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Nasty marriage and divorce and perceptions of remarriage

Crazy Magnet

By Crazy Magnet
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Crazy Magnet Established Member

Crazy Magnet

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I have never really gone into extreme details on this board about how horrible my exH was and how awful the entire marriage and divorce process was for me. It rocked my boat for years, and to an extent it still does.

 

When I think about my future I picture it with a husband and children. I want a partner there with me for the rest of my life. I am happy in a relationship (and especially the one I am currently in.) My BF talks about marriage and I am able, to some extent, to discuss it in return.

 

However, when I really sit down and think about it, about actually getting engaged, walking down the isle, and promising to work through everything with another person forever, I really freak out emotionally. All those horrible memories come back and frankly it scares me to death to think of going through it all again.

 

I've been divorced more than four years. I went through more than two years of weekly therapy and it helped me so much. I can cope with the emotional anxiety when it crops up and calm myself down after a while, but I'm so tired of it. I don't know if it will ever go away. If just the thoughts produce an internal freak out then what is the real thing going to do?

 

Is anybody else out there like this? So traumatized that years later you still have little emotional freak out moments? Any suggestions on how to make them go away?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Why not try some therapy again, and/or suggest PMC to BF if you're thinking of becoming engaged and that thought causes recurrent fears?

 

IMO, accept that you will have 'freak out' moments and learn to process them in a different way, a way which promotes greater intimacy with your BF. IOW, 'look at them with different eyes'. You're in charge of that. Resolve to only do it once and see through the fear to reality of the here and now. Try it :)

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Yes!! After the first marriage, I went through a period of uncertainty about ever wanting to do it again. There didn't seem to be any real purpose to marriage as it related to me, although I still believed in marriage as an institution.

 

After falling in love with H., then his quick proposal, I still went through moments of freaking out wondering if I was doing the right thing not doubting his love but whether I really wanted to get reshackled. Each time I had a little freak fit, I would think hard about how much we loved each other and what a wonderful man he is so that helped.

 

And then we got pregnant and there wasn't time to freak out. Best decision ever to continue onwards and not let past fears dominate today.

 

So focus on how different your man is from the ex. Focus on how different your relationship is, compared to your previous marriage. Focus on your love for each other.

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Crazy Magnet Established Member

Crazy Magnet

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Rationally I can see that this relationship and my marriage are night and day, black and white, up and down...whatever is the complete opposite of each other. Emotionally little thoughts creep up like "Well the ExH ******* was this convincing too...*insert evil cackling*" and that's hard to deal with. I know it's not a rational thought, but it's still there.

 

I also worry about what would happen to me if I made another gigantic marriage mistake. Last time my mom was still alive to literally come and rescue me halfway across the country. But in the years since she has died, her husband (my stepdad) has moved on and remarried and he and his family are no longer a part of my life (evil new wife doesn't want "children" despite the fact that I'm GROWN!). They were my family for 27 years and now I have none. So if I screw up again....I'm doomed? I'm on my own? How could I possibly survive without that support system?

 

I do love this man so much, and it's so very obvious that he loves me too. I'm baffled at myself and the random bouts of insecurity these emotional freak outs bring on. I have whole days when I'm totally convinced he rather be with some ex or with anyone other than me and that he's somehow settling. It makes me sound nuts! I literally have to stop, sit down, and tell myself all the ways I'm the best thing on the planet (which isn't always easy!)

 

A big part of my frustration comes from the fact that I was never like this pre-marriage. I had no idea one man could have such a negative influence over so much of my life. ARG!

 

I am 150% on the PMC bandwagon. I had it the first time too, but clearly it doesn't help if one partner sits there and lies through the whole thing with a straight face.

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can't spell sometimes!
Stung Established Member

Stung

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I don't have experience with this exactly, but I do know what it's like to be scared sh*tless about allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable again, and to have difficulty trusting. It's hard.

 

I had to make a lot of conscious decisions to just hold my breath and jump in, make the choice to trust. Eventually it got easier, when the world didn't explode around me the first few times. Of course, I was only able to get to that point even after a period of chosen celibacy and therapy.

 

Getting married is a big deal, and it's perfectly understandable when the burned child fears the fire. Are you able to talk about this emotional rollercoaster with your current bf, or are you afraid to talk to him too much about your previous marriage?

Green Established Member

Green

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My advice would be keep your eyes open.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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Is anybody else out there like this? So traumatized that years later you still have little emotional freak out moments? Any suggestions on how to make them go away?

 

OH YEAH. Big time. In fact one of my husband's selling points with me was that he claimed he would never want to marry.

 

When he changed his mind about that and proposed, I put it off (including any real planning for it) for a year. As properly matched as we are, I sweated bullets over saying "I do" again.

 

I suggest making sure you've put in at least 5 years with no break ups or even close break ups. Make sure your money management and child rearing styles are the same and that both of you have life goals that do not contradict each other.

 

For me to come to a comfort zone with it, I had to stop turning to friends for my concerns in the way I should have been turning to him. Once I stopped doing that, it all fell into place and I realized he was the best friend I had out of them all. All I had to do was let him be that for me to figure it out.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Just think of this marriage as special. I said after my first divorce I would rather pout acid down my throat than ever marry again and I still have a negative view of most marriages but my wife made it all worthwhile. At the end of the day marriage is what a couple makes it and if you have two people willing to make a healthy relationship it is a great thing. It is very rare but when you do find it it is wonderful.

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Crazy Magnet Established Member

Crazy Magnet

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.Are you able to talk about this emotional rollercoaster with your current bf, or are you afraid to talk to him too much about your previous marriage?

 

I am ok with telling him most of my emotions. He knows it's a scary thought for me. I'm sure my face says it all. He knows some of what happened in my M. I don't think it's fair for anyone to get involved with me without knowing some of it. I sort of briefly skimmed over the physical abuse part, never have mentioned the sexual abuse part, and have been more open about the emotional abuse part. He knows some of the details like the prostitutes and the online sex profile and that I was tested about a gazillion times for STDs. I tried talking about it in a previous relationship and totally got shot down. That guy basically said I was making things up for attention, that that kind of stuff doesn't happen in real life and that I was crazy. :mad: I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. And why would I be in constant therapy for so long if I was making it up? Or why did I keep having severe panic attacks in the middle of the night? Or any other number of super weird response. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

My advice would be keep your eyes open.

 

They are. But I'd like to blink sometimes.

 

For me to come to a comfort zone with it, I had to stop turning to friends for my concerns in the way I should have been turning to him. Once I stopped doing that, it all fell into place and I realized he was the best friend I had out of them all. All I had to do was let him be that for me to figure it out.

 

This is where I'm at. I'm forcing myself to stop going to my friends for the support he can give me. I've never allowed any man in my life to be there for me after my Mom died. I've never trusted them enough to catch me on those really rough days. It's so hard, but I can tell such a difference in this relationship. Not only can I tell him stuff, but he listens!

 

I said after my first divorce I would rather pout acid down my throat than ever marry again

 

Ditto. I would gladly have thrown my entire body into a vat of acid before contemplating the big M again. I've come a long way in the past four years.

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