ouch Posted February 7, 2004 Posted February 7, 2004 my boyfriend lives with me in my apartment ( i pay all the rent and utilities, etc.). we've been together for a year and a half. i love my bf (we actually do have some good times) but sometimes i feel like we need to break up. i feel like i'm being taken advantage of, like maybe all i'm good for to him is a place to stay for free and someone to take his agressions out on. we haven't been spending as much time together as we used to and i just feel like i'm sitting around waiting for him to figure his life out. it seems like he's frequently getting annoyed and mad about things that are so unimportant. he's been drinking very much. one day he's perfect, the next he's all moody and strange. little things just set him off and we end up getting into arguments. we've been through so many obstacles together and breaking up seems like such a waste of the last year and a half that we've been together. there is also a lot more to our situation than i can type right now. last weekend we went out to a restaurant with some friends. we had drinks, he got drunk, he got obnoxious, (the waitress even called him a "whiner". we got into a fight after we left. our friends were following us in their car. i told him to get out of my car and in the heat of the moment we kinda broke up. i took off and left him with his friends and drove 20 miles back to my apartment alone. his friends gave him a ride back and he got his car and left. he came back about an hour later and begged me all night not to break up with him, but i wouldn't speak to him. i told him i was going to pack his things and they'd be ready from him when he got off work. he didn't come back from work and i didn't hear from him until the next day when i went looking for him and found him at his friend's house. he said he didn't wanna come back to my apartment and find his things all packed up. he said he didn't want me to break up with him. i guess i felt sorry for him and told him i wasn't going to break up with him. i just comes down to the fact that he's been drinking too much and he has his priorities so mixed up and i don't know what else to do to help him. counseling is definitely out of the question for him. he won't go for that. i just feel so lost right now. i don't know what to do. i feel so alone. whenever i try to talk to him about this, he won't talk about it. i feel as though i'm in a "no win" situation. i feel like i'm being used. what do you think?
TEETER Posted February 7, 2004 Posted February 7, 2004 Wow, that's quite the situation you are in. I guess you need to figure out if you really want to be with him or not. If you do you guys need to have a serious talk about his drinking, and helping you out with the bills. He lives there too, and he should have a little responsibility he shouldn't get it all for free. If you don't want to be with him, don't not break up with him because you don't want to feel bad. You deserve someone that's going to treat you the way that you treat them, and don't let anyone walk over you, it kinda sounds like what your guy is doing. Good luck and I hope you get this all figured out.
carla Posted February 7, 2004 Posted February 7, 2004 His name isn't John is it? Wow reading your post I had day javu. I can't tell you what to do, that is your choice. You do deserve better. A realtionship that involves substance abuse is a 3 way relationship not 2. Believe me when I say it takes a lot to compete with a bottle of booze. I'm not telling you to kick him to the curb that is your choice, but when I was in the situation "John " got the boot and I was better for it. Good Luck.
Vivid_29 Posted February 7, 2004 Posted February 7, 2004 Ouch -- How old is he? Are you older than him? Does he have a job? It sounds like you are taking care of a child! First off, this man needs to get some responsibility and help you with the rent and utilities! I can't stand freeloaders! It's all up to you. If you feel you can save this man, sit down and talk to him, and try and get him some help. If he doesn't want to help himself, then you know what you need to do -- cherish the memories and kick his a$$ to the curb! ~V
befuddled11 Posted February 8, 2004 Posted February 8, 2004 Why do you think it is, that you're living with a guy who doesn't pay his fair share (half) of the rent and utilities? Better question, why would you allow a guy to get away with this? You're being a doormat, and he likely doesn't have much respect for you because of that. Doesn't he work? You mentioned he does.....so then why are you footing the bill for everything? What is wrong with this picture?
amerikajin Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 As usual, I agree with Vivid. It sounds like you're playing the role of momma, and that's the last thing a woman (a pretty one, if I may say so myself) wants to do. I think you're beginning to feel like you're doing all the work in the relationship and he's just along for the ride. I can't tell you what to do as far as breaking up goes, but if you want to stay together, you've got to start demanding some changes. As always, be careful about how you do it. Underneath our well-toned pectorals we've got very fragile egos, so you have to be sensitive to that as much as possible. Don't raise your voice or make sarcastic or cutting remarks, but just be direct and tell him that things have to change if there's to be a future with you two. Tell him that you want an equal partner, and that means that he has to start sharing in the responsibilities. While I'm at it...can I ask why you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of in the first place? Not trying to be nosey but it might also help you to understand why you have found yourself in this situation.
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 If you have talked to him before about what's been bothering you and he's refusing or saying that he'll change but doesn't, then its a sign that the future isn't bright for your relationship with him. I've always thought a relationship needs to be 50/50. Its important not to only feel like you are contributing, but also that you are being respected and getting that same about of contribution back. With his drinking problem, sounds like he needs to goto AA. If you are going to break up with him, just don't say it, or threaten him with it, without going through with it. Otherwise it'll just be words to him, and he knows he'll always gets to come back. You need to give us a little more info. on your background w/ him for us to help you through this.
doniker Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel With his drinking problem, sounds like he needs to goto AA. why is it people think AA is the cure for people that drink too much? I grew up with all alcoholics and went through Alanon ans Alateen. AA is just a bunch of sober drunks sitting around wanting a drink and unless you want help it's a waste of everybody's time. It's a joke how the court sends drunk drivers to AA....unless you want to be there and want to quit drinking the meetings are useless.
Author ouch Posted February 9, 2004 Author Posted February 9, 2004 i thank everyone for their insight on my situation. i do feel like a doormat and a crutch. anyway, to answer some of everyones questions... yes, i am older. i really dont know why i let our relationship go on this far. in a way, it does kinda seem like i'm playing mommy to him. yes, he does work, but he spends all his money right when he gets paid. he even has bills that he's very behind on, and i know that's not my problem. we used to put our money together in the same bank account, but we dont do that anymore. we found out that doesnt work for us. the more that time goes on, the more i see his selfishness. he even admits it. he's even jealous that he has to pay taxes and i'm getting a tax return. he buys me things once in awhile, but i know that doesn't make up for not paying part of the rent, etc... we're supposed to go away for the weekend (i'm not paying for everything). maybe then we can get a chance to talk about this. actually he's a little bit "off" in the head, he used to take manic depressant medication, he needs to get back on it. i think his mind is all screwed all up and he is using alcohol to try to cope. he also quit using drugs 5 months ago and i was the one who helped him through it all. it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life, maybe for him too. whenever we go out with friends, alcohol is always there. i always wonder how he got this far, how he has so many friends. he has some sort of magnet attraction to people, but i'm coming to the conclusion that he's fake. he puts on his little charm in front of people and uses his good looks. he needs attention from everyone. i think that he thinks everything needs to go his way. like the world revolves around him. he isn't completely considering my part in all this though. he's supposed to move out in june or july (to be closer to his work and he's starting college again). i think im just gonna let this ride until then. our relationship does have good points to it though. maybe i've been trying to block out the bad things while looking at the good things. i dont want to kick him to the curb. ive tried it, and all i do is miss him. i dont know why. sounds like i really dont know what im doing. sounds like im being ignorant. im trying to figure it out though. i think part of the reason i'm letting all this bother me is because i have other problems going on right now. like with my mom and my ex husband. im letting it all crash down on me and its time to talk to someone about this. i wish everyone could be considerate and peaceful and unselfish... i wish i didn't need to wish...
amerikajin Posted February 10, 2004 Posted February 10, 2004 I think you've assessed your own situation quite well. You seem to know what his problems are and where you two stand in your relationship. The only thing you have left to decide is whether or not you want to continue with him, and if not, how you want to end it. You could wait until the summer to let things end naturally, and that might be the best thing to do if he does go forward with his plans. If he doesn't move out, though, you might just want to end it yourself around that time. In the meantime, you can use this time to try to get him to see where you are in the relationship. What would you say your romantic interest is in him at this point?
Ninja Extrordinaire Posted February 13, 2004 Posted February 13, 2004 he got drunk, he got obnoxious, (the waitress even called him a "whiner". we got into a fight after we left. our friends were following us in their car. i told him to get out of my car and in the heat of the moment we kinda broke up. i took off and left him with his friends and drove 20 miles back to my apartment alone. his friends gave him a ride back and he got his car and left. Just to interject, You won't have to worry about him much longer if he keeps drinking and driving.
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