thing to do NOW".

 

From your partner's viewpoint, he'll won't see this as an affair that happened a while ago and has been a friendship ever since...he'll see this as an ongoing betrayal for as long as he's kept in the dark about the true nature of your relationship with OM.

 

Thank you very much for your frank response. You have given me a lot to think about.

 

I don't know if I would characterize it as an EA at this point, since my feelings are mostly friendship-based. I think the romantic feelings that arise simply do because of nostalgia.

 

We are friends in a group with other people, and we all have a lot of fun together when we meet up (about once a year now).

 

But I do see your point that the emotion I still periodically feel for the OM could be construed as a betrayal.

 

Cutting of friendship with him, however, would prove very difficult. I would say this about ANY good friendship I have.

 

I guess my wish is to get beyond the romantic nostalgia altogether, and I am not sure cutting off the friendship would solve that. It might make things worse for me. The friendship actually helps me see him in a different light than I had previously, if that makes sense.

 

So I am not convinced that NC is the way to go, and I do not mean this to sound selfish, although some will undoubtedly see it as such.

 

I just wish I knew how to stop having any feelings for him other than pure friendship, like I do with my other friends.

 

More than anything, I do cherish my relationship with my SO, and so if he did find out and want me to cease contact with my friend, I would. However, I do not plan on telling him what happened; I don't think we should ALWAYS confess such things. I think each situation merits its own response and way of dealing. I think this would cause needless suffering for my SO, and I want to shield him from that. I have determined never to go down this path again.

 

Over time my romantic feelings for my friend have subsided, and hopefully they will continue to subside.

Edited July 16, 2010 by Rose Gael

[Rose Gael]

 

From your partner's viewpoint, he'll won't see this as an affair that happened a while ago and has been a friendship ever since...he'll see this as an ongoing betrayal for as long as he's kept in the dark about the true nature of your relationship with OM.

 

That's a very salient point and gives me a lot of pause.

[Planofool]

Owl said it better than I could. He will see it as you cheating on him.

 

To clear things up, my wife had dated this guy before we met. She then stayed in touch for 25 yrs. He called with problems and one thing led to another and 4 months later I'm looking at our phone bill going who the hell in Texas is so important that you have to talk to them for hours at a time?

 

I was kept in the dark for 25 yrs. Your man isn't going to like it when he finds out your friend is more than a friend. I got lied to every time he called over all those years. It just won't sit well with your man.

 

As Owl says;

 

 

"Once you've crossed the line emotionally, you can never go back to "just friends".

 

"Nor is it fair to your partner that you're still in contact with the person you emotionally cheated on him with."

 

If I found out they were in contact again, one of us would be hittin the door.

[Rose Gael]

Owl said it better than I could. He will see it as you cheating on him.

 

To clear things up, my wife had dated this guy before we met. She then stayed in touch for 25 yrs. He called with problems and one thing led to another and 4 months later I'm looking at our phone bill going who the hell in Texas is so important that you have to talk to them for hours at a time?

 

I was kept in the dark for 25 yrs. Your man isn't going to like it when he finds out your friend is more than a friend. I got lied to every time he called over all those years. It just won't sit well with your man.

 

As Owl says;

 

 

"Once you've crossed the line emotionally, you can never go back to "just friends".

 

"Nor is it fair to your partner that you're still in contact with the person you emotionally cheated on him with."

 

If I found out they were in contact again, one of us would be hittin the door.

 

I am still confused about your scenario, though. You all have been married for how long, exactly? You said this EA happened three years ago, yet you have been kept in the dark for 25 years. Do you mean that you did not know she was in touch with him after you all got married? And obviously you have been married for over 25 years to her? Sorry, I still don't completely understand. Maybe I am misreading or just dense.

 

That said, I am sorry it happened to you and I understand your pain.

 

The thing is, how do you cut off a friendship that is otherwise going okay? Usually we cut off friends because we are not happy with how the friendship is progressing, or that friend stabbed us in the back, etc.

 

My friendship with this guy is a real one. As I said, my SO knows about it.

 

True, he does not know all phases of it.

 

But how do I just cut off the friendship, for no real reason other than at one time he and I were more involved and it constituted a betrayal of my SO?

 

We have moved beyond the EA into solid friendship. I would have a hard time cutting off my other good friends, and the same with this one. It would break my heart to have to do so.

 

I do see all your points about the ongoing betrayal part, but the way I have attempted to compensate for the betrayal is by vowing never to do that again, and by showering as much genuine affection on my SO as possible, which I have always done anyway. But I have a renewed commitment to him in light of all this.

 

Do you see that it's maybe more complicated than just having NC whatsoever with my friend? He is genuinely my friend, just as the others in our group are our friends. I think if I cut off the friendship I might suffer quite a bit, and my relationship would suffer as well. And the idea here is for the relationship not to suffer.

[Rose Gael]

I really truly appreciate everyone's insights into all this.

 

I am especially heartened that most/all of the responses have come from males.

 

Males are unfairly characterized in society. There are a lot of honorable ones. :-)

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you very much for your frank response. You have given me a lot to think about.

I don't know if I would characterize it as an EA at this point, since my feelings are mostly friendship-based. I think the romantic feelings that arise simply do because of nostalgia.

We are friends in a group with other people, and we all have a lot of fun together when we meet up (about once a year now).

But I do see your point that the emotion I still periodically feel for the OM could be construed as a betrayal.

 

RG, I have to agree with Owl on this.

 

Because you still reminisce about your previous feelings for him... and some of the things you have said to each other... I would classify this as an ongoing betrayal.

 

Also... you seem unwilling to give up your friendship with him, despite the fact that it may compromise your current relationship. Do you value this relationship more than the one you have with your SO?

 

Cutting of friendship with him, however, would prove very difficult. I would say this about ANY good friendship I have.

I guess my wish is to get beyond the romantic nostalgia altogether, and I am not sure cutting off the friendship would solve that. It might make things worse for me. The friendship actually helps me see him in a different light than I had previously, if that makes sense.

So I am not convinced that NC is the way to go, and I do not mean this to sound selfish, although some will undoubtedly see it as such.

 

What do you mean by difficult?

 

Is there a chance that you simply not willing to give it up because the potential that exists for a romantic relationship?

 

Have you ever struggled with commitment issues?

 

I just wish I knew how to stop having any feelings for him other than pure friendship, like I do with my other friends.

More than anything, I do cherish my relationship with my SO, and so if he did find out and want me to cease contact with my friend, I would. However, I do not plan on telling him what happened; I don't think we should ALWAYS confess such things. I think each situation merits its own response and way of dealing. I think this would cause needless suffering for my SO, and I want to shield him from that. I have determined never to go down this path again.

Over time my romantic feelings for my friend have subsided, and hopefully they will continue to subside.

 

No, I would say that over time your paths have lead you in different directions. Should that change you would begin to grow closer again.

 

I just get this sense that your not 100% happy with your current relationship.

[jenngem]

The thing is, how do you cut off a friendship that is otherwise going okay? Usually we cut off friends because we are not happy with how the friendship is progressing, or that friend stabbed us in the back, etc.

 

My friendship with this guy is a real one. As I said, my SO knows about it.

 

True, he does not know all phases of it.

 

But how do I just cut off the friendship, for no real reason other than at one time he and I were more involved and it constituted a betrayal of my SO?

 

We have moved beyond the EA into solid friendship. I would have a hard time cutting off my other good friends, and the same with this one. It would break my heart to have to do so.

 

I do see all your points about the ongoing betrayal part, but the way I have attempted to compensate for the betrayal is by vowing never to do that again, and by showering as much genuine affection on my SO as possible, which I have always done anyway. But I have a renewed commitment to him in light of all this.

 

Do you see that it's maybe more complicated than just having NC whatsoever with my friend? He is genuinely my friend, just as the others in our group are our friends. I think if I cut off the friendship I might suffer quite a bit, and my relationship would suffer as well. And the idea here is for the relationship not to suffer.

 

I really really think you are fooling yourself with this friendship issue. If it was an uncomplicated friendship, you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

 

I have been there. I had an extremely, overwhelmingly intense EA with someone four years ago, and I was in a relationship at the time. I had met OM once before, five years prior to that, and felt the same extremely intense spiritual and emotional connection. I have never experienced anything like it, before or since. Neither had he.

 

We were both in relationships, so we acknowledged the reaction we had to each other and then broke off contact. I literally cried for a week, and was crying in my office every day. It felt like mourning someone who had died. He was constantly (and I mean constantly) on my mind for the following six monhts. After a few months we had some email contact (we both missed each other immensely) and then broke it off again. We briefly went through the delusion of let's be friends (both knowing that this was impossible). It took me absolute ages to get over it all.

 

You ask how do you cut it off? You explain the situation to the OM, and why you need to cut it. Then prepare yourself to wait it out.... because IT IS heartbreaking, but NOT because it's a friendship!! And the fact that you have had an EA with him, and feel the need to post about it here, is reason enough to break it off as long as you're in a relationship.

 

Why would the relationship suffer if you cut off the friendship??

 

Good luck

[kevinm1019]

I really really think you are fooling yourself with this friendship issue. If it was an uncomplicated friendship, you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

 

I have been there. I had an extremely, overwhelmingly intense EA with someone four years ago, and I was in a relationship at the time. I had met OM once before, five years prior to that, and felt the same extremely intense spiritual and emotional connection. I have never experienced anything like it, before or since. Neither had he.

 

We were both in relationships, so we acknowledged the reaction we had to each other and then broke off contact. I literally cried for a week, and was crying in my office every day. It felt like mourning someone who had died. He was constantly (and I mean constantly) on my mind for the following six monhts. After a few months we had some email contact (we both missed each other immensely) and then broke it off again. We briefly went through the delusion of let's be friends (both knowing that this was impossible). It took me absolute ages to get over it all.

 

You ask how do you cut it off? You explain the situation to the OM, and why you need to cut it. Then prepare yourself to wait it out.... because IT IS heartbreaking, but NOT because it's a friendship!! And the fact that you have had an EA with him, and feel the need to post about it here, is reason enough to break it off as long as you're in a relationship.

 

Why would the relationship suffer if you cut off the friendship??

 

Good luck

Rose... look... the bottom line is you need to get to the root of why you felt the need to reach out to OM and talk to your husband about it... or chances are... you are at high risk of this happening again. The truth of the matter is if you thought of sexual intimacy with the OM... it would've eventually happened under the right circumstances with the right timing for both of you. If you really want to grow from this experience and address the character/relationship issues within yourself and your marriage... you have to start off by being honest with yourself. This is not a case of you not understanding what you were getting yourself into or not understanding the potential outcome by engaging the OM and meeting with him. The truth is the idea of something new and different excited you... the excitement and risk of getting caught may have been thrilling but you compromised your morals, showed little respect for yourself... your husband... and allowed another man who was cheating on his wife... lead you to believe his intentions were good with you. If you continue to wear a mask of being misunderstood or not understanding the situation you were putting yourself in... you are only fooling yourself and continuing to demonstrate your lack of commitment to your relationship. A mistake is an event or action a person commits because he or she did not understand the outcome. If you truly love your husband/SO... you need to sit down with him and help him understand the challenges within you and your relationship and try to work through them with him. You need to be honest... forthcoming... and open with yourself and your husband in order to move past this and grow from this. Will he be upset? Of course... would you be under the same circumstances? The question is... how are you going to take positive and proactive steps to address the issues within yourself and your marriage to move forward in a positive, proactive and healthy way to grow from your experience?

[Rose Gael]

RG, I have to agree with Owl on this.

 

Because you still reminisce about your previous feelings for him... and some of the things you have said to each other... I would classify this as an ongoing betrayal.

 

Also... you seem unwilling to give up your friendship with him, despite the fact that it may compromise your current relationship. Do you value this relationship more than the one you have with your SO?

 

 

 

What do you mean by difficult?

 

Is there a chance that you simply not willing to give it up because the potential that exists for a romantic relationship?

 

Have you ever struggled with commitment issues?

 

 

 

No, I would say that over time your paths have lead you in different directions. Should that change you would begin to grow closer again.

 

I just get this sense that your not 100% happy with your current relationship.

 

I think reminiscing is natural, though. I think I would do it whether or not I was still friends with this man. I think it can take a very long time to get over such a situation. I do try to limit the reminiscing when it arises. But I can't help when it does arise. I try not to indulge it too much when I become aware of it.

 

But I do see your point that it could constitute an ongoing betrayal. I am trying to work with it.

 

I don't think my CURRENT friendship with him compromises my relationship, since my SO knows about our friendship. And, as I said, I would give up the friendship if my SO wanted me to. Of course I value my relationship with my SO more than the friendship with the OM. I wouldn't still be with him if I didn't. I would have fully pursued the EA. But I didn't. I was in agony over it, which is why we cut it off and I stayed with my SO. In fact, there was never a question of me leaving my SO. Ever.

 

It would be difficult to cut off the friendship because we are friends. I don't know how much more plainly to put it. Just because he is a male doesn't mean I think of him only in terms of romance. I think of him as a true friend. Doesn't mean that it's not complicated, because as I have already illustrated, it is. But just as I would have a hard time cutting off my friendship with my other good friends, I would have a difficult time cutting off this one. We are good friends, plainly put. Our friendship evolved from our EA, true, but now it is just that: a friendship.

 

I don't want romance with this man, in reality. He has many good traits, but my SO is way better in all regards. I see that very clearly. I love my SO very deeply, always have, and likely always will, regardless of what happens between us.

 

When I say I still have feelings for my friend, what I think I mean, though I cannot be sure, is that I reminisce and become nostalgic for what was between us. What is between us now is friendship. If I look at the friendship elements, I don't feel attraction.

 

I think I AM very happy in my relationship, actually. Yes, there are flaws, as in all relationships. But we are quite happy. Maybe there are underlying things that I am not discerning addressing, I dunno. But I do know that my love for my SO is very very intense. I would die for him.

 

I think the problem is ME. I think *I* have issues. Not the relationship.

 

I am trying to get at the bottom of those issues. I think I must suffer from low self-esteem? (We all do, to a degree.)

 

Maybe I like the attention and the thrill? After all, before my current relationship, I had many flings and did not commit to anyone. I guess I liked the fun it all entailed. Maybe I am going through some sort of mid-life thing, as cliche as it sounds.

 

My SO is wonderful. The issue is not him, it's me.

[Rose Gael]

I really really think you are fooling yourself with this friendship issue. If it was an uncomplicated friendship, you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

 

I have been there. I had an extremely, overwhelmingly intense EA with someone four years ago, and I was in a relationship at the time. I had met OM once before, five years prior to that, and felt the same extremely intense spiritual and emotional connection. I have never experienced anything like it, before or since. Neither had he.

 

We were both in relationships, so we acknowledged the reaction we had to each other and then broke off contact. I literally cried for a week, and was crying in my office every day. It felt like mourning someone who had died. He was constantly (and I mean constantly) on my mind for the following six monhts. After a few months we had some email contact (we both missed each other immensely) and then broke it off again. We briefly went through the delusion of let's be friends (both knowing that this was impossible). It took me absolute ages to get over it all.

 

You ask how do you cut it off? You explain the situation to the OM, and why you need to cut it. Then prepare yourself to wait it out.... because IT IS heartbreaking, but NOT because it's a friendship!! And the fact that you have had an EA with him, and feel the need to post about it here, is reason enough to break it off as long as you're in a relationship.

 

Why would the relationship suffer if you cut off the friendship??

 

Good luck

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Interesting that you have had a similar experience. I guess there are millions of situations like this.

 

I agree it's a complicated friendship... and there were times I didn't want to be in the friendship at all. But it has actually gotten better in some regards, and the fact that he has SO now has helped me see him in a different light. I still nurture intimate fantasies sometimes, but I think that's just a nostalgia thing, as I said.

 

The heartbreak over the loss of the friendship would be two-fold: I would no longer have contact with someone that I once was intensely, spiritually attracted to, and I would no longer have contact with someone whom I have come to consider a good friend.

 

The EA alone is a good reason to cut it off, I agree, but we have evolved into good friends. And we have no reason to cut off our friendship based on the friendship aspect of it. If we'd never had an EA, we wouldn't have reason to cut off the friendship, so why should we just because we once did have an EA but now it's over?

 

My relationship would suffer because I would be cutting off a good friend and despairing about it, and yet not able to tell my SO WHY I was despairing.

[Rose Gael]

Rose... look... the bottom line is you need to get to the root of why you felt the need to reach out to OM and talk to your husband about it... or chances are... you are at high risk of this happening again. The truth of the matter is if you thought of sexual intimacy with the OM... it would've eventually happened under the right circumstances with the right timing for both of you. If you really want to grow from this experience and address the character/relationship issues within yourself and your marriage... you have to start off by being honest with yourself. This is not a case of you not understanding what you were getting yourself into or not understanding the potential outcome by engaging the OM and meeting with him. The truth is the idea of something new and different excited you... the excitement and risk of getting caught may have been thrilling but you compromised your morals, showed little respect for yourself... your husband... and allowed another man who was cheating on his wife... lead you to believe his intentions were good with you. If you continue to wear a mask of being misunderstood or not understanding the situation you were putting yourself in... you are only fooling yourself and continuing to demonstrate your lack of commitment to your relationship. A mistake is an event or action a person commits because he or she did not understand the outcome. If you truly love your husband/SO... you need to sit down with him and help him understand the challenges within you and your relationship and try to work through them with him. You need to be honest... forthcoming... and open with yourself and your husband in order to move past this and grow from this. Will he be upset? Of course... would you be under the same circumstances? The question is... how are you going to take positive and proactive steps to address the issues within yourself and your marriage to move forward in a positive, proactive and healthy way to grow from your experience?

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I am trying to grow from this experience, truly. I agree I have been deluding myself... and perhaps I was indeed pursuing the OM for the novelty aspect, and because it felt good. It felt thrilling, and spiritually uplifting.

 

I don't think it will happen again, though, with this person, or with anyone else. I am quite certain it won't happen again with this person, as I think he may be getting married to his SO. He is fully committed to her and makes no overtures to me.

 

And I am not in "need" of another such situation. I am perfectly content with my SO and not seeking anything beyond our relationship.

 

BUT you are right that I need to be honest with myself.

 

Why do think I need to be open with my SO about it though? If I have vowed never to do it again... shouldn't that suffice? I don't want him to needlessly suffer.

[freestyle]

You said in your first post that you evolved into just being "very good friends".

 

And that you discuss your relationship with your primary partner with him.

 

That action, right there, is one of the defining aspects of an EA. Once you begin to confide in a third party about your marriage, or relationship, you are creating and maintaining an intimate bond.

 

please think very hard about how you feel if you discovered your partner was discussing your relationship, your most intimate, private, things---with another woman who was, "just a friend." Would you feel betrayed? Would you feel like your secrets were no longer safe with your partner? Would you feel like you were being put on trial when you weren't present to speak your side of the story?...please, just think about it, honestly. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

Any friendship that undermines a primary relationship, and is not fully disclosed to a partner, is an EA.

[Rose Gael]

You said in your first post that you evolved into just being "very good friends".

 

And that you discuss your relationship with your primary partner with him.

 

That action, right there, is one of the defining aspects of an EA. Once you begin to confide in a third party about your marriage, or relationship, you are creating and maintaining an intimate bond.

 

please think very hard about how you feel if you discovered your partner was discussing your relationship, your most intimate, private, things---with another woman who was, "just a friend." Would you feel betrayed? Would you feel like your secrets were no longer safe with your partner? Would you feel like you were being put on trial when you weren't present to speak your side of the story?...please, just think about it, honestly. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

Any friendship that undermines a primary relationship, and is not fully disclosed to a partner, is an EA.

 

I have not made myself very clear.

 

We only talk in VERY GENERAL terms about our relationships, among many other things. I do not disclose any secrets about our relationship to my friend. I just used that as an example of some of the things we talk about when we talk... which is not that often, really.

 

I just meant to use that as an example of how our friendship has evolved over time... from an intense coded romantic friendship to a more general one, in which we share a range of things, just like any friends do. We do not share intimate info about our respective relationships.